Holiday my way

I only buy gifts for my granddaugher.  Years ago i told my friends and my kids i wasn't doing a gift exchange anymore and that they should save their money.  My kids are adults, i have too many friends to buy for and basically, everyone can get what they want or need now.

What i have been doing for the past 2 years is a lot of thrifting.  I love thrifting.  I don't think any of my clothes outside of underware and socks are new.  I have a better wardrobe than what i can afford if i had bought everything new.  I've perfected the thrift, and try to only buy quality, not fashion.  Most times.

Many times i find things that I know others would absolutely love.  And then i buy those things, and give it to them.  I don't wait for a holiday, or an occassion.  When i see them, I give them whatever i found for them.  And i've made people surprised and happy doing that.  Because it is a nice surprise.  No expectations, therefor, no disappointments. Just a nice little thought.

And it makes me very happy  too.  I don't have a list.  I don't have a deadline.  I don't even have a budget.  If i see it and someones face comes to mind, i get it.  simple.

This doesn't work for everyone. I do have friends that find getting used items distasteful.  And i don't do it for them.  I have friends that it's more about how much you spent then the thought.  And i don't do it for them.  Do i find things that i think would tickle them?  Yes.  So this year, 2026, i will include them.  They can throw it away for all i care. But this is ME giving them my love.  They can take it or leave it as they see fit.  I will no longer conform to other peoples expectations.  Especially when i'm paying for it.

When i was growing up the holidays were stressful.  I couldn't open presents until my father got up, but it was his day off, one of not very many days off, and he wanted to sleep.  So he would get grouchy.  And i would end up getting yelled at by my mother.  Merry Christmas.  I never went without.  I had a house to live in, food to eat and clothes on my back.  If i flew under the radar I didn't get into much trouble. We would then go to my fathers families house, and that is where i always felt adopted.  I wasn't his blood.  I don't have to explain why i felt different.  You can imagine.  

My birthday is a holiday and my parents always went out for it.  Back then parties weren't really a thing, but combined christmas and birthday presents from my parents was.  So birthdays are also a sore spot for me.

Then i had my own children.  And every holiday was spent at my inlaws.  There was a set time, dress code, and expectations.  If any were missed, there was hell to pay.  My mother in law would, without fail, go up to her room to sulk until someone went up and kissed her ass.  Then she would come back downstairs and we would all carry on like we weren't miserable.  Fun.  Then my husband decided we weren't talking to his family any more.......so for years, it was just us.  And he hated the holidays.  So THAT was always a treat.  Isolated or tortured by convention.  I'm not sure what was worse.

I had no family aside from my kids.  And if i was with them, i was happy.

Then i started forcing them to join me years later when i started dating a man i would spend the next 13 years with.  The holidays were fun.  For me.  But not for them.  This wasn't there family, they didn't know anyone- although everyone was very kind to them, they felt like the outsiders that i used to feel like when i was a child.  So i basically did to them what was done to me.

They would  be miserable teens and i would be miserable wanting to be part of this new family.  I'm not sure i handled it well.  The alternative was to stay home alone for the holidays and I so badly wanted to belong to a family that loved me. I thought i was doing the right thing forcing them to go with me. I did my best.

They grew up, I had a break up, and they had already began their new traditions with their friends and families.  I was now included with their plans.  And again, i felt like the outsider.  This is selfish of me, but I didn't want to share my time with my kids.  Completely contradictory.  I know.  So i started spending the holidays alone.  I started seeing them "around" the holidays.  I was going through a lot of regret, pain, self soothing, selfishness, and depression.  I was holding on for dear life.

I love my DIL's family.  They have always shown us love when they have not been required to.  But the fact remains that my son IS a part of that family, and I am not.  I hate the feeling of being an outsider.  Wether its realistic or not.  That is how i feel. I've been invited to friends families too.  I have always felt welcomed, and never felt at ease.

And that is my fault.  Only my fault.

So now, i go where i am invited, or i have a dinner at my place.  I no longer put my expectations on others.  This year, we celebrated thanksgiving at my house, the day after.  And it was lovely.  No stress.  Christmas will be spent in NY because my SIL's bday is christmas eve.  We will go out to a fancy restaurant to celebrate his bday and christmas.  And i will be with my girls christmas morning. I hope my son and DIL come christmas day, but i will not push.  It should be a wish, not an expectation.

I roll with it.  It's a joyful season and it is about family.  Not how much we spend, what we do, or when we do it.  It is just a time to enjoy each others presence.

And I'm not feeling so strange anymore.  I don't dread the holidays.  I look forward to them.