Makes perfect sense

 How can i feel so defeated, and at the same time proud of myself?  

Why would I throw a wrench into a situation over a label? 

We are always told that actions speak louder than words......why didn't I just pay attention to his actions?

Most times, in my experience, men will say "yes we are in a relationship" and then act very much like they are NOT.  Never did I expect the opposite.  I didn't even know such a thing COULD happen. 

But it did.  And now I'm turned upside down because I really thought I had heard and seen it all within the world of dating and relationships.  Nope.  Wrong there too. LUCKY ME. 

If a man says we are exclusive, without me asking, and clarifies that if I start seeing other men we will no longer continue......okay.....That's literally a first for me.  That's usually a conversation I bring up first, because I'm scared to death of STD's and jealous crazy ladies that aren't aware he's dating....BUT he brought it up, casually, and firmly.  It wasn't a question, nor was it a big deal.

If a man tells you to stay the night, is that a booty call?  How about every time you are together, including where you wake up at an ungodly hour to go home and get ready for work? 

If he takes you out for food, stocks his bar with all the things you like to drink, and buys you intimate gifts........is that a booty call?

Or gives you a toothbrush. That you keep next to his.  At his house.  

Calls you,  reaches out in some way almost daily....If you sit together on his porch talking for hours....sometimes wiping tears from your eyes, not always from laughing hysterically.

I have never played Scrabble with a booty call.  Or rubbed their whole body down to try and lesson their pain.  

I must have had some really substandard booty calls.....(hell no I'm not ashamed) because it it lasted more than an hour or two I was wondering when the hell they were leaving...

All of the above screams relationship to me. I wasn't steering this vehicle.  I was in the passenger seat enjoying the ride apparently with blinders on instead of sunglasses.

Because i wanted words to describe what we were doing.  And he couldn't say it.  "We are seeing each other"

As a matter of fact, he doubled down....he most definitely is NOT seeing me or anyone for that matter.

Which made me wonder..........how many other women is he not seeing?  And then i dismissed that thought immediately because i literally don't see how he would have the time. I completely trust this man even though he doesn't seem to understand what a booty call is.

He drives a fancy muscle car, he has a fancy motorcycle, he likes nice things.  Maybe I'm just not someone he wants to take out in front of his friends and family.  Maybe in his eyes, I'm not high quality. This never occurred to me until this weekend.  The first time he treated me like less than.

He had plans, he told me he had plans, i knew i wasn't going to be seeing him, i didn't ask why.  If he wanted me to know, if I needed to know, he would tell me.  Thats how i feel with him.  If i need to know he will tell me.  I don't need to worry, i don't need to question, or have an opinion.  He's a grown ass man.  

Come to think of it, I did ask him if he had a date, but i was being a smart ass. With this man, I would never believe he'd do that, I'd be shocked.   Saturday he calls me on the way to his "thing" ....an outdoor party/picnic "like a jack and jill but for a baby".....Then he says he will be home around 9pm and would I want to come over?

And I got my first taste of "ick". 

Granted, he had asked me multiple times if I had plans, was I going out - and I being me, took the weekend to myself to clean out closets.  Cuz that's what I do.  If any of my friends had been available maybe I would have gone out for a drink, but that wasn't the case.  So he knew I was home, no plans.

And he wanted to see me.   Not take me with him to a party, but to have me go to his house when he was done.  

No matter how it can be looked at, I looked at it like that.  That is how it felt.  But this man, this man that has been so good to me, maybe he just isn't ready for the whole mixing friends situation yet...so...I say yes.  Because I want to see him.  Because at this moment I realize, I feel more than casual. 

I go about my business, finish most of what I started, and then I go pack for the night, shower, do all the girl things.  I have time so I pick out a pretty dress, curl my hair, makeup.....the works. His masculine brings out my feminine 1,000%.  And then I wait for him to call me on his way home.

At 9pm on the dot, he calls me.  He is home, he is tired, he has taken help for sleep and does not want me to come over.  

.....did I just get treated like an option?  Am I over reacting?  Maybe I'll just calm my ass down and not say anything until I know for sure.

As we chit-chat, I sit and stew.  I'm furious.  But why?  Because he changed his mind or because I put myself in a situation where I acted like an asshole.  I accepted a half-ass plan to meet him at his house at 9pm (NOW we are talking booty call) after he gets home from a party i'm not good enough to invite to. My mind is racing.  He has never treated me this way, and doesn't appear to even know he is treating me this way.

So I ask him, "if someone at the party today asked you if you were seeing anyone, what would you say?"

Stutter, stutter......he isn't seeing anyone but he isn't looking either.

And there we have it.  

No fight.  Just us as he see's us.  Nothing. 

We both rush off the phone because this is the biggest disconnect we have experienced since meeting. I send him a text a few hours later, knowing he wakes up every 3-4 hours, and suggested he come over to my house when he wakes up.....The next morning I send another text, again no answer.  Finally, I send the "wtf" text to which he responds in a way that is now called gaslighting.

Did this mother fucker just gaslight me?  Trying to tell me he didn't see any of my texts 14 hours later? Oh, so now, i'm an option AND i'm stupid?  I'm officially pissed off.  That happens when I get slighted.

This man isn't a man to disrespect. He doesn't hold himself that way, he doesn't normally treat me in a way that would make me lose it.  We go back and forth via text.  I hope he will call and talk to me, I know if I call he will not answer.  I hope he will just come over and talk to me face to face but the long and short of it is that i'm the idiot for thinking that he cared for me also due to his ACTIONS.....

He's bewildered I thought we were more.  He's sorry.  And hey....do I want to come over, get my stuff and ride his dick?

Maybe THIS is who he really is.  

No.  But thank you so much for making it absolutely crystal clear what you think of me. 

It gets better.

I called my ex who always has weed, because I need to calm my ass down. i'm ready to scream and cry and make the neighbors call the police. I'm grateful he felt generous.  He arrives, rolls, we smoke, I space, he talks about his child (love this side of him so much) and then he leaves.  BUT NOT before asking me if I want to have sex.

I know he was being a smart ass, not serious, but isn't that fucking ironic?  I told him he was the second offer I turned down today. 

There was a time when I thought I would literally die without my ex.  My world was rocked so hard by him, my reality so distorted and my self esteem so fluid, depending on what he thought of me.  

When i'm in his presence now, I feel tenderness.....but not desire, or want, or need.  I feel nostalgic....We have history, know things about each other - there is a comfort there.  But sex?  Intimacy?  Not even a spark of it. 

The universe stepped in and gave me a reminder that just because it hurts now, doesn't mean it will always hurt.  Time will change everything.

Maybe if I had just shut up and not asked that question.........maybe time would have brought us to a place where he felt something for me.

Or more likely I would have wasted years of my life on another man who doesn't value me.