Is it me?

 My brain is finally accepting that I made a mistake.  

I've dated a lot of men (that sound bad, but....i have) and I have not become attached to any.  Even the short rebound relationship I had where I actually moved in with a man......I felt numb inside.  I shed no tears when I moved out, I had no feelings about it other than I had made a mistake.  

I've tried.  I have had fun and enjoyed meeting the majority of men, but basically, have had no feelings of investment.  I dated the few for as long as I could stand it, felt like I was suffocating or always pissed off and ended it.

Maybe..........maybe this last man was karma biting me in the ass for my abrupt departure from those short lived experiments.  Maybe my lack of consideration for their feelings in my effort to not waste any more of their time wasn't kind.   I hope so, because I definitely feel as if there is a lesson to be learned here.

I felt those butterflies that depending on how you look at it can be good or bad.  Now they say it's a trauma response your body has.......that butterflies are not a good sign.  This might be true.  The last time I felt butterflies was a long time ago, and that did not turn out well either.  I felt that giddy, happy, full of hope and excitement feeling.  I didn't LISTEN to him saying what he said to me about his choice to not be in a relationship because he continued to see me, treat me well, and basically display everything I want in a partner......It's not entirely my fault, but I will accept that he verbally warned me.  

the next time a man says "I'm fucked up"..........well.  Be sure I will pay attention and run for the hills. 

I thought at our are, who the hell isn't fucked up?  

The way it was handled is what has been bothering me. One day we are looking forward to seeing each other again and the next he has literally dismissed me from his life, as if I never existed.  It takes longer to let go when you are the one who didn't see it coming and feel like you were shoved off a train while it was moving.  I expected more from him.  

Expectation will get you every. single. time.   He just didn't seem like the type to ghost me.  Our "thing" aside, it doesn't give me much faith in my ability to know men.  I jumped in.  I liked this man, I CHOSE this man for christ sake, on the advice of a well meaning friend.  I pursued him.  That's probably my first mistake.  Maybe the traditional "let him pursue me" is the way to go moving forward.......

I don't want to feel indifferent to a man I'm spending time with......I've tried that, it does not work.  I mean, it's no skin off my nose but it hurts them and I don't want to do that either.

I don't want to feel nothing until I feel something.......i want that initial peak of curiosity, awakening, like being nudged.....hey, he's interesting.  I always thought I had a "type" and I've proven to myself that in the looks department, I really don't.  Tall, short, heavy, thin, hair, no hair, beard, no beard, blue collar, white collar...I'm not picking based on that.  I'm glad to know that about myself at least.  Now if I can just have a "runner" alert.........So I could nicely decline the experience of being ghosted after having been intimate with a man repeatedly over the course of several months.

How do I not think it's me?  I am the common denominator in all the attempted and failed relationships.  When I'm not dating or thinking about dating I'm completely at ease with being alone, spending time with my friends and family and living my little life.  

I wish I never reached out to this man.  I wish I had laughed at my friend and said no thank you.  I wish I didn't ridiculously feel like I've lost someone I would have been all in with......because he simply did not feel the same about me.

Ouch.  Again.  Ouch.

One thing about us Gen X'ers.......we know how to handle disappointment.  We let the discomfort lesson over time until we forget about it.  He will become a distant memory but this lesson?  I'm not sure I will put my neck on the line again and trust someone for the simple fact of they have not YET proven to be untrustworthy.  

So if I can't have a tepid relationship, and I can't trust a man not to vanish once I become attached, I guess I should't be dating period.  Those 70's love songs, Disney movies, 80's movies and music......the books I read....all based on SOMEONE's experiences....many someones......but not mine.  It's not going to happen for me, and I'm not interested in getting used as sexual entertainment as a "FWB".....that idea has never appealed to me, nor has having a roster of men to rotate based on their availability....I've tried that too and it's "meh".  I can live without sex.  I don't want to, but it's better than this surface, mass produced, generic bullshit that men seem to want.  Like women are snacks you pick up at the bodega once in a while for quick bite to tide you over.

I'm not a snack.  I'm tired, and right now I'm sad and disappointed that my judgement has let me down again.  

I belong to a facebook group comprised of people over 50 throughout the world.  It's funny, flirtatious, supportive and I'm finding it interesting how people from different places think compared to me, a born and raised new englander.  Yesterday I saw a man say something quite brutal to a woman in this group and.......well, I called him out.  He then of course resorted to doubling down on his comment and called me rude and angry.

I had said his comment was unkind, and perhaps he didn't "deserve" a woman (playing off his initial stance).......and he came back guns blazing to make sure I understood his opinion.

What if I understand, but don't agree, and I verbalize that?  What if agreement isn't always the goal, but understanding someone else's experience is acceptable?  Maybe we'd treat each other better if we were more secure in our views and didn't get so defensive that when one person challenges you, you either attack or ghost them.

But, that's logical, respectful, and caring...........something that doesn't seem to be high on anyone priority list anymore.