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Pay attention

 One small adjustment i've made in my mind is to pay attention to MY feelings, and not worry so much about someone elses.  This doesn't mean running around and hurting people's feelings; it just means I'm the only one who can control how I feel and react.  So do that.

It's empowering to know that someone elses actions may upset me, but it's not something I need to change or correct.  It's not my job to teach someone how to treat me.  It's my job to be around people who treat me well.  done.

So this morning, when i didn't hear from Bill (because he's probably the only one i've ever enjoyed talking to first thing in the morning) I thought "oh, and it begins" because.........well, that's me.  BUT I then turned my thoughts to getting ready for work, making lunch, taking care of the animals, and getting my butt to work.  When i parked, i saw i had missed a call from him so i just called him back.  

No snarky text messages, no small attitude.  Why?  Who knows why he didn't call me earlier, and really, who cares?  We both had shit to do.

Now, to the "normal" person, that seems like a no brainer.  To an overthinker......it can be the beginning of a bad day. 

When I made the choice to be with him, again, i did it with the understanding in my mind and heart that i was going into it with faith, and 100% authenticity.  No holding back.  No protecting myself, or being hyper vigilant.  No bringing up the past.  Do this with my whole heart or don't do it at all.  I have lost count of how many times we have gone round.  This is the last time because this time, i wont' run.

He is difficult.  He can be selfish and has some interesting ideas.............but half the time he's trying to get a rise out of me.  He likes the banter, he is stimulated by intense conversation - as i am.  And he gives me a run for my money.  I used to shut down.  Treat it as an attack.  Now, i've jumped in and hell....it's fun.  We go back and forth, point for point, laughing.  He pushes me.  And i've gotten the balls to push back.  

I don't want to pull this relationship apart by analyzing every moment.  Or overthinking.  Or being defensive.  I know my boundaries.  I know that i can't seem to stay away from him because i don't want to.  I can see a future with him.  One that i want, not settling for.  I choose to be with him over being alone when given that choice. 

And he can't stay away from me either.  It's not because he's getting anything from me. He's the one that takes me out, cooks for me, gives me orgasms.......he gets nothing from me, but me.  And apparently thats enough.  I want to cook for him, take care of him, be his softness in life.  We should be each other's safe place.

And with that said, i haven't told anyone i'm seeing him again - except Jen.  Because i know she understands and has no judgement against him.  Until we've been together a while, and I start becoming a bigger part of his life (which happens over time) I will not advertise it.

And when i do ........it will be large and loud.  Everyone will know, whether they care or not. :) 

I feel happy.  That is what i'm paying attention to.

Also, I had two missed calls from Mister last night and I didn't feel obligated to ask him what was up? I don't care.  After all that bullshit, and him reading a list of complaints to me over the phone - again, running right over me and what i was saying to him, to get what he wanted........I owe him nothing.  He did the same exact thing other men do, but with a different spin.  

No matter how he approached it wasn't going to work.  I need a MAN not a girlfriend.  I have girlfriends.  I owe him no response.  

I did mention Carlos to Bill, not out of the blue, but by way of explanation of still carrying residual feelings for someone i was never in an actual relationship with...it was the "you can't help how you feel" conversation regarding his ex.  He asked me why i wasn't with him, and i told him he never wanted to be with me.  And i had given him his open door - and it was done now.  

It's done because i'm with Bill.  I have always been a one man women and that will not change.  I expect the same in return.  

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