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shouldn't stop

 I use a bullet journal to write down personal things, appointments, happenings, goals, etc.  I pretty much live in it since it holds everything about me at the moment and in the near future.  I don't trust anything I can't hold in my hand to be accessible when I need it.  I'm Gen X.  I don't trust much.

But here, I can vent, postulate, change my mind 10 times, go back and read when I should have put my foot down, and also be kind to my process.  I'm not someone to internalize emotions, and even so, I still think my indigestion comes from staying quiet when I want to speak.

I'm afraid if I stop writing this time I won't start again.  I don't think I have years available to leave blank like I've done in the past.  The thing is, a lot of what I think about is repetitive.  

I don't tend to stress about my children because they are doing way better than I was at their age, then I am NOW.  Both make it happen and seem to have their lives together as much as it can be at any given moment.  I do stress about what this world is going to be like for my granddaughter.......especially with this next election.  I'm scared for everyone really.  But mostly, I'm apologetic to the next generation because no matter who is elected, it's going to be a shit show.

There is so much anger, so much hatred, so much.......so large, so uncontainable rage.  We have successfully turned into the rest of the world and it only took a couple hundred years.  We, Americans, hold ourselves above and yet......we are the same.  The rich get richer, the poor stay poor and the middle class are working slaves content to fill the pockets of the rich and poor alike.  I can say this because as a single woman with no property I am in the highest tax bracket.  My income on paper has increased by over 20K during the past 5 years and I'm taking home the same amount of money.  Go figure.

I'm at the point that I want to find a gay man to marry so I can offer him health benefits and we can have a double income household without the sexual/emotional tension causing problems.  We can each do our own thing and yet have someone to come home to without any bullshit.  Why a gay man and not a gay woman you may ask?  Because I believe that gender roles do exist regardless of your sexuality and I'm not competing with a woman to run a household.  

So that's an idea for retirement.  It's better than "he "commit a crime and go to jail so I have a roof over my head when I can't pay for housing because there's no affordable housing or social security left"........plan.

 Hey, at least I have options. 

I'd love to live in a tiny house with a tiny yard in a community of peace loving, mind your own business, retired people.  I think those were trailer parks at one point.  But even those are ridiculous now.  So now the dream is to live in a tiny house in the woods by myself with my books and my coffee and nature.  Leave me the fuck alone.  Except for my family and friends, no one would know where to find me.  That off grid thing is looking nice.  Add a few shotguns so dissuade any trouble makers from bothering an old lady (make that crazy ass old lady) and I think I could live a very nice life.  

Maybe the Appalachians....I think I would fit right in.  Mind your business, I'll mind mine.  I may be on to something here.....i smell a research project.  This is what mindless free writing gets me.




Try it.  You might like it. 

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