I danced.

 This past Saturday night i revisited what it felt like to be the zero fucks ME.  

I had talked myself out of going out that night.  I dragged my ass around the house and thought of every reason to text my girlfriend an excuse about why i wasn't going out. I had many valid reasons.  Putting on real clothes, trying to make myself attractive, going somewhere i've never been all by myself to walk up to a man i've been talking to, but haven't ever met face to face.  

Okay, Mb.  Just put on your sassy pants and go do it.  Nothing to lose, everything to gain.  

But PJs.  

No.  

On my way I get a text from my gf, she's running late.  When i get to the venue I ask her "how late" and she says about 1/2 an hour. She's picking up our other 2 girlfriends.

Do i sit out here in the car for half an hour like a baby when his gig starts in half hour, or do i go inside by myself (getting used to that) and find him, say hello and see what happens next.

Fuck it.  I go inside.  The bar is, of course, at the very rear of the building so i make a beeline for it to put a drink in my hand before i find him.  The band is set up before the bar and I see him, looking at his phone.  I walk over and ask him if the band is any good because i'll go get my cover charge back if not.

And we take off.  I try not to stare, but i'm counting the piercings on his face - looking at the tattoos on his hands and neck....he has a FULL head of hair, long.  And he is a big guy.  I feel small.  I'm taking him in, cracking jokes, and someone comes over to talk to him.  He says hang on one sec, and i say i'm hitting the bar and ask if he wants anything.  He doesn't drink.  (I knew this) I walk away and when I return, beer in hand, they are still there talking.  So i keep going... I walk around, check out the place.  See someone I know and say hello for few minutes.  I see him, seeing me.

I like that.

As i take another tour he catches me and says, "come with me".......and we go around behind the band into the "green" room.  (I think to myself, i'm 57 and FINALLY going backstage haha)  He doesn't want to be interrupted, he wants to tell me about his relationship status (As he said he would) in person.

And he does.

I'm attracted to this man.  And i get the distinct feeling he is attracted to me.  BUT....He is not what i consider to be available.  And i don't play in other women's backyards, so.......while i want to jump this mans bones, i immediately put him into the friend category.  I'm not a one and done.  I'm not a side peice, or "entertainment'.  I am glad he talked to me about it.  I'm not responsible for his relationship, HOWEVER, you get what you deserve.

I deserve my own relationship, that i don't have to share.  With or without knowledge of it.  I've had my life blown apart by that behavior, and i've engaged in all kinds of relationships since that time- to try and understand, why am i not enough?

I was asking the wrong question.  Yes, i could have just made it clear i was up for a good time, just have an experience and enjoy it.  Don't be so thinky about everything.  But thats not who i am. 

My friends arrived, and it was time for the band to go on.  I danced, i sang (so much and loud that my voice was gone the next day) I talked to probably everybody and laughed my ass off.  I had SUCH a good time.  My body hurts still from all the dancing it's not used to.  And the whole time i was very aware of him.

And him me.

okay, and the ladies i was with.  Cuz, they are fire.

He came to sit next to me at our table at each break, until he had to go on again.  At the end of the night he asked me for a hug when we were all getting ready to leave.  My gf, who is a fireball, jumped on him and wanted a group hug.  This is so much her that i thought it was hysterical.  He went along with it for a second (really, what guy wouldn't???) and then i got my full on frontal embrace...

Jesus.

I understand how it happens, but no fucking way am i ever going to be that woman.

I won't stop talking to him.  If what he says is real, then maybe he will be available eventually and we can take it from there if we are both single and interested.

Jesus.

I can't hold contempt for what my ex did to me and then consider doing the same. I can understand what it feels like to meet someone you wish you were single for.  

Shrug.

It's the difference between having self worth, and not. 

I didn't always.  I chased my value in other peoples opinions of me, and to extent i still measure my worth on outside measures. But i could never base my happiness (which would be temporary) in someone elses tears.

It was fun to flirt and dance and sing and be with my friends and go home alone and still feel good about myself.  I made a new friend.  I reinforced my enjoyment of live music in small venues. 

 And i went inside a bar by myself to meet a boy in a band....:)