Shred it, and begin again

My apartment is very small.  When my friends and family moved me in September I had no room to walk.  We piled everything I had been dragging around with me since I was 16, along with everything I felt I needed into this small, one-bedroom apartment. 

I left a lot behind.  I had cleared out so much before I had even moved.  More than once.

My first “cleanse” began when I moved out of the small house I loved so much.  I threw a lot away, I left all the furniture and half the kitchen items…I tried to be fair.  And realistic.  Of course, I got fucked.  He moved in with his new girl not a month after I moved out and everything got thrown away with the acceptation of the one thing I said I wanted, which migrated it’s way over to the new woman’s home.

But it was okay.  For a year I didn’t need anything, having all the necessities and small luxuries provided by my best friend and her family as I licked my wounds, healed my soul and learned what a NORMAL family lives like.  I grew strong, I dated.  A lot.  I was picky, to the point that my friends would tell me there is no such thing as a perfect man.  But, perfect for me, I was sure of.

And then, I met him.  Smiley, handsome, not cocky but sure of himself.  A manly man, who owned his own home and had held his job for many years.  It went fast, the next thing I knew I was moving my “stuff” into his attic. 

That didn’t work out.

Side note:  I have never dated a man who smoked a lot of pot and had ANY ambition.  All of them, have only ever gone for the low hanging fruit (and yes, I realize I was a piece of that fruit).  All of them want the world but will only go so far as the pot will allow them. Then they bitch and complain about everything they don’t have but they are the only ones holding themselves back.  “I have to stop smoking? Oh, noooo”  Their whole world revolves around it.  And because of this, their worlds are small and unsatisfying.

For many reasons I realized I needed to be on my own.  So again, I weeded (no pun intended) out everything I hadn’t needed or thought about in the past year of living at that house.  I was merciless and yet I still moved truck loads and truck loads of “stuff”…..this time I was smart enough to bring the furniture I had purchased, although I left a lot behind. (which I am still paying for incidentally)

Every year I don’t make a resolution, but I try to improve myself somehow.  This year is the year of getting rid of anything that holds me back, or has control over me.  So far, I’ve gotten coffee down to one cup a day (occasionally two) and eventually it will be zero.  My world will not end if I can’t have a coffee.  That is huge for me, who at one time drank 6-8 cups a day.

Likewise, my stuff had control over my space when I moved in.  I had nowhere for all of it.  I kept going through and getting rid of items, layer by layer.  It’s not something that happens once and done.  It is a continuous participation of purposeful living.  It’s my first year so I fall sometimes…….and then I get right back up.

Last night I was determined, in a mood, pissed off about my debt paying for items someone else is using – (I am grappling with the fact that my most recent ex has moved someone in less than six months after I moved out.  There is a lesson there. ) and I started to go through drawers I had stuffed with paperwork and mementos when I unpacked.  Old cards, notes, emails..pictures from a relationship that was dead and buried over two years ago. 

So I decided that it was time to let it all go – to make space in my drawers, in my home, in my mind and soul.  I was ruthless.  I all went to the shredder first thing this morning.  

Honestly, I feel a small sting of regret.  That I just destroyed years of items that held meaning …but I remind myself that I have my memories, that I don’t ever actually look at that stuff, that having it was a sense of holding on to something that is gone.  I’m making room for what is next.

I will not allow things, possessions, to hold power over me anymore.

This year, I simplify.  I minimize.  I do not purchase, collect or add weight to my life with “stuff”.  This year I have already made several passes at the items I still have and each time I am able to find more that can be given or thrown away.

It’s a movement.  And it’s one I can stand behind because I’ve felt the improvement in my life.

It’s the people in my life that matter, and as I’m cleaning house I realize I need to do it at many levels.  Things will not hold space in my physical life, and people who do not deserve it will not hold space in my heart.  I will have my experiences, learn my lessons and move on with an open heart to new heights. 

Ain’t nothing holding THIS woman back.