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It's about me. duh.

 i am constantly checking in with myself.  How do I feel?  What makes me feel that way?  Is it perceived, or reality?  Are my stumbling blocks tripping me up? Do i need to have any feelings at all about certain things?  or comment?  or be involved?

I take a few seconds to run through these questions in my mind whenever i get "triggered" now.  I find that i am on the defensive a LOT, and that it mostly turns out to be uncalled for.

This years Christmas plans have changed.  My kids, adults, have changed the script to suit them - and it is perfectly fine.  Literally all i care about is seeing them.  Spending time with them.  I want to wake up Christmas morning with my granddaughters excitement over Santa visiting.

This year will be funny.  My girls are coming to CT and we are all staying with my son and his wife.  We are deferring to the fact that my DIL is......shhhhhh.  And we are all very very excited.  So Santa's elves will be confused and only leave a few things at Uncle's house because they will have to carry it all back on the train.  My daughter is a smart cookie.  I was ready to fill under the tree with all her presents not thinking about the return trip.  duh grandma.  

Also, being in Connecticut, and hour from home, allows me to spend the evening with Bill.  We can have a nice dinner and exchange presents.  I felt bad about him being alone all day, but that is his choice.  God knows people have tried to force me out on holidays (my birthday) because they "felt bad" when all i wanted to do was chill at home alone, perfectly happy, eating snacks in my pj's.  

This year we can do that together.  I can have the best of both worlds.  My family, and the man i'm in love with. 

Ugh.  That is so hard to say.  That is such a stumbling block for me.  The word causes me anxiety because it's coupled with pain, loss, betrayal.  

But here's what i know.  I can love someone and not be with them if thats how it needs to be.  Love doesn't mean allow disrespect, or mistreatment.  Just because i love, doesn't mean i forsake myself.  And THAT is what keeps me safe.  It may hurt.....it may be scary sometimes.....but all this hard shell around me needs to be cracked.  I deserve to feel soft.  warm.  happy.

I can be happy that this, softening, was the result of knowing him.  


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