First, i forgot to write about the train ride home from NYC. We found our train, walked all the way down to the very very end of it and there were no more seats left. So we walked alllll the way back up the track, thinking we would have to take a later train. The train started to leave, and when the last car pulled up to us, the conductor stopped the train. There were two almost empty cars (no one walks up that way to see) and she told us to hop on. We were so happy! as we walked onto the train we said thank you thank you and i said "merry christmas" she was very pretty and had a huge smile. She was our angel. As the train started up again she thanked everyone over the speaker for letting us get on the train, and told them we said Merry Christmas.
It was just a really nice thing for a random stranger to do. Acts like hers give me faith in humanity.
Now. Today. Today is bittersweet because i thought i might have my birthday celebrated by Bill, that he would do something, no matter small or large. He is working, and it's going to snow tonight, so i won't be seeing him. He made that fairly clear. He didn't offer to celebrate tomorrow, or another day. But i still had hope that maybe he would deliver flowers, or SOMETHING to make me feel special to him.
It's 3:30pm. I'm not going to hold my breath. I think i already knew it wasn't important. Shrug. Yes, i feel some kind of way because i wanted him to be different. He's a grown up. He knows social niceties....he has to know i would have hurt feelings.
Then i started thinking about some of the things he's been saying. Like this morning, when he called me, didn't say happy birthday, and started talking about his ex. Again. Like, all the time. Not just one ex. All of them. But some things he's been saying haven't added up to things he has told me in the past.
So i did something that i knew i probably shouldn't do. I reached back out to his ex, and asked if they were still seeing each other because i was also dating him. She freaked out. Called me every name in the book, and told me he said i was fat, out of shape and not attractive to him. Also, that SHE was too skinny. with a smiley face.
I should have felt something other than "is she two years old?". She wouldn't answer if they were together. Or if she continued to talk to him or see him. But she did reach right out to him immediately and he in turn reached out to me.
Now he won't respond to my texts.
The whole thing feels very juvenile, with my part included. I had an uncontrollable urge to verify which of his stories was the truth so i went to the source. This should not be an issue at all. I shouldn't have to be reaching out to anyone in regard to the man i'm dating.
but i did.
And i thought i would be upset but i'm extremely calm. We've been here before, and i went back to him. That is my fault. I should have talked to him about the discrepancy in his stories and he shouldn't be constantly talking about his ex, or exes.
He should have made an effort for me today.
Kate, Doug and Jen's daughter, drove an hour to bring me roses, a balloon and a gift. She dropped it all off and told me how much they all love me.
I have love in my life. It's just the men i pick that can't love me back. I think i'm too much. Or they aren't enough. But i'm tired. Being disappointed on my birthday is old hat. I'm used to it. I've never been celebrated the way other woman are. It's just the way it is.
When i answered Bills text the last time we got back together i told myself that if i was going to do this again i was going to make every effort to make it work, or ignore him and move on with my life. So i will see what comes of today's fiasco, although part of me knows.
I don't demand enough in return for my love. If i feel it, i lose sight of what i deserve. I thought he would do better. Maybe i'm wrong. Maybe he does have something planned, or did. Or maybe, just maybe, i'm not the one.
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