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I don't listen

Friday i told my therapist that Bill is like cigarettes.  If i have just one encounter (phone, text, in person) with him I will be back to him immediately.  Even knowing it's not good for me.

And then last night i heard that familiar text notification.  For a moment i thought "leave it" and then i couldn't stop myself.  A text conversation takes place.  Of course he wants me to go to his house and I refuse.  I tell him "you come here" and when he calls me, I have no idea he is on his way.  Until he tells me to open the door.

The feeling.  It's a feeling i can't duplicate.  I can't pretend to feel it when i should.  I can't choose who makes me feel it.  It's a rush, a lifting of my being - i think it's call happy.  I used to feel it with Carlos.  I sometimes still do but my heart slams shut when i know he is in a relationship with someone.  Same for Bill.  I will not feel for a man that isn't mine, or can't be mine.

Yet, here i am.  Feeling the feels.  I can't talk myself out of it.  He walked in the door and I felt like home.  I can't reproduce that feeling of completion, of comfort, of desire- yes, desire. 

I probably need to be committed.  Or given up on.  I see me in him, I feel recognition in my soul and maybe we've done this in other lifetimes and fuck it up every time.  ALL my feelings are large around him, and I run.  

Yet we can't stay apart.  

He told me he loves me.  He told me I love him.  I didn't  deny it.  I don't know what this feeling is but we keep going round and round.  We are both fucked up.  He drives me crazy.  

And i can't get enough.  What does that say about me?  He knows how to work me.  He laughs when bullshit comes out of my mouth.  He sees right through me.

How long will we go around this time before i run again?  Before he does something I find unacceptable to live with?  Or do i just give over to it.  The complexities.

He may have feelings for his ex, but he never reached out to her after i broke up with him.  I know this, not from him, but from her.  The reality is I have feelings for another man that I can't have as well.  And i DID reach out.  Is that a ticking time bomb or is that a complex life examined?  

Am i making excuses to myself  to be with Bill?  And why do i need to?  

Something is happening to me.  And I have to find out what. 

Oh, and in case I try to tell myself it's about the sex..........it's not.  We haven't.  We might not ever.  It's the chemistry.  The comfort, the familiar flame.  I can't explain it, or put it into words.  

He may really be an addiction.  Or I may really be in love and thats why I let him re-enter my life with open arms each time.  I don't care. 

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