I think shutting my eyes and falling asleep next to a man is intimate.
There's literally no reason to sleep. Get up, go home. Live your life.
I honestly haven't enjoyed having a man i barely know spend the night with me just because we had sex. I had my eyes open, I was aware of every move..........sleeping with someone means your gaurd is down. Waking up to someone the next morning.......i can tell a lot about how i feel by those first few moments and the quality of sleep i had next to him.
That said.
Bill never spent the night here, but i spent the night at his house several times. The first, was because we had imbibed quite a bit of alcohol, so i wouldnt call it sleeping. Also, that man wasn't capable of having sex so......it was so i didn't drive drunk. Sorry. It's true.
Any other nights i spent there were immediately following us reuniting (as you recall, that happened quite a bit) The one night stay over and then back to business as usual. I really think he was sent to me so i could see just how much i HAD NOT learned about trying to be loved.
You can't make someone love you.
I tried that with Darryl. Over and over again. He loved my love. He did not love me in the way that a man wants to protect and nurture a woman he loves. Keep her safe from harm and hurt.......Many times he was the cause of my harm and hurt. And then it would be my fault
Which it was, because i wasn't strong enough or smart enough to walk away and be on my own......which i always was anyway, while being loyal to him. I just wanted him to love me back.
You can't make someone love you.
Carlos.........he told me straight off, the first time he invited me to his home "bring an overnight bag because you are staying" We would stay up all night. Watching movies, playing games, smoking, drinking, and having outstanding sex. He wanted it as much as i did. He just wasn't in love. And i was seeing him as the perfect man.
You can't make someone love you.
I did have the opportunity to ask him why years later.....he said I was fun, he liked me a lot, but he just didn't love me. It was that simple.
It's what i've been chasing my whole life and every time i think i don't need it, a man enters into the picture.
I knew Bill and i were a temporary thing because it was Bill. And i had gotten to the point that i no longer felt excited to see him, i didn't want to be at his gorgeous home, and i didn't want to do the things he wanted to do. I found more wrong with us than right........but i had to see it through to my bottom line.
When someone shows you they don't care about you, believe them.
You can't make someone love you.
No one can love you better than yourself.
Tom. He is good to me. It's only been two months. It's been a juggling act for him, working a new job second shift that he doesn't know if he wants to keep doing, or if he wants to keep that shift. He has wonky hours compared to the boys and I. And he is the one taking care of groceries and bills (he still pays in person) and household stuff. He is raising he sons, who are his priority.
All honorable. All respectable.
And yet, i realize this is the reason i don't date men with children still at home.
Last night we went out trick or treating with his youngest and his friend. We walked for miles and hours and had a blast. Then we brought the boys home and headed back to my place where he was to spend the night and we were going to spend the day together today.
But his youngest asked him what they were doing tomorrow. And i could tell he was conflicted. So i naturally said it was okay, we could all hang out.
I should't have made it so easy to break plans with me without an emergency.
Last night i felt him kiss my head, heard him walking around and then heard my door close. Then his camaro started up and he left. I lay there wondering if he had ever really planned on staying. I had the feeling he wouldn't make it through the night and i had mentioned it to him.
I felt tricked. Come home, have a snack, have sex, go to sleep and wake up alone. Normally this would sound absolutely lovely.
But it's Tom. And i have feelings. And i believe him that he does too.
His oldest texted him that he was at a party and needed a ride home. So he left. Nothing wrong with that. Except i felt some kind of way that made me feel like a selfish bitch.
He had to go get his son, and drive home a girl his son met, and bring his son home. It wasn't that they were intoxicated. The kid needed a ride.
That didn't and still doesn't sit right with me. But, i'm not the mother. This is what dating a man with kids is.
Today he will sleep in, because he was up most of the night. PERHAPS he will want to come see me tonight.
I'm not feeling it. I'm not here to fill your sex needs (which i also have) and then be pushed to the back burner. Thats what i felt like. Because he didn't come back. I'm sure he was tired. He didn't wake me and ask me to go with him, because i'm sure he was trying to be nice to me.......but all i feel is that he never intended to stay in the first place and he could have just told me that.
I keep asking him to stay the night, the boys aren't alone, and he doesn't have to go into work until late afternoon weekdays. But he hasn't.
Why.
Does he need to be home so his............roommate..........(here we go again) doesn't know he is out all night?
But why would he have me so involved with his boys?
I have hit my first mountain to climb with Tom. Everyone has a complicated life, but I do something about my complications when i know it's keeping me from living.
It's only been two months.