Simple pleasures

 Yesterday was a good day.

I got a lot of work done, actually turned my camera on for a Teams call (I don't usually) and my boss left cookies on my desk for me.

He has a major sweet tooth and he told me he was going to find something sweet in the cafe, did i want anything?  I told him i was eating protein and salads, sweets didn't count.

I had to run to another office to pick up my brand new official stamp, and when i came back there were two freshly baked cookies on my desk.

Damn it.

It's rude to turn down a gift.  Especially cookies.

I'm sure it won't bust my diet.

Then last night i threw a temper tantrum on the phone with my bestie because.......i had to cook dinner.

I've been meal planning to eat healthy and to save money....eat purposefully.  That requires cooking dinner every night except for my planned "leftover" nights.  Last night was a chicken stir fry that required a lot of chopping and making the sauce from scratch.  I didn't feel like it.  I didn't have a choice, because i'm not giving myself the choice.  So i bitched about it.

It was good.  I'll add it into the rotation and my old fashioned recipe book so i don't forget about it.  The second portion got packed and thrown into the freezer.  I've been freezing portions of meals getting ready for the possible surgery on my knee.  But that's a different blog.

Because i was a "good girl" i allowed myself some time to play animal crossing on my switch.  I'm trying to fancy up my island so my daughter is impressed and so my grandaughter will love it.  Low and behold, they were online and I got to play with my grandaughter and talk/see my daughter on facetime at the same time.  This, is one of my favorite things to do.  My grandaughter and i being silly and running around together virtually, and seeing my daughter on the phone.  

Now, how do i get my son to play too?  I don't know if it's possible but i'm gonna find out, bet your ass.

This must be why i bought the switch, which seemed a very impulsive buy at the time.  Everything works out for the best.

Hoping for another happy day today.  

Daily bread

My efforts to write daily have been pretty successful, I feel. 

Religion and politics are two topics I shy away from because I feel it's very personal and not up for judgment or debate with unknown personalities.  With friends, people I respect, yes. 

Do you ever feel like anything you put on the internet may come back in the future and be used against you?  I've always felt that I say what I feel and when/if that changes, I say what I feel.  I stand behind my thoughts and experiences.  But can you imagine if someone or "someones" felt that I shouldn't?  

It's not unheard of, after all.

Last night I sat at my dining room table and ate dinner.  I didn't sit in front of the TV, or stand at the counter (yes I do that)...I didn't sit at the butcher block in my kitchen.  I set the table, served myself, sat down and ate like a proper lady.

I need to do that more often.  I need to take in the surroundings that I have put together and am still working on perfecting for myself.  Nothing matches.  Most stuff is used, and some has been repurposed.  I use tapestries for curtains, empty frames as art, books as comfort and life.  Everything is functional before being aesthetically pleasing.  I don't think I have anything that doesn't serve a purpose.  

But I do have a dining room table.

I've been conscious lately of hanging up my work bag, putting my keys away and not dumping everything on the table when I arrive home.  I've been keeping it clear which makes my world feel more tidy, more in control.  But I don't usually use this table for anything else.  Unless I have visitors.  Thats not often.

So.  Keep or get rid of?

I'm in a very "get rid of" mood.  

OR.

I could use it to eat my meals.  I could EVEN invite people over.  Entertain.  What. A. Concept.

What if I became more purposeful along with making my surroundings purposeful?   

Thats my thought for the day.  I hope you are blown away by my depth and charm.  

keep forgetting

 I keep forgetting that not everyone is raised the same way and that different parts of the country hold different views.  I'm lucky to have been born in the Northeast to a middle-class family.  I have entitlements that many others didn't have like a fairly decent education. 

I am constantly reminded of this when watching interactions in online forums, or groups.  I would actually interact with people who made comments that enraged me......and then I remembered.  You can't have an intellectual conversation with someone who already has their mind made up and cannot be open to at least thinking about new ideas.

I was talking to a male friend the other night, about how people change. Everyone who has an open mind and critical thinking skills changes over time because they are exposed to new thoughts and ideas.  I'm not saying that basic moral fiber is changed, but people who can take in new information, think about whether it is true to them or could be true to others.........that's learning.

Not everyone can.  Or wants to.  Some people seem so stuck in their belief system that they can't fathom it might not be the same for others. 

Thats very scary to me.  

This same male friend told me he is a Trump supporter.  I thought he was joking and he was not.  I didn't jump on him telling him all the reasons he shouldn't be.  I listened to what he had to say.  Whether I agree with him or not is a moot point.  But as someone I love and respect, I needed to hear him.

We don't need to agree.  Thats the beauty of relationships.  You get to have your own thoughts, opinions, likes, dislikes, and not be shamed for it or talked down to.  We should listen to each other, weigh the information and decide if we agree.  After all, this is coming from someone you love and respect, why would you respond in any other way?

This country is deaf at the moment.  People are yelling their beliefs so loudly and violently that no listening occurs.  It's a bunch of noise.... useless, pointless, and depressing.  

It's a failure and yet we keep repeating it.  That's the definition of insanity. 

Why worry about retirement when anyone who is paying attention knows that this election, regardless of who wins, is going to be a violent shitshow?  Am i being paranoid?  Or am i being realistic?  There are too many players with personal interests that are running this show.  It has nothing to do with "Americans".  We are just being manipulated to get in our emotions and feel anger, desperation and despair...not to mention FEAR which is the worst of them all.  Because scared people don't think first.  They react.

I feel helpless like I'm waiting for everyone else to decide what happens next.  Thats accurate.  

Joining a club

 Friday i got my signatures for sponsorship, and turned in my application to the Elks Club.  I've been wanting to join and finally motivated myself to do what needed to be done.  Now I have to go through an interview and induction if they decide i can join.  I'm looking forward to the community aspect, the ability to go somewhere and hang out and know people, and i am looking forward to becoming active in the community again.

I used to volunteer to with the Lions Club, working fairs and a few events.  I wanted to join, but women had a different group within the club to join.  I wasn't down with that.  When i moved I stopped volunteering because i didn't live in that community anymore, but also, that no women rule turned me off in a big way.

Yesterday i spent the day on Kevin and Cathys boat on the ocean.  It felt awesome.  I had brought my kindle and my switch....but instead we enjoyed good conversation..the day went by really fast and by the time i got home i was in bed.  It was still light out.  

Today i'm doing meal prep for the week and laundry.  As I was standing in the kitchen chopping, peeling and mixing, i was thinking how nice it would be to be doing this with a partner.  Wake up late, laze around in bed, get up and have some breakfast...then hang around the house together getting things done so the week goes smoothly.  Then, after the "chores" are done (together) we relax and watch a tv series, or a movie before having dinner (that we make together) or go out and have dinner and a walk.  

To many that sound like hell.  To me that sounds like comfort, security, being healthy and having a smooth running life with no drama.  Just a nice easy companionship.  

For now i do it alone, maybe forever.  But soon i'll meet more people, get involved with the club, and be social too.  I just want simplicity right now.  Peace.  

Back to making the jar salads.........Happy Sunday. 

as if

Did i tell you I love my job?

I do.

I've been here since February, after transferring out of the job from literal hell.  I lasted in that position for exactly one year and started looking to transfer 9 months in.  Before that I worked in the same position for 5 years before realizing I wasn't going anywhere so to move up, I had to move out of that department.

I never used to, but now I'm always thinking a few years ahead.  What will happen "if".  I'm lucky that I work for a place where there are many many departments and choices.  But I'm getting up there in age so I'm looking for my landing spot.  I believe I've found it.  My big concern is my current boss will retire within a few years and everything could change.

This morning someone I worked with in my first position with this organization came into our offices for a meeting and talked to me while he waited.  I asked after everyone, of course.  He gave me the rundown and asked if I would consider returning.

"As?" I asked.

"We always have a place for you" (what a bullshitter)

I'm happy where I am.  I adore my boss.  And that is what I told him.

He said, "You work with all the heavy hitters, I can see you enjoy it".

Yes, indeed.  I do.

What I enjoy even more is watching what goes around come around.  This same man ASKED me to apply for a position when I worked with him and then offered the job to another man.  He explained "it was a "complete surprise" and that the other candidate had more experience.  I was crushed, and I was motivated.  I privately laughed my ass off when that "more qualified" man declined the offer and no, I was no longer interested.  I did move up, and I did it in a different department.  Adios.  

I continue to move onward.  Being single means I get to focus entirely on myself and my goal is to continue to learn and be happy at work.  I take no shit.  Now, if I could only translate that to my personal life.

housekeeping

 I spoke too soon, regarding not knowing any of the men on that facebook group "Are we dating the same man".  I was surprised, and then not surprised, to see the face of someone I had casually dated a while back.  I didn't think he was a bad guy, just not someone I would have considered getting serious about.  Anyways, I had fun with him.  It goes to show how different people click or definitely do NOT click and how both women and men can take it very personally.

I know I have.  It made me think about how personally I take it.  Too personally.  I must work on that.  

This weekend was amazing and overdue.  We all (2 couples and 4 singles) spent the weekend together at an airbnb in Vermont to celebrate a 50th birthday.  We cooked, ate, drank and made merry all weekend.  There was a fire pit, a hot tub, and a dart board...music, great conversations....just a general love festival.  We are such a mixed bag of nuts.

I went with my couple, (we are referred to as the throuple) and we got there early and got to enjoy a bit of quiet and get things unpacked and settled before the gang arrived.  On the way home we stopped at a flea marked in Wilmington, VT that I haven't been to in years.  It was very nostalgic for me, and not sad at all. It reminded me of many happy memories of people I will always love even though we have drifted apart due to life happening.  I did send a picture of me there to D who promptly taunted me with a picture of him and his friends out riding.  I like where we have landed.  It was a long time to be together and a not good ending but the fact remains, we have history.  This full circle is what I needed, if not him.  

A lot of this is due to not having that extended family.  My kids are my family and now my grandaughter.  I can't put the weight of all my need for connection on my children, who are independent, exactly like me.  I wish we were closer, that I saw them more often and that they included me more in their lives but I understand to an extent that there is a lot of anger that they have for me.  

I want nothing more than to have that close relationship with my kids and I don't know how.  It's something I hate admitting.  I have all the history of my life to look back on and say with honesty that I always did the best I could and my best was severely lacking.  Still is.  I feel like I've worked through a lot with my daughter because she has no problem telling me, or letting me know where I fucked up.  I could give her excuses, reasons, but it wouldn't negate her experience of having me as a mother.  I accept her experience, her anger, her will to be a better mother than what she had.  As much as I want to call her daily she has a busy life and I don't know how to be part of it without interfering.  I don't have any experience.

My mother was/is? mentally ill and absent, my father died of cirrhosis when I was in my early 20's with 2 babies.  My in laws were extremely involved and intrusive.  My ex husband also had/has mental illness along with substance abuse.  I wasn't born into a good situation neither did I choose a good situation to attach too.  It wasn't until I was in my 50's that I finally started living a purposeful life where I wasn't just surviving.

And my kids were raised in that chaos.  I do understand the antipathy, even if it hurts.  

I feel my relationship with my daughter has gotten better however if I had my way I'd be talking to her daily.  My relationship with my son has been more difficult.  I love his wife, but I never see him or spend time with just him.  Even when I see him on the holidays (sometimes) she is ever present and strongly leading the conversations.  They are a perfect pair, and I am happy that they have each other and at the same time, I don't feel I have a relationship with my son because of that closeness.

I can't get in.  When I call my calls to to voicemail.  I have had to call his wife to get ahold of him.  If that isn't a clear message I don't know what is.  I text him and perhaps days later he will respond or not.  I have tried to make plans for holidays in 10,000 different ways to no avail.  It is always about her family first.  I want to make clear that I love her, and her family.  I think they are the nicest kindest and generous people I have ever met.  But I would still like a relationship with my son, time alone with him.  He has a lot of animosity toward me that I want to accept as his experience.  I want to do better as his mother and I don't know how.  

The holidays are the worst.  Im the charity case that gets added on to the list.  I'm not fancy.  Last Christmas my girls (daughter and grandaughter) and i were included in his inlaws Christmas eve.  I wanted to bring something but when i say her mother has it, this woman has it.  She is Martha Stewart in every sense.  I am not.  She asked if i could bring more cidar and i was excited to be able to bring something...............so i picked up 2 gallons of apple cidar.

She meant sparkling cider.  

She never said a word about it but i felt like a complete idiot.  

I did wonder why she would want apple cider - but i thought it had to do with something she was cooking.  

There is a huge difference between them, and me.  I'm not knocking myself.  I'm just not at that level of having my shit together.  And it shows.

I don't think they are better than me, but i know my son does.  I can't blame him.  They are the stability that i never gave him.

He no longer acknowledges my birthday, and this past mothers day went by without a call or text.  Last night i texted him because he's been on my mind more than usual and he made it pretty clear my inquiry was not welcome.

I will never not be my kids mother.  I will never not be there if they call me, or need me.  I will never go away.  Ever.  Wanted, or not.

And that's where I'm at.  

Yesterday la la la

 Yesterday i had to scroll through facebook messages to find a link sent by a friend.  While doing said scrolling I saw his face.  God Damn It.

I haven't thought of him for a few days and hadn't thought about NOT thinking about him.  And then this.  Fresh hurt.  He's so handsome, I can still hear his voice. ..I thought he was the guy.

 I re-read the messages. (BAD GIRL) At the end, it took me a while to figure out he wasn't going to respond.  After our "misunderstanding" which was a perfect understanding that we were not coming from the same place, that was it.  Done.  I had a boundary, stood in it, and lost the guy. 

(I know, I never had the guy)

I struggle with mixed feelings because if I had NOT said anything we would have probably still been spending weekends together having amazing sex, laughing our asses off, talking, watching movies, etc., you know, enjoying each other.  His third-shift life and my need for time to myself fit perfectly.  Our touching base with texts/ phone calls throughout the week.....it was the perfect balance, from my perspective.

With no labels, and an agreement not to do this with anyone else.....no claiming me as his.  

My old self thinks I self-sabotaged.  I ruined it.

BUT the healed woman I now am screams "fuck that".  I'm not a FWB.  I'm worthy of more. 

I didn't want any more than what we had at that moment, and all I wished for in the future was to share our lives, friends, and family eventually.  Not move in, not get married, not be attached at the hip.  And he was adamant about not wanting a relationship, while having one.  "just have fun" he said.  I was thinking about us WAY more than he was, for sure.  

I would have spent the next few years falling deeper and he would have felt like his disclaimer would be a safety net of feeling no guilt when he retired in 3 years and moved away without a backward glance.  OR he was already growing bored of me, OR....there are 10,000 reasons why men do or don't do what they do and I am BORED with thinking about it.  He just wasn't into me. 

The point is I identified dismissive behavior and this time, I stood up for myself. 

 With the right man, I wont have to protect myself because HE will be looking out for me.  So as much as it still sucks when I'm reminded, I did the right thing and he enforced it by vanishing from my life. 

I took a deep breath, deleted our conversations and "un-friended" him.  He doesn't need to accidentally view any details of my life.  And I don't need to see his face by surprise and feel that regret and confusion.  Being honest here, I finally let go of the idea that he might have a change of heart and miss me too.  Gross.  Problem solved. 

I can and will stand up for myself even when there's that almost definite outcome of that person walking away.  Those are not my people.  I'm gonna be fine.  

Cant hide now!

 I don't know how long this has been around, but I accidentally stumbled on it; "Are we dating the same man" groups on Facebook.  

Hy.Ster.ICAL.  

What an absolutely FABULOUS idea!  These groups are serious about vetting who joins, are for women only and have a set of rules that are strictly followed or you get booted.  Anyway, the ones I'm in seem to be. 

 My rule is "if you put it on facebook, it will be found out" which is actually one of the warnings posted.  There will always be a risk that the man you post will find out you posted.  Its a risk many are willing to take.

The point of these groups, which are usually limited to certain cities or areas, is to alert other women of potential problem men and to basically catch them out if they are cheating or behaving badly.  It's freaking GENIOUS.  

I wonder if men have the same groups?  "This woman expected me to give out because she brought me to dinner"  or "I felt unsafe because she wouldn't let me out of the car" or "I keep finding men's products in her bathroom".......probably not.

It's not actually hysterical.  It's actually a bit disturbing when you read some of the experiences that woman are sharing about the same men.  It's a public service, and I love the comradery of the women supporting each other.

There is a little drama, but not too much, and usually caused by someone who doesn't want to accept that the man she is dating isn't who or what she thought he was.  Give it time.

I'm grateful not to have had to post.  I've never felt unsafe, or like a potential victim......in years.  But this would have been OUTSTANDING to review a few years back.  It's a wonderful and sad tool that women should use if they are part of the dating scene.

I haven't seen anyone I know, thank goodness.  I hope never TO see anyone I know.  I highly doubt I'll be posting ever considering my lack of dating.

Genius.  

shouldn't stop

 I use a bullet journal to write down personal things, appointments, happenings, goals, etc.  I pretty much live in it since it holds everything about me at the moment and in the near future.  I don't trust anything I can't hold in my hand to be accessible when I need it.  I'm Gen X.  I don't trust much.

But here, I can vent, postulate, change my mind 10 times, go back and read when I should have put my foot down, and also be kind to my process.  I'm not someone to internalize emotions, and even so, I still think my indigestion comes from staying quiet when I want to speak.

I'm afraid if I stop writing this time I won't start again.  I don't think I have years available to leave blank like I've done in the past.  The thing is, a lot of what I think about is repetitive.  

I don't tend to stress about my children because they are doing way better than I was at their age, then I am NOW.  Both make it happen and seem to have their lives together as much as it can be at any given moment.  I do stress about what this world is going to be like for my granddaughter.......especially with this next election.  I'm scared for everyone really.  But mostly, I'm apologetic to the next generation because no matter who is elected, it's going to be a shit show.

There is so much anger, so much hatred, so much.......so large, so uncontainable rage.  We have successfully turned into the rest of the world and it only took a couple hundred years.  We, Americans, hold ourselves above and yet......we are the same.  The rich get richer, the poor stay poor and the middle class are working slaves content to fill the pockets of the rich and poor alike.  I can say this because as a single woman with no property I am in the highest tax bracket.  My income on paper has increased by over 20K during the past 5 years and I'm taking home the same amount of money.  Go figure.

I'm at the point that I want to find a gay man to marry so I can offer him health benefits and we can have a double income household without the sexual/emotional tension causing problems.  We can each do our own thing and yet have someone to come home to without any bullshit.  Why a gay man and not a gay woman you may ask?  Because I believe that gender roles do exist regardless of your sexuality and I'm not competing with a woman to run a household.  

So that's an idea for retirement.  It's better than "he "commit a crime and go to jail so I have a roof over my head when I can't pay for housing because there's no affordable housing or social security left"........plan.

 Hey, at least I have options. 

I'd love to live in a tiny house with a tiny yard in a community of peace loving, mind your own business, retired people.  I think those were trailer parks at one point.  But even those are ridiculous now.  So now the dream is to live in a tiny house in the woods by myself with my books and my coffee and nature.  Leave me the fuck alone.  Except for my family and friends, no one would know where to find me.  That off grid thing is looking nice.  Add a few shotguns so dissuade any trouble makers from bothering an old lady (make that crazy ass old lady) and I think I could live a very nice life.  

Maybe the Appalachians....I think I would fit right in.  Mind your business, I'll mind mine.  I may be on to something here.....i smell a research project.  This is what mindless free writing gets me.

Try it.  You might like it. 

without wheels and survived

 I didn't think i was going to.  

My daughter sent money to my venmo account because she didn't want me riding a bus to work in this heat, and because, she said "you have lady ankles" and shouldn't be walking that far.

So for a week I was transported to and from work by UBER.  Mostly it was quite nice.  I have a perfect score of 5, even though I've had this account for years.  I was mostly picked up in an upgraded vehicle with ice-cold air on....it was wonderful.  Only one ride was questionable.

My friend Doug picked me up and brought me in one day, but I felt bad having him go out of his way.  On Friday, when I still had no answer from the car dealership when they would look at my car never mind fix it.......i freaked out.  So Doug came and got me, brought me to his wife Jens work where I took her vehicle so I could have wheels for the week.  

By the end of day Friday, the dealership had diagnosed and fixed the expensive problem of a new battery and reprogramming a new key fob because mine is busted.  Mind you, the battery was replaced by a guy I was seeing last summer, who also managed to take all the wax and color off the roof of my vehicle....long story but men have ruined my cute little ride, not me.  Anyways, she's ready to be picked up.

My friend Dwight and his girl picked me up the next day and drove me to the dealership, and waited until they got the thumbs up to leave.  In case there were any problems they said.

Last weekend my bestie made her husband pick me up and bring me to their house and she drove me home later.

The point is, the troops rallied and made sure I got to work and got out of the house.  They offered rides, money, their vehicle, and condolences.  I was not left to rot.

I'm very lucky in the family and friends department.  I'm very lucky in the work department.  I am grateful beyond words.

I still get bouts of hurt over the last MAN I allowed to make me feel anything.  Hurt or embarrassment?  One of those.  I still can't believe I was so wrong about him, that he was a lowlife ghosting asshole and not the man I thought he was.  At the same time, I'm in an easy place with my ex now and I never thought that would happen.  Maybe that needed to happen before I can find the right partner.  

If I ever bother to try again.

Life is good.  I should leave it alone. 

back in business

 I had JUST started to lose weight when my "specialist" decided to cut me off from a prescription because her office thought my insurance had changed.  

Six weeks later I have to start it all over again at the start dose because I'm literally starting at the beginning again.  That weight I has lost?  All back.  Joy.

yes, most likely I will need to take a maintenance dose for the rest of my life.......is it worth it?  yes.  Without it I am hungry all the time.  My brain tells me I'm hungry, my stomach growls as if it is empty, I feel hunger pains a half hour after I've eaten.  It never used to be this way.  I hit 50 and I started noticing my appetite increasing not decreasing.  Add some stress and being raised to use food as a coping mechanism and voila!  Big weight gain at a time in my life where getting it off is nearly impossible.  The past 4 weeks have been torture, knowing I'm feeding a hormone, that I'm not starving even if it feels like I am, and constantly thinking about food and when/what can I eat next.

The struggle is real.  

For the past few weeks I've been on the starter dose and yesterday I increased it.  I can feel the effects.  I'm not hungry.  At all.  I AM thirsty so I'm sucking down water and black coffee - I'm aware they counteract each other.  Working on it.

I know even if my eyes are bigger than my......prescription, I won't be able to eat very much before I feel incredibly full.  I will eat more frequently, grazing.......entire meals won't be attractive anymore.  I remember this feeling.  I will need to remind myself to eat or I will forget.  My diet will be mostly protein so my refrigerator will look crazy.  And olives.  I will always have olives.

and fruit (berries mostly) because I'm always thirsty.

Got my CPAP machine with a new company and I've been using it consistently, which will also help with the weight loss.  AND since I scared the hell out of myself walking on the trails and seeing bears more than once, I bought myself a "walking pad" to get my steps in as I binge-watch television after work.  Re-arranged some furniture and I now have a blank wall where its safe to do some yoga and pilates....i can still get down on the floor and not feel like I'm trapped there...When I force myself it feels incredibly wonderful.  

I'm focusing on my physical well being and letting my mental health hitch a ride for a while so that means this blog is going silent again.  Hopefully not for years.  

I know more than they think

Smart women do not go on dates with men they do not know without doing a little digging first.

It help if a friend recommends the man, but even then, I do a shallow dive into who this man is digitally at least.  

I find out a lot on a shallow dive, imagine what I, or anyone can find out on a deep one.

I'm not nosy, or judgmental......but yes, discriminating.  I find out about arrests, marriages, bankruptcies....the basics.  All i'm looking for is a generic confirmation that this man is unlikely to kill or hurt me when i meet him.  

So i know a LOT before i ever meet a man.

Like DUI's.

Like marriages.

Like, live in girlfriends

etc. etc. etc.

The web surprisingly isn't always up to date or correct.  A search on myself shows that i'm still married to man i've been divorced from for over 20 years.  It also shows and ex boyfriend as still residing with me.....interesting.  So, don't believe everything is current.  Unless of course it's dated.

I keep concerning information under my hat so to speak.  Like, this last date had a DUI on his record from October of 2023.  Again, not judging, just aware.  When he showed up in an Uber on our first date i did wonder if he lost his license, which probably isn't something he was going to share on a first date.  

I have spent time with a man who was seemingly honest about his marriage and divorce.  One of them.  He left another out.  Now, is that a safety concern?  Is it really any of my business?  Not right away, but it is something I would expect to at least be touched on early on.  I knew.  I knew he was not entirely honest about his ...history.  But then, he didn't really give many details to very direct questions either.  So i knew.  I knew this was going nowhere on his end.  

I still hoped, because i'm that idiot that wants to make the bad boy a good one because he falls in love with me......ha ha ha.

Back to DUI boy.  First date was nice.  Sat outside on a perfect summer day and chit chatted very directly about what we were looking for by dating.  I had a beer, he had many and threw in a cocktail. *noted   I also took into account that i know a lot of men that can suck down a sixpack without blinking and they aren't bad guys.  At the end of the night, he walked me to my car and his uber pulled up beside us.  he gave me a nice little kiss goodnight and we went out merry ways.

Next day - lets go to movies?  July 4th and neither of us had plans for different reasons.  Long story short, we come out of the movie and he walks me to my car and then tries to literally shove his tongue down my throat standing in a parking lot.  Ew.  Call me picky, call me cold.....that is NOT welcome.  So i gave him a little push on the chest and said, "absolutely not doing this".  He seemed put off, but accepted my choice and left me to get in my car.  

Car, no start.  So i grab my handy dandy jump box and begin the process of opening my hood and connecting positive and negative....i've done this a few times. He drives by and stops, asking me if i know what i'm doing.

Let me do that for you would have been accepted, if not needed.  Asking me, while I'M DOING IT if i know what i'm doing.......okay fucktard.  No.  I'm a helpless little flower and need your big man brain to fix it for me.  But i bit my tongue.  

Car still doesn't turn over.  He checks my work to make sure i've got it right ....I think, maybe i didn't charge this jump battery after last time....anyways, it's time to call AAA because i don't want to be here all night.  

He DOES offer the use of his AAA if i don't have it.....and then tells me he has to go because his son needs his car.  Tells me to keep him informed.  And then he leaves, with my assurance that i have AAA.

I do the calls, i walk across the lot and order a slice of pizza and a beer and wait for AAA to call back.

I text my male friend, thinking he will think it's funny, that i have shit luck, and he DOES NOT think it is humorous.    He instantly kicks into protective man mode.....where are you?  I'll come get you.  Don't worry we'll take care of this.  Mind you, his girlfriend was also there on speaker phone.  My bestie also 45 minutes away from me was offering to come get me or sit with me while i waited....

You know, decent loving people who don't leave a woman alone in a parking lot stranded waiting for help.

In fairness, they know me.  They know ME.  Just because i can take care of myself doesn't mean i don't get overwhelmed or appreciate the company and support of someone who cares about me.  I had total strangers walking out of the theater asking me if i needed a ride, or any assistance.

But the douche who tried to gag me with his tongue was long gone.  Never texted, never called to see if i was okay or all set.  Winner winner.

You can do a deep dive on the men you might go out with, and all it's going to tell you is what they have been caught doing.  It's not going to tell you who they are, or if they are good men.

I know men that have done time and i would trust them with my life.  I know men with no record who i wouldn't leave my wallet around.

So .......yes, do the general investigation on a potential date because that is the very least you can do in a world where men play games, are rarely what they say they are, and can be deadly.  But never think that because they look great on paper that they are a good person.  It's sad, to have to assume that someone doesn't have your best interest at heart, as a person if not a potential special person.  But that is the facts, jack, don't come back.

Maybe i'm not lonely.  Maybe i'm disappointed that dating and meeting men isn't anywhere near fun.  

Planning is a PITA

It is so HARD to get a bunch of people together for dinner, let alone trying to plan a weekend away together.

You want to make sure everyone can attend but you need help to do it..... People need to make arrangements around the event if they want to go.  If not, see you at the next one.  Or....you plan the next one and we'll all show up.

Is that awful or is that the Capricorn in me?  

A friend is celebrating his big 50th birthday and his wife has rented a cabin in Vermont and asked me to invite everyone - We usually do this tag-team approach to situations.  It's like herding sheep sometimes. 

 If I was invited to a free weekend away (not all can afford to pay and that part I get) with my friends (which I have been many many many times over the years) I would jump on that.  There are ways to make your presence useful without having to worry about the expense, and literally no-one cares.  We just want to be together. 

A couple of years ago we all rented a place on a lake with an indoor pool and sauna for a long weekend.  It was......amazing.  We did it in the winter so we could sit in the jacuzzi and watch it snow outside.......We had a ton of food, we all cooked, drank, ate gummies, and had a great time.  We all cooked together, cleaned up together, and laughed our silly asses off all weekend.  Ever since then we've been talking about doing it again.

The sound system and lighting in this pool room were incredible.....I spent most of my time here.

Anyways - making plans, moving forward, carrying on with life.  With a goddamn smile.  Who needs a man?  Luxury item.  

People think I'm crazy but I'm flying to Florida next month for a long weekend on a beach that doesn't hurt my feet.  I cannot WAIT to go relax and it's kind of crazy that I have to get on a plane to do that......but it works.  A nice change of scenery. I will be getting some more ink while I'm there as well. 

Also, looks like I'm going to Cape Cod for another long weekend with two old friends from high school.  

I've also been thinking about picking a place and just going by myself.  I haven't decided yet but it has occurred to me that being in a relationship and doing this with someone special is not going to happen any time soon.  I'm always the third wheel and I think i'd like to experience being solo on purpose.

This years goal was to get a passport, which I've never had, and we are halfway through the year.  I better get on it.  A bucket list item of mine is to live for a year in Ireland, which will have to wait until I retire, and a trip to Tibet.  If I start planning now I should be able to do both by the time I'm 80.  This year, I'll keep it simple.  Maybe I'll finally go to Niagra Falls on the Canadian side, which I hear is better.  I've never been on EITHER side.  

It's about time I do that.

Just do it and smile

I'm hung up on a man that has ghosted me.  *Poof gone.  My doing, considering I asked for my things and flatly refused to be a fuck buddy.  

How much longer am I going to think about what happened? He didn't consider me worthy of relationship status.  I have zero interest in continuing to entertain a man who doesn't care for me back.  

I mean, I keep thinking "hell, I'll take the sex with him and screw the relationship" but ......in the end that's not who I am.  

His unwillingness to return messages, or talk to me on top of his desire to keep "single" status should be enough for me to move on.  I'm struggling.  

It may shock some but I get asked out pretty regularly.   I'm approachable.  I smile.  I am easy to talk to.  Some think I'm attractive.  

On Wednesday I'm going out with yet another new man for drinks.  I get to sit through this whole process again and try not to think about where I'd rather be.  It's unfair to this persistent man, so I will go with the flow.  At the very least, it will be a good conversation.  A distraction.  

I ask myself.......how do I care?  When do I stop, caring.  

A man I am very close to for many reasons, someone I consider family, tried to comfort me on Friday.  He asked if I was okay?  I was "off".  Then he asked me if I was happy?  And I burst into tears which completely freaked him out.  I don't cry.  Not around people.  He hugged me, patted my back like a child, and stroked my hair telling me it was okay to cry.  Which made me cry harder.

Now I'm crying again.  Fuckin A

I'm lucky to have good people who love me very much in my life.  My friend consoled me while being blunt about how I move around men.  Not everyone can handle my......directness, openness........the things that should be considered attractive in my opinion.  He gave me his take on what may have happened after I told him a little bit about what had been said.  

I'm a lot.  He ran.  Simple.  

I'm always going to be who I am, and I accept people for who they are.  If I don't like you, I don't try to change you, I just don't associate anymore.  In other words, I can't, and don't want to change who I am to make someone comfortable. 

Yes, he's in my head but he has chosen to not be part of my life ......for now, forever, I have no idea.  And I have to keep living as if I'm single because, I am.

What a weird feeling.  Not a fan.

I'm keeping an open mind.  An open heart.  Can't find love sitting in my living room.  

Wish me luck.