Less than 4 years ago i was at my heaviest - and most miserable. I kissed 250lbs up close and personal. I never made it, but it was knocking at the door. Then i moved closer to work, had less of a commute, most of my time to myself outside of work and i enveloped myself into a cocoon. The weight didn't increase, nor did it leave. I would start to watch what i eat and then i'd ruin it in one day by binge eating. I was always hungry. Always had "food noise".....when could i eat again? what could i eat? how much could i eat?
It's a real thing. And when you are unhappy, food is your friend. Anyways, my friend. my comfort. my reward. my punishment.
After starting and stopping for over 10 years, I went to see about bariatric surgery and did all the testing and classes. I was scheduled for the surgery and i backed out. I was going under the knife to lose wieght? I was going to remove part of my stomach for .......what? I am a single woman, living alone, depending soley on my own income and i'm going to go do something that could have serious complications.
No. There had to be a better way. I just accepted that i'm fat, i'm getting older, my body hurts and i'm always going to be alone. Thats that. And then my insurance changed.
I had to lose weight. I was pre-diabetic........which everyone is if they AREN'T diabetic, for fucks sake. But my BMI was 38. I was shortening my life, limiting what i could do, and.........I wanted to be able to get down on the floor with my granddaughter and play. Thats what really did it. I wanted to be able to walk up stairs.
Things most people take for granted.
Lots of stuff happened. And I started taking the GLP-1 and began losing the pounds. However, it has taken me 9 months to lose 50lbs when i see others melting at a much quicker pace. I don't care. As long as i'm not gaining.
I went on that walk in the woods with Bill....in April of 2025 and i thought i was going to have a heart attack. That last hill made me lose my mind. I sat on the ground crying, dizzy thinking this is so embarrassing.......and then i wiped my tears. Told myself to get off my ass and get up the hill or die. I did it. Not much of an accomplishment, but definetly a change of mind.
I deserve to feel better and do better and look better. I deserve to be comfortable in my body. From that day i accepted who i am right now at that moment, but to always try to do better for myself. I started walking, excersizing, going to physcial therapy. And i started feeling better. I still hurt. I still creak, But now, walking isn't something that is a big deal. Walking very fast is a challenge, but that will be improved also over time.
I start and stop, start and stop. When the weather started getting cold i stopped walking. Then i stopped stretching. But i got back on the horse. I'm still trying to talk myself into going to the gym that i joined but i'm scared. I hate gyms. It will be my next big hurdle. And i will most likely be mad i didn't do it sooner.
For now, i walk around the hospital and up and down the stairs when i need to get away from my desk. I see the other regulars doing it too. We recognize each other. Right now i only go up and down one flight in between rounds, but next week i'm moving it up to two flights. and so on. The goal is to get to the roof from the basement. Eventually. I want my ass up where it belongs - and more important i want my legs to be strong.
Bill encourages me. I appreciate that. I'm not sure if he will go on the April 2026 walk on that same trail with me, or not. I hope so. Wanting to lose weight started with my granddaugher, but wanting to have a healthier body started the day i realized how much my body had changed in such a short period of time.
Aging sucks.
So there i am, and here i am today. I would like to lose 50 more lbs but my goal is actually to fit into a pair of jeans i wore when i was 40 and had the band SEVENDUST sign my pants. I want to put that pair of jeans on again. It sounds silly, but its the goal. Not the pounds, or the size. Those jeans.
I felt beautiful and sexy in those jeans.
I feel beautiful and sexy today. And i still want better for myself. Onward.
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