Really adulting now

Seems like people are always suggesting that i go to therapy.

This can be taken in several ways- 

one, stop bothering me with your stupid, repetitive bullshit and go pay someone to listen

two, i really think your problems are severe and i'm not willing to be responsible for advising you to go jump off a bridge and end your pitiful existence.. or

three, maybe therapy will help you.  Give that a shot.

I like to handle things myself, after all, i'm quite good at analyzing every word and action of people around me, including myself.  I'm just not so good at putting those results into expected or appropriate actions.  In other words, i know.  I know.  I know.  And yet, i continue to willfully make myself miserable.

She's a place of comfort, misery.  I know her so well. 

HOWEVER, i did make a promise to myself that THIS year would be all about me, my goals, my needs, desires, wants........All there is, is me.  

I will buy my first ever roof, that is mine in name and debt - I will get my pistol permit (to protect myself under said roof if needed) and I will "try new things"...like, taking art classes, dancing, being active (didn't say i had to love it) and generally loving myself, and raising my standards for myself. A big one for me is making myself reach out to family and friends and actually SEE THEM more regularly.  I think of people i love every day, and yet I stop there.  I must make more effort to assure that they are aware of how important they are to me, even as i hide from the world restoring my energy by staring at a blank wall........and loving the peace of it.

I've fallen a few times over the past month, been triggered into going full out stalker and spending hours trying to find information on "her" and "him"....all the while kicking myself in the ass and screaming WTF are you DOING??  aside from obtaining a whole lot of worthless information that in the end means absolutely nothing to my life.  I thought it would make me feel better to know.......and it didn't.  It just wasted that time.  

I'm still kicking and screaming like a small spoiled child "its not fair".........but really it is.  I deserve so much better than what i was involved in.  My head knows this even if my heart is slow to learn.  It wasn't just giving him up though............as the months went on I realized that I also needed to step back from friendships that used to be very close.  I didn't want to admit that to myself, that anyone i considered close would no longer play a big part in my life, yet that is exactly what needed to happen.

I torture myself enough without having anyone stir that misery pot but giving me information about him, or her or therm or what they do.  I also didn't need to hear that "she seems nice" from someone that was supposed to have my best interest in mind.  I've been replaced.  Probably more so out of convenience than anything else.  It's just easier that way for some.  I tried not to put anyone in the situation where they felt a need to pick sides, and yet people do it anyways for their own reasons.  

Accepting this is hard, but healthy.  And that is my focus right now - keeping healthy.  Even if i feel like slapping the shit out of people.  

The whole joining websites to find someone to date......thats been put on hold indefinitely as well.  I know I was looking for another relationship to jump into because thats where i am comfortable.  A friend of mine has suggested repeatedly that I should not date and i think he's right.  My daughter flat out told me this weekend "no dating".  She said i don't even know myself or what i want in a man and it's scary for me to admit she is right.  It's not time for men, it's time for me.  Thats where i need to be most comfortable.  

Therapy, here i come.  

is that surprising?

When someone i respect acts shocked over something i say, or do - it always makes an impression on me.  So much so that i start to think they might not know me very well, or as well as i thought....but then, i always have to take into consideration the context of the relationship.

For instance - today i threw Anthony Bourdain's image into my collage during art class.  He seemed to fit, even though i noticed that my inclination was to get graphic and xx rated immediately after his face was glued onto my project......I controlled the urge.  Keep it PG MB, you work here after all.

So the Professor (also someone i would consider a friend who knows me at least a LITTLE) strolls by and gulps out "REALLY?".......which has me looking around for what the hell just happened to make him choke out loud.  

"Bourdain?"  says he.

 "yeaaaaah" says I.

"I don't understand what women see in him" says he.

 "Well...........for starters,HOT" says I, causing him to practically run across the room away from me with a look of disgust.

"He's such an asshole" says he.

"I don't know him personally, but I wouldn't mind" I say, wiggling my eyebrows and making my co-eds  laugh.  

I kinda bet he wouldn't give me an ear if he fell in love with me.  More like, a really great dinner.  He can cook for me ANY DAMN time he wants.  If i get to watch, all the better.  And i will clean up.  With no bitching.

Men who cook light me up.  A man who knows food, knows women.

I just got off track again.  ehem. excuse me.  ~fans self~

The point.  ah!  What kind of man does my Professor/Friend THINK i would go for?  Is Bourdain such a surprise?  I wonder what he would think if i told him that I STILL lust after Mickey Rourke even though his face is ......well, not so good anymore.

I've been known to have erotic dreams about Billy Crystal (City Slicker Billy Crystal, When Harry Met Sally Billy Crystal, not present life Billy Crystal)  Hey, i didn't ask for him, he just showed up.  And a mighty fine showing up he did.

His reaction got me to wondering what kind of man my friends would picture me with, or not find surprising.  Or what kind of man i might be surprised to picture myself with.

A while back i started a list of requirements that i will not budge on - articulate is one i'm going to add.  I thought it was a given but now i'm not so sure everyone would agree.  So here it is -

He must be articulate.  He does not have to be a reader, but he must respect that I am - and leave me the hell alone without attitude when I am lost in my world.  And if he should happen to be a writer, that is icing on my cake.  A good writer?  Chocolate Icing.

Is that surprising??

I did it twice

For months now i keep looking and saying "i have to find my fitbit".  Smart ass put it in a place where i wouldn't lose it and then i moved.  To date, i've been able to find anything i was looking for within moments, including a birth certificate.  BUT, my fitbit is still missing in action.

Last night Cathy talked me into taking water aerobics.  Now, i'm not passing judgement, i'm the LAST person to pass judgement HOWEVER.......all i can think about is white haired (ehem) old ladies standing around in a pool waving beach balls.  I know, this is unfair.  And because i'm now signed up, i will soon find out if it is accurate.  I purchased a bathing suit.  My friend Tracy will be delighted since now i won't be scavenging hers when i go to her house.  Ugh.  The humiliation.

Because we (Cathy and I) were discussing the perplexing problem of eating correctly yet not losing weight (i eat correctly when i feel like it, which is MY problem) we were discussing the need to actually sweat.  You know. Move.  A lot.  I did this before simply by walking but that was a lot of years ago so i'm thinking it won't be so simple this time.  So aerobics in the pool, walking, and dancing will be the compromise.

Yes, i want to be in shape, no i don't want to bore the shit out of myself.  And it's hard to read while in a pool or walking or dancing.......and i don't get enough time to do THAT.  Excuses.  Valid, but still an excuse.  So today I purchased ANOTHER fitbit.

You don't think i'm doing this shit and not getting credit, do you?

Even now it feels like my fault

This morning i was scrolling through my phone and an article popped up that grabbed me by the throat and squeezed.  Hard.

/anxiety-disorders-typically-caused-by-exposure-to-narcissistic-abuse


Understand that i take great pride in the fact that I left a 20 year relationship with the father of my children, my ex-husband, due to his drug abuse and what i truly feel were mental health issues.  Why pride?  Because I had been with him since i was 14 years old, and he was literally my only family aside from my children. (Thats another story)  It wasn't easy, it was very difficult and it was absolutely necessary.  I have no regrets about ending that relationship.

And i truly thought i had moved on.  Grown up, became wiser.  Reality is that i went right back into the same kind of relationship on the opposite end of the spectrum.  I believed that because THIS relationship was the complete opposite of my marriage that IT was healthy.  What i wanted.  What i needed.

From the beginning it was filled with turmoil.  We never had the same understanding of the same exact situation.  I was always wrong, he would tell me that i "couldn't live a minute without him".....not in the way that i would perish, but that he felt it was all i ever wanted, was to be with him 24/7 and i stifled him.

This, he said to me, the introvert who hides with books to be alone.  This, he said to the woman who can happily not leave her home for an entire weekend and not speak to anyone during that time.  But HIM, i needed to have 24/7.  So he said.  So i accepted, even though i knew he was completely wrong and had he actually KNOWN me, would never had said something so ridiculous.  Would a healthy woman had walked, no run, away?  Probably.

When he was confronted with behavior no healthy self assured woman would accept from her partner, I was threatened - "i'm about to break shit up", "i'm going to destroy this entire house" - instant and atomic anger that was never appropriate to the situation, or in speaking to anyone period. So i would let it go.  I got tired of fighting.  Even though he constantly accused me of loving to fight - which, incidentally is something my ex-husband used to say SO i would immediately back down.  I feared he was right.  I must love to fight.

He lied to me about little nobody cares situations, and he lied to me about relationship changing situations.  He lied.  A lot.  And got caught.  His reaction would be anger, violent and self righteous.  He would always turn it on me, how i was insecure, had no life, had no friends.  Why didn't i go out and do this or that?  He always turned it away from himself.

I can honestly say that in the almost 15 years we were together i was not once secure in knowing i was the only one, that we were together and that was that.  He always had me on an edge of insecurity.  He liked me there.  He liked me off balance.  He must have.  One of his ex-girlfriends told me that she thought he and I had an "open relationship"..........It was.  I was in one, he was not.

He would keep me away from most of his female "friends", lie to me, lie to them - I can only imagine what he told them about me.  He went out of his way to make me feel insecure about his ex-girlfriend that he worked with, and then would become furious with me for having a reaction.  He never fostered relationships between me and his females.  He didn't want us to become friends, to know each other, even casually.  That made me feel unworthy, instead of telling him to fuck off I let my self esteem go down the toilet.  I took it.

I look at the one he's with now, the one "no-one knows", and i think how convenient that must have been for him.  And how he runs around telling people about how fucked up she is, yet he is with her....I have to wonder, IS she fucked up?  But not in the way he says, more like in the way I WAS.  Can she ever get anything right?  I couldn't.  Years into our relationship he was still telling me i was "clinging" to him at parties and yet, the NIGHT BEFORE we broke up we were at a friends house at a fire and he told me that I "didn't even look at him", or "touch him".......WTF.  I was always damned either way.  I could never get it right, because that's how he kept me spinning.  I see it now.

Because of course i was.  I still am in a way.  I still dream about him, think about him, miss him - even though my brain screams at me that this breakup was the absolute best thing that could have happened to me. I know this in the core of my being but that damage, it's not going away over night.

The last time we went to Vermont we ended up leaving because WE hadn't planned on staying and i did not bring my ANXIETY medication.  He was so pissed he drove us home on a +100mph (literally) hell ride while i sat silent and shaking in the passenger seat hoping not to die that night.  Not a word was spoken between us.  I could feel the waves of his anger beating against me.  His hatred.  Because we couldn't stay the night in VT?  The next morning he told me I could never go back because his friends all hated me now and thought there was something wrong with me.  He said that to me.  And i allowed it.

That's not the last of that ONE situation.  He had gotten pulled over for speeding and ticketed, also my fault.  He wanted ME to pay the ticket.  He was serious, and mad that i wouldn't.  And I still stayed.

Every day i feel better, get stronger.  Every day i hear my friends voices, see their faces, feel their love.  I feel their relief.  I no longer feel their pity, or confusion or disappointment over my tolerance of his treatment.  But the only reason is because HE left ME.  I would have never left him.  And that is the part that rocks me to the core.  That is the reality i live with every time i meet a man i think i'd like to date..........is he the same?  Will he abuse my trust and affection?  Can i trust him?  Am i good enough?

The Joy of Internet Dating

How does one meet single men outside of work, (still a no no for me) and class (slightly immoral considering age differences).  One (This one) creates a profile on a dating website and gets bombarded with "hi" "how are you" "you are pretty" from men who do not in any way match what I said I am looking for in my "application".  Once in a while, I am able to find a man who fits the criteria, as basic as it is, and who's profile appears to be looking for.......well, me.

I actually LOOK at what these men are writing in their profiles, and READ what they say they are searching for in a woman.  I was not aware that many men don't bother reading women's profiles and go on looks alone.........which brings me to my first "WTF".

FIRST WTF - I post several recent pictures with comments below explaining and DATEs that show what kind of activities i enjoy and that I actually smile and laugh quite a bit.   My pictures are recent, they are OF ME and they show what i look like.  No surprises- here I am, all of me.

SECOND WTF - I took the time to write out what i'm about, and what i'm looking for.  I used complete sentences and many open ended opportunities for discussion.  Why is every conversation the SAME with DIFFERENT men?  Do they follow the same questionnaire?  Do they think one worded statements makes a conversation?  Especially when HE contacted ME?  Every once in a while, I get an actual individual who takes time and actually writes TO ME after reading my profile and seeing that it matches his interests.......

THIRD WTF - Having a great conversation through the website turns into the exchanging of phone numbers which normally begins a text dialogue until someone suggests speaking on the phone.  Side note, Pictures do matter to me- the ability to complete sentences matters to me, and voice timber matters to me........also, smell but I'm getting ahead of myself.  These conversations usually go into more depth because at this point i have been asked to go out.  It's worth the investment with the idea that I am getting to know this man i am interested in and who appears to be interested in me.  A lot of times the more i talk with someone the less interested in am.  I'm sure it's a two way street.  We find there is no real vibe and it kind of just drops away.  No long explanation, no excuses, it just fades naturally due to a lack of interest.  This is part of the experience and it is extremely common.    However, once in a while i begin talking with someone who i cannot get enough of, everything he says makes me want to know more and he seems to be having the same trip with me.  In the end its all about the communication, the mental connection.  Then the day of the date comes.

FOURTH WTF - I've been on uncomfortable dates.  I know, he knows, everyone around us knows- this is not a match.  My rule is that i will go for drinks or coffee on the first meet.  I feel like this cuts down the pressure of having to sit for hours with someone out of courtesy.  A drink can be 15 minutes or several hours.  I have not yet had a 15 minute drink, because even when i realize it's not a romantic match, at least the guy is friendly and we've already determined we can TALK to each other.  So it's a nice time. IF there is a connection, you know that feeling, I consider this the time to lay the groundwork, the foundation. If  there is a wife or girlfriend in the picture, it's a great time to mention it to me and still have me think you are okay, if not relationship material.    YET, men have been ingratiating, flirtatious and downright touchy with me knowing full well that they have someone waiting at home.  These are the real assholes of internet dating.  And there are a lot.  Then there are the ones that click, the ones that just fit - like you've known each other forever.  These guys are really nice and easy to talk with but that fire isn't there.  That tension.  I've been on those dates too and again, not a waste of time.    ONCE in a GREAT while I meet someone who makes me feel like I want them in my head, and in my body.  Sorry to be abrupt about it, but that is the feeling in its rawness.    I know hot men i'd like to play with, but I am that woman who needs your mind first - and so......that limits me in my already limited way.  

Very recently i met a man that I spent a lot of time talking with, and we went on our first date which I felt was as close to perfect as anyone can get on a first date.  And that leads me to -

FINAL WTF - He texted me after the date, said he had a great time, would i like to go out again? I said yes and that was the last i heard from him.  We went from 100mph to zero overnight.  And no, i did not sleep with him. He didn't even give me a goodnight kiss after walking me to my car, and i took it for shyness.

It's okay to change your mind, everyone does, sometimes for the smallest of reasons.  I have.  But I let that person know out of common courtesy so they were not left hanging in the wind.  I've heard of this happening to other women too and it's the absolute worst part of internet dating.  The drudgery of weeding through all kinds of men looking for the one that may be for you, the meets that determine there is no connection, that is to be expected.  But when you DO make a connection with someone and they just disappear - That really sucks.  It makes you lose your footing and question yourself.

But life goes on and there's more to it than dating.  I'm not on a mission but i'm aware and my eyes are open.  I'd like to be in a happy relationship and share my life with a man.  I don't "need" a man, however, as uncool as it is to say, i do in fact want one.  Not just any one.  My one.  And maybe that is a fantasy, maybe 80's movies really did screw me up.  But i'm willing to wait rather than settle.

Next time call your girlfriend

Thursday sucked balls.  But because of it, i earned mine.  My balls that is.

Everyone who cares for me has expressed their concern over my continual contact with him.  One friend put it like this, "It will only bring you more heartache and drama." and he was absolutely correct.  

I spent a whole day last week involved in his personal hell, that he brought upon himself that only he can fix.  It had nothing to do with me.  However, I became involved. Why? because i'm the idiot that still loves him - okay, loves what i thought he was. Okay.  LOVED what i thought he was.

I had to make a tough choice, and i did what i thought was right.  I knew he would be angry, probably never speak to me again and I still did what i knew had to be done.  Because of this choice a lot of information hit me that I was unprepared for.  The betrayal i felt was exactly what i needed to finally cut my ties with him.  

I've heard so many different versions of his story since we broke up but now i know for fact that she was around long before we parted ways.  Her and whoever else.  He actively and purposely deceived me, used me and treated me as the fool i was.  

Even after a day of hell I sat crying on the phone to my friend, "why can't i block him out of my life? Why can't i do it?" and he told me "because you think you are going to fix him.  There is a part of you that wants to be back with him. You are leaving the door open"

And five minutes later I blocked him out of my phone, my social media and my life.  Now i have to block him from my thoughts.  I believe that will happen a lot faster now.  Because maybe my friend was right.  Maybe EVEN with everything that has been said and done I was still waiting for him to come to his senses.

But here's what really saved me from my self.  I realized it was never about me in the first place.  It was always about him.  His life is exactly what he put into it.  And so is mine.

Love thyself

Knowing what i want in a man doesn't make it any easier finding him.

If anything, it makes it more difficult.  I cant just meet someone and then let him know i'm into him, give him my number, ask him to call - or say it would be good to hear from him.  Or, as in my last relationship, be the one to reach out and say "holy shit i'm into you"........

Because being the one that pursues has never ended well for me.  I never considered myself "chasing", as i've always made the initial "i'm interested" move and then backed off.  I don't call him, he calls me.  I don't ask him out, he asks me.  But back then the whole idea of dating - as in being asked to do a certain thing at a certain time, had turned into just spending time together with no real plan.

i short changed myself, in so many ways, by wearing my heart on my sleeve- by being nice, by thinking of him (them), by letting them know i was thinking of them.  It's fun to randomly find something you know they'd like and pick it up for them.  That's me, thats what i do.  I wanted to make HIM smile because that makes me feel good.

Fuck that noise.

I felt myself slipping back into old patterns- and i'm correcting that quick.  Know who i have to worry about smiling?  Me.  I need to make myself smile.  By doing things i like to do, either by myself or with people.  I need to randomly make myself happy, not someone else.  They haven't earned that with me yet. Maybe never will.

I won't know unless a man is the kind of man i want, and steps up and makes his feeling known.  I will not chase you to buy your problems.  I will not become impatient and carry your end for you. Want to spend time with me? Ask me out.  Want to speak with me?  Call me.  Want me to not see other people?  Tell me.  Because otherwise, i'm not worried about what you want or how you feel about me.

I want a man who knows what he wants, and knows how to treat a good woman. This time, i'm not just giving myself away to someone who doesn't know what he's getting.

I'm fine by myself, more than fine. It's peaceful, i don't have to worry about what someone else wants or thinks or needs, and there is no drama.  None.  I take care of myself more than i ever did in a relationship. Because i'm not waiting for someone else to love me.  I am loving me.