Should of

 I wish i could remember every single moment of the last time.

I know it was incredibly satisfying and fun.

And now........I'm done.  I quit. Finit.  

Sex is not worth all the bullshit that comes with it........meaning the man. 

They think because they have good dick they can act any way they want.

Well.  I have my own skill set, and it's no longer available to flaky males. 

B.O.B never left me hanging, never treated me like an option, and never made me feel like I'm not worthy of its attention.  

So, I'll be investing in batteries and moving on with my stress-free, happy existence with people who love me and men?........men can go play their games with someone who enjoys that.   Have fun with that.  Loyalty is rare, and it needs to be valued.

Woke up this morning looking for some kind of response, some sign of life from him.  I have to acknowledge not only is he not interested, he's disrespectful and common.  He isn't bringing me peace or adding to my life in any positive way with this disappearing act.  All this thinking about someone who doesn't give a second thought to me has brought me to this conclusion:

And I'll take it even further......Celibate.  I've run the gambit, tried every different lifestyle trying to find my peace, my joy......and sex has been the source of all my bad choices.  Every. Single. One.  I'm after the pleasure, the rush, the intimacy........was, after.

I have memories of curling up against a mans back to go to sleep and feeling like that was my safe place, that was all I ever needed.  And that's been gone for a long time.  So it's time for a major change in how I move.  All this being genuine, real, open, being MYSELF........fuck all that nonsense.

Will I be strong?  Will he call or reach out again?  Yeah, he will.  They all do.  Because what I have is good.  But it's for someone who values me. Like, myself.   

Ghosts of dating lessons

 It figures, doesn't it, that the one guy I have any interest in spending time with keeps me hanging.

I know it's not healthy.  I know I've lamented on this and I'm still coaching myself through the "leave him be" and "take care of me" experiment in learning from past mistakes.

Can't help it, I like him.  A lot.  Ugh. Idiot.

In the meantime I have men I've briefly dated sending me messages that go unanswered, yet they continue to reach out......and I think to myself.."don't be like that"  Don't be the text that he receives, rolls his eyes, and doesn't bother answering.

I got a heartfelt "lets try this again" yesterday from a man who left me the most juvenile, nasty, valentine on my doorstep because I dared to tell him I didn't want to see him anymore.  I think, NO THANK YOU. Short memory much?   

Then there's the guy that took my ending it well, but stalks my social media while he has a girlfriend.  

My ex checks in occasionally out of curiosity, I'm sure.  And I do the same to him.  At least I don't feel angry about that.

But these others..........

So here we go again...

Enjoy the challenges of my work, and appreciate the fact that I interact daily with brilliant successful people who think I'm pretty amazing.  Revel in that because I earned it, and I want more.  Appreciate the fact that I am acknowledged as worthy and more, finally, by people I respect.

Work on my physical being - yes, working on my brain is always my preference, but keep paying attention to what I put in my body for nourishment.  Walk more. Resistance training, yoga, pilates.....balance and core strength.  Do this every day and create the habit that seems so hard, but once you start, isn't.

Baby myself.  Don't take those long luxurious showers just because you think you will see "him".  Take that time every day to care for yourself.  Wear the lacey underthings and be the only one that knows.  Lotion your body and massage your own temples with scented oils.....all that attention you love to give to the man in your life should be directed at YOURSELF.  

It's okay to want him, but he's only a small part of your life because that is his choice.  It leaves a lot of time for you to explore and meet other people with varied interests.  Join that club, do that volunteer work, and go meet people you have things in common with.  Give your attention to those who actually want it.  And if he wants to see you, it's okay to see him, but he is renting only a small portion of your life because he hasn't shown himself to want or deserve more than that.  As long as you enjoy him, go ahead and enjoy him.  But don't let that hold you back.  keep your eyes, mind and heart open to the world and all it's options.

There's my pep talk for the day.  Don't be pathetic, go live.  Don't be like the men that continue to reach out to you when you've made it clear you are not interested.  

Be the prize in your own life and someday you may meet someone romantically that thinks you are the bomb.   

Single woman over 50 dating rule #1

Sleep with ONE

Date a FEW

Talk to all

That sounds like a lot to me.  But, it also sounds smart.

I just don't have all that energy to give to so many men.  However, I will put myself out there in case that one special guy meant for me alone is out there.  As they say, He won't find me in my living room. 

I'm joining one of those clubs that usually has a few places in each state - I want to be comfortable going there by myself to have a drink and in the nice weather, listen to live music.  I want to meet people by volunteering, working at events, and participating in life with people doing the same.

If I meet someone it will be icing on the cake.  You know, the old fashioned way - get to know each other over time by seeing each other around other people and developing a friendship first.  If not, at the very least I will have a place I can go where I know people.  Friends have spouses and plans, they can't always be available at the last minute to feed my sporadic need for peopling. So this is my solution.  Get my butt out of the house!  No more work, eat, sleep, repeat.  

And......I'm still working on myself.  Loving myself.   

I can't get excited about dating.. Even though I am conversing with a perfectly lovely man, I can't work up the feeling of "yes, I can't wait!".  I can talk to anyone about anything - I'm always myself, but I can switch gears depending on the situation.  It's not a performance........its.....adapting.  I don't want to adapt more than I have to.  I don't want to have to get to know someone from scratch again.  I don't have any more room in my head.....or my heart.    I'm overthinking.  Per usual. 

Okay - get back out there MB and be in the world.  

Sleep with ONE - check (this includes kissing!)

Date a few - check  

Talk to ALLLLL???? I don't know about that.  But I'll try.  

boats and friends

 I spent this past weekend at my friends house to stay busy around good company.  Friday night I packed up Miyagi and a weekend bag and headed out to the shoreline.  Their house feels like a second home to me, I am that comfortable there.  

This is where I may drink a little too much, or perhaps smoke or have more gummies than usual....my testing grounds for how much is too much because i'm safe there.  (yes, I also felt that way at "his" house) I don't have to worry about what i'm wearing or what stupid nonsense comes into my brain and out of my mouth.  I always laugh my ass off with them.  They are like family to me.

We joke about being a throuple, only I don't get any sex.

On Saturday we spent the day on the boar.  The weather was perfect and I still got sunburned because.....i'm Irish.  We burn.  It felt so good to be on the water and just relax, talk to Doug - Jen ignored us and enjoyed her peace.  Even Miyagi seemed to be relaxed.  

Years ago my ex bought be a kayak and I would go out with my girlfriends to different places.  It was fun to poke around, sit and float, or get that workout ...........my favorite part was just getting out there and then kicking my legs over the side of the kayak, leaning back and taking in the sun while we all talked.  The nice thing is i'm in the water but not in the water.........i don't have to worry too much about creepy crawlies.

It was lovely and exactly what I needed. 

By the time we got back to their house to shower and get ready for some of the others to come over I was pretty toasty.  My phone was ringing as I was bringing bags inside the house and I thought it was my daughter because it was a video call ring.  I'm diving for my phone and I see it's my friend from school.

He was the first boy to hurt my feelings and "break up" with me.  After years of not seeing each other, we reconnected and now when he comes to Connecticut we try to see each other and catch up.  We are friends only, we were so young when we "dated" the summer before and during freshman year of highschool.  Back when we, or at least I, was an innocent.  

So, it's him calling me- and I had already seen on his facebook that he was at Laconia (son of a bitch) and I figured he was calling to rub it in.  But when I answered the call......there was my childhood best friend, not looking any older than a 20 year old.   When we were kids she moved into the neighborhood and we were great friends until we went in different directions during junior high. We never hated each other, we just drifted apart.  Facebook has a way of bringing our past into the present and we reconnected there years ago.  

So they meet up at Laconia, not sure if on purpose or by accident, and get to talking about me. (I would have loved to hear that conversation) and decide to call me.

I was so excited!  I felt like a little kid, literally.  What a nice feeling to know I was part of the reminiscing.  For this reason I am grateful for social media.  I have been able to stay in contact with people that I probably never would have come into contact with again without it. 

So.......yes.  A very peaceful weekend where I am reminded what is important in life.  Be around people you love who love you back with no strings attached.  You just want to be in each others presence.  It's really that simple, it doesn't need to be complicated.  

Is it me?

 My brain is finally accepting that I made a mistake.  

I've dated a lot of men (that sound bad, but....i have) and I have not become attached to any.  Even the short rebound relationship I had where I actually moved in with a man......I felt numb inside.  I shed no tears when I moved out, I had no feelings about it other than I had made a mistake.  

I've tried.  I have had fun and enjoyed meeting the majority of men, but basically, have had no feelings of investment.  I dated the few for as long as I could stand it, felt like I was suffocating or always pissed off and ended it.

Maybe..........maybe this last man was karma biting me in the ass for my abrupt departure from those short lived experiments.  Maybe my lack of consideration for their feelings in my effort to not waste any more of their time wasn't kind.   I hope so, because I definitely feel as if there is a lesson to be learned here.

I felt those butterflies that depending on how you look at it can be good or bad.  Now they say it's a trauma response your body has.......that butterflies are not a good sign.  This might be true.  The last time I felt butterflies was a long time ago, and that did not turn out well either.  I felt that giddy, happy, full of hope and excitement feeling.  I didn't LISTEN to him saying what he said to me about his choice to not be in a relationship because he continued to see me, treat me well, and basically display everything I want in a partner......It's not entirely my fault, but I will accept that he verbally warned me.  

the next time a man says "I'm fucked up"..........well.  Be sure I will pay attention and run for the hills. 

I thought at our are, who the hell isn't fucked up?  

The way it was handled is what has been bothering me. One day we are looking forward to seeing each other again and the next he has literally dismissed me from his life, as if I never existed.  It takes longer to let go when you are the one who didn't see it coming and feel like you were shoved off a train while it was moving.  I expected more from him.  

Expectation will get you every. single. time.   He just didn't seem like the type to ghost me.  Our "thing" aside, it doesn't give me much faith in my ability to know men.  I jumped in.  I liked this man, I CHOSE this man for christ sake, on the advice of a well meaning friend.  I pursued him.  That's probably my first mistake.  Maybe the traditional "let him pursue me" is the way to go moving forward.......

I don't want to feel indifferent to a man I'm spending time with......I've tried that, it does not work.  I mean, it's no skin off my nose but it hurts them and I don't want to do that either.

I don't want to feel nothing until I feel something.......i want that initial peak of curiosity, awakening, like being nudged.....hey, he's interesting.  I always thought I had a "type" and I've proven to myself that in the looks department, I really don't.  Tall, short, heavy, thin, hair, no hair, beard, no beard, blue collar, white collar...I'm not picking based on that.  I'm glad to know that about myself at least.  Now if I can just have a "runner" alert.........So I could nicely decline the experience of being ghosted after having been intimate with a man repeatedly over the course of several months.

How do I not think it's me?  I am the common denominator in all the attempted and failed relationships.  When I'm not dating or thinking about dating I'm completely at ease with being alone, spending time with my friends and family and living my little life.  

I wish I never reached out to this man.  I wish I had laughed at my friend and said no thank you.  I wish I didn't ridiculously feel like I've lost someone I would have been all in with......because he simply did not feel the same about me.

Ouch.  Again.  Ouch.

One thing about us Gen X'ers.......we know how to handle disappointment.  We let the discomfort lesson over time until we forget about it.  He will become a distant memory but this lesson?  I'm not sure I will put my neck on the line again and trust someone for the simple fact of they have not YET proven to be untrustworthy.  

So if I can't have a tepid relationship, and I can't trust a man not to vanish once I become attached, I guess I should't be dating period.  Those 70's love songs, Disney movies, 80's movies and music......the books I read....all based on SOMEONE's experiences....many someones......but not mine.  It's not going to happen for me, and I'm not interested in getting used as sexual entertainment as a "FWB".....that idea has never appealed to me, nor has having a roster of men to rotate based on their availability....I've tried that too and it's "meh".  I can live without sex.  I don't want to, but it's better than this surface, mass produced, generic bullshit that men seem to want.  Like women are snacks you pick up at the bodega once in a while for quick bite to tide you over.

I'm not a snack.  I'm tired, and right now I'm sad and disappointed that my judgement has let me down again.  

I belong to a facebook group comprised of people over 50 throughout the world.  It's funny, flirtatious, supportive and I'm finding it interesting how people from different places think compared to me, a born and raised new englander.  Yesterday I saw a man say something quite brutal to a woman in this group and.......well, I called him out.  He then of course resorted to doubling down on his comment and called me rude and angry.

I had said his comment was unkind, and perhaps he didn't "deserve" a woman (playing off his initial stance).......and he came back guns blazing to make sure I understood his opinion.

What if I understand, but don't agree, and I verbalize that?  What if agreement isn't always the goal, but understanding someone else's experience is acceptable?  Maybe we'd treat each other better if we were more secure in our views and didn't get so defensive that when one person challenges you, you either attack or ghost them.

But, that's logical, respectful, and caring...........something that doesn't seem to be high on anyone priority list anymore.

make it a habit

 Still no sleep.  

I smoked yesterday, by myself sitting on my deck swing watching the bunnies.  I am really beginning to understand why people feel so strongly about weed.

It's very nice. 

Still a novice and plan on staying that way.  I can't afford an addiction financially or mentally. I have a goal to not be able to live without anything but air, food, water and sleep.  I'm working on it.

I have aged in the past week.  I can see it in my face.  I see it in my eyes.  But I will bounce back once I get the CPAP up and running and start losing weight again.  Yesterday I signed up for the gym at work that has the resistance machines I want to use, and a yoga class once a week that maybe I'll be able to modify until I can actually do it again.

Yoga feels incredible.  Keeps you flexible.  I need the strength right now in more ways than one.

I did what I historically do and joined a dating site only to shut it down a day later.  I'm seeing my pattern....and I'm changing it.  I don't want to meet anyone.  

So here's the plan MB........

Get right.

Pay off your credit cards.

Finish the wallpaper in your bedroom and re-do the wallpaper in your bathroom.  Buy the paint and paint the damn walls.  Get rid of your tired furniture and buy the furniture you want.  Minimize. Make space.  You have a dumpster at your disposal......use it.  It's time to do a major purge, not just re-organize.

Go buy what you need to make the water fountain for the hummingbirds.  It's not too late.

Finish that diamond project so you can put it up in your girly bedroom.

Stop reading that boring book.  The author is not going to know you didn't finish it.

Find a book you can sink into.........let it take you away like it used to.  Imagine.  and then go create. 

Continue writing.  Here, or in your bullet journal.  It doesn't matter where or what as long as you DO. Its good for your mental health, if not other people.  

Accept who you are on any given day.  You have a difficult combination of attachment style and personality type along with a depressing past.......give yourself a break, but hold yourself accountable.  Always.

Don't take everything to heart.  People have their lives and if you share a small part of it, consider yourself lucky.  Look how many people you don't allow into your personal space.  You are being allowed into theirs, even if it's not as much as you would like.

Treat your body like you love it.  You should hold yourself in the highest regard before expecting anyone else to.  So....give it strength, nourishment that isn't garbage and rest that it needs.  

Exercise your brain, but also, please just stop thinking so much about people who are not thinking about you.  Put your thoughts to good use.  Grow, learn, be curious.  

It's so trite, so oversaid and under listened to........but love yourself.  Stop thinking someone else will validate that you are worthy of love.  You are.  So do it.  

Pay attention to what you are feeling but don't latch onto it......let it pass through you.  Acknowledge and let it go. 

Let it go. 

just. ugh.

 

I'm struggling.

Not in a cry and boohoo feel sorry for myself way.......more in a regretful frustrated way.

At this moment, I'm not right for multiple reasons.

I haven't been sleeping well because my CPAP supplier company has been giving me the run around (this blog just reminded me that I missed my Dr. appt this morning to get my prescription renewed) I've been fighting with them for years, refuse to continue to buy my supplies because my insurance covers it and now I'm starting to use a new company - starting all over again.

Haven't used my CPAP in about a month.  Sleep has been SUCK.  And now I'm preoccupied with the man situation which makes me have stress dreams. 

Add to that - I suddenly just stopped taking my weight loss medication due to my specialist thinking my insurance wasn't going to continue to cover her, so she just refused to renew my prescription.  What a piece of shit.  My job covers weight loss through a new program now, but anyone already being treated was grandfathered in....me. hello?  That office treated me so poorly because they thought my insurance changed. When I called them to tell them my insurance DID in fact still pay for my treatment with them I also informed them they could go fuck themselves. No I didn't say it like that but they heard the underlying message.

Since April 17th I have been off that medication which has caused some anxiety (I was on it for a REASON) and obviously side effects.  FUN.  Healthcare is just batting it out of the park lately.  

Screwed up sleep, the sudden stopping of medication, and asking questions of a man.

The perfect storm.

And yet...........I get out of bed in the morning, get ready for work, put a smile on my face and do my job.  Then I go home, eat something and go to bed. I know I'm in a funk because I have no interest in reading, watching tv, crafting or even sitting on the deck with the hummingbirds. I want to sleep. 

My friends will keep me busy this weekend, so I won't sit around waiting to hear from him.  He has not said a word since Sunday's "discussion".  Which says a lot.  I reached out once because, that's who I am, and I won't be reaching out again.  We are at a standstill.  Here I am talking like it's a breakup or makeup situation but how do you breakup from something that didn't exist.  

I asked the gods for something, the same something I've been asking for my entire life.  And the answer is still no.

So. 

There's that.

I will be fine.  I always am.  I'll get the new prescriptions, I'll get my sleep and I'll lose the weight - continue to take care of my health.  I'll "do me" as they say.  

Business as usual. 

Makes perfect sense

 How can i feel so defeated, and at the same time proud of myself?  

Why would I throw a wrench into a situation over a label? 

We are always told that actions speak louder than words......why didn't I just pay attention to his actions?

Most times, in my experience, men will say "yes we are in a relationship" and then act very much like they are NOT.  Never did I expect the opposite.  I didn't even know such a thing COULD happen. 

But it did.  And now I'm turned upside down because I really thought I had heard and seen it all within the world of dating and relationships.  Nope.  Wrong there too. LUCKY ME. 

If a man says we are exclusive, without me asking, and clarifies that if I start seeing other men we will no longer continue......okay.....That's literally a first for me.  That's usually a conversation I bring up first, because I'm scared to death of STD's and jealous crazy ladies that aren't aware he's dating....BUT he brought it up, casually, and firmly.  It wasn't a question, nor was it a big deal.

If a man tells you to stay the night, is that a booty call?  How about every time you are together, including where you wake up at an ungodly hour to go home and get ready for work? 

If he takes you out for food, stocks his bar with all the things you like to drink, and buys you intimate gifts........is that a booty call?

Or gives you a toothbrush. That you keep next to his.  At his house.  

Calls you,  reaches out in some way almost daily....If you sit together on his porch talking for hours....sometimes wiping tears from your eyes, not always from laughing hysterically.

I have never played Scrabble with a booty call.  Or rubbed their whole body down to try and lesson their pain.  

I must have had some really substandard booty calls.....(hell no I'm not ashamed) because it it lasted more than an hour or two I was wondering when the hell they were leaving...

All of the above screams relationship to me. I wasn't steering this vehicle.  I was in the passenger seat enjoying the ride apparently with blinders on instead of sunglasses.

Because i wanted words to describe what we were doing.  And he couldn't say it.  "We are seeing each other"

As a matter of fact, he doubled down....he most definitely is NOT seeing me or anyone for that matter.

Which made me wonder..........how many other women is he not seeing?  And then i dismissed that thought immediately because i literally don't see how he would have the time. I completely trust this man even though he doesn't seem to understand what a booty call is.

He drives a fancy muscle car, he has a fancy motorcycle, he likes nice things.  Maybe I'm just not someone he wants to take out in front of his friends and family.  Maybe in his eyes, I'm not high quality. This never occurred to me until this weekend.  The first time he treated me like less than.

He had plans, he told me he had plans, i knew i wasn't going to be seeing him, i didn't ask why.  If he wanted me to know, if I needed to know, he would tell me.  Thats how i feel with him.  If i need to know he will tell me.  I don't need to worry, i don't need to question, or have an opinion.  He's a grown ass man.  

Come to think of it, I did ask him if he had a date, but i was being a smart ass. With this man, I would never believe he'd do that, I'd be shocked.   Saturday he calls me on the way to his "thing" ....an outdoor party/picnic "like a jack and jill but for a baby".....Then he says he will be home around 9pm and would I want to come over?

And I got my first taste of "ick". 

Granted, he had asked me multiple times if I had plans, was I going out - and I being me, took the weekend to myself to clean out closets.  Cuz that's what I do.  If any of my friends had been available maybe I would have gone out for a drink, but that wasn't the case.  So he knew I was home, no plans.

And he wanted to see me.   Not take me with him to a party, but to have me go to his house when he was done.  

No matter how it can be looked at, I looked at it like that.  That is how it felt.  But this man, this man that has been so good to me, maybe he just isn't ready for the whole mixing friends situation yet...so...I say yes.  Because I want to see him.  Because at this moment I realize, I feel more than casual. 

I go about my business, finish most of what I started, and then I go pack for the night, shower, do all the girl things.  I have time so I pick out a pretty dress, curl my hair, makeup.....the works. His masculine brings out my feminine 1,000%.  And then I wait for him to call me on his way home.

At 9pm on the dot, he calls me.  He is home, he is tired, he has taken help for sleep and does not want me to come over.  

.....did I just get treated like an option?  Am I over reacting?  Maybe I'll just calm my ass down and not say anything until I know for sure.

As we chit-chat, I sit and stew.  I'm furious.  But why?  Because he changed his mind or because I put myself in a situation where I acted like an asshole.  I accepted a half-ass plan to meet him at his house at 9pm (NOW we are talking booty call) after he gets home from a party i'm not good enough to invite to. My mind is racing.  He has never treated me this way, and doesn't appear to even know he is treating me this way.

So I ask him, "if someone at the party today asked you if you were seeing anyone, what would you say?"

Stutter, stutter......he isn't seeing anyone but he isn't looking either.

And there we have it.  

No fight.  Just us as he see's us.  Nothing. 

We both rush off the phone because this is the biggest disconnect we have experienced since meeting. I send him a text a few hours later, knowing he wakes up every 3-4 hours, and suggested he come over to my house when he wakes up.....The next morning I send another text, again no answer.  Finally, I send the "wtf" text to which he responds in a way that is now called gaslighting.

Did this mother fucker just gaslight me?  Trying to tell me he didn't see any of my texts 14 hours later? Oh, so now, i'm an option AND i'm stupid?  I'm officially pissed off.  That happens when I get slighted.

This man isn't a man to disrespect. He doesn't hold himself that way, he doesn't normally treat me in a way that would make me lose it.  We go back and forth via text.  I hope he will call and talk to me, I know if I call he will not answer.  I hope he will just come over and talk to me face to face but the long and short of it is that i'm the idiot for thinking that he cared for me also due to his ACTIONS.....

He's bewildered I thought we were more.  He's sorry.  And hey....do I want to come over, get my stuff and ride his dick?

Maybe THIS is who he really is.  

No.  But thank you so much for making it absolutely crystal clear what you think of me. 

It gets better.

I called my ex who always has weed, because I need to calm my ass down. i'm ready to scream and cry and make the neighbors call the police. I'm grateful he felt generous.  He arrives, rolls, we smoke, I space, he talks about his child (love this side of him so much) and then he leaves.  BUT NOT before asking me if I want to have sex.

I know he was being a smart ass, not serious, but isn't that fucking ironic?  I told him he was the second offer I turned down today. 

There was a time when I thought I would literally die without my ex.  My world was rocked so hard by him, my reality so distorted and my self esteem so fluid, depending on what he thought of me.  

When i'm in his presence now, I feel tenderness.....but not desire, or want, or need.  I feel nostalgic....We have history, know things about each other - there is a comfort there.  But sex?  Intimacy?  Not even a spark of it. 

The universe stepped in and gave me a reminder that just because it hurts now, doesn't mean it will always hurt.  Time will change everything.

Maybe if I had just shut up and not asked that question.........maybe time would have brought us to a place where he felt something for me.

Or more likely I would have wasted years of my life on another man who doesn't value me.

babbling about space

 When i was married and had small children i was able to stay at home with them.  We did not want them to go to daycare.  I would get up in the morning with the kids, and we had our daily routine of meals and playtime, naptime and more playtime while i managed to clean the house, grocery shop, take them to the library and parks and then have dinner on the table for when hubby arrived home.

I actually worked a part time job at night as well, so i could have my "own money" and honestly, so i could have adult conversation.

Those were happy years mostly.  We weren't rich, but we each had our role.  He went out and made the money to pay the bills and i took care of the family and everything at home.  Time went on, the kids went to school, i went to school and worked, he worked - He bought a home with his parents that i got to live in with him and the kids (yes, i said it) and eventually we both had a full time income for a short period of time.  blah blah blah  

When i was home with the kids i was always busy, but i always had time to myself as well.  When they went down for a nap i would read.  Sometimes, i'd lay on the floor with in their playroom with them and read while they played.  I always managed to find time to escape into my head, find my space.  As time went on and the kids went to school and I was no longer home during the day - that time went away.  The only reading i did was for school, work, practicums.....I had no time to myself.  Once i was out of school and began  working JUST one job and being a wife and mother, i still had no time to myself.  On weekends if i tried to sit and read my husband would crawl up my ass because i wasn't being productive.  "how can you just sit there and read?" like i was wasting everyone's time.  

I loved it if he left the house.  LOVED it.  I would run for a book and listen for his truck...and when he pulled in i would get busy doing something "productive".  If he didn't leave the house i would do laundry and sit in the basement with my book.  If he came downstairs i would get busy folding. There is so much that is fucked up about this but I am not looking to unpack that right now.  The point is, i had no time that was just mine where i could just be ME and not answer to someone about my whereabouts or activities.  And it not only angered me, it traumatized me.  I felt like a prisoner with a guard.  

Fast forward to me and the kids moving out, living on my own merit for the first time in my life without the help of anyone else.  It was scary, it sucked a lot when there was no money, but it was also the most freedom I have ever had.  No one would yell at me to go to bed if i was still up at 2am.  No one told me how the furniture was going to be arranged, or how often i could do laundry....I came and went as I pleased, like a free citizen.  And as tumultuous and terrifying as it was, I look back at it now as another great time in my life.  That's simplifying.  

Years later i move in with the bf i'd been with for years.  We rent a cute little house that rapidly becomes home.  Our friends come over, we live in town close to our network, and all is right with the world.  Except.  We rarely spend any time together anymore.  When we lived apart, he would come over on Friday nights and we would order food and binge watch television.  It was "do nothing" Friday because we were beat up from working all week.  That was our night.  Thursday nights I would go to his house and we'd go to "garage night" (loosely termed at that point) at whatever friends place was hosting.  We'd go together and leave together but we did our own thing there.  We had a life together - concerts, weekend trips, motorcycle rides, parties....and each other.  

Then we moved in together and I STILL had freedom to read my little heart out, or sit on the deck with my girlfriend and polish off a bottle of wine, or go shopping all day, I did whatever i wanted whenever i wanted and he never asked or cared.  Because we lived together we no longer did Friday nights, and I no longer attended garage nights very often because i was seeing our friends all the time, so i stopped going.  I shouldn't have probably.  He was in and out constantly being someone who is always around his friends.  I always like time to myself so it didn't bother me until i realized we had no life together anymore unless it was going out with our friends.  Even when we did that we weren't together- we'd go in the same vehicle and that was the extent of it.  I started to pipe up about it.  I missed him.  He was different when it was just the two of us compared to how he was around all our friends.  Fighting became the only time we spent alone together.  

I went from having one man so far up my ass i walked on tip toe, to the other man who treated me like i didn't exist.  

We breakup, I lived with my bestie until one short stint where i lost my mind and ended up living with a virtual stranger (the whole relationship lasted just under a year) and ever since then i've been living alone.  Most of the time happily.  Sometimes lonely.  I did move in with a girlfriend during covid for a year and i'm here to tell you, two women can't rule one household. (MAYBE if they are having sex, which we were not)  I've said over and over again that i will never ever live with another person ever again.  Dating only reinforced that.  Seeing how some of those men live, hell NO.  

No one who knows me would believe i'm gonna write this down, least of all me, but I think maybe i could do it again with the right man.  

He'd have to be clean and have good taste - care about what his living space looks and smells like.  He'd have to not be cluttered, but not be so cold as to not have any personal items around.  He'd have to like spending time at home with me, but not have to be WITH ME every minute.  It would be nice to know he was around doing something he liked doing while i was around doing something i like doing.  Maybe doing each other sometimes...randomly.  It would be nice to be happy when he comes home and have a meal together that we cook, or he cooks, or i cooked (the point being we allllll know how to feed ourselves) and someone who can appreciate when he doesn't have to clean up because i'll get it.  Or he'll get it and i can appreciate it.  Or we can do it and get it done fast.  It would be nice to settle into our favorite spots in front of the tv to watch a movie, or another episode of a series together - or I could read while he watches man stuff i don't care about.  Together, but separate.  It might be nice to wake up next to him in the middle of the night - or day - and feel his hand on me.  Someone who also enjoys a made bed and a clean bathroom.  Someone who doesn't need to constantly talk just because we are in the same room - but who will have a great conversation when it arises....Someone to come home to and just hug without having to dump a whole crappy day onto each other.  Someone i can give a body rub to because i know it makes him feel better for a little while, and who also gives me rubs without me asking.  He has his space, I have my space, we respect it and we enjoy sharing space too.  

Thats what i've been thinking about. Maybe relationships aren't created by the devil to ruin our lives. 

like a little kid

 I must be in a good place because not only have I been blogging fairly consistently, I've also been reading like crazy.  For a long time I had no interest in doing either.

Today has been informative, but before I jump into why, I want to write about what just happened.  I started a new position in February, after having worked in a crazy toxic and chaotic environment for a year before that.  I've been with this institution for 5 years now, and that last year was a soul crusher.  ANYWAY, I've moved on and I am working my way through learning a completely new job, with all of my previous experience and strengths coming into play.  I'm left to my own devices and that is a strange feeling- and yet wildly rewarding.  I put my heart and soul into this work and it gets heavy with data - I lose hours of time sometimes, getting lost in the how to's and the what if's.

And because it's all new, I've been creating flow charts and instructions - along with lessons learned and ways to improve the process for next cycle.....My memory is awful so it started out as a way to organize my notes into cohesive instructions on a huge and complicated undertaking.  

I am under the guidance and direction of a highly respected individual who I am in awe of.  So when he asks me what I've been working on and if I will be all set while he is away- and I hand him my draft.....and he SITS down to READ it at that very moment.....excuse my tittering but, he is a busy man.  He asked for a copy of one of my codes because he hadn't seen it before, he wants to study it on the plane.  Then he told me great job, and he wants a copy of this when it's finished....pardon me while I fan girl.......It's amazingly satisfying to have someone be happy with my work and to acknowledge that I may know things they don't.....

Okay, with that bit of patting myself on the back out of the way, I've been down the rabbit hole again.  My most recent obsession has been most enlightening.  I have jumped into the deep end on Personality Types, and Attachment styles and I have shocked myself.

For the longest time, I believed I had an anxious attachment style and I can't remember ever taking a personality test outside of the one I did at work years and years ago that pegged me as blue, data-oriented (WHY DID'T I listen then???) and, Green, nuturer.  I have it somewhere because the company paid a lot of money to do this for us.  I've got to find it.

Well.  I'm more fucked up than I thought I was.  I am a full-fledged Anxious Avoidant, or Fearful Avoidant, or Disorganized Avoidant or, this one is my favorite, a Spice of lifer.  All the same thing.

And just knowing this, sheds so much light on some of my dark corners....

THEN I did the free personality quiz by Myers Briggs and turns out........I'm a INFJ. Introverted, intuitive, feeling, judging, known as the advocate or Humanitarian.

I'm also a Capricorn.

Only a small percentage of people have the same attachment style (because in my words, it's nothing but contradictions running through my mind)  and the INFJ is the rarest personality type.  ALSO because it's fucked up.  and Capricorns are associated with being materialistic, money hungry, greedy, cold and cutthroat people........which I have always taken umbrage with yet acknowledge if you cross me, you will see in action. 

So.

I'm about to get down and dirty with myself and do some serious note-taking and perhaps journaling.  Or not.  

I'm a walking contradiction.  

NOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE.    

A repeat of fuck off

many months ago I was on a dating site for about 2 days and I started talking to one particular gentleman and we decided to meet.

I gave him my number, we talked, texted, set up said date - nothing unusual.  The day of, he contacted me and said "a project deadline" had come up and he had to work, could we reschedule.

This was a weekend, mind you.

I had been dreading the date, as I normally do with a stranger, and took the opportunity to decline a reschedule.  (Also, I'm not dumb or desperate) 

He kept texting me trying to talk me into going out - said I was "overreacting" ......because I declined?  My alarms start going off.  Why does this man care so much?  Big deal no date.  So what?  We never met.  Move on.  I stopped answering, he stopped texting. 

About a month later he reached out to me on Linkedin.  Gotta love linkedin.  It's a wealth of information.  I told him, I wasn't interested.  Said I was seeing someone.  That usually works, and it did. 

Now, today, I get a comment from someone on TikTok and because his name and number are still in my phone (I keep everything) it showed me his real name.

He's not the first one to keep reaching out.  Men I've dated in the past who I haven't remained friends with FOR A REASON reach out periodically like they are fishing.  Why.  Why do men do this to women who have made it clear they aren't interested?

There are men out here dating and sleeping with several women at the same time, Married men thinking they are slick and trying to cheat with women trying to DATE and then there are the guys that circle back like clockwork.  

What is going on with you guys?  Are you alright?  

I text an ex every time I get overwhelmed and confused over a man, just to remind myself that I WAS IN LOVE with a guy who never wanted a relationship with me.  And here I am again, trying to NOT fall in love with another man who gives every indication that relationships are kryptonite......yet, we are exclusive.  What the actual fuck is going on with males?  

You want it all, you're afraid to miss out on the next best woman, you can't let go of one you never had, or you think we all want to steal your souls and/or freedom. 

But women are fucked up.  

THIS woman wants nothing but peace, freedom, companionship, fun, good sex and a man I feel safe with. What the hell is wrong with any of that?  

I'm supposed to be jealous? do your laundry? remind you to pay your bills?  Fuck off.  

And this random man that never met me and keeps reaching out........you fuck off too.

And the ones that keep trying to circle back for a repeat of disappointment.....PLEASE JUST FUCK OFF.

That's all.