make it a habit

 Still no sleep.  

I smoked yesterday, by myself sitting on my deck swing watching the bunnies.  I am really beginning to understand why people feel so strongly about weed.

It's very nice. 

Still a novice and plan on staying that way.  I can't afford an addiction financially or mentally. I have a goal to not be able to live without anything but air, food, water and sleep.  I'm working on it.

I have aged in the past week.  I can see it in my face.  I see it in my eyes.  But I will bounce back once I get the CPAP up and running and start losing weight again.  Yesterday I signed up for the gym at work that has the resistance machines I want to use, and a yoga class once a week that maybe I'll be able to modify until I can actually do it again.

Yoga feels incredible.  Keeps you flexible.  I need the strength right now in more ways than one.

I did what I historically do and joined a dating site only to shut it down a day later.  I'm seeing my pattern....and I'm changing it.  I don't want to meet anyone.  

So here's the plan MB........

Get right.

Pay off your credit cards.

Finish the wallpaper in your bedroom and re-do the wallpaper in your bathroom.  Buy the paint and paint the damn walls.  Get rid of your tired furniture and buy the furniture you want.  Minimize. Make space.  You have a dumpster at your disposal......use it.  It's time to do a major purge, not just re-organize.

Go buy what you need to make the water fountain for the hummingbirds.  It's not too late.

Finish that diamond project so you can put it up in your girly bedroom.

Stop reading that boring book.  The author is not going to know you didn't finish it.

Find a book you can sink into.........let it take you away like it used to.  Imagine.  and then go create. 

Continue writing.  Here, or in your bullet journal.  It doesn't matter where or what as long as you DO. Its good for your mental health, if not other people.  

Accept who you are on any given day.  You have a difficult combination of attachment style and personality type along with a depressing past.......give yourself a break, but hold yourself accountable.  Always.

Don't take everything to heart.  People have their lives and if you share a small part of it, consider yourself lucky.  Look how many people you don't allow into your personal space.  You are being allowed into theirs, even if it's not as much as you would like.

Treat your body like you love it.  You should hold yourself in the highest regard before expecting anyone else to.  So....give it strength, nourishment that isn't garbage and rest that it needs.  

Exercise your brain, but also, please just stop thinking so much about people who are not thinking about you.  Put your thoughts to good use.  Grow, learn, be curious.  

It's so trite, so oversaid and under listened to........but love yourself.  Stop thinking someone else will validate that you are worthy of love.  You are.  So do it.  

Pay attention to what you are feeling but don't latch onto it......let it pass through you.  Acknowledge and let it go. 

Let it go.