This morning i was scrolling through my phone and an article popped up that grabbed me by the throat and squeezed. Hard.
/anxiety-disorders-typically-caused-by-exposure-to-narcissistic-abuse
Understand that i take great pride in the fact that I left a 20 year relationship with the father of my children, my ex-husband, due to his drug abuse and what i truly feel were mental health issues. Why pride? Because I had been with him since i was 14 years old, and he was literally my only family aside from my children. (Thats another story) It wasn't easy, it was very difficult and it was absolutely necessary. I have no regrets about ending that relationship.
And i truly thought i had moved on. Grown up, became wiser. Reality is that i went right back into the same kind of relationship on the opposite end of the spectrum. I believed that because THIS relationship was the complete opposite of my marriage that IT was healthy. What i wanted. What i needed.
From the beginning it was filled with turmoil. We never had the same understanding of the same exact situation. I was always wrong, he would tell me that i "couldn't live a minute without him".....not in the way that i would perish, but that he felt it was all i ever wanted, was to be with him 24/7 and i stifled him.
This, he said to me, the introvert who hides with books to be alone. This, he said to the woman who can happily not leave her home for an entire weekend and not speak to anyone during that time. But HIM, i needed to have 24/7. So he said. So i accepted, even though i knew he was completely wrong and had he actually KNOWN me, would never had said something so ridiculous. Would a healthy woman had walked, no run, away? Probably.
When he was confronted with behavior no healthy self assured woman would accept from her partner, I was threatened - "i'm about to break shit up", "i'm going to destroy this entire house" - instant and atomic anger that was never appropriate to the situation, or in speaking to anyone period. So i would let it go. I got tired of fighting. Even though he constantly accused me of loving to fight - which, incidentally is something my ex-husband used to say SO i would immediately back down. I feared he was right. I must love to fight.
He lied to me about little nobody cares situations, and he lied to me about relationship changing situations. He lied. A lot. And got caught. His reaction would be anger, violent and self righteous. He would always turn it on me, how i was insecure, had no life, had no friends. Why didn't i go out and do this or that? He always turned it away from himself.
I can honestly say that in the almost 15 years we were together i was not once secure in knowing i was the only one, that we were together and that was that. He always had me on an edge of insecurity. He liked me there. He liked me off balance. He must have. One of his ex-girlfriends told me that she thought he and I had an "open relationship"..........It was. I was in one, he was not.
He would keep me away from most of his female "friends", lie to me, lie to them - I can only imagine what he told them about me. He went out of his way to make me feel insecure about his ex-girlfriend that he worked with, and then would become furious with me for having a reaction. He never fostered relationships between me and his females. He didn't want us to become friends, to know each other, even casually. That made me feel unworthy, instead of telling him to fuck off I let my self esteem go down the toilet. I took it.
I look at the one he's with now, the one "no-one knows", and i think how convenient that must have been for him. And how he runs around telling people about how fucked up she is, yet he is with her....I have to wonder, IS she fucked up? But not in the way he says, more like in the way I WAS. Can she ever get anything right? I couldn't. Years into our relationship he was still telling me i was "clinging" to him at parties and yet, the NIGHT BEFORE we broke up we were at a friends house at a fire and he told me that I "didn't even look at him", or "touch him".......WTF. I was always damned either way. I could never get it right, because that's how he kept me spinning. I see it now.
Because of course i was. I still am in a way. I still dream about him, think about him, miss him - even though my brain screams at me that this breakup was the absolute best thing that could have happened to me. I know this in the core of my being but that damage, it's not going away over night.
The last time we went to Vermont we ended up leaving because WE hadn't planned on staying and i did not bring my ANXIETY medication. He was so pissed he drove us home on a +100mph (literally) hell ride while i sat silent and shaking in the passenger seat hoping not to die that night. Not a word was spoken between us. I could feel the waves of his anger beating against me. His hatred. Because we couldn't stay the night in VT? The next morning he told me I could never go back because his friends all hated me now and thought there was something wrong with me. He said that to me. And i allowed it.
That's not the last of that ONE situation. He had gotten pulled over for speeding and ticketed, also my fault. He wanted ME to pay the ticket. He was serious, and mad that i wouldn't. And I still stayed.
Every day i feel better, get stronger. Every day i hear my friends voices, see their faces, feel their love. I feel their relief. I no longer feel their pity, or confusion or disappointment over my tolerance of his treatment. But the only reason is because HE left ME. I would have never left him. And that is the part that rocks me to the core. That is the reality i live with every time i meet a man i think i'd like to date..........is he the same? Will he abuse my trust and affection? Can i trust him? Am i good enough?
/anxiety-disorders-typically-caused-by-exposure-to-narcissistic-abuse
Understand that i take great pride in the fact that I left a 20 year relationship with the father of my children, my ex-husband, due to his drug abuse and what i truly feel were mental health issues. Why pride? Because I had been with him since i was 14 years old, and he was literally my only family aside from my children. (Thats another story) It wasn't easy, it was very difficult and it was absolutely necessary. I have no regrets about ending that relationship.
And i truly thought i had moved on. Grown up, became wiser. Reality is that i went right back into the same kind of relationship on the opposite end of the spectrum. I believed that because THIS relationship was the complete opposite of my marriage that IT was healthy. What i wanted. What i needed.
From the beginning it was filled with turmoil. We never had the same understanding of the same exact situation. I was always wrong, he would tell me that i "couldn't live a minute without him".....not in the way that i would perish, but that he felt it was all i ever wanted, was to be with him 24/7 and i stifled him.
This, he said to me, the introvert who hides with books to be alone. This, he said to the woman who can happily not leave her home for an entire weekend and not speak to anyone during that time. But HIM, i needed to have 24/7. So he said. So i accepted, even though i knew he was completely wrong and had he actually KNOWN me, would never had said something so ridiculous. Would a healthy woman had walked, no run, away? Probably.
When he was confronted with behavior no healthy self assured woman would accept from her partner, I was threatened - "i'm about to break shit up", "i'm going to destroy this entire house" - instant and atomic anger that was never appropriate to the situation, or in speaking to anyone period. So i would let it go. I got tired of fighting. Even though he constantly accused me of loving to fight - which, incidentally is something my ex-husband used to say SO i would immediately back down. I feared he was right. I must love to fight.
He lied to me about little nobody cares situations, and he lied to me about relationship changing situations. He lied. A lot. And got caught. His reaction would be anger, violent and self righteous. He would always turn it on me, how i was insecure, had no life, had no friends. Why didn't i go out and do this or that? He always turned it away from himself.
I can honestly say that in the almost 15 years we were together i was not once secure in knowing i was the only one, that we were together and that was that. He always had me on an edge of insecurity. He liked me there. He liked me off balance. He must have. One of his ex-girlfriends told me that she thought he and I had an "open relationship"..........It was. I was in one, he was not.
He would keep me away from most of his female "friends", lie to me, lie to them - I can only imagine what he told them about me. He went out of his way to make me feel insecure about his ex-girlfriend that he worked with, and then would become furious with me for having a reaction. He never fostered relationships between me and his females. He didn't want us to become friends, to know each other, even casually. That made me feel unworthy, instead of telling him to fuck off I let my self esteem go down the toilet. I took it.
I look at the one he's with now, the one "no-one knows", and i think how convenient that must have been for him. And how he runs around telling people about how fucked up she is, yet he is with her....I have to wonder, IS she fucked up? But not in the way he says, more like in the way I WAS. Can she ever get anything right? I couldn't. Years into our relationship he was still telling me i was "clinging" to him at parties and yet, the NIGHT BEFORE we broke up we were at a friends house at a fire and he told me that I "didn't even look at him", or "touch him".......WTF. I was always damned either way. I could never get it right, because that's how he kept me spinning. I see it now.
Because of course i was. I still am in a way. I still dream about him, think about him, miss him - even though my brain screams at me that this breakup was the absolute best thing that could have happened to me. I know this in the core of my being but that damage, it's not going away over night.
The last time we went to Vermont we ended up leaving because WE hadn't planned on staying and i did not bring my ANXIETY medication. He was so pissed he drove us home on a +100mph (literally) hell ride while i sat silent and shaking in the passenger seat hoping not to die that night. Not a word was spoken between us. I could feel the waves of his anger beating against me. His hatred. Because we couldn't stay the night in VT? The next morning he told me I could never go back because his friends all hated me now and thought there was something wrong with me. He said that to me. And i allowed it.
That's not the last of that ONE situation. He had gotten pulled over for speeding and ticketed, also my fault. He wanted ME to pay the ticket. He was serious, and mad that i wouldn't. And I still stayed.
Every day i feel better, get stronger. Every day i hear my friends voices, see their faces, feel their love. I feel their relief. I no longer feel their pity, or confusion or disappointment over my tolerance of his treatment. But the only reason is because HE left ME. I would have never left him. And that is the part that rocks me to the core. That is the reality i live with every time i meet a man i think i'd like to date..........is he the same? Will he abuse my trust and affection? Can i trust him? Am i good enough?
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