Butt Hurt

I did it again.  Got exctied about somone i was talking to for a few days and actually believed he was sincere.  I did meet  him on POF so i don't know why i'm so surprised. He seemed smart, witty, on the same page....a little gun shy too.....I really didn't expect to get ghosted. 

The ability to read people used to be a skill i had, and it seems to have disapeared.  

The ones i like turn out to be either married or just liars, nothing what they represent themselves to be.  These same guys are the ones who complain about scammers, or being catfished.  

It's all complete bullshit.  Dating is dead.  Men just want to "meet up" and fuck.  As soon as they catch on to the fact that i'm not about that.......*POOF i get ghosted. 

Thing is they usually come sniffing around again a few days later, with some bullshit (and unwanted) excuse.  Thats when they get deleted, and blocked.  No answer.  You wasted enough of my time already and i'm not given you ONE more opportunity.  

Sex is easy to find, it's everywhere.  I could, and have, made a phone call and gone out to get what was needed.  It's not a dirty secret anymore that women can have their sexual needs met without the mess of a relationship. It's not just for you MEN anymore.....

But fucking isn't a relationship.  It's maintanence.   Not even close to what i want. 

I spent literally months going back and forth with a man who i actually felt kind of bad for.  This poor guy, worked all the time, third shift, and only relative was his mother in a different state.  He never tried to lead me into sexting, never asked me for more pictures, he was just a "normal" guy that had little time to date. So he SAID.  At one point before christmas i had said to him that there was no point continuing with the texting if we weren't going to meet each other.  So we stopped.  And then a couple of months later started back up again, i can't even remember why.  This time we are going to meet he says, and then OF COURSE his mother falls sick the weekend we are supposed to meet and blah blah...i go through the whole "Don't worry, we'll meet later, no biggie" only to find out later that the fucker is not only a liar, but an expert liar with no fucking remorse.  Sociopath.    

I'll say this.  My slueth skills are on point.  I know how to find shit out.  Even when i'm not even trying.  I always do a basic google search on someone i'm going to go out with and i don't make a secret of it.  I don't care what your finances are, i just don't take anyones word anymore that they are single or not a violent offender.  If you have a past of beating women up, i'm not signing up for the next round.  This guy had no digital footprint at all.  Until he did.  

That situation upset me not because of HIM so much but becuase I had fallen for the bullshit yet again.  And wasted my time, again.  Got excited about possibilities, again.  So am i learning here, or not? I'm not ready to give up.  I'm not desperate to find a man either.  Is it so wrong to want love?  The kind that actually feels good and isn't toxic or disfunctional?  I'd like to experience that before i die.

I love men that can't love me back.  No amount of therapy has cured me of that.  The difference is that i don't love myself less than them anymore.  I can love you from a distance and never speak a word to you again.  I do have boundaries to protect myself now.  Thats what therapy gave me.

I try not to take it personally, or let a few jerks ruin my outlook on men in general.  I'm still emotionally available, even if physically limited due to the pandemic. 

Anyway, back to doing me and not having to worry about being lied to or cheated on.  I can focus on work, and do whatever i want whenever i want without anyones approval or disapproval.  Or love.  

Happy New Year

 Welcome 2021!  So far, i've had Covid-19, and broken my upper ankle by falling down the stairs.  

It's February 18th.  I've got a long way to go before 2022 so i better correct this trend.

Living situation: Changed.  I now have a roommate and live in a cute little town with a walking trail and 2 breweries within fairly decent walking distance.  The first couple of months were a bit stressful, with all of us adjusting to me being here, and me trying to find space in my new lodging.  It feels like everything has begun to settle and become our new normal.  I feel like moving here was a good decision. 

Work:  Same as it can be in a position that changes and evolves daily.  Covid has changed our world and how we fit into it, i don't care who you are.  I had very strong anxiety going into work every day in a hospital, feeling like i was playing russian roulette and wouild eventually get shot with the Covid bullet.

Since i've had and survived the virus, i'm more relaxed and less fearful for myself, however more fearful for others.  I'm grateful to have a job in this pandemic when so many do not.  

Men:  um. Same as always as far as I would like to share.  I do date, responsibly.  I do go out and interact with potential partners.  It's not the same as it was last year, or the year before however, the goal is the same.  To find the "one" perfect guy for me.  

Some people, generally those who already have a spouse, think i shouldn't be dating.  That i should wait until this pandemic is over.  Who is to say i will survive that long?  As long as i'm responsible I have no guilt at wanting to live the life i have, albeit altered.  I'm not in a hurry, and i've been selective.  Also, i'm an adult and other peoples opinions on my romantic life doesn't affect how i live it.

i'm getting so much better at following my instincts and acknowledging red flags when they appear.  I only wish i had these skills years ago when i really needed them.  

Married men still put themselves forth as single, Single men still shop online for a new woman a day, and there are definitely predators aplenty on the dating sites.  BUT there are also normal red blooded men who are looking for the same thing I am.  It's a game of chance, and of being extremely honest in an environment where honesty is rare.

Someone i want to spend time with, and want to talk to.  Someone who challenges my thoughts, someone i respect, and feel safe with ---someone i can't wait to see.  That someone is worth waiting for.

2021 is a continuance of growth and acceptance.  It is a year for me to stop worrying about what happens next and just take it as it comes.  Nothing is carved in stone.  I'm a free agent - and that means anything can happen.

Happy New Year.  Make it a good one. xoxoxo