If you had asked me 8 years ago if i would get back together with my ex i would have said yes. I would have lost friends, my pride and most likely my sanity, but at the time...........i thought that was the answer.
I was so hurt.
I felt so abandoned.
Alone.
BUT..........honestly, i felt like that for most of our relationship.
So why am i bringing this up now? Because of Mr. Tattoo.
I fell so hard for someone i barely knew. I just knew how i felt around him. How we felt together. But when we weren't together, i was filled with uncertainty, anxiety, and was continuously preoccupied by thinking about him.
The same as it was when i was with my ex.
When I cut it off with the situationship, which is all it ever was with Mr. Tattoo......I felt that same hurt but not as bad. Now i identify it with disapointment. In myself. Not him. Not them.
They are what they are. Men who will use you for every ounce you will give them. They will not attach to you because you are just a source of attention, adoration....they don't have it in themselves to give this to themselves. Thats why when the source speaks up and says "hey, I have feelings and you are hurting them" they step away- they retreat. You aren't supposed to have feelings. Just adore them and don't have ANY expectations that they will return that feeling.
And it's a complete mind fuck. Because they take it take it take it........and then.......they don't want it from you anymore. They have a new source. You aren't even an after thought.
Knowing this and being able to digest it as truth are two different things.
I won't ever have a relationship of any kind with Mr. Tattoo because he was nothing but a blip on the screen. Big deal, i had hurt feelings. I fell for the man that owned his home, had nice things and kept them nice, cared about his health, knew how to host a guest, how to treat a woman in bed......I fell for his blue eyes and his sadness inside his tattooed mr. badass exterior. I never questioned my safety with him. His voice sent shivers through me. But it wasn't real. He, wasn't real. None of that meant anything because to him......i was just another woman. Any woman.
The ex......i had time and energy into. I had invested in him as a man. I had seen his "potential" and lord does that make me laugh now. He has absolutely no self worth, and no desire to do better to get anything he wants. This isn't new. This has always been him. I just see it now.
And what does that say about me? That these are the types of men who i become attached to? Because i don't think i deserve better? This particular blog entry isn't about that. It is about my realization.
Yesterday i sent a text busting my ex's ass about stalking my tiktok. ONLY because he had said something similar to me recently. We got into a conversation and sometimes i forget we aren't really friends. We are ex's that have no reason to communicate but do. I do it because sometimes i miss his sense of humor, sometimes i miss his bluntness. I don't feel like he will lie to me anymore because he has nothing to gain. And we were together a long time. He's family to me.
And while i love him, i have zero desire to ever get be intimate with him again - the idea makes me feel nauseaus. That man dumped my ass for crazy town. Go have ex sex with her. I'm not the one.
He was only offering to help out. (huge eye roll) But it did make me laugh because he must have known there was no way in hell.
We've been over for a long time. During that time, i've learned what it feels like to be "handled" in bed. I've learned what really outstanding sex is, and what really bad sex is. He wasn't bad but he's no where near the best. That would require effort, that would require the desire to please someone other than himself.
The best was Mr. Tattoo. But he was also an empty shell when it came to feelings. He was nice, he did all the right things, but he had no room for anyone in his heart. Or, no room for me at least.
Neither are bad men. But after all this time i can say with complete confidence that i have no feelings of "wanting" either any more. I have finally learned that I can live happily without the attentions of men like them. That i can see that type almost immediately and that i don't take it personally anymore NOR do i try to prove to them that "i'm the one"......
Rambling thoughts. It happens.
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