Halloween again

 I love the fall.  Fall is my favorite and October is STILL my favorite.  

One of my favorite memories is tangled up in a breakup.  

October 29th, 2016  He and I went to see our friends Steph and Tom at their home, Quiddity.  They were having a few friends over and a fire by the stream.  It was a perfect fall evening.  For once, we didn't fight before we got somewhere- so we arrived together in a good mood.

I was happy and content.  I had no idea the storm that would destroy my world as i knew it was only a day away.  

As we stood by the fire, talking, smoking, drinking beers - Tom told the story of the graves in their woods.  I was ......fascinated.......and then, I had to go find them.  So, the ladies (there were four of us that night) left the men to their fire and took off over the bridge and into the woods.  

And I mean woods. Leaves were up to our knees. There must have been at least a little moonlight, but I think we had flashlights. That's not clear to me. Being in the middle of the woods, unable to see the ground, but smelling the leaves and hearing their sounds along with our giggling and Steph's directions, was divine.

I find God in nature. When i think back I wonder if something, or someone was reaching out to me- If fate is determined and God knows everything, maybe he gave me that night to hang on to.  

I felt an overwhelming need to just stand still and listen.  Be alone.  Just be.  But the ladies wouldn't leave me alone.  I think they thought i'd break my damn neck.  Or forever be lost in the woods.  HA. 

Later I wrote a post on Facebook "Took a walk in the woods last night to visit and honor two graves.  Hard to explain how "peaceful and poetic" the place really is.

I was quoting Tom, who had a way with words.  

Me writing about it does the night no justice.

Now, when I reminisce I choose to remember this magical night because magic is exactly what it was.

Today I came to work dressed up for the Black Crowes concert tonight.  I am pushing the envelope, however it IS Halloween.  I left the scarves, hat and stuff in the car.  I'll save that for later.

committed

 I have done a good job of forcing myself to write almost daily.  I'm writing into thin air, but the point is......I'm doing it.

I'm exercising my freedom and brain, documenting random thoughts, experiences and concerns.

Because I can.  I hope I still can years from now.

The election is less than a week away and I've been trying to avoid listening to the news.  It's the same shit every day and tells me nothing I need to know.

I'm voting early on Friday to avoid the mess on Tuesday, plus I get sworn in to the Elks that night.  Kind of cool since the order is so patriotic.  

Here is what I'm chewing on at the moment.  I have always been an independent voter not wanting to commit to either party and to be more concerned with the people running.  I was forced into selecting a party when I was joining a public board years ago.  I chose Democrats because they aligned more closely with my belief in helping people who cannot help themselves.  

I go back and forth, believing everyone should vote because people have died so we have that privilege and thinking my one vote doesn't matter so why bother?  

This time I'm confused at the last minute because I feel like I've been influenced by the media and I remember the days when news used to be unbiased.  It no longer is.  It is entertainment and control.  We are fed what they want us to eat.  But who is they?

I wouldn't have voted for Biden.  I wouldn't have voted for Trump.  When Harris stepped in to the democrats role I thought I could stand behind her.  And maybe I will?  I think I'm one of many Americans that wants to do what is best for this country and has literally no idea who either candidate really is.

I have always been disgusted by Trump for all the reasons seen in the media that I don't need to repeat. The media forces it down our throats lest we ever forget.  I can't stand him as a person.  He is vile.  I am concerned that our children cannot quote him word for word without getting into trouble.  I'm concerned about a LOT where he is concerned.  Womens rights, which shouldn't even be a question at this point are at the top of my list.

He wants the states to decide.  But this is ONE country and the abortion issue affects women specifically.  

There is supposed to be a division of church and state and yet.......we all know there isn't one.  Imagine if churches were made to pay taxes?  If they have a voice in politics, which they do, they need to pay up.  Immigration is close to my heart and I know there is so much that I don't know.  I do not have the answers.  All I know is that everybody deserves the right to food, shelter, medical care and the chance to do better, no matter where they were born.  

I think the rich are the problem because they control everything.  That is starting to implode but not fast enough.  Trump is one of the rich. supposedly.  He didn't get paid for being president.  Big deal.  He didn't pay FOR anything either.  The rest of us are worried about the price of eggs.  He has a gold toilet.  Think about that.

Okay- Harris has been in office and hasn't done anything.  She is a great talker and knows exactly what NOT to say.  But constantly reminding us what a jerk Trump is does not tell me who SHE is.

I feel manipulated.  I feel like a child.  I feel like it's all bullshit is another way of saying "I don't feel like I matter".

My grandfather has been on my mind.  He was a World War II vet.  He was deeply interested in politics.  I watched Watergate with him in the "Florida room" as a small child.  I learned more in that room on that television with my grandfather commenting than I have anywhere else.  He hated Nixon.  However, he also hated Kennedy and that wasn't a popular opinion.   And my grandfather was 100% Irish straight off the boat.  He was an avid reader of anything having to do with World War I and II - the politics of it.  I thought his book collection was horribly boring.  I wish I could talk to him now about this election.  

His voice has been in my head this week.  I watched Joe Rogans podcast on Youtube where he interviewed Trump and I have to say, it has made me question everything I have thought previously.  Has the media spun him to be a villain?  He seemed sane, a business man not a politician.  I don't agree with everything but other things make so much sense.  WTF am I actually considering TRUMP?

I don't want to be led by the nose, incited by drama - and lets be honest, a lot of his supporters are downright redneck scary. 

If you had asked me who I will vote for last month I would have told you Harris.  Today, at this moment, I do not know.  But Fridy- I will have to make a choice.

always uncomfortable

I've been talking with someone i dated over 6 years ago after my "breakup"....when I just started dating and had no idea what I was in for.  When I thought because you were dating someone you were only dating that person.  I had a lot to learn.

I had gone from marrying my high school sweetheart, being with him a total of 20 years, to a year of chaos where I went on probably hundreds of coffee dates and ended up with a man that was the exact opposite of my ex husband for 13 years.  We then broke up when he found someone younger (he was younger than me I should say) and basically devastated my self esteem which was already not good.

And that's when I met Mr. Clinton who was very acclimated to being single and dating.

We dated a few months and then I cut ties.

He let me.

However, he has always been there in the background - reaching out with random texts, following my social media accounts, making comments - - trying to get back in touch.  I have ignored him.  Like I do. 

A few years ago we were both at an event and when I saw him I avoided him.  He ended up at my table saying hello, not letting me get away with it.  I'm not rude.  So we had a little chat, he asked me out again, I declined again......

And yet, he continued to periodically reach out even with no response from me.

Recently, I've been questioning myself and how I move with men.  My close friends tell me I go full steam ahead for a guy that didn't want me, yet I throw other men out of my life at the drop of a dime.

Of course, they don't know the details of why I broke up with the limited amount of men I've dated more than a few times.  I've only had 2 men anyone can remotely call "boyfriends" and neither lasted beyond 6 months before I could no longer stand to be around them.

One thought he was Mr. Badass motorcycle dude, who thought throwing money around was impressive, and dong so even though he had none.  I was love bombed from the start with him nearly drowning me in flowers and gifts ...what is so wrong with that you may ask?  I had told him to stop bringing me his dead wife's belongings.  Thats what.  I said I didn't need gifts and I didn't think she would appreciate it.  He ignored it.  He ignored anything that wasn't his way.  And then.........one day he almost ran someone in a cross walk down because he didn't want to wait.

I wasn't afraid of him.  I maybe should have been, considering none of his ex's were alive.  

No I'm not kidding.

I broke up with him, he seemed to take it well but then two weeks later lost his mind.  I guess he thought i'd come crawling back.  He was wrong.  I don't need a badass in my life.  Thanks.

THEN there was the other one who said he lived with his elderly aunt and uncle because they needed his help.  He threw a literal temper tantrum in my parking lot when I told him he had to go out and clear his car of snow because we had to move our cars so they could plow.  I also suggested he leave instead of hanging around and waiting because I was sure he had to go shovel out his aunt and uncle.  He was pissed because he had to get off MY couch and go clear his car off.  He was double pissed I "told him to leave" and THEN he told me he didn't want to go home because then he WOULD have to shovel his family out.

What?

Fuck off.

Another peter pan that thinks the world owes him something and he can just be a big kid and someone else will always take care of him.  

Both these men, incidentally, had no money yet smoked copious amounts of expensive weed.

Correlation?   Possible.

Back to Mr. Clinton.  He reached out again while I was in the midst of reviewing my friends comments.  I answered him.  We talked.  He asked me out again.  This time I said yes.

I have no idea if this is a good idea or not but last night I told him we shouldn't go out because I am happy being single and I'm not trying to use anyone.  I tried to back out of the date and he didn't just let it go.  

I said "We can go out.  I just want you to know where my head is at" and he responded "I get it. And I'm interested in you enough to hopefully change your mind.  I'm really interested in you.  Look how long I've chased you."

Years.  And my IMMEDIATE thought was me and how many others.

Is that fucked up?

Am I that jaded women or do I just know how many men operate in the dating game.

Am I that damaged?  Or smart?

Anyways.  He didn't just say "ok" when I tried to cancel the date.  And I don't feel like I'm misleading him when I told him the truth.  I'm not sure I want to do this.  With him.  Or anyone.

At least I know him and am fairly sure he won't hurt me in the "stranger danger" way.

My girl Steph has invited me out to a concert this week The Black Crows.  I can't wait to see her, and them.  Our first "Date" was a concert.  I knew her husband better than her because I had spent time at the warehouse hanging around with him, and my ex bf.  I had only met her a few times and she reached out and asked me if i'd like to go to a concert?  We saw "Heart" and began our friendship that night.  She is someone I love dearly, and yet rarely see.  

I need to see my friends more often.  I'm just so bad at reaching out.  I suck. 

It's me. I'm the mess.

 My home was meticulous on Friday night. I had multitasked all day between work and picking up/cleaning.  I had my headphones in, calls forwarded, and a stack of travel authorizations to tackle and I managed to do it all - along with laundry, dishes, floors, dusting, and bathroom.  I was a freakin machine an by the time friday night rolled around I was ready to relax and enjoy the fruits of my labor.

So I made dinner.

Then I pulled out a project I've been working on.

Flicked through the channels and found something to keep me company.

decided to have a snack

Went looking for a piece of another project

decided to re-arrange a bookcase

Opened up the clothing packages that had arrived earlier in the day

Decided to try on a few outfits

Went to bed with a book and a cup of tea....no meds

slept like shit.  As in, did not sleep.

Woke up and realized my home was an absolute mess again.  

WTF

Can't blame the kids.

Can't blame the man.

The animals will take their appropriate blame.......i did not attack the plant spreading dirt all over the dining room, nor did I cough up hairballs in the living room.  I did not spread my kibble all over the kitchen floor.  So any floor mess......that's not mine.  I feel better.

I make coffee and start picking up after the storm I apparently created while in my head last night. 

Maybe there is such a thing as too much alone time?

This morning I realized with all the picking up, cleaning and organizing I did over the past 3 days......i successfully made another mess to wake up to.  

It's a repetitive cycle.  And I throw a lot of stuff away.  I buy less than 1/8 of what I used to buy.  I repurpose just about everything.  And yet, STUFF multiplies itself overnight.

My latest project is to add boot charms/chains to my combat boots. (examples below)  I have been collecting and tearing apart outdated jewelry for years now.  I don't throw it away.............i take it apart and throw it into a huge tin for "future projects".  I have collected inspiration photos on pinterst but non of them are exactly what I want.  So I will create it myself with said huge unorganized tin of torn apart beads and chains and pendents.....

but FIRST I must organize the tin.

Because what if I miss something that has been waiting to be added to my boots?

Did I make my boots last night?

No.

But I organized the shit out of that tin. 

Is it possible that I have ADHD?  I seriously wonder.  

Tonight I will go home, clean up after the animals and then make a mess making dinner.  Then I will want to sit down and relax.  I will scroll scroll scroll until I play my switch for a bit and then feel like going to bed to read.

In between I will talk to my bestie for at least an hour.  I will text with this weeks man who supposedly wants to meet me but has not asked me out for a date yet.  (He will then be swiftly cut off after 2 weeks of luke warm conversation)  I no longer get involved, or overinvest in bullshit conversation with males who all turn out to be the same story with the same ending.

I cannot WAIT to start getting involved at the lodge.  

I had this really great idea for a blog, had it outlined in my head, and didn't write it down.  So I forgot what the hell the idea was.

Very possibly ADHD.  Or I'm getting senile. 

Patriotic?

 I get initiated into the Elks Club on Tuesday, November 5th.  

Election Day.

I will be voting before that.  I have zero desire to stand in long lines which I hope will not exist now that we can vote early.  But I'm still doing it early.

My boss just came back from doing it and I asked him about it.  I didn't even know I COULD vote early.  

I already know I'm going in to work late on Wednesday because I WILL be staying awake for as long as it takes to know what kind of shitshow will be performing on Wednesday, November 6th.

To join the Elks you have to believe in God (whatever that is to you) and be patriotic.  I had to really think about both of these requirements before I joined.  I'm not going to say I'm something I'm not.  Ever.  

Do I believe in God?  Yes, but not the organized and bastardized versions.  Not the patriarch's God.  Not the God of materialism and war.  I've always deeply understood what I DID NOT believe God is.  I've thought a lot about God in general.  Usually when I'm suffering, or when I feel like life isn't fair or"if there was a God, how could "he" allow this" moments. Or when I'm frightened, just like all the other foxhole believers.  In other words, when I need to believe.  

That counts.  

Am I patriotic?  yes.  I love my country.  I respect anyone who has ever served it.  I respect the rights and freedoms that I have today are due to those who served.  Those who lost their lives of course but also those who COULD have just by serving.  It upsets me when our vets won't take credit because they didn't die.  They COULD have.  And they knew it going in.  

Our politicians..........I have no use for.  All of them are clowns in a circus that the monkeys appear to be running.... Throwing shit at everything hoping it will stick and when it doesn't, blaming everyone but themselves.  This current election will have violent outcomes regardless of who wins.  The world has changed.  This country has changed.

And we tend to repeat our mistakes without learning from them. 

We really are just toddlers still, in the big picture of the worlds history.  Maybe that's why I picture our presidential candidates in diapers crying.  They only want whats good for  them.  Not us.  Make no mistake.

So yes, I can honestly say that I believe in God and I am patriotic.  It's not a lie.  It's not a cookie-cutter version either.  I don't talk about religion or politics unless I know someone very well and respect their thoughts.  Otherwise I feel like both should be kept private.  I'm only writing this now because of the coincidence of joining a club that requires both on election day of all days.

A sign. 

impressed

 so there are men that talk to only one woman at a time.  Wow.

This group of 50+ singles is a little crazy.  No one has to ask first before sending a private message so no one really knows who is talking to who.  Unless someone makes it very obvious which is generally the women.  The men are expert at discreet in the room.  Women will start flowering his comments with hearts and making "us" statements.

It's kind of fun to watch.  I'd never do that.  I like privacy.  ROFL which is why everything goes here.  well, not everything.  But enough to remind me.

I'm not competitive, certainly not for a partner.  I'm mortified over those Bachelor shows.  Gross.  

Yesterday I bantered with a gentleman who I have in the past considered to be a bit much.  His memes are very adult yet I laugh my ass off.  He said something to me in the room and I replied with a private message.  Then I buried the "sent you a message" in a conversation.

He responded - said he was going golfing would message upon return.

wow.

Then he DID respond and said he was talking with someone and wanted to see where it went before talking to someone else.  He thought that was the right way to do things.  I replied "absolutely" with a smile face.

Not a long convo but impressive.

Nice to know some men still believe in getting to know one woman at a time.  The "rules" now are date everyone until someone comes out better than the rest.  I hate that rule.  I have no time to get to know many men at one time, nor do I want to try and remember who told me what.  

I'm not 20.  But now I understand what the little black book was for.  A roster.  Duh, MB.  I don't want a roster.  I want someone who wants to get to know me and then, even knowing me, thinks I'm the best for him.  I don't want to be compared to others.  

Currently learning SQL.  It's not as boring as I thought it might be.  I like to just know things, or be able to associate them with something so I can remember.  This isn't that kind of learning, but I am still enjoying it.  And it will be useful.

I watch so many videos and follow so many van lifers .......It can  be very expensive to live van life.  But I've already decided I'm not going to try and stuff an entire house into a van in size miniature.  That seems stupid.  I need a comfy place to sleep, and a non smelly potty situation for when there is no other option.  I will also need a hotplate, or something to make coffee that serves multiple purposes.  Lighting. Privacy.  a place to be able to sit comfortably and work if the weather is bad and I cant sit outside. a place for clothing (which will be minimal) and limited amount of food.  I will probably shop every few days considering I will be on the move.  I will have a "garage" of sorts under my bed that will be accessed both from the outside and inside.  It will have my "outside" stuff including a tent that attaches to the vehicle for longer stays if I'm at a campground.  Which I fully intend to do. 

Where do you shower though?  At a gym.  At a truckstop.  

I have to figure out gun laws and how to get medication refills.  It's funny but half my doctor appointments now are remote so......And there are clinics and hospitals everywhere.  I'm pretty low maintenance on the medication side of things.

I'm going to do this.  I'm looking forward to retiring SO I can do this.  I would do it now if I didn't have animals that I need to keep cool and warm during extreme weather when I'm at work.  I'm seriously getting excited about hitting the road and just going, and staying or not staying as long as I want.  I can't wait to meet people all over the country and see all the things I've never seen.  And I will have my home with me.

Would it be nice to do it with someone?  maybe.  But then, I'd have to consider and compromise with another person.  And maybe I don't want to do that.  Lets just say, single looks like the best way to do this.  However, nothing is set in stone and if I meet someone and he wants to travel inexpensively and live a life of the wind.....i won't not consider it.

Feeling myself

 I hopped on the ozempic train a bit back and all it did was keep me from continuing to gain weight....which is good, but I wanted to lose weight.  It's been coming off verrrrry slowly.  At least I'm going in the correct direction.  It does make me feel nauseous ....and I have learned to eat dinner as soon as I get home or else I will be up shortly after bed getting sick.

Digestion is slowed down so you are supposed to feel full longer.  I was always hungry before I started taking ozempic.  Always looking for my next snack.  The empty pit feeling seems to have started after menopause. I don't have that anymore and sometimes I have to remind myself to eat - usually because I feel like crap and it occurs to me I haven't eaten.

During the week is fine because I'm routine with work.  Its the weekends. By the time I realize I haven't eaten I feel like crap and I start eating anything just to get rid of that feeling.  Not a good plan.

And if I drink it hits me like a hurricane.  Instant tipsy.  If my digestion is slower shouldn't that be the opposite?  I am a very cheap date.

This morning I slipped into a pencil skirt and felt myself.  Yeah baby.  I fill it out nicely but not TOOOO much.  No panty lines, no stretching the pattern into distortion over my backside.  I feel pretty good about it.  I've noticed my shoes are bigger which is weird.  

I refuse to get on the scale.  I feel like every time I do it pisses me off.  I'd rather feel good in my clothes and hopefully start having to buy smaller sizes.

After going out with the girls last week and seeing one at half her size (she wasn't big to start with) I feel like I should be getting there faster.  At the same time, I want this to stick.  I know maintenance on the drug will go on for as long as my insurance pays for it.....but I'm starting to feel less pain in my body and fit my clothes more comfortably.

So I'm getting there.

Because i needed that

 Friday i worked in my pj's after rolling out of bed 5 minutes before I was due to sign in.  I got my coffee, sat at my desk and plowed through what was there to do.  I like to put the morning news on Fridays, and flip through the channels while I'm making my to-do list for the day and the next week.

This Friday I did not put the TV on.  I think I will leave it off until this time next month after all the dust has settled and the world we will be living is has been determined.

The full moon on Thursday was supposed to be a big deal to a couple of signs, Capricorn being one of them.  Big changes and breakthroughs apparently.  I feel like my horoscope is always saying that and in reality, that is just life.  for everyone.  

HOWEVER, I've been contemplating removing myself from social media. I do a lot of scrolling when I could be reading, or going out.  I feel like I pay a lot of money for a phone and internet to spend all this time in a shitshow. I've backed off of listening to true crime podcasts while falling asleep a while ago.  I think it was changing my brain.  We should be mortified by this kind of information, not finding it something to lull us to sleep.

I need more control over what is being filtered through my thoughts.  Social media is a cesspool. I get FOMO, feeling of missing out, but on what exactly?  What famous person has died?  What violence is occurring all over the world?  Politics? I think I need to feel more horrified and less careless when seeing something that is horrifying.

Or is this me doing my hibernate thing again?  It's hard to tell.  I withdraw from the world when I'm overstimulated and lately I'm all over the place in my thoughts and feelings.

I like the dating group I'm in.  I don't want to lose touch with something that gives me giggles and makes me feel like less of a pariah. Most times.  Some of those men make me very grateful to be single.  But Tiktok, Instagram....the mindless scrolling....and my stupid postings......that needs to come to an end.

The show was good on Saturday night and it was the only time I left my house for 3 days.  I ordered uber eats instead of going grocery shopping which was not a good choice, but it was the only one I could stomach.  I found something out about myself.  My type has changed.

I was crazy attracted to on of the (probably very married) performers.  It was two Italian men, my age, doing a comedy show on growing up Italian. I grew up in my best friends "downstairs" kitchen and I laughed my ass off.  They were in "character" for most of the show, but when he came out in a t-shirt and jeans I almost fell out of my chair.  Holy Sh*t.  Him as himself?  Smoking hot.  and bald.  with fucking tattoos.  

Here's the thing.  It wasn't just his appearance.  Its who he is, extremely Italian and old school. That traditional masculine male.  Not the toxic wifebeater type many women associate with traditional.  I'm talking about the man that loves his family, takes the head of it and makes sure his family is taken care of.  The kind of guy that makes a woman feel like a woman.  He wasn't wearing skinny jeans, or sneakers....he did have a necklace on but it was the only jewelry (I checked for a wedding band and didn't see one)  They did pictures after the show and I bolted.  Didn't want to get anywhere near him because i'd make an asshole out of myself.  They travel all over the world, I'm pretty sure a white haired round old lady isn't going to rock his boat.

And I wouldn't have minded rocking that boat.........So basically I'm into that Italian old school vibe that I grew up around.  The funny thing is my bestie always warns me about how controlling and hot tempered these men can be.  I'm not controllable, and I have a hot temper too......at this age, I don't see that being a problem.  I see it as a comfort.  We've all grown up.  Hormones and proving ourselves should be done.  

I'm looking forward to committing myself to volunteer.  It will literally force me to participate in society when I'm not working.  I can't allow myself to withdraw any further.  I might not come back out again.

When you express your opinion

 I may have mentioned in a previous blog that i am a member of a facebook group called "are we dating the same man?"  People have different reactions to groups like this.  My reason for being a member is because i occasionally go out on dates.  I usually do a brief google search to make sure the gentleman is who he says he is.  I don't go into depth.  I just need to know he's real.  This group allows women to post about  men they have had difficulty with, or have been scared by.  OR the big one is asking "any tea?" when someone is dating a guy and wants to know who else is dating him.

This site has caught married men, abusive men, cheaters, scammers (one was on the news for stealing lots of money from women) etc.  It's the internets answer to making it JUST as easy to find out who is lying to you as it is to cheat.  

I'm old school.  I don't allow other people to make my decisions, however, when more than 10 women are describing horrible experiences with one man......i am going to skip that man.  However anyone feels about it, this site will be used by the user, to fit whatever that users need is.  I have seen men i've dated pop up with situations described that are  not surprising.  I have a friend i "dated" a long while back, we still stay in contact, he was shared.  There were tons of comments about what a great guy he is, but don't expect anything long term.  Spot on.  Women are basically TALKING to each other about men in common they have dated.  

And that pisses off a lot of men.

I also belong to an "over 50 and dating" group on facebook.  I love it.  People from all over the country chime in with dating stories, questions, funny memes.....Its supposed to be a dating site but no one lives close to me that i would be interested in dating, and it's like that for a lot of us.  But we talk to each other, pick on each other, and support each other.  Men and women alike.  It's been a very positive experience and the administrators that run it are very much involved.  No politics allowed.

I've made "friends" with several people in the group and may eventually meet them in person.  I've done it before.  

Yesterday i posted about said "are we dating the same man" in the "over 50 and dating" group.  Asking if there was a male version of this group?  Kind of joking but really asking.  It brought out the worst in men. Some HATE this idea of women talking about  "men" i.e. possibly them, without their knowing or controlling the information being shared.  Boo. Hoo.  And they were very explicit in how they felt about women who participate in this.  Some women accused women who use the group as "scorned" and "vindictive"......yet, have never actually been IN the group to know what happens there.  

I don't want to get into a big defensive of the group, either group, because there is always someone who has a problem with something.  To me, it's informative however, i have the ability to use my cognitive skills and determine if one woman is slamming an ex, or if a guy is really a potential problem.  I find that men with anger issues, or a lack of respect for others, particularly women.......they usually call themselves out pretty quickly.

Here is what I woke up to this morning:

 "Stop being bitter on a single site as nobody wants part of that negativity and crap you are spilling, which is probably why you're singe and I'm sure you probably always will be.  I don't have any problem dating, but definitely not some liberal whiny bitter "woman" (for lack of words I can't use on here) that thinks she's a private investigator and has to research everybody and i hope every guy sees who you are and run very far as nobody wants someone that creates drama"

First, if you are going to try an insult me, check "you" grammar.  It makes more of an impact. 

Second, this is exactly the type of man i am trying to avoid.  

Third, wouldn't be surprised if he is worried he may be showcased on a site like this in his region.  So much anger directed at a woman he doesn't know?  Looks like fear to me. 

Fourth, I don't talk politics (no one does or is allowed to in the singles group) yet, it is very obvious to me he thinks any woman who dares "talk back" or look out for her best interest is a liberal. 

Fifth, the day i shut up you can throw the dirt on my casket. 

My response to him:

"Some of us operate in society politely and others don't. Not everybody is out to spread hate and anger because of a difference of opinion.  If your words are supposed to hurt me, you have failed. Thanks for calling yourself out."

And then he blocked me.

There may be a God.

Facebook drama.  who cares.  However, this is how people are communicating now and i have no doubt that he feels justified in attempting to belittle a woman who thinks differently and isn't willing to get down in the dirt to prove her point.  

ANYWAY-  Last night our goats name was Charlie and he was young and full of piss and vinegar.  I can't imagine doing yoga around him, but they also do Yoga and Goats...I will pass on that.  We went out to eat after and it was like 2 years hadn't passed since the last time we had seen each other.  I love these ladies.  If i have to be single for the rest of my life, but i get to keep all my family and friends......so be it.  I will live a happy and full life.  Because if the men out there for the picking are even remotely like the one that went off on me yesterday?  Hard Pass.  

Books on my desk at work

The Bullet Journal Method ~ Ryder Carroll

Assholes a Theory ~ Aaron James

Meditations ~ Marcus Aurelius

Badass Habits ~ Jen Sincero

Surrounded by Idots ~ Thomas Erikson

Project Management ~ Chris Croft

HTML & CSS ~ Jon Duckett

and in my work bag:

A bullet journal

a novel   Lessons in Chemistry ~ Bonnie Garmus

Bluetooth head phones

"incidentals" bag

Wallet

Lipstain

Cell phone

Water cup 

I don't have a lunch bag today because I didn't eat yesterday's breakfast—yogurt with granola—for lunch today.

leaving early so I can go home, get changed into jeans and layers, with sneakers.  Going on a Full moon goat walk with a couple of girlfriends...."the band",  as in "the band is back together"......

After cavorting with the goats and hopefully not falling on my face into poop....we are going out for dinner and drinks.

Then I will go home, shower, get into PJ's........play my Animal Crossing game on switch so I can get those daily points......then crawl into bed with my Miyagi and crash out.  Hopefully.

Am I a basic bitch or what?

Not a damn thing

 Home, clean, eat, sleep, work, home, clean, eat, sleetp work.  Thats what i do.  

Tomorrow night I'm going on a moonlight walk with goats.

It wasn't my idea.  But hell, how often does someone invite you to something like that?  I'm getting together with my QU ladies who I became friends with while there.  I have stayed in periodic contact with the two because they are much better at it than I am.  I'm pretty excited to see them.  I can't wait to hear about one's shenanigans and the others achievements.  These ladies are special to me.  I need to make more of an effort to stay in contact.

THEN....Saturday I'm going to a dinner/comedy show.  I've invited my couple to attend and it will be the first time my bestie is meeting them.  I know the guys will get along - and I'm sure the girls will too.  I'm going to be the 5th wheel instead of the third.  yay me.  

So that's TWO things I'm doing this week because I have committed to it previously.  And I am looking forward to seeing everyone.

BUT if I had my way..............i'd be home in my pj's staring at the wall until it was late enough for me to take my meds and go to bed.

Just being honest.  

My initiation into the Elks is coming up quickly and I need to find something nice to wear.  Its formal, and there will be pictures.  I want to look nice, not like an old biddy.  I'll get my card, my packet with all the things I can volunteer for and hopefully that will keep me from hiding in my home all winter.  Commit to a cause and stick with it.  That's what the plan is.

I wanted to join the Lion's Club in Wolcott a couple years ago and they are one of the last chapters that do not allow women to become voting members.  They get that "women's group".  you know, the one that does a lot of work for the club but can't vote.  Laughable.  I used to love working the fair, and the reservoir race....just saw pictures posted recently and it brought back happy memories but then I got mad again.  The nerve.  There ARE in fact still clubs that do not allow women, yet DO allow them to work.  Too bad for you Lion's club....I chose to go where I can work for the club AND vote.  

And yes, I did tell them that in my interview.  

Maybe they are going to blackball me.  

I better shut up. 

HA!  Fat chance. 

Noooooooo

 I knew the heat was on this weekend because I was sweltering in my heat controlled apartment.  I shouldn't complain, because I'm never cold when I'm home........it's like a tropical island.  But the heat on inside means it's cold outside.  I'm not ready.

This morning I wore a coat into work.  There was frost, real frost that needed to DEfrost on my windshield and my car kept warning me about black ice on the road.

NOOOOOOO.

Granted, I spent that last two days inside hiding from the world trying to combat that dark spell I can feel creeping up on me.  On Saturday, I was sweating my ass off helping my friends move.  The world apparently got colder while I was recuperating.

It hasn't started and I'm over it.  Winter.  The good part is I am able to work remotely on snowy days now which I truly appreciate.  Having that ability will keep my anxiety over snow to a minimum and it will facilitate my need to hibernate during the upcoming holidays.

This time of year is not good for me.  While Fall is my favorite, Winter comes too fast behind it.  I'm prepared with lists of books to read, a stack ready to go, crafting projects and a desire to clean out my huge closet and get rid of a lot of "stuff"".  I'll be working on simplifying and downsizing.  Less stuff.  

Thats where I'm at.  I've been politely chatting with several men from my FB group.......all live over 2 hours away if not more.  What is the point?  I want to tell them they think I'm something I'm not. 

My self esteem is going into the shitter.

God I hate this time of year.

Let it go fast. 

Tonights the night

 I'm going to be interviewed by the Elks tonight, yahoo! They are serving my favorite, broccoli rabe and sausage, at their Thursday night dinner, so I'm going early for that first. Perhaps I'll have a drink; my last at "public" price.

This morning I tortured myself at the dentist with a periodontal cleaning and was told it's time to see a specialist.  a Periodontist.  Greeeeaaatttt.  I'm considering losing my teeth instead.  I am TERRIFIED of the dentist and take Ativan before I go for an appointment to keep me from crawling out of the chair.  This is probably not going to go well.  And lets talk about paying for it too.  Insult to injury is referring to the area of dentistry.  Don't get me wrong, I love my hygenist and I like my dentist okay.......both are very tolerant of my fears and placate me. As they should for the amount of money I spend there....

Yesterday was nice talk with Connecticut man.  He smokes cigarettes and drinks daily. That was the only part of our conversation that gave me pause.  I'm quite sure I talked too much.  Whatever.  I'll hear from him again or I won't.  

I'm thinking if I lose my teeth it will definitely set the stage for being single for the rest of my life.  I'm trying to determine whether that is a positive or negative thought. More to come.

This is something I saw this morning when I was scrolling and it fits my relationship with my ex FWB who is now a close friend.  And once you are my friend, there's no hankies pankies.  Anyway, I believe you can love someone of the opposite sex deeply and have them not be romantic, or even a huge part of your life.  This hit me as "us". 

Conflicted

 During the week I have work, self study, pets, and soon volunteer work........I'm busy, happy, fulfilled.  I'm lucky.  I have an actual life with goals to reach and look forward to.  I'm not done.  

On the weekends I do all the chores that keep me going during my busy week.  Housecleaning, laundry, shopping, food prep..etc.  And I like to binge watch TV if there's any time, or play Animal Crossing on my switch with my grandaughter on facetime..........

I have a happy, full life.  And I manage to have a social life with people I love.  I have no complaints.

And yet.

The missing link, a partner, keeps me ill at ease, like I don't really have that much time left to enjoy certain parts of life and I'm missing out.  But I refuse to spend time with a man I know is not the one.  That feels even worse than not having a partner.

I'm on facebook dating even though I keep forgetting to check it and when I do......I give these guys credit for trying but......are you kidding me?  Half aren't real, 1/4 are married and cheating and the others leave a lot to be desired.  Like teeth, a job, a home?  Someone will love them, everyone deserves it, but not me.  No fixer uppers.  "Been there, done that".....arrghh.

Even the thought of going out on a date makes me break out and gives me extreme anxiety and yet sometimes I do it.  Each time I tell myself I won't have to do this ever again if I don't want to.  And then I force myself because I want a partner.  I do.  It's that simple.  But I don't want just anyone.

It's been established through the years that the only men I attach to are men that don't want me.  My friends have pointed out that I am quick to dump "nice men".  I'm here to tell you that everyone is out for themselves and at this point I no longer believe there are NICE MEN.  

I want someone like me.  Someone who loves hard, ride or die - someone who likes to spend time together and apart, someone who wants to spend time with just me but also likes to spend time with our friends.  He should be social.  I should be able to bring him to a work function and not worry about it.  I should be able to go to a dive bar with him and not worry about it.  I want to feel safe.  I want HIM to feel safe. 

So I remain on facebook dating, and check it periodically even though all dating sites are crap, and full time jobs trying to weed through the garbage.  I don't have that kind of time or inclination.  I'm doing it as a "maybe someday I'll stumble upon him accidentally" strategy.

I'm in a group on facebook for singles over 50 from all over the country.  It's actually fun.  There's a lot of activity, conversation, and sometime people do meet.  There is one man in Connecticut who I thought wasn't interested in meeting because he is quite a distance, even though I'm in the center of the state.  Last night, being in a pissy mood ready to cleanse my palate and find a man......on a mission......to save my hurt feelings.........i checked my spam folder on facebook.  And there were a ton of messages from men in the group.  I needed that little lift last night.  But I never forget these are PEOPLE with FEELINGS and aren't alive for my entertainment.

So I answer the nice ones and delete the inappropriate ones...and there he is.

Another bald tattoo man, with a bike. Mr. Connecticut.  He thought I wasn't interested in him because I never responded.  We chatted easily. I did what I do, and checked out his page .......like what I see.  Very into family.  Wants to date, refuses to use dating apps.  Has quite a few miles on his bike which is his lifestyle..rides a LOT.  Not affiliated.  His daughter also rides, which I think is pretty cool.  He asked to talk with me tonight.  I like that.  I said yes.

What bothers me?  He fits the visual profile of trouble to me.  HOWEVER, we've interacted in this room quite a bit, joking around with each other and others.  I've seen how he interacts with others.  We've already established an online report in the room.  So I will relax and not set the alarm yet.

The Elks club will be good for me to meet people in a non dating environment as well.  

So I'm doing things I enjoy and if I meet a guy doing that, we'll have more in common than hormones and bullshit.  

Enough

 Leaving is not enough; you must

stay gone. Train your heart

like a dog. Change the locks

even on the house he’s never

visited. You lucky, lucky girl.

You have an apartment

just your size. A bathtub

full of tea. A heart the size

of Arizona, but not nearly

so arid. Don’t wish away

your cracked past, your crooked

toes; your problems

are papier mache puppets

you made or bought

because the vendor was so

compelling you just

had to have them. You had

to have him. And you did.

And now you pull down

the bridge between your houses.

You make him call before

he visits. You take a lover

for granted, you take

a lover who looks at you

like maybe you are magic. Make

the first bottle you consume

in this place a relic. Place it

on whatever altar you fashion

with a knife and five cranberries.

Don’t lose too much weight.

Stupid girls are always trying

to disappear as revenge. And you

are not stupid. You loved a man

with more hands than a parade

of beggars, and here you stand. Heart

like a four-poster bed. Heart like a canvas.

Heart leaking something so strong

they can smell it in the street.

Marty McConnell - Frida Kahlo to Marty McConnell.

Courtesy : Peaceful Acts

You asked for it, you got it

 This isn't a nice blog entry.  It's a me being a temper tantrum cry baby say all the things and then be done with it blog entry.

Remember how much i crave closure?  I got it.  Full in the face, totally unexpected, got it.

I reached out to Mr. Tattoo.  Because, frankly, I didn't expect him to respond - I was hoping he wouldn't forget me.  I'm being honest here, not mature. I missed him enough that I considered the fwb situation because dating SUCKS and I don't like any of these men. 

Surprise of surprises, he responds. Granted, in a tone he would use with an ex co-worker who is looking for a reference.....but a response.  So I do what I do, and ask how he has been.  I want to know.  I had this picture of him in my mind as being home alone, in pain, with his dog...getting high, watching TV and hating going to work.

letting him hold space in my head and thoughts because someday he might want to reach out to me.  HA. MB you are a dumbass. 

I'm such a juvenile with childish wishes and hopes. 

So we go back and forth a bit and he then tells me he is seeing somebody and he doesn't stray.

He said he was seeing somebody.

We parted ways because I asked if we were seeing each other and that question/thought made him cut me off.

So......it wasn't the seeing someone part that was distasteful to him.  It was the seeing ME part.

Yeah, that felt like a gut punch and yes, it made me have to find a private space at work to pull my act together.  Head spinning.  insides hurting.  poor baby me, had to swallow a hard truth.  

It would have been less upsetting if he had just SAID that to me months ago instead of cutting me off.  I don't want a relationship with YOU.  I don't feel anything for YOU.  Sex is good but not worth having to see YOU or talk to YOU.

I'm trying to scratch down to the core and figure out what I feel at the moment.  Am I mad?  sad? bitter? pissed? disappointed?  

No.  This feeling is regret.  I'm pretty used to the above feelings but this one......regret....i haven't had a lot of it in my life/ I didn't believe in wasting time with it.

For fucks sake I could have avoided thinking of him all these months if he had just had the BALLS to tell me I wasn't the one for him instead of "I don't want a relationship, been there, done that"

Fuck him for leaving out those two little words "with you". 

Fuck him for not having the balls to save my feelings and time because he didn't want to deal with having to tell me the truth.  Intstead he ghosted me like a pussy. 

Fuck him just because. (I know I swear a lot and you know what?  Fuck you too if you don't like it) 

I had stars in my eyes thinking he was something special and the reality is that he is just another game playing, out for himself, male with a sad story to blind empathetic women.  The classic trauma bond which excuses him from any shitty behavior because nothing compares to that pain. 

I'm a sucker with a soft heart and thick skin so this is the type of man I fall for.  I get so wrapped up in them and their pain that I accept less than I deserve and actually VALIDATE it.

It's safe to say he has been moved into a different space in my head.  Another player who knows exactly how to get what he wants regardless of what it does to another person.  The truth would have saved me a lot of thoughts going toward him.........but that's not what he wanted.  Men loved to be adored with no effort.

Okay, I'm mad too.

He isn't a bad man because he didn't want to have a relationship with me.  Just to be clear.  

He isn't a bad man at all.

He's just a basic man, no better or worse than any others I've come in contact with.

and that, is very sad to me.  But now I know it, and can stop putting him on a pedestal.  Shame on me. 

About last night

 Had a friend reach out to me last night.  I hear from him every once in a while, he's done favors for me and vise versa, known each other for years .....met in an interesting way, at a gathering of strangers.  We  connected in a way that has kept us in each others lives, regardless of whatever else is going on.

Both having "dark passengers"....we understand each other.  I considered a different lifestyle to be with him, but knew it wasn't for me regardless of how I felt for him.  So we stay in touch and our relationship has evolved over time.  Used to be incredible sex.  

I think that may be why he was reaching out last night, but he didn't drop it and I didn't pick it up.  The check ins from someone who I love and adore is enough for me.  Its rare to find people, men, like that.  Someone who can say and show you he loves you without needing to be your partner, without needing anything from you but that same feeling returned.  

No one understands our relationship, but a few are aware of it.  They know he was supposed to be my great love but not in this lifetime LOL.  Both of us too much alike, too stubborn, too alpha in our comfortable roles.  We can talk to each other about EVERYTHING with an open heart to what is best for the other person.  No controlling, no ownership, no sense of jealousy.....just the genuine wish for the others well being.

When I was going through "withdrawals" I'll call it, from the last guy to actually make me feel something- I cried to him.  He sat on my couch and let me blubber like a baby, throw a temper tantrum, feel the "whoa is me" moment.  He hugged me, rubbed my back and comforted me until........it was time for him to give me the talk.

My initial attraction to him was his........maleness, how comfortably he filled his space and held his own without being a jerk (to me).  He ...has high status in a 1% mc....(yes, the main reason I couldn't attach) so he's not someone who minces words.  He handed me my ass......gently.

Gave me his take on this man.  Actually made me a little angry because he defended HIM without hurting me.  Thats the long story short, without getting into details that aren't mine to share.

Okay.  So after my friend reached out last night and we went back and forth being fresh like we do- checking in for a pulse.....I started remembering how we used to be when we were still strangers.  That, fire, that.......craziness that we entertained ourselves with.  It was fun.  Then those thoughts led into the non-relationship I had with Mr. tattoo.  That.....was incredibly fun.  The best fun I've ever had.  Never thought i'd say that.  

I'm a lucky woman to have had some very talented lovers.  

So I sent him a message to remind him of what I was being reminded of.  Not to rekindle, just to remind.  "We" were never a "we".  I had hoped that just because we couldn't be partners we might turn into friends over time after me feeling as if I bared my literal soul in ecstasy to him.....but that doesn't happen with people who refuse to attach.  He very politely informed me he is seeing someone.  I served the purpose of what he needed from me and while it hurts to say it, that's all he needed me for.  So it wasn't a relationship he didn't want.  It was a relationship with ME.  Nice that I finally know.  Now I can just go fuck all the way off.

Not everyone is going to turn into a lifelong friend, not everyone is going to evolve with you.

He did raise my standards, that is for sure.  I won't open my body to another man until I know it at least MIGHT turn into my last great love.  I did think he was looking for the same thing as me, he did tell me he wasn't ...AFTER we slept together and he did his hoodoo voodoo on me.  Well played.  Maybe there's a part of me that hates him.  

That could be it, MB.  I'm too much for men that only want a little.  My friendship requires that you be my friend in return.  My friends don't dismiss me from their lives as if I never mattered beyond a fuck. So no more thinking of someone who doesn't even like me.

This weekend I helped my bestie pack for her move because they sold their house and haven't found another to buy yet.  I love her, but she drives me crazy sometimes.  I'd still die for her.

The best part of my weekend was being taken to brunch by my son and his wife.  We talked about all the fun things and not-so-fun things too.  I have missed him so much, and I love every minute when he makes time for me.  He towers over me, and I don't know where that came from because his father was my height.  My grandfather was very tall......he must have gotten it from him. 

So it's Monday, and it's back to work, home, work, home........and that's not a bad thing.  The weather is getting cooler, I have my family, my friends, and oh!  this week the Elks club too!  Soon I'll have volunteer work and making new friends to add to my list.  Life is good.  Life is what I make it.

fogetaboutit

 sometimes I'm an idiot and I need to be reminded. 

My impulses need to be controlled and I need to not reach out to people just because I'm thinking about them. especially if they've made it clear they want nothing to do with me. 

this is my little reminder. people don't change. stop having hope in hopeless situations. 

but then I wouldn't be me.

oh a good one!

 Yesterday I got myself into a pissy mood because I'm trying not to spend ANY money BUT all the books I want to read and have on hold at the library still have a really long wait list.  I looked on all my other apps and nope, not available anywhere. (and my list is LONG) So I have to buy a book or keep waiting.  Finally, it occurred to me that I have taken books out at work before. We have a small leisure selection.  So I trotted my desperate-to-read butt over to them and.......hit the jackpot.

The Silent Patient- Alex Michaelides (started this one first)

Lessons in Chemistry -Bonnie Garmus

Happy Place- Emily Henry

and I stopped looking after that because these three have been on my "want to read" list for EVER.

One can not understand how happy this made me.  Yes, I could browse for available books in the stacks of the public library, but I wanted to read THESE books. Yes, I have a kindle stacked with unread books....but not THESE books.  I'm so glad I didn't just buy a book like I usually give in and do.  However, I'm on a no- spend diet until all my credit cards are paid off.  

I just heard there is a toilet paper shortage again. People are jack-asses. Toilet paper is not imported.  I have an inexpensive bidet that I never installed but I'm doing it now.  The management company where I live just recently sent out a "do not install bidets" email......don't care.  This hiney needs to be shiny.  

.....I lied above. 

The reason I couldn't buy a book is because it would be "another" book.  I already bought the book "Trust" by Hernan Diaz in the morning.  It was the winner of the Pulitzer Prize for fiction and is considered one of the New York Times's 100 best books of the 21st century.  "A riveting story of class, capitalism, and greed" says Esquire.  That caught my attention.  Seems timely.  

Some people are addicted to drugs, alcohol, whatever....I'm addicted to buying books.  It's a problem because I don't always READ said books...but I intend to.  

Enough about my problems.

I'll have plenty of time to read because I'm shooting for Nun status this winter.  Everyone is running around partnering up, getting ready to settle in with "someone" until the weather gets warm again.  I'd rather be alone than settle for some guy that is probably going to annoy the living crap out of me.  I'm not easy.  I'm set in my ways.  The good part is I enjoy my own company, and....

I've got access to good books right down the hall from my office.  

Fuck yeah!  

Update: Nope, can't do it

 That lasted less than 24 hours.  I cannot date a man I'm not interested in, or have been switched off by.  I won't make a list because he is perfect for someone, just not me.  Too many "wtf's" have entered my thoughts speaking to him and here is the real reason--He's not adding anything to my life.  

That sounds bad.

Fuck it.  It's true. 

I feel obligated.  After my friends picked on me I felt like I should give it a shot.  But why?  They aren't living my life.  

I don't want to.  So I'm not going to.

Ah, I feel better.

Now I have to cancel plans and let him know.  That part is always yucky.  I never know if  true colors come out and they get nasty, or if they are a decent guy and appreciate the honesty.

Update:  he thinks it's because he didn't text me this morning...........i can't.  Maybe I'm crazy but I don't want to be fit into the box with all the bullshit people have been forced to participate in to show interest.  I  could care less if I get good morning texts, or good night texts.   That is such a low effort, hollow gesture to me.  Skip it. I'm so over this dating bullshit. 

And guess what?  Literally, nothing will change in my life.  That says it all to me. 

This not sleeping with men is turning out really well for me. Not that I slept with all or even most men I dated previously. I think my focus and their focus was on catching the carrot, doing the deed, getting busy ...because really that's all we need each other for when you still haven't determined if this is someone you want to commit to.

Committment. There's a big turn off word to many.  I think marriage comes to mind for most and in that case I am in COMPLETE agreement.  Everyone should try it once is my philosophy.  I learned that I wasn't in agreement with being legally responsible for someone else's actions and finances.  Just because you are in a relationship doesn't mean you are now one person, or have control over what someone else does

If I ever find love again, (it will basically need to land in my lap), I'll know the definition of commitment.  I only know what it's not.  

It's not control.  It's not ownership.  It's not supposed to be a jail sentence.  

My ex husband started his own business as soon as I graduated college when we were both supposed to be working to save money to buy a house.  I didn't want him to.  He didn't care what I wanted and he went ahead and did it.  Not well.  Years later the IRS came after ME for back taxes on his business that NEVER profited and was always in the red.   Why?  Because he had nothing and I had something even though we were divorced.   Apparently, I was supposed to hold some kind of leverage as a wife where he was concerned.  Tell me, if I couldn't keep the man from smoking crack how was I supposed to keep him from doing anything else and why was that the problem of a woman supporting two children with NO financial assistance?  Ranting.

Anyways.  NO.  that will never ever be a situation I put myself into again, thank you very fucking much. Yes, I know not all men are like that, yes, I know I can't assume I would be financially ruined AGAIN, but here's the thing.  I don't want or need to get married again.  Marriage is for buying property and having babies.  I'm all set on both counts. 

Love and commitment, have nothing to do with the government. 

I'll take it a step further.  The reason I don't want to live with a man ever again is I like sleeping by myself.  I don't have to worry if I'm kicking someone, or snoring too loud, or drooling....etc.  Do I enjoy sleeping with a man I care about?  Yes, sometimes.  Not all the time.  Knowing he shares a life with me is much better than sharing a bed.  I said it.

AND- I like having my own room that holds my own bed.  I think all couples should have their own bedrooms.  We can visit each other, even have sleepovers when sleep isn't so important, but other than that - he needs his own room and so do I.   Sometimes I like the tv on, sometimes I leave a light on, sometimes I want complete darkness and silence...........that should't interrupt someone else's needs while at the same time, my needs are just as important.  See?  Separate bedrooms is the way to go.  Keep that spark alive.

Have some space.

Have some fun.

Here's me thinking about what I would need to live with a man and planning van life at the same time.  Welcome to my brain.

I have no man.  I have no van.

Oh, and I like things clean and organized but I don't want to feel like the maid.  Feels like most men are kind of messy and don't care much so that would leave me feeling stressed about stupid shit that shouldn't matter.  I take pride in my living space.  It might not be expensive or magazine article perfect, but it's clean, smells good and I know where my stuff is.  I can have friends come over without having to clean for a week before.  (Even though I am driven to re-clean to make sure everything is nice)....My experience of living with men is that they don't care.  And they should.

Thats one of my considerations with vanlife.  Because everything will be so compact, it will get messy very easily very quickly.  That means constantly cleaning up because messes stress me.  I'll need to find a way to store dirty laundry, etc. so it's not all over the place.  Noted.

Okay, enough Bullshit for this morning.  I've been pretty consistent with writing, I'd say.  Trying to keep the brain oiled.  I miss him, I'm doing good everywhere else in life at the moment.  I'm having breakfast with my son this weekend and it's feeling like Christmas to me.  Until next time, be well.  

web pages and van life

 Today i begin developing my from scratch webpage as a sort of tester for what I will be developing / improving on, at work.

I'm very excited.

It's one thing to learn about it and do it in bits and pieces off of someone else's jump point........but this one is all mine to develop and learn from.  I honestly never thought i'd be learning new tricks this late in the game but I'm good at it and it makes perfect sense to me.  The creative part will give me a run for my money but I'm sure I can manage.  And excel.  

How many stories have I heard about people finding their niche in late life?  Maybe this is mine.  What I know for sure is that this skill will give me a lot of freedom and that is exactly what I'm looking forward to.  

Been watching a lot of vanlife streams and I can see where it is a lot of work depending on how you live.  I want to be incognito, not obvious, so I CAN park on a city street for the night if I want/need to.  One thing I need to dig deeper into is gun laws in each state. I continue to research and list the pro's and con's of nomad life.  I don't like the idea of peeing in my vehicle but there are lots of ways to keep it sanitary and convenient.  There's a lot of re-thinking that needs to take place.

I had a professor in college for my Anthropology course who taught us to view the world with no preconceptions of how it "should" be.  To have a clean palate when visiting other countries, and to have no judgement.  To view the lives of others through their eyes.  That is what an anthropologist is supposed to do apparently, but I've taken it to heart when being in situations I'm not familiar with.  Stand back and observe, take it in, and do not interject your views of how it should be unless it is asked of you.

Being an introvert, observing is my preference.  And then I jump in where I see I can assist.  I really don't think living alone in a van will be any more lonley than living in my apartment.  The biggest difference is that I can turn the van on and drive wherever I want to go, whenever I want to go.  

And no motels/hotels.  Unless I need repairs.  I will always have my "things", won't have to pack, will always feel at home no matter where I am. This isn't about anyone else.  It's about me.

This weekend I got razzed by my friends in the same tune as my bestie.  Seems everyone thinks I dump men too quickly, that I actively search out a reason to not like every guy I date.  

perhaps.  OR maybe men just fly their big red flags nice and high so I can't miss them?  I've done enough dating to know there are categories that each person falls into, and I seem to always find the flakey ones.  My bestie said Mr. Tattoo showed his red flags and I bulldozed ahead and ignored them.  What does that say?  There was something about him that allowed me to accept that he has issues.  For all the good that did either one of us.

I'm giving this most recent guy a chance because maybe it is me being too picky.  HOWEVER, if I start having anxiety over having to see him, I am DONE.  They say butterflies are a bad sign, that your body is having a trauma response.  I don't feel any butterflies so............

Regardless, I come first.  I don't care if it's selfish.  My whole life has been lived for other people and I am going to do exactly what I want.  Come along or shut up.  Thinking about Mr. Tattoo does me literally no good and I'm quite sure he has moved on to other entertainment and doesn't give me a second thought.  

Back to me, me, me, MEEEE.