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Love thyself

Knowing what i want in a man doesn't make it any easier finding him.

If anything, it makes it more difficult.  I cant just meet someone and then let him know i'm into him, give him my number, ask him to call - or say it would be good to hear from him.  Or, as in my last relationship, be the one to reach out and say "holy shit i'm into you"........

Because being the one that pursues has never ended well for me.  I never considered myself "chasing", as i've always made the initial "i'm interested" move and then backed off.  I don't call him, he calls me.  I don't ask him out, he asks me.  But back then the whole idea of dating - as in being asked to do a certain thing at a certain time, had turned into just spending time together with no real plan.

i short changed myself, in so many ways, by wearing my heart on my sleeve- by being nice, by thinking of him (them), by letting them know i was thinking of them.  It's fun to randomly find something you know they'd like and pick it up for them.  That's me, thats what i do.  I wanted to make HIM smile because that makes me feel good.

Fuck that noise.

I felt myself slipping back into old patterns- and i'm correcting that quick.  Know who i have to worry about smiling?  Me.  I need to make myself smile.  By doing things i like to do, either by myself or with people.  I need to randomly make myself happy, not someone else.  They haven't earned that with me yet. Maybe never will.

I won't know unless a man is the kind of man i want, and steps up and makes his feeling known.  I will not chase you to buy your problems.  I will not become impatient and carry your end for you. Want to spend time with me? Ask me out.  Want to speak with me?  Call me.  Want me to not see other people?  Tell me.  Because otherwise, i'm not worried about what you want or how you feel about me.

I want a man who knows what he wants, and knows how to treat a good woman. This time, i'm not just giving myself away to someone who doesn't know what he's getting.

I'm fine by myself, more than fine. It's peaceful, i don't have to worry about what someone else wants or thinks or needs, and there is no drama.  None.  I take care of myself more than i ever did in a relationship. Because i'm not waiting for someone else to love me.  I am loving me.

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