housekeeping

 I spoke too soon, regarding not knowing any of the men on that facebook group "Are we dating the same man".  I was surprised, and then not surprised, to see the face of someone I had casually dated a while back.  I didn't think he was a bad guy, just not someone I would have considered getting serious about.  Anyways, I had fun with him.  It goes to show how different people click or definitely do NOT click and how both women and men can take it very personally.

I know I have.  It made me think about how personally I take it.  Too personally.  I must work on that.  

This weekend was amazing and overdue.  We all (2 couples and 4 singles) spent the weekend together at an airbnb in Vermont to celebrate a 50th birthday.  We cooked, ate, drank and made merry all weekend.  There was a fire pit, a hot tub, and a dart board...music, great conversations....just a general love festival.  We are such a mixed bag of nuts.

I went with my couple, (we are referred to as the throuple) and we got there early and got to enjoy a bit of quiet and get things unpacked and settled before the gang arrived.  On the way home we stopped at a flea marked in Wilmington, VT that I haven't been to in years.  It was very nostalgic for me, and not sad at all. It reminded me of many happy memories of people I will always love even though we have drifted apart due to life happening.  I did send a picture of me there to D who promptly taunted me with a picture of him and his friends out riding.  I like where we have landed.  It was a long time to be together and a not good ending but the fact remains, we have history.  This full circle is what I needed, if not him.  

A lot of this is due to not having that extended family.  My kids are my family and now my grandaughter.  I can't put the weight of all my need for connection on my children, who are independent, exactly like me.  I wish we were closer, that I saw them more often and that they included me more in their lives but I understand to an extent that there is a lot of anger that they have for me.  

I want nothing more than to have that close relationship with my kids and I don't know how.  It's something I hate admitting.  I have all the history of my life to look back on and say with honesty that I always did the best I could and my best was severely lacking.  Still is.  I feel like I've worked through a lot with my daughter because she has no problem telling me, or letting me know where I fucked up.  I could give her excuses, reasons, but it wouldn't negate her experience of having me as a mother.  I accept her experience, her anger, her will to be a better mother than what she had.  As much as I want to call her daily she has a busy life and I don't know how to be part of it without interfering.  I don't have any experience.

My mother was/is? mentally ill and absent, my father died of cirrhosis when I was in my early 20's with 2 babies.  My in laws were extremely involved and intrusive.  My ex husband also had/has mental illness along with substance abuse.  I wasn't born into a good situation neither did I choose a good situation to attach too.  It wasn't until I was in my 50's that I finally started living a purposeful life where I wasn't just surviving.

And my kids were raised in that chaos.  I do understand the antipathy, even if it hurts.  

I feel my relationship with my daughter has gotten better however if I had my way I'd be talking to her daily.  My relationship with my son has been more difficult.  I love his wife, but I never see him or spend time with just him.  Even when I see him on the holidays (sometimes) she is ever present and strongly leading the conversations.  They are a perfect pair, and I am happy that they have each other and at the same time, I don't feel I have a relationship with my son because of that closeness.

I can't get in.  When I call my calls to to voicemail.  I have had to call his wife to get ahold of him.  If that isn't a clear message I don't know what is.  I text him and perhaps days later he will respond or not.  I have tried to make plans for holidays in 10,000 different ways to no avail.  It is always about her family first.  I want to make clear that I love her, and her family.  I think they are the nicest kindest and generous people I have ever met.  But I would still like a relationship with my son, time alone with him.  He has a lot of animosity toward me that I want to accept as his experience.  I want to do better as his mother and I don't know how.  

The holidays are the worst.  Im the charity case that gets added on to the list.  I'm not fancy.  Last Christmas my girls (daughter and grandaughter) and i were included in his inlaws Christmas eve.  I wanted to bring something but when i say her mother has it, this woman has it.  She is Martha Stewart in every sense.  I am not.  She asked if i could bring more cidar and i was excited to be able to bring something...............so i picked up 2 gallons of apple cidar.

She meant sparkling cider.  

She never said a word about it but i felt like a complete idiot.  

I did wonder why she would want apple cider - but i thought it had to do with something she was cooking.  

There is a huge difference between them, and me.  I'm not knocking myself.  I'm just not at that level of having my shit together.  And it shows.

I don't think they are better than me, but i know my son does.  I can't blame him.  They are the stability that i never gave him.

He no longer acknowledges my birthday, and this past mothers day went by without a call or text.  Last night i texted him because he's been on my mind more than usual and he made it pretty clear my inquiry was not welcome.

I will never not be my kids mother.  I will never not be there if they call me, or need me.  I will never go away.  Ever.  Wanted, or not.

And that's where I'm at.