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Just do it and smile

I'm hung up on a man that has ghosted me.  *Poof gone.  My doing, considering I asked for my things and flatly refused to be a fuck buddy.  

How much longer am I going to think about what happened? He didn't consider me worthy of relationship status.  I have zero interest in continuing to entertain a man who doesn't care for me back.  

I mean, I keep thinking "hell, I'll take the sex with him and screw the relationship" but ......in the end that's not who I am.  

His unwillingness to return messages, or talk to me on top of his desire to keep "single" status should be enough for me to move on.  I'm struggling.  

It may shock some but I get asked out pretty regularly.   I'm approachable.  I smile.  I am easy to talk to.  Some think I'm attractive.  

On Wednesday I'm going out with yet another new man for drinks.  I get to sit through this whole process again and try not to think about where I'd rather be.  It's unfair to this persistent man, so I will go with the flow.  At the very least, it will be a good conversation.  A distraction.  

I ask myself.......how do I care?  When do I stop, caring.  

A man I am very close to for many reasons, someone I consider family, tried to comfort me on Friday.  He asked if I was okay?  I was "off".  Then he asked me if I was happy?  And I burst into tears which completely freaked him out.  I don't cry.  Not around people.  He hugged me, patted my back like a child, and stroked my hair telling me it was okay to cry.  Which made me cry harder.

Now I'm crying again.  Fuckin A

I'm lucky to have good people who love me very much in my life.  My friend consoled me while being blunt about how I move around men.  Not everyone can handle my......directness, openness........the things that should be considered attractive in my opinion.  He gave me his take on what may have happened after I told him a little bit about what had been said.  

I'm a lot.  He ran.  Simple.  

I'm always going to be who I am, and I accept people for who they are.  If I don't like you, I don't try to change you, I just don't associate anymore.  In other words, I can't, and don't want to change who I am to make someone comfortable. 

Yes, he's in my head but he has chosen to not be part of my life ......for now, forever, I have no idea.  And I have to keep living as if I'm single because, I am.

What a weird feeling.  Not a fan.

I'm keeping an open mind.  An open heart.  Can't find love sitting in my living room.  

Wish me luck. 




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