My apartment is very small. When my friends and family moved me in
September I had no room to walk. We
piled everything I had been dragging around with me since I was 16, along with
everything I felt I needed into this small, one-bedroom apartment.
I left a lot behind. I had cleared out so much before I had even
moved. More than once.
My first “cleanse” began when I
moved out of the small house I loved so much.
I threw a lot away, I left all the furniture and half the kitchen
items…I tried to be fair. And
realistic. Of course, I got fucked. He moved in with his new girl not a month
after I moved out and everything got thrown away with the acceptation of the
one thing I said I wanted, which migrated it’s way over to the new woman’s
home.
But it was okay. For a year I didn’t need anything, having all
the necessities and small luxuries provided by my best friend and her family as
I licked my wounds, healed my soul and learned what a NORMAL family lives like. I grew strong, I dated. A lot.
I was picky, to the point that my friends would tell me there is no such
thing as a perfect man. But, perfect for
me, I was sure of.
And then, I met him. Smiley, handsome, not cocky but sure of
himself. A manly man, who owned his own
home and had held his job for many years.
It went fast, the next thing I knew I was moving my “stuff” into his
attic.
That didn’t work out.
Side note: I have never dated a man who smoked a lot of
pot and had ANY ambition. All of them,
have only ever gone for the low hanging fruit (and yes, I realize I was a piece
of that fruit). All of them want the
world but will only go so far as the pot will allow them. Then they bitch and
complain about everything they don’t have but they are the only ones holding
themselves back. “I have to stop
smoking? Oh, noooo” Their whole world
revolves around it. And because of this,
their worlds are small and unsatisfying.
For many reasons I realized I
needed to be on my own. So again, I
weeded (no pun intended) out everything I hadn’t needed or thought about in the
past year of living at that house. I was
merciless and yet I still moved truck loads and truck loads of “stuff”…..this
time I was smart enough to bring the furniture I had purchased, although I left
a lot behind. (which I am still paying for incidentally)
Every year I don’t make a
resolution, but I try to improve myself somehow. This year is the year of getting rid of
anything that holds me back, or has control over me. So far, I’ve gotten coffee down to one cup a
day (occasionally two) and eventually it will be zero. My world will not end if I can’t have a
coffee. That is huge for me, who at one
time drank 6-8 cups a day.
Likewise, my stuff had control
over my space when I moved in. I had
nowhere for all of it. I kept going
through and getting rid of items, layer by layer. It’s not something that happens once and
done. It is a continuous participation
of purposeful living. It’s my first year
so I fall sometimes…….and then I get right back up.
Last night I was determined, in a
mood, pissed off about my debt paying for items someone else is using – (I am
grappling with the fact that my most recent ex has moved someone in less than
six months after I moved out. There is a
lesson there. ) and I started to go through drawers I had stuffed with
paperwork and mementos when I unpacked.
Old cards, notes, emails..pictures from a relationship that was dead and
buried over two years ago.
So I decided
that it was time to let it all go – to make space in my drawers, in my home, in
my mind and soul. I was ruthless. I all went to the shredder first thing this
morning.
Honestly, I feel a small sting of
regret. That I just destroyed years of
items that held meaning …but I remind myself that I have my memories, that I
don’t ever actually look at that stuff, that having it was a sense of holding
on to something that is gone. I’m making
room for what is next.
I will not allow things,
possessions, to hold power over me anymore.
This year, I simplify. I minimize.
I do not purchase, collect or add weight to my life with “stuff”. This year I have already made several passes
at the items I still have and each time I am able to find more that can be
given or thrown away.
It’s a movement. And it’s one I can stand behind because I’ve
felt the improvement in my life.
It’s the people in my life that
matter, and as I’m cleaning house I realize I need to do it at many
levels. Things will not hold space in my
physical life, and people who do not deserve it will not hold space in my
heart. I will have my experiences, learn
my lessons and move on with an open heart to new heights.
Ain’t nothing holding THIS woman back.
