Tomorrow i have a big day. Therapy and meetings in the morning, during lunch i'm running to get my state pistol permit (i let the last one expire like a dummy) and then after work i am heading out to Milford for the weekend.
Cookie swap at the churches early Saturday morning- I'm not a big fan. Something about eating cookies made by people i don't know kinda grosses me out. TOTAL strangers. But I'll donate the cookie cost, and I'll go to the church ladies' bazaar to see if there is anything interesting for gifts.
The point is, i'm going out with Jen and her daughter. We will be poking around for hours and no one will care. I have a feeling thrifting may be involved after the swapping.
I haven't spoken to my bestie this week. I feel like a shithead, but at the same time- i'm avoiding the drama. Every time i talk to her i get brought down a few notches, and i'm drained emotionally. We talk about the same things. I know the names of everyone she works with and how they are either acceptable or horrible....and why. I know her whole workday.
Also, a friend of hers passed away. And i'm going to be brutally honest here because i can be - I didn't like that woman, and just because she has passed, doesn't make me like her now. I know. It's not about that lady, it's about my bestie. But i do not think i can stomache the saint she has now become just because she has died.
She was a cranky, bossy, pain in the ass, emotional SUCK.........and she didn't eat food. And guess what. If she was alive today she would still be that person.
I'm going to hell. But i'm being honest and saying what other people think and don't say.
My bestie loves a good funeral. For her, it's social hour. She gets to see everyone she doesn't normally see and then she gets the dirt on people. It makes her happy. I hate funerals. I go, I give my respects to the family and my friend. I sit for a bit and make sure my friend doesn't need a little break away, and then when i know they are good for the moment i leave. The support comes after. The funeral is a haze of faces and getting through. It's after all the people have left, and you are alone.....thats when the repetitive thoughts and feelings that will drive you up a wall start. Now, everything is said and done. No more planning. And now, you have time to feel it at full force.
It sucks ass.
It's not entertainment for the general public who you may have known casually. And it pisses me off when she gets mad i won't go to funerals for people if i don't know the family. She's always trying to get me to do something i don't want to do.
And that is part of what i talk about in therapy.
Anyways- she's part of girls night in a few weeks, and i'm going to see if she can actually socialize without behaving like a queen before her court. Will she let loose and have fun with the girls? Or will she feel the need to trap someone into a conversation about herself? It won't be me. I'll be dancing and singing and not drinking since i'm the designated driver. Cindy needs a few drinks in her, and so does my bestie. Jen will probably stay sober with me. And no one is driving anywhere unless they are sober. So, sleepover is involved with the girls night.
Life is good, and i am in control of who i let into it, and how i let it effect me.
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