Today is my birthday. Yay.

 First, i forgot to write about the train ride home from NYC.  We found our train, walked all the way down to the very very end of it and there were no more seats left.  So we walked alllll the way back up the track, thinking we would have to take a later train.  The train started to leave, and when the last car pulled up to us, the conductor stopped the train.  There were two almost empty cars (no one walks up that way to see) and she told us to hop on.  We were so happy!  as we walked onto the train we said thank you thank you and i said "merry christmas" she was very pretty and had a huge smile.  She was our angel.  As the train started up again she thanked everyone over the speaker for letting us get on the train, and told them we said Merry Christmas.

It was just a really nice thing for a random stranger to do.  Acts like hers give me faith in humanity.

Now.  Today.  Today is bittersweet because i thought i might have my birthday celebrated by Bill, that he would do something, no matter small or large. He is working, and it's going to snow tonight, so i won't be seeing him.  He made that fairly clear.  He didn't offer to celebrate tomorrow, or another day.  But i still had hope that maybe he would deliver flowers, or SOMETHING to make me feel special to him.

It's 3:30pm.  I'm not going to hold my breath.  I think i already knew it wasn't important.  Shrug.  Yes, i feel some kind of way because i wanted him to be different.  He's a grown up.  He knows social niceties....he has to know i would have hurt feelings.

Then i started thinking about some of the things he's been saying.  Like this morning, when he called me, didn't say happy birthday, and started talking about his ex.  Again.  Like, all the time.  Not just one ex. All of them.  But some things he's been saying haven't added up to things he has told me in the past.  

So i did something that i knew i probably shouldn't do.  I reached back out to his ex, and asked if they were still seeing each other because i was also dating him.  She freaked out.  Called me every name in the book, and told me he said i was fat, out of shape and not attractive to him.  Also, that SHE was too skinny.  with a smiley face.

I should have felt something other than "is she two years old?".   She wouldn't answer if they were together.  Or if she continued to talk to him or see him.  But she did reach right out to him immediately and he in turn reached out to me.

Now he won't respond to my texts.  

The whole thing feels very juvenile, with my part included.  I had an uncontrollable urge to verify which of his stories was the truth so i went to the source.  This should not be an issue at all.  I shouldn't have to be reaching out to anyone in regard to the man i'm dating.

but i did.

And i thought i would be upset but i'm extremely calm.  We've been here before, and i went back to him.  That is my fault.  I should have talked to him about the discrepancy in his stories and he shouldn't be constantly talking about his ex, or exes.  

He should have made an effort for me today.  

Kate, Doug and Jen's daughter, drove an hour to bring me roses, a balloon and a gift.  She dropped it all off and told me how much they all love me.  

I have love in my life.  It's just the men i pick that can't love me back.  I think i'm too much.  Or they aren't enough.  But i'm tired.  Being disappointed on my birthday is old hat.  I'm used to it.  I've never been celebrated the way other woman are.  It's just the way it is.

When i answered Bills text the last time we got back together i told myself that if i was going to do this again i was going to make every effort to make it work, or ignore him and move on with my life.  So i will see what comes of today's fiasco, although part of me knows.

I don't demand enough in return for my love.  If i feel it, i lose sight of what i deserve.  I thought he would do better.  Maybe i'm wrong.  Maybe he does have something planned, or did.  Or maybe, just maybe, i'm not the one.

Last minute vacation

 Was supposed to go see the band DIRT that i follow on Friday, the 26th, but a stupid snow storm ruined it.  Knowing Bill would be busy for days I packed my laundry basket (which is much more user friendly than 10 different bags) grabbed Miyagi and headed out to Milford for the weekend. 

As soon as i got there they put me in their car and brought me over to Jen's mothers house.  Without going into a lot of detail, the family is clearing out the house, which was a hoard house, and it's emotional for Jen in a lot of ways that aren't my story to tell.  She has a LOT on her plate.  She said she wanted me to look through some jewelry and i was all about it.

The family has been through the house multiple times, a lot of things have already left or been thrown out.  The jewelry.......was a small bedrooms worth, and i'm probably underestimating.  To say it could fill a jewelry store is an understatement.  AND thats only what was left.

Jens family isn't into jewelry, fashion or makeup.  Or if they are, only to a small extent.  The intention was to literally throw everything away that was left.  Or drop it off at Savers, a thrift store.  I took a little peak and that was it.  No way in hell are you "dropping this off" somewhere.  Theres gold in them thar hills!!!  So I told Doug to load it all up in the truck, boxes and boxes filled with jewelry, and we took it all back to their house.

I went through EVERY SINGLE piece of jewelry, which had zero rhyme or reason to it.....there was not specific taste, she just ordered everything apparently.  And she had skinny fingers, just like I do.  And the majority of rings fit me.

HEAVEN.

BUT.  I talked to Jen.  Told her to sell this stuff.  She said she wanted nothing to do with it.  So much of it was brand new, never worn.  Costume jewelry, yes, but if you've ever shopped at Macy's you know that can be almost as expensive as genuine gems.  So i went through and sorted it all out, because it was all mixed in with each other.  Friday night i stayed up till 1am, then their daughter came home from work and suggested i might want to go to bed and get sleep.  Woke up Saturday and sorted until we went out to a few stores and spent the day out of the house.  Came home, started sorting.  Stayed up till 11pm because all this had to be done before the grandchildren came home Sunday morning.  

Sunday morning i got up early (as usual) and moved all the piles into huge bowls, then into plastic baggies as "lots", took pictures, priced and got it all sorted away.  Now Doug will sell them on facebook marketplace, except for the jewelry i put in a separate baggie that i believe should be seen by a jeweler. I took the rest of it home for myself, as was the original plan.

They want nothing to do with any of it.  I tried to talk Kate, their daughter into taking stuff.  Nope.  I brought home so much jewelry i will never have to buy another pair of earrings again during my lifetime, or rings, or necklaces brooches or bracelets........i have hit the actual jackpot.  I love jewelry, and have never felt that spending money on it was something i should do.  I have some pieces, but, THIS?  This is craziness.

Monday morning we got up, took the train into the city and met up with my daughter and granddaughter to go see the christmas tree at Rockefeller Center which i've never done.  We wanted to go to the toy store but the line was literally around the block to get in.  Everywhere was insane.  So many people on vacation and we didn't think of that......because , we are on vacation, duh.

We had reservations at Carmines in Times Square and even with the reservations we waited an hour before we got a table.  To say it was packed.......I cannot describe how many people were crushed in waiting for tables.  

The city stresses me out.  BUT i did really well considering.  I was a happy camper.

We ordered so much food and all the while i'm adding it up in my head because my intention is to pay.  This is my thank you to my friends and family for all they do for me.  My daughter had the exact same idea, as did Jen.  They both got huge christmas bonuses, and reminded me that I did not.  They dismissed me entirely as if they could not hear me, and Doug and Jen won.  They paid.

For my birthday present.

I am seriously overwhelmed with love and gratitude for the way i am treated and valued by them.  Both my friends and my family.  I can't NOT see the love they feel for me.

And then there's Bill.  Heard from him very little as he was dealing with the storm work and the aftermath of not sleeping.  We did stay in contact but nothing like we usually do.  I felt like i had been forgotten by him, but i know this is his business.  I enjoyed my time with friends and didn't worry about it.  He told me he doesn't want to call me when i'm away, that i'm with my friends and i should enjoy them.  

I'm thinking he might break up with me right before i go on the cruise, but i hope not.  Can't control it.  I'm going on that damn cruise come hell or high water.  He was invited multiple times.  Its his choice not to come.  I think though, that i will leave my phone on airplane mode while i'm away and not expect to hear from him, or contact him for the week.

I don't want to do that.  But, that's what is coming i think. I can hope that it's my  negative side, or experience talking and that i'm proven wrong.  Either way, i'm going. 

Tomorrow is my birthday and it's going to snow. He is going to be preoccupied- it's his business.  I'm okay with it.  I wanted a man that is invested in his career and he is.  Thats the price.  I will see him at midnight though.......he doesn't know it yet, but i will find him if i have to and go get my new years kiss.  It's been a long time since i've had that and he's giving me a big wet kisser to start the new year off with!  Bet.

I will be surprised if he celebrates my birthday - but i secretly hope he does something.  Just the thought.  I have all that i need and most of what i want........it's more about him making an effort which he did do for Christmas.  No expectations here.  

Right now i am pleasantly sleepy and my body is starting to relax after being gone four days - i'm so happy to be in my space again, as much as i love going to Milford.  That is my home away from home.  Uber eats is here, i'm gonna eat and take a nap.  Happy lady. 

mixed feelings. of course

 Life is as complicated as i make it.  I suppose.  I can choose at any moment to walk away from any situation.  We have that freedom.

I am very used to running.  I went from clinging on too long to situations that were hopeless to running like my ass was on fire at the first sign of trouble.  Life doesn't work that way.  There's a middle space that moves in extremes from one end to the other in degrees.  Thats the space where happiness is found.  I think.  

Elated feelings only mean you are going to come down from them.  Very low feelings can be extremely difficult to rise from from.  You need to be able to choke it back a notch, or rev it up a bit- the trick is to know when.

My gage is sticky.

I had a small freak out because i thought my son had forgotten me, and then that he thought of me as an afterthought.  Its' not true.  But it felt like it.  Because i get sensitive during the holiday and when things change up it throws me into a loop of "where is my place?"......unnecessary.  Bill tells me i suffer more in my head then i need too.  um. yeah?!

Christmas this year was different, very casual, very lovely.  I picked up my girls at the  train station and we went to my son's home where we had a late dinner and they had a very late into the night conversation.  I tucked my granddaughter in and then layed on the couch in and out of sleep, listening to my grown up children talk.

Very informed, talking about people i have no idea who they are (politics) and i realized....they aren't what i had thought they were.  They're thinking is as grey as mine.  both parties are fucked. I'm hoping that there are more of them out there, that feel the same.  Change is needed, but so is common sense and human decency.  I raised those people.  I've never been prouder or more impressed.  And that doesn't mean  i agree with all their thoughts - I just mean i am proud of their humanity and their clear vision.  

Christmas morning was filled with presents, and my son made "breaky", we lounged around and then I had to go and bring up my Miyagi.  I asked them if they saw a difference in him since Thanksgiving.  Of course they had.  And the hard conversation was started.  They were gentle with me, kind and supportive.  All three - my daughter, son and DIL.  They shared their own difficult choices with the pets they loved.  It was a very difficult choice for me to make, but my family helped me, and supports me and i have to say that if I ever believed they don't care about me, i was completely wrong.

Again.  I am so proud of these people.  Not every parent can say that.

I can't even write about Miyagi right now.  He has been with me for 10 years, and through everything with me, my constant ride or die.  I have never been without him for longer than 24 hours.  And even then only a handful of times.  He is my second heartbeat.  My best friend.  My true, pure love. And i must do what is right for him, not easier for me.  My heart is ...frozen.

With that difficult conversation, a rush of huge emotion and the fallout of a raging headache and a need to shit my brains out.......I decided it was time to go home and stop being the killjoy.  I drove home, showered, put a bag together and went to Bills for the second wave of Christmas day.

We exchanged presents, not all at once, but one at a time over the course of a few hours.  He'd give me one, and i'd give him one.  They we'd talk, and he cooked, and we'd talk some more.  We are never short of conversation.  He was very generous with his gifting, but not over the top embarrassing.  He was practical, and not cheap.  I loved everything he gave me.  And he seemed to really like what i gifted him.  Funny part is that the Carhartt knit cap with the light in it was the tickle spot, of all the gifts. No i didn't go overboard at all.  But i had listened to him in the course of our relationship and made mental notes, and physical notes in my bullet journal.  Documenting makes a difference when my memory seems to be shit.

He gets to use the cap immediately.  There's a big snow storm coming and he was already working on getting the crews together and making sure they are ahead of it.  He is my personal weather man.  I told him i was going out Friday night to see a band.  He told me we were stupid if we went out on the road and that we would  be putting our lives in danger and getting in the way of  the plows ....which annoyed the shit out of me.  He expresses himself very bluntly.  Soft speech is not his way.  

Turns out he is right anyways because the band rescheduled and my friends texted me this morning with all the winter warnings, and stay off the road messages. 

I hate it when i get annoyed and he is right.  urgh. 

He will be working all weekend with the storm and the cleanup.  He was anxious about getting enough sleep.  He told the boys he was going to kick me out soon so he could go to bed.

And my emotional alarm went haywire.  

I clicked off, as soon as i felt the wave of emotion.  The door slammed shut.  I got up, went to my shoes, took off my slippers and started getting ready to go.  He asked me what i was doing.  I told him.  He said he didn't mean right this moment.  I told him I did.  

I had planned to stay the night, we had talked about it.  I thought i was in kick back and relax mode.  Have a nice bourbon, go cuddle till sleep hit mode.  Wake up at 4:30am with the dogs, have coffee together and go our separate ways mode.  And he just chopped it off at the knees.  And it's not about sex.  Sex is not the highlight or our relationship - passion, yes.  Sex? spice of life, not main course.  For me, he is my person.  

I felt stupid.  I felt rejected, disappointed, angry, and .........like running.  He didn't let me.  He made me sit down and talk to him.  We had a conversation.  He told me what was going on in his head - i told him what was going on in mine.  We hit a good spot.  This is probably going to happen more often going forward.  I think this may be how adjusted, undamaged adults perform.  

I did go home, because i chose to, not because i was running.  I went home because it's not a big deal and he was getting really preoccupied with the storm and the crew and work.  I wanted to sit with a nice adult beverage in front of a fire and fall asleep whenever the sleep took me.  Unregimented, no deadline.  So i did it.  And i drank a nice big glass of wine out of the glass he gave me in front of my electric fireplace watching football, not the weather, with my animals.  And i was peaceful.  And he did what he does......and he was satisfied.  Worked out for both of us.

Maybe someday we will do that in the same living space.  Or maybe we will come to find out that it's not meant to be.  Right now, it's still new.  As much as i think i know, i don't.  Only time tells. 

Every day is a choice.  It's not like the fairy tales, or the 80's movies or music.  It's not forever after it's a daily experience of choosing one thing over another.  

I have learned, to choose myself first.  Value myself first.  It doesn't mean that I only care about myself, it means i care enough about myself that i can care for others deeper.  I'm not desperate to make something happen that isn't ready to happen.  I'm trying not to run at the first sign of conflict because i'm afraid i won't be heard or understood for having feelings.  

So it was a Merry Chistmas although i cried in front of my kids, and in Bills bathroom to get my emotions under control.   I think i did pretty good over all.  

Now comes New years eve.  My birthday.  Another loaded holiday filled with memories of being disappointed and/or forgotten.  Gotta love that life tests you at every turn.

My family and Bill both made my christmas a good memory this year.  And for that, i am joyful.

Merry Christmas holiday to readers (my future self?) I hope that the joy of the holiday warms your heart for at least a few moments.  That the light of hope fills you, that the memories of Christmas past teaches you, and that you look forward to the future with a clear conscious and a fresh clean slate to write your dreams and hopes on.

Resonates so i took it as my own

I read this on my friend Kissa's facebook page and i don't know if she wrote it- but i wouldn't be surprised if she did.  She has a way with words.  To say the least.  We don't see eye to eye on everything, many things, but i have no doubt about her heart and soul.  In this, she also speaks for me.  I only wish i had the talent and skill to have written my hearts desire instead of reading it in her words.

What i want in the man i choose to spend my life with: 

Not perfect.

Not shiny.

But self-aware, accountable, and embodied.

He has done — or is actively doing — the work of unhooking from his wounds, not outsourcing them to women, chaos, or ambition. He doesn’t confuse pain with depth or intensity with intimacy.

He knows who he is when no one is watching.

Emotionally

• He can feel without collapsing or projecting.

• He does not punish with silence, confusion, or withdrawal.

• He speaks plainly. No riddles. No power games.

• When he’s overwhelmed, he says so — he doesn’t disappear.

• He takes responsibility for repair, not just intention.

Nervous System

• His presence settles me.

• My body does not brace around him.

• He doesn’t spike my adrenaline to feel close.

• He values rest, pacing, and attunement as much as desire.

• He understands that safety is seductive.

Relational Integrity

• He is available — not someday, not “after one more thing.”

• He does not keep women on emotional backburners.

• He does not triangulate, breadcrumb, or hover.

• He chooses me openly, not in fragments.

• His words and actions match without explanation.

Masculine Core

• He can lead without domination.

• He can hold without controlling.

• He has strength without rigidity.

• He protects without possession.

• He respects boundaries without sulking.

Chemistry + Intimacy

• He knows how to go slow.

• He is present in touch, not performative.

• He values consent, pacing, and connection.

• Desire doesn’t override discernment.

• He understands that intimacy deepens when it’s not rushed.

Life + Reality

• He has room in his life for partnership.

• He doesn’t need me to stabilize him.

• He doesn’t resent my strength or my softness.

• He respects my mind, my independence, and my depth.

• He can build with me, not just alongside me.

What He Is Not

• He is not emotionally erratic.

• He is not avoidant in spiritual clothing.

• He is not addicted to chaos, validation, or fantasy.

• He is not “almost ready.”

• He is not intimidated by my clarity.

How It Feels

• Calm, not confusing.

• Warm, not volatile.

• Chosen, not chased.

• Desired, not consumed.

• Safe enough for my softness.

• Strong enough for my truth.

What I Require

Availability

• I require actual availability, not potential.

• Not “eventually,” not “when things settle,” not “I’m trying.”

• If you are entangled, undecided, healing, or unavailable — name it honestly.

• I don’t compete with exes, work, chaos, or unfinished chapters.

Consistency

• I require consistency in words, presence, and behavior.

• Hot–cold dynamics are not chemistry — they’re dysregulation.

• I need to know where I stand without guessing or decoding.

Clear Communication

• I require directness.

• No riddles, no ambiguity, no “you should know.”

• If something changes, tell me.

• If you need space, say it.

• If you care, show it.

Nervous System Safety

• I require a connection that regulates, not destabilizes.

• My body should soften around you, not brace.

• I will not stay in relationships that spike my cortisol and call it passion.

• Calm is not boring — it’s secure.

Accountability

• I require ownership.

• When something lands wrong, I expect curiosity and repair — not defensiveness, minimization, or reversal.

• I will not carry emotional labor alone.

Respect for Boundaries

• I require my boundaries to be met without punishment.

• No sulking, withdrawing, guilt-tripping, or pressure.

• Desire does not override consent.

• “No” does not threaten connection.

Integrity

• I require integrity when I’m present and when I’m not.

• No triangulation.

• No emotional backburners.

• No keeping me close while staying unavailable.

Emotional Maturity

• I require a man who can feel without collapsing or outsourcing.

• I am not here to regulate you, fix you, or absorb your unprocessed grief.

• I can support — I will not stabilize.

Sex + Intimacy

• I require intimacy that is attuned, paced, and mutual.

• Slow is not withholding — it’s intentional.

• Chemistry without care is not enough.

• Sex deepens connection; it does not replace it.

Time + Presence

• I require real time.

• Not crumbs.

• Not midnight check-ins.

• Not “when I’m free.”

• Presence is a choice.

Choice

• I require to be chosen clearly.

• Not chased.

• Not tested.

• Not kept as an option.

• Chosen — openly and consistently.

What I No Longer Negotiate

• Confusion

• Emotional unavailability

• Mixed signals

• Trauma bonds

• Potential without follow-through

• Being “understanding” at the expense of my well-being

Final Truth

I am not asking for too much.

I am asking for the right match.

I bring depth, devotion, humor, warmth, intelligence, sensuality, resilience, and love.

What I require is someone who can meet that without fear.

Porch pirates

 I love how the holidays bring out the best and worst in people.  I wish it was just the best but we can't appreciate one without the other.  So they say.

I ordered a handcrafted personalized leather cigar holder, travel humidor from a leatherworker in the Ukraine for Bill as his main gift. He is a cigar smoker, obviously.  I usually see him shove the cigars into the inside of his coat pocket.  I thought this would be a little bougie for him.  This man is very difficult to buy for because he has very expensive taste and he buys everything he wants.

I've been in contact with the seller back and forth and was notified the package was delivered.  Except it wasnt.  So round and round we go with tracking and i see it was delivered to the wrong address.  At least it wasn't porch pirates, but now i have to go knock on the door of the address clearly shown and hope they are honest and give it to me.  For me, it was an expensive gift, and i cannot afford to replace it.

Even his underwear is expensive.  And i wasn't buying him that. I did get him a few other things that i've heard him say he wants, like loose tea (and a thingy to put it in) and some special chocoates he likes.  Nothing earth shattering, but i did put a lot of thought into what he would use, and like.  He hates waste.  I got him a big christmas stocking, and i will wrap his gifts and put it all in the stocking.

I might drop it off tonight after i wrap presents so he can have it there Christmas eve and day while i am with my family.  Next year, when we are still together, I will want him to share Christmas with my family.  That will all be different again because my son and his wife are having a baby.  

I am going to be a grandmother of 2!!!  I am beyond excited that they decided to have a child.  I can't wait to meet the new addition to our family.  I will be spoiling this baby as much as I do Zoe Margaret.  It is still early, and they are being cautious but I did buy a tiny christmas stocking with a big "B" on it for "baby".  They can hang it on their tree as a reminder that the baby shared Christmas with us before it was born.  I did that when i was pregnant with my daughter and i loved hanging it every year.  Now she has it.  And now my son and his wife will have one too!!

Yesterday I saw a friends husband in the hallway at work.  We gave each other a big hug and chatted for a few minutes.  He told me "Wow you have slimmed down a lot MB!  wow"  which is a very nice way to acknowledge my wieght loss.  I was very happy.  No one really says anything to me about it and i had begun  to wonder if i was the only one who noticed.

Shallow, i know.  But more importantly, i feel a lot better.  

I forgot to add

 Mr Tattoo randomly reached out to me Friday and we had a text conversation.

It was nice.  A bit more balanced in my mind.  I know what he wanted from me, he was never secretive about it and it was never a chore for me to oblige.  My feelings for him were an eye-opener.  He basically changed my life, and how i view myself in it.  So he is and always be important to me.  

To him, I'm someone he fucked around with briefly and is good for a mild flirtation once in a while.

But maybe not.  Maybe I gave him something valuable too.  I hope i did.  

Anyways.  He told me he would always answer my messages and wished me well in a meaningful way. I felt good about it.  I know i can't in good conscience continue to reach out to him once in a while.  It's not cheating but considering the relationship, it's not NOT cheating either.  

Almost feels like an end to a part of my life that i hadn't completely let go of.  

Well now.

 Yesterday i helped in the kitchen as Bill made us Puttanesca.  I have taken up my role as "sus chef" after months of not being allowed to touch anything while he was cooking, and cleaning up.

I didn't wonder if i would see him this past weekend.  I knew.  We have a bit of a routine starting- so that has to be shaken up.  This man is very routined.  I don't want to be put in the same category as the chores.  He must be kept interested, and slightly afraid of losing me.  Or he will lose interest.  

looking back at my relationships that didn't work i realize I always took security as routine. Vary from that routine and it would shake me.  It was what i needed to feel safe.  And obviously, that was proven to be untrue. 

So this weekend, we spent friday night together after work.  He made us slamming fat steaks and I ate the whole thing.  I didn't waste time on any sides.  That steak was my bitch.  I cleaned up behind him as he prepped veggies and soups for the coming days- then we watched some tv, which means we picked on each other as we "watched" tv.  The pups had to go out.

Now.  I've taken to letting them go outside and standing there watching and waiting for them to come back in.  This isn't as easy as you might think.  First of all, Bill lives in east bum fuck on 5 acres of land before the woods start.  The woods are owned by the water company.......and his house is easily accessible to the blue trail.  So, lots of animals.  Especially at night.  And he feeds the deer......which brings everyone else.  Because.....dinner.  I will never get over how close they come to the house and if i stand in the laundry room there is a full glass door that is refective, so we can see out but they can't see in.  And it's magical.  I feel like friggen snow white.

Okay, now add TWO Cane Corso dogs.  Cane and Abel.  Letting them go potty at night isn't as simple as opening the door.

First -flashlight - check the wood line and yard for glowy eyes  If there is a bear, tell Bill and he shoots it in the ass.  He doesn't want them comfy in the yard.  If there is anything in the yard, they must be scattered first or the dogs will chase them into the woods.  All i know is that dogs running into woods = no good.

Second, once yard is cleared of living things, make sure to put yard light on.  This is hard to remember if i or an animal has set off the automatic lights.  

Third- let dogs go out.  Then watch them. Mostly Abel. Wait until they potty, do zoomies and run back to the house.  Brace yourself for two large dogs coming at you full speed.  Then close and lock the door.  Mission accomplished.

All for a pee.  

Friday, the boys did potty dance.  I saw the motion lights on so i knew the deer (a big buck) was out there eating.  I tapped on the window, got his attention and shooed him away.  He didn't want to go.  Basically he gave me a fuck you look.  So, i partially opened the door. And this made him run to the woods.  

HOWEVER, it also made the two very large dogs push pass me out into the yard tear assing after the buck, straight into the woods at full speed all while barking their asses off.  Tattle tales!! This alerted Bill to my booboo. Chaos.  The boys are gone, the motion light goes out so the yard is dark (i didn't turn the light on) and Bill is now outside in his underwear (he is always in his underwear and slippers) yelling at me as he heads towards the woods.

Well.  

First, i know i fucked it up. So i feel bad and embarrassed. Second, i don't take men yelling at me very well.  So MB got real quiet  I went and put my boots and coat on and started walking toward the woods with every intention of finding the boys.  They were back in the minute it took me.  HOWEVER, Bill was still fuming and cussing.  And I got even more quiet.

If i'm mad, you want me telling you i am and why.  It's much better than quiet.  Quiet on the outside is "this motherfucker" on the inside.   Unfortunately, my face is very readable.  I can't help that.  It takes him some time to notice i'm quiet, and that my face is......not smiling.  He stops yelling.  

Even though he has taken to calling me "mommy" to the dogs, i'm new to them.  And they are BIG.  Sometimes i am still allowing dominant behavior from them because i don't recognize it.  Bill tells me, and then i make them stop.  We are learning.  Sometimes they listen to me but only because they WANT to.  They listen to Bill immediately.  Cane always, Abel most of the time.  Abel is a formerly abused dog and he has some of the same issues as Miyagi, only Miyagi is 4 pounds and Abel is.......a full grown Corso.  A well fed full grown Corso.

That was Friday.  Saturday Bill went hunting and i did my thing at home per usual.  And i decided to stay home when he was done hunting.  Did i want to go over?  yes. i did.  But i thought a night away from me was a better idea.  

Yesterday afternoon i go to his house and he cooks for me, i clean it up for him.  He lets the dogs out.  I know i will do it again eventually (maybe not at night).  We sit down to watch football - start rough housing, and he incapacitates me.  I lost all control and had a brain flash of this fact and started freaking out.  Did he stop?  No.  He continued to restrain my movement and then started talking frisky (thats the nice way to put it) And i just about lost my mind.  All the while he's talking to me, and .....well.  To say i was confused and turned on at the same time is an understatement.  I could have stopped fighting him.  But i had to.  I couldn't give in.  I was losing and getting more mad, more turned on.  What a fucked up feeling.  He let me go.  And i burst out crying.  The emotional release that flooded through me was .....insane.  He didn't hurt me, but he did take all power away from me.  Really.  Not pretend.  I can't describe the..........elation? that came over me.  

Maybe i'm messed up.  Or maybe, i found the man that understands how i work.  What i need.  That occasional hard smack on the ass is the tip of the iceberg.  

But don't yell at me.  

i've noticed

 If someone was angry, or cranky, i would feel responsible to make them not anymore.  Or i would feel like i did something, or they were mad at me.........were going to cut me out of their life.

Every disagreement was the end of the relationship to me.  It was never just a disagreement.  

These feelings are what i took from my childhood relationship with my mother.  As an adult, i struggled with all my relationships.  I always felt the weight of responsibility and if they ever disapointed ME, i would accept it as my fate, that i had no right to expectations.  I have no idea if the women who birthed me is even alive, and I have very ambivalent feelings about it.

I have been alive 57 years and i knew her until i was 16.  That is 41 years without her.  Maybe add in a few months of connection when i divorced my husband and she came around looking for me to take care of her, and having no interest in my children.  That was a very short lived reunion.  I promptly removed her from my life permanently.  

Like she did to me.  Mama taught me well.

I have anxious attachment with a fierce will to be independent and a big attitude of "I don't need anyone"........any quesions about why i'm in therapy and on meds?

This go round with Bill i'm noticing that his little tirades don't affect me.  They are HIS tirades and i refuse to be dragged into them for an argument.  Before, i would feel defensive.  Now i let him blow his steam and then i move on.  He is allowed to feel the way he feels.  So am I.  Funny how that works.

He purposely says inflammatory things to me,  trying to get a rise out of me.  In the past, i would rise to the occassion, giving him (or whoever i was talking to) the control over my emotions.  My friends, family and men in my life have always had that ability to trigger me.  

Now, i know he knows my views on certain things and if he wants to poke fun at me, or try to get a rise out of me, its a game to him.  I don't feel like playing games.  So have fun with that.  

Peace.  Tranquility.  Partnership.  All very important to me.  I don't need to argue to prove my love or have him agree with me to love him.  He gets to decide how he feels about my lack of enthusiasm to argue.  I get my peace.

He can be a bully.  Overbearing.  Opinionated.  All things i instictively want to fight.  HOWEVER, i'm not here to fix him or anybody else.  He doesn't need my fixing.  I don't need to have feelings about things that i am not impressed or moved by.  The bottom line is i'm not fazed by that behavior from anyone.  I'm the one in control of my life.  How i feel and react is under my control.  I don't get led by the nose into stupid arguments.

Not anymore.

This is true for everyone in my life, not just Bill.  Even my bestie has been overbearing with her opinions about my life ......and those are her opinions.  I don't need to feel anything or do anything about it.  

My life isn't up for grabs to be taken over by anyone else.  I'm very much involved.  I've set boundaries.  I have learned to be detached.  Not in a bad "i don't care" way, but in a way that means i don't have to have feelings about everything or anything someone else has feelings about.

I can acknowledge that Bill is being punchy, and trying to set me off.........and then move along.  He should feel free always to express his thoughts and emotions to me, but that doesn't mean i need to take them on as mine.

I wish i had learned this a long time ago.  I probably wouldn't have gotten married.  If i ever even fell for my ex bf, it wouldn't have lasted long.  I would have seen how very little they actually added to my life.  Take away control, drama, and they would have evaporated into nothing.

Carlos was the first person, without him every realizing it, that treated me well.  He was a man in every sense and i felt safe, taken care of, and "taken care of"......without any pressure of having to do things for him, act differently, think differently, or be anyone but who i am.  

No it didn't work because he is that kind of man to every woman he dates.  It is who he is. Being a good man doesn't mean he wanted to be MY man.  He didn't have those feelings for me.  And so it ended.  I keep him in my heart for what he showed me....how i want to be and SHOULD be treated by a man.  How i shouldn't give myself away to someone who hasn't earned me.  How i should value myself first, and the man in my life second.  Because if i don't value myself how is he supposed to?  It's not selfish.  It's necessary.  It's not pretend, it's felt.  

And so, when i met Bill he put me into a tailspin.  He reads me like an open book in ways that make me very uncomfortable.  I don't think anyone has ever seen so far into me the way he does.  And he takes care of me.  We had a few turning points that led to time apart where i walked away and meant it.  But when he returned after truly making changes HE decided he need to make, I accepted him back.  Because i love him.  Why?  He knows me and I recognize myself in him.  We are very different and yet very much the same.  I feel him.  Without losing myself.  I choose to be with him.  

I will never lose myself again.  I have walked away from men in the past and hopefully will never have to again.  He knows where i draw the line.  And I know that me being head over heals without a question in love with him and only him is a big one for him.  

Funny, because that is something we agree on 100% and have in common.

What if?

 i just enjoyed every moment and relaxed, trusted that all is well.

What if?

I'd find myself happy.  

It's not a big full feeling that lasts for hours or days..........it's short bright moments when you see or feel something typical, or unexpected....in a different way.  Its a spark of light in the center of your chest that you acknowledge.

It happens more often that you let yourself realize.

Satisfaction is different.  It is a long term, goal reaching and setting state of being.  It's a long road with dips and turns and sometimes dead ends.  But also an acceptance of you direction, a willingness and desire to move forward on the same path.  

And what if things change?  What if you have more moments of darkness and dissatisfaction instead?  Well, then, you change your path. 

It is really that simple.

I have overcomplicated my life in so many ways by trying to project other peoples feelings and never giving weight to my own.  Or being worried about how other people i care about would feel about my choices.  And that has helped me in a way, to find my way to not caring about other peoples expectations.

I've always realized what i didn't want when i came into contact with it.  But not what i wanted.  I've never made active choices in my life where men are concerned until a few years ago.  I would break up with men i found myself accidentally in a relationship with....because i didn't choose it.  Because i passively fell into it.  I could never figure out why my feelings for someone would change so fast - because our relationship was assumed, snuck in, hoping i wouldn't notice.  And when i did I say "What the fuck?" and ended the scenario.  

Relationships need to be negotiated.  Attraction isn't enough.  It's important, and needs to be there, but it doesn't hold the ship together.  Common goals, morals, the ability to disagree with respect, the ability to move forward and not sit stagnant..........to keep growing as individuals and as a couple......with the person you chose, and who chose you back.  Not passive.  Very purposeful.

And sometimes, probably always, it's needs to be tested.  several times.

Before it catches and lights up. 

Before your fears are quieted, and you realise that even when you are in a relationship your are an individual that can make changes to your life if you need or want to.

And the wieght of it lifts.  I have always felt without choices, without power, without consideration within a relationship........and now, i feel the full strength of my SELF.  Within a relationship.

What. A. Concept. 

Self love

Less than 4 years ago i was at my heaviest - and most miserable.  I kissed 250lbs up close and personal.  I never made it, but it was knocking at the door.  Then i moved closer to work, had less of a commute, most of my time to myself outside of work and i enveloped myself into a cocoon.  The weight didn't increase, nor did it leave.   I would start to watch what i eat and then i'd ruin it in one day by binge eating.  I was always hungry.  Always had "food noise".....when could i eat again?  what could i eat? how much could i eat?  

It's a real thing.  And when you are unhappy, food is your friend. Anyways, my friend.  my comfort.  my reward.  my punishment.  

After starting and stopping for over 10 years, I went to see about bariatric surgery and did all the testing and classes.  I was scheduled for the surgery and i backed out.   I was going under the knife to lose wieght?  I was going to remove part of my stomach for .......what?  I am a single woman, living alone, depending soley on my own income and i'm going to go do something that could have serious complications.  

No.  There had to be a better way.  I just accepted that i'm fat, i'm getting older, my body hurts and i'm always going to be alone.  Thats that.  And then my insurance changed.

I had to lose weight.  I was pre-diabetic........which everyone is if they AREN'T diabetic, for fucks sake.  But my BMI was 38.  I was shortening my life, limiting what i could do, and.........I wanted to be able to get down on the floor with my granddaughter and play.  Thats what really did it.  I wanted to be able to walk up stairs.  

Things most people take for granted.

Lots of stuff happened.  And I started taking the GLP-1 and began losing the pounds.  However, it has taken me 9 months to lose 50lbs when i see others melting at a much quicker pace.  I don't care.  As long as i'm not gaining.

I went on that walk in the woods with Bill....in April of 2025 and i thought i was going to have a heart attack.  That last hill made me lose my mind.  I sat on the ground crying, dizzy thinking this is so embarrassing.......and then i wiped my tears.  Told myself to get off my ass and get up the hill or die.  I did it.  Not much of an accomplishment, but definetly a change of mind.

I deserve to feel better and do better and look better.  I deserve to be comfortable in my body.  From that day i accepted who i am right now at that moment, but to always try to do better for myself.  I started walking, excersizing, going to physcial therapy.  And i started feeling better.  I still hurt.  I still creak,  But now, walking isn't something that is a big deal.  Walking very fast is a challenge, but that will be improved also over time.

I start and stop, start and stop.  When the weather started getting cold i stopped walking.  Then i stopped stretching. But i got back on the horse.   I'm still trying to talk myself into going to the gym that i joined but i'm scared.  I hate gyms.  It will be my next big hurdle.  And i will most likely be mad i didn't do it sooner.

For now, i walk around the hospital and up and down the stairs when i need to get away from my desk.  I see the other regulars doing it too.  We recognize each other.  Right now i only go up and down one flight in between rounds, but next week i'm moving it up to two flights. and so on.  The goal is to get to the roof from the basement.  Eventually.  I want my ass up where it belongs - and more important i want my legs to be strong.  

Bill encourages me.  I appreciate that.  I'm not sure if he will go on the April 2026 walk on that same trail with me, or not.  I hope so.  Wanting to lose weight started with my granddaugher, but wanting to have a healthier body started the day i realized how much my body had changed in such a short period of time.

Aging sucks.

So there i am, and here i am today.  I would like to lose 50 more lbs but my goal is actually to fit into a pair of jeans i wore when i was 40 and had the band SEVENDUST sign my pants.  I want to put that pair of jeans on again.  It sounds silly, but its the goal.  Not the pounds, or the size.  Those jeans.  

I felt beautiful and sexy in those jeans.  

I feel beautiful and sexy today.  And i still want better for myself.  Onward.  

Refuse to overthink

 i'm in an actual relationship.  With a man.  That i want to be in a relationship with.

Thats not something i expected to ever say again.

I am no holds barred, head over heals, in love with this infuriating, imperfect man......who is perfect for me.

I will not overthink the risk i'm taking of having feelings, and what that means if he ever decides i'm not the one.  

I will not look at his every twitch as having to do with me.

Most importantly, i will remain my own person, separate from him, but with him.  I will not lose my identity by folding myself into his.  I will continue to strive to make myself better, more informed, healthier.....and not fall into that mistake of being comfortable at the cost of growth.

Friday i recorded a fashion show of dresses that i want to wear on the cruise, because i'm not totally comfortable with two of them.  I sent the pictures to my daughter.  She has not responded.  I believe that is an agreement that those two dresses are a no.  

Then, because i was getting dressed up, i started playing dress up with other outfits that i put together.  "going out" outfits.  I fit into so many of my favorite clothes that i haven't fit in years, but didn't have the heart to give away.  So then i started playing with my hair, and makeup.  You know, girl stuff. 

I sent the picture to Bill and he did the appropriate "i want you" responses....and then thought i was going out with my gf's that night. I wasn't going out with them until Saturday night.

And thats where the miscommunication comes in.  And that's were i start to get fucked up and defensive.

But not this time.  Later in the day, he told me his plans for the evening and i noticed i was no  included.  Instead of throwing a fit, or feeling let down, i just told him "I thought I'd see you tonight.  I better find something to do, because i'm not wasting good makeup lol"  Which caused him to tell me he thought i was going out with the girls tonight and getting all stressed out.  I told him not to worry, and not in a "you better worry" voice.  Let him do what he does.  That is my motto now.  And let me also do what i do.  And that is finding some live music somewhere.

So while i'm doing that, he's changing his plans.

I don't think thats ever been done for me.  ever.  by any man.  I'm not kidding.

He tells me to meet him at his house, and i head over thinking we will cook and eat, and watch tv while we hang out with the dogs.  And i bring my overnight bag.  Because, i'm staying. No he didn't ask.  I invited my own self.

When i got there he said lets go out.  And he took me out to dinner.  He's very good at treating me.  Then we came home and went right to bed.

Which i couldn't stay in because he has motion sensor lights and no curtains because he lives in the middle of freaking nowhere and his backyard is like Snow Whites forest with all the animals.  So every time the light went on i ran out of bed to see who was there, eating the food he leaves out.

A HUGE buck eating and two smaller bucks "playing" with their antlers entertwined.  THAT was magical to me.  

Back to bed.

LIghts on

4 does, all eating taking turns and then all their heads turn in one direction towards.......what? what is it?  It's a fox!  and it then starts running but the big doe decides she wants to stomp the little dude.....it's a soap opera out there.  I had no idea does were so bitchy.  

I feel like a little kid.  And apparently, i act like one when i see them.  But the bear.........no thank you.  The dogs watch with me and then look at me like "what is your issue? let me out ".....but i've learned to knock on the window to scare them away before i let the boys out.  They go tear assing out of the house and straight into the woods but the deer have a head start.

I will never get sick of that.

I don't want to walk them on a leash, but letting them go outside for potty is okay.  They kind of listen when i say to come in.  Cane listens, Able does what he wants.

We got out of bed at 4:30am, he made me coffee, I watered the dogs, we then hung out till late morning when i left to go home and be with my animals.  I spent the day cleaning and reorganizing, getting ready for my friends to come over.  We changed plans about going out once we saw the snow/ice was coming.  So while he went bird hunting with his friends, i spent a favorite kind of day putzing around, cleaning and having time to myself.  The girls came over and we did crafts and ate wings and drank wine.  It was a perfect day.

He was up at 1:30am to go into work to salt his contracts and manage his employees.  I thought he would go home in the afternoon when they were done, and crash out to sleep.  But he messaged me "hotwings and football?"  and i went over to his house for a few hours.  We have sporadic deep talks, while wrestling (literally) in between, and making each other laugh.  

It's fun.  

And i now cuddle up to him.  I never really used to be as affectionate as i wanted to be because i felt a wall around him.  

There is no more wall. 

We talk about real things, goals, future, what is success.  He called me beautiful.  I told him he owed me $100 for the wings.  

Am i scared?  yes.  Will I keep my eyes open as my heart melts? yes. This is adult love. It's not about the sex, or the compliments.  Our beliefs align.  Our goals align.  I feel like our strengths compliment each other.

But he is not easy.  He never will be.  He got cranky over the blue cheese dressing that should have been ranch (he hates cheese)........And i let him do his growling.  Then i told him i'd always check the order before i left from now on.  And he told me it wasn't my fault (which i already knew)  But i will check the bag because i know now, that he will get cranky if it's wrong.

Do i have to?  Hell no.  Suck it up butter cup.  BUT I want to.  It's a small thing to do to keep a man happy. 

I'm thinking that while i write in this blog i will talk about things that will hopefully remind me of other things.......if that makes sense.  I don't see myself writing a lot of personal details because it is also his privacy...and he didn't say "go tell the world my business" which is funny because no one actually reads this but me.

HOWEVER, it is a public forum.  And he does have a successful business.  So.  There's that.

I will continue to write about our progress, more so my progress because this is a new phase of life for me.  I'm in it.  no question.

It might implode.  Or it might not.  

One day at a time.  One foot in front of the other.  Per usual.

It's about me. duh.

 i am constantly checking in with myself.  How do I feel?  What makes me feel that way?  Is it perceived, or reality?  Are my stumbling blocks tripping me up? Do i need to have any feelings at all about certain things?  or comment?  or be involved?

I take a few seconds to run through these questions in my mind whenever i get "triggered" now.  I find that i am on the defensive a LOT, and that it mostly turns out to be uncalled for.

This years Christmas plans have changed.  My kids, adults, have changed the script to suit them - and it is perfectly fine.  Literally all i care about is seeing them.  Spending time with them.  I want to wake up Christmas morning with my granddaughters excitement over Santa visiting.

This year will be funny.  My girls are coming to CT and we are all staying with my son and his wife.  We are deferring to the fact that my DIL is......shhhhhh.  And we are all very very excited.  So Santa's elves will be confused and only leave a few things at Uncle's house because they will have to carry it all back on the train.  My daughter is a smart cookie.  I was ready to fill under the tree with all her presents not thinking about the return trip.  duh grandma.  

Also, being in Connecticut, and hour from home, allows me to spend the evening with Bill.  We can have a nice dinner and exchange presents.  I felt bad about him being alone all day, but that is his choice.  God knows people have tried to force me out on holidays (my birthday) because they "felt bad" when all i wanted to do was chill at home alone, perfectly happy, eating snacks in my pj's.  

This year we can do that together.  I can have the best of both worlds.  My family, and the man i'm in love with. 

Ugh.  That is so hard to say.  That is such a stumbling block for me.  The word causes me anxiety because it's coupled with pain, loss, betrayal.  

But here's what i know.  I can love someone and not be with them if thats how it needs to be.  Love doesn't mean allow disrespect, or mistreatment.  Just because i love, doesn't mean i forsake myself.  And THAT is what keeps me safe.  It may hurt.....it may be scary sometimes.....but all this hard shell around me needs to be cracked.  I deserve to feel soft.  warm.  happy.

I can be happy that this, softening, was the result of knowing him.  

Lets organize my thoughts

 He and i are good at experiencing the cycle of the comeback.  He re-enters my life with a flood of charisma, attention, heat, presence, all the parts i love so much about him, and he sweeps me off my feet.  But then, he pulls back, becomes more and more inconsistent, and his humor actually begins to hurt me, and chip away at my emotional safety. The relationship doesn't always give me space to express discomfort with some of the things he says, or does, without being dismissed, or teased even more...like my limits are being tested.  I'm his woman, someone he should protect emotionally, not test.

I love so much about him. His big energy, his presence, his masculinity.....his dominance.  But sometimes, it toxic or a version of alpha that needs me to be available to him, but doesn't offer the same in return.  I have grown used to standing in the center of my own life, and I won't now begin to spin around his unpredictability.  I shouldn't have to. I can't help but see the double standard.  The inconsistencies.

The days of me becoming unsteady, begging for clarity, making excuses, chasing and shrinking myself for anyone are over. I fully show up in our relationship, while remaining conscious.  Yes, i love his passion, his connection, his excitement but not at the cost of my stability, not at the expense of my emotional safety.  I will not remain where i do not feel chosen.  This cycle needs to work this time. 

Previously i made all my romantic decisions based on my emotions because I am bored by men who do not light me up the way he does.  But sometimes, his light burns me.  My observations of our relationship and how it continues to grow, or not, over time will be my deciding factor.  Not my heart.  He has my heart. 

I've grown to know myself through counseling, and the way love works for me, the way i love and want to be loved: It's observable, feelable, and consistent. It's not vague. It's not last, it's not hidden.    My reminders to myself are these:

Consistency - Intensity is fun, but consistency is love. Yes, he gives me fireworks, his charisma is magnetic and sometimes overwhelming.  I am blown away by him in the best and worst ways.   But he needs to show up for me in the most mundane ways too though, not just the chemistry he sets off in me.   I shouldn't ever have to wonder where i stand with him.  

his behavior has to match his words.  He needs to back up his charm with doing what he says hes going to do - by making plans, following through, thinking ahead.  He is so good at initiating connection with me in the beginning, but that starts to fall off and it's not always because of work. When i don't hear from him all day and find out that he was talking to a female friend about someone elses marriage troubles...........but he dismisses me from talking to him about the same topics........that doesn't sit well with me.   That doesn't match up.  When he tells me that men aren't ever "just" friends with women, and he has so many female friends, that doesn't add up.  

Emotional safety - I don't want to be coddled, or treated as if i have no sense of humor but there is a difference between joking and hurting me.  Taking digs at my appearance, when teasing turns to humiliation, when i call it out and the teasing escalates.......thats using my vulnerability against me. I need my man to know the difference. Sarcasm that is used to hurt me, teasing that turns into disrespect, my soft spots poked for entertainment, or vulnerability that gets punished is not love.  I need a partner that can handle honesty without turning it into ammunition.  I love his playful masculinity but he goes too far sometimes.  I'm not one of the guys.  I am feminine, strong, sensual and emotional - and he should honor that. 

Chosen - I need to feel chosen without ever having to second-guess.  I don't want to feel like an afterthought that gets fit in in between all the important things.  I want to be let into his life, not just his schedule.  I want him to feel proud of me, like i am of him.  Privately AND publically.  I show up for him, i'm a giver of affection and assurance, I love him passionately, fully, completely.  I need that in return.  I'm not a secret to be hidden, or be told how to show my happiness.  I deserve a relationship that is public in spirit, while private in details.  One where me posting publically about our public life doesn't get discouraged, where he is proud to stand next to me socially and personally, where there is no gray area, no double life.  If he wants me in private and not in public, he will not get me at all. He wants privacy for a reason, and none of the good ones apply. Our whole conversation about social media, which he brought up to me right when he probably felt i was going to post about our relationship?  That was a soft boundary that he was implying for me.  I'm not going to be hidden. Not for convenience, for ego, or because it might mess up options for him.  I have self-worth. I'm in love with him and i want everyone to know it.  If he doesn't, there's a reason.  It should be me and him against the world.  and everyone should know it. 

Independence - My life is big and it needs to keep growing.  I want to experience all the things both with and without him. I shouldn't have to shrink by keeping my life small.  He should respect my friendships, not sabotage my plans (like when he broke up with me on my way to NY) and he shouldn't expect my life to revolve around him while he stays chaotic and last minute.  A man who loves me will support the parts of my life that aren't about him - the way i support everything about his life that aren't about me.   That  is love, anything else is just access. A man who loves me will blend into my life, and vice versa - not bulldoze it. 

I need to feel safe with him -I don't want a single disagreement to send him running.  Or me running. We need to trust each other with our feelings without having to brace for the next withdrawal.  Thats on both of us.  He should work with me to repair with me when things go wrong. I shouldn't have to worry that the return of another woman will displace me in his life.

He envisions a future with me - more than just this moment.  He should be thinking about whats next for us, not only right now, this minute.  Plans should be made for the next weekend, or time that we will see each other.  He should say "I want you to go with me to pick out the puppy".  Him saying he doesn't know the day he's going, or that his friends want to take a road trip with him......that isn't sharing a future with me.  If he can only live in the present moment with me, and is never building forward - he's not in love with me.  If he can commit to work, shooting, fishing, hunting, friends.......I shouldn't be coming in last. 

When i don't have to hold my breath or avoid talking about certain things, that is love.  When i don't have to wonder if i'm asking too much, or feel crazy for having needs, that is love.  When i don't feel like i'm put on the shelf to be taken down when he feels like playing with me.  When i don't feel invisible, or worse, a guilty pleasure. That is love.

 I won't take the responsibility for the whole relationship to be based on my being quiet and passive. Invisible.

I need him to choose me, not the cycle of the comeback.  Not the settling for me because right now he thinks someone else just won't work out.  I won't accept less than reciprocity of affection, openness, warmth, reassurance, passion and priority.  No guessing games. I want to feel chosen every day with consistent admiration, visible desire, enthusiasm for me, and pride in me.  As i have for him.  Always. 

Patterns

 Have you ever just stood back and watched?  If you do, you can't help but see patterns within your relationships.  The key is to see it, sit with it, and decide if it's worth continuing with.

Family is obviously excluded.  My kids and my grandkids are stuck with me till the bitter end.  Nothing can tear me from them.  

I alwasy thought my close friends were the same, because some of them ARE family to me.  Even if we don't see each other often, it doesn't matter.  We both know a call is all that is needed and either one of us would come running.  With a shovel if need be.  

Sometimes, i need a break though. Sometimes a repeated monologue will make me fold into myself and give the obligatory "mmhmmm" and "oh my god".........because nothing more is required from me.  When that turns into a very long streak, i need a break.

So i take it.

I'm not great at relationships.  With the world my skin is pretty thick but with those close to me, a slight mood change will have me thinking its over.

The point to this?  I see a pattern with Bill.  He comes back with a flourish, a flooding of the senses, an overwhelming charisma that i can't see past to remember why there is a come back at all.  And then, when i've said, yes, i want to be with you - the other behavior starts.  Maybe he's not as consistent with calling, or maybe he makes comments that could be considered negative regarding my appearance...All things i would call him on in the past.

But this time, i'm managing my emotions.  When we go months of not talking, yes, i miss him.  But a part of me is relieved because there is no wondering.  We aren't together and he is out there doing whatever he does.  I don't have to wonder if he'll call, or text, or when i will see him again.  I don't have to wonder why he isn't as excited about making plans with me as i am with him.

But when we (he) decides we are back together, it seems to fall apart pretty quickly.  

This time, i jumped in full bore.  This is my last hurrah.  It's going to work, or it's not.  And it's not all on me.  I won't be pointing out that some of his comments make me consider being insecure (I feel good about myself, and my body - no person is going to make me feel bad about my progress)  He is a ball buster.  And so am i.  And in that way, we have fun.  However, i don't make comments about his appearance, ever.  Could I?  I'm sure i could.  But to me, he looks perfect.

I am super attracted to him and his overalls....of all the goddamn things.

He has small hands, small feet, and has a small stature.  He is not a big man.  It is his personality and presense, it is how he fill his space - that is larger than life.  And THAT has always been catnip to me.  I am attracted to masculinity, and this man is overflowing with it.

sometimes it's toxic.

I'm not actually one of the guys.  Sometimes his ball busting is too much.  And i know i'm not a pantywaste with no sense of humor.  Sometimes he pokes the sore spots on purpose.

And i don't get that.  

But i acknowledge it in my mind.  It's filed.  Because telling him just brings on a lot more ball busting.

And ........i dont' think thats great.

I do want to feel safe with him, both physically and mentally.  I don't always.  But yes, i do love him.  Have loved him, even though i've felt like a moron TO love him.  He makes me so fucking angry.  Sometimes i feel rage.

I don't get it.

I will say, that this time around i'm doing a lot more watching than participating.  I asked to see him Friday (I know I know) and he never answered me.  That got filed.  I won't ask again.  I realize his business is his life, that any kind of routine is going to be out of the question.  I can take that or leave it.  Right now i'm  taking it.

But I don't think he likes it when i make plans with my friends.  It makes me unavailable to him, even  though he is pretty much always unavailable to me until the last minute.  And yet, i will still make plans with my friends and carry on with my life.  

as he does.

It's important to me to feel secure.  And I don't.  We have spent more time broken up than together.  What i know for sure is this time i will put in 100%, i will not shut down and run over one disagreement, BUT, I will file away the times I feel as if this isn't real for him.  It's important for me to know i did all i could without forsaking myself.

He drives me wild, not always in a good way.  

But honestly, i'm bored by men who don't.  And THAT, is on me.

Everything takes time to evolve, and to learn and to adjust.  That has to be a two way street.

Last night he told me he hasn't been active on social media, that he doesn't want everyone knowing his business, that he keeps it very positive and general if he does post at all.  And my immediate thought was he was telling me not to post about us.

That got filed.

I will not be hidden away, for any reason.  If he isn't proud to be with me, then that will become apparent.  If he doesn't want other women to know he is in a relationship, that too, will become apparent.  I'm not going to be told not to post about my life or who i'm with.  If he doesn't want the world to know.........why not?

because this is too soon.  because we've gone round and round.  But .....he's either in, or out.

That's up to him.

Christmas

 My son is hosting Christmas eve at his house this year.  This time of year is so complicated.  My daughters husband's (estranged) birthday is on Christmas eve.  He wants to spend it with his daughter.  He has never been very flexible about it also being a holiday. 

Last year was so nice.  My grandaughter was out with her father on Christmas Eve.  I spent some time alone with my daughter and we wrapped presents and drank wine until she came home.  Then we watched a christmas movie and talked about me staying awake to "catch" Santa.  This has become a tradition.  Christmas day last year, my son and his wife came into the city and we got all dressed up and went to a fancy dinner together.  My daughters husband joined us.  All was wonderful until the end of the night when he told my granddaugher she was going home with him, because they had a flight early the next morning.

The shit hit the fan.  My granddaughter did NOT want to go when her grandmother was here.  She wanted to go home and play with her christmas toys and be with us.  Up to that point i had been very impressed that this child had been so good at such a boring thing for a kid.  Well, that ended.  She began to cry.  Not loud.  but it broke my heart.  And he kept making it worse.  And my daughter got more than a little rage in her eye.

So Christmas night was emotional.  He can be such a selfish prick.  

This year, he wants my daughter to go out to dinner on Christmas eve with him and their daughter, knowing very well that i come every christmas eve.  It's very hard not to hate him.  SO now i'm going with them.  HA HA asshole.  I'm quite sure that was the condition set by my daughter.  So yes, i will go and believe me, drinks are on him.

I'm hoping that my son and his wife will come to the city Christmas day.  It might be too much if they are hosting the night before.  Also, it might be the last time in a long time that they can do it.  shhhhh.

Add in that Bill isn't going anywhere for Christmas and just wants to stay home alone with his dogs not working.  In a way, i hope it snows so that he is working.  The idea of him being alone bothers me.  I did invite him to the city, but he hasn't met my family and that would be uncomfortable for him.  I get it.

With all that said, i am still excited about Christmas.  I have everything i want.  My children are grown ups and will figure out what they all want to do.  And they will tell me where i need to go.  Christmas is about kids, and that is always where i will be.  We don't have any traditions in my small family, this is the only one.  And when my son has kids it will evolve, but bet your ass, Christmas to me is about my grandbabies.  

I can get stressed, worry and try to control.  OR i can just relax, be flexible and enjoy.  I did order something very nice for Bill, that i hope he will like.  And i MAY do a stocking for him as a christmas morning surprise.  Because the idea of celebrating him and shopping for him makes me happy.  

Pay attention

 One small adjustment i've made in my mind is to pay attention to MY feelings, and not worry so much about someone elses.  This doesn't mean running around and hurting people's feelings; it just means I'm the only one who can control how I feel and react.  So do that.

It's empowering to know that someone elses actions may upset me, but it's not something I need to change or correct.  It's not my job to teach someone how to treat me.  It's my job to be around people who treat me well.  done.

So this morning, when i didn't hear from Bill (because he's probably the only one i've ever enjoyed talking to first thing in the morning) I thought "oh, and it begins" because.........well, that's me.  BUT I then turned my thoughts to getting ready for work, making lunch, taking care of the animals, and getting my butt to work.  When i parked, i saw i had missed a call from him so i just called him back.  

No snarky text messages, no small attitude.  Why?  Who knows why he didn't call me earlier, and really, who cares?  We both had shit to do.

Now, to the "normal" person, that seems like a no brainer.  To an overthinker......it can be the beginning of a bad day. 

When I made the choice to be with him, again, i did it with the understanding in my mind and heart that i was going into it with faith, and 100% authenticity.  No holding back.  No protecting myself, or being hyper vigilant.  No bringing up the past.  Do this with my whole heart or don't do it at all.  I have lost count of how many times we have gone round.  This is the last time because this time, i wont' run.

He is difficult.  He can be selfish and has some interesting ideas.............but half the time he's trying to get a rise out of me.  He likes the banter, he is stimulated by intense conversation - as i am.  And he gives me a run for my money.  I used to shut down.  Treat it as an attack.  Now, i've jumped in and hell....it's fun.  We go back and forth, point for point, laughing.  He pushes me.  And i've gotten the balls to push back.  

I don't want to pull this relationship apart by analyzing every moment.  Or overthinking.  Or being defensive.  I know my boundaries.  I know that i can't seem to stay away from him because i don't want to.  I can see a future with him.  One that i want, not settling for.  I choose to be with him over being alone when given that choice. 

And he can't stay away from me either.  It's not because he's getting anything from me. He's the one that takes me out, cooks for me, gives me orgasms.......he gets nothing from me, but me.  And apparently thats enough.  I want to cook for him, take care of him, be his softness in life.  We should be each other's safe place.

And with that said, i haven't told anyone i'm seeing him again - except Jen.  Because i know she understands and has no judgement against him.  Until we've been together a while, and I start becoming a bigger part of his life (which happens over time) I will not advertise it.

And when i do ........it will be large and loud.  Everyone will know, whether they care or not. :) 

I feel happy.  That is what i'm paying attention to.

Also, I had two missed calls from Mister last night and I didn't feel obligated to ask him what was up? I don't care.  After all that bullshit, and him reading a list of complaints to me over the phone - again, running right over me and what i was saying to him, to get what he wanted........I owe him nothing.  He did the same exact thing other men do, but with a different spin.  

No matter how he approached it wasn't going to work.  I need a MAN not a girlfriend.  I have girlfriends.  I owe him no response.  

I did mention Carlos to Bill, not out of the blue, but by way of explanation of still carrying residual feelings for someone i was never in an actual relationship with...it was the "you can't help how you feel" conversation regarding his ex.  He asked me why i wasn't with him, and i told him he never wanted to be with me.  And i had given him his open door - and it was done now.  

It's done because i'm with Bill.  I have always been a one man women and that will not change.  I expect the same in return.