fully aggravated

 can't find the dongle thing for my keyboard and mouse so i'm trying to type on a laptop with long nails......grrrr.

Busy day - today i work remote and during lunch i have to run to the police station and give them my fingerprints and money.  I let my pistol permit expire, for like, years, and now i had to start all over again. I've been trying to get my prints done since June.  This town isn't a big fan of permits.

Still doing it.

And then, before the years end i will own a gun.   

I've got friends with guns so i can try out a bunch but i have my own thoughts and I think it's pretty personal.....like asking what color underware i have on.  None of your damn business.  Both do the job without you knowing anything about them.

hahahaha.

Last night after work i met a man at the canal and went for a walk on the walking path.  Only 2 miles.  One mile out and then back.  We sat and talked until it started getting dark and when the last people came t get in their car I made sure i was right behind them in mine.  I don't care how nice a man is, i'm not sitting in the dark in an empty parking lot with him. 

They all seem nice.

Anyhoo.  He said all the right things, has a nice appearance and seems normal.  Has two bikes and apologized because he prefers the Honda over the Harley.  Weird thing to say.  Everyone knows Harleys are a pain in the ass high maintenance bike........If i was riding i'd take the Honda too.  Does anyone care about that stuff anymore?  

Funny thing is this guy has shoulder problems too.  He's been playing softball for over 40 years and still does....he's 60 and plays with 30 year olds. Okayyyyyy.  I see you Mr. ball player.  This is weird but he kinda reminded me of my father.  His demeanor.  His appearance.  My father had it going on.  The ladies loved him.  

He looked normal too. LOL

Mr. Ball (better name than Mr. Soft) had a few tats on his arm, has a close relationship with his 3 adult kids, all flown the coop, and took his 80 year old Aunt in to live with him.  He has had his job for over 30 years, and seems to know a lot of people.  He did tell me his garage would freak me out because he moved from a huge home he built (raised the kids, got a divorce) to a raised ranch.  

Lord please don't be a hoarder.  

Do i feel sparks?  nope.  Did i get weird vibes? nope.  He seems normal.  Respectful, but does have a sense of humor.  I can't picture him busting my ass.....but maybe he will loosen up as we get to know each other.  He's been single for 3 years, divorced for 11 years.......hasn't dated in 3 years.

Thems the basics.

Today i do chores, work, and leave tonight to go to Milford.  We leave early in the morning for Philly and i'm excited to sleep in the backseat with Jen while the guys navigate themselves .........usually it's me in front keeping doug company but now that is Eddies job.  He has a hot date tonight, so he better be up and at em in the morning.  

Yesterday Mr. Cigar friend requested me on Facebook.  After saying he would leave me alone in his last message which i never responded to.  At first I almost accepted.....I KNOW, RIGHT???  That put it in the past mentality isn't going to work with this one.  We aren't friends.  He has no business knowing any of my business.  

Ignore.   Continue to ignore.  It's not harassment yet but it is pathetic.  He has no feelings for me.  This is a tempter tantrum because he cant 'get me to argue or engage with him.  As SOON as i do, he will try to start fucking with my head.  Nope.  No thank you.  

The thoughts that occur to me is that it's always the dickheads that return for more games.  It can't be Mr. Tattoo, or anyone i'd want to talk to......To think i almost fell for this short bald bossy ass man......

So i have to give the nice man a decent try.  He texted me this morning.  Not so much that it makes me wonder if he has a job.  

I can't wait to go away with my friends and just eat good food and relax.

say yes to everything

 Last night i went live on TikTok again while i did my manicure.  Sometimes when i go live no one really "sticks" to have a conversation with, so i wait about 5-10 minutes and see who pops up and starts to talk.

Last night was active.  A small group, but chatty.  It's me chatting, and them typing. I have to learn how to bring people in so they can talk live as well.  Someday.  No rush.

What surprised me was the ex of 13 years popping in again and staying for a long time.  That has to be strange to him, watching me talk to a bunch of men i don't know.  It is mostly men although sometimes i get lucky and a few women join.  Thats more fun for me.  It's like a big party.  Anyways, some people are "regulars" and we've developed a sort of banter, and have a little background from previous conversations.

I'm not sure i would like to watch an ex flirt.......however, i do encourage and tease him when he's in the live.  My bestie hates that i have anything to do with him.  She absolutely HATES him, and says he doesn't deserve a minute of my time or attention.  I don't think she trusts that I won't go back to him even after all these years apart.

Let me say this plainly.  Never.  Not in a million years.  I have zero attraction to him and he is not in a place in his life that i would want to be part of.  When i was with him i was blind, i was hurt from a marriage ending and he was a liferaft.  A fun and exciting liferaft.

Our breaking up was the best thing to happen to me.  MY life began after that.  I learned i can take care of myself.  I don't need anyone when it comes down to it.  I also learned that i don't HAVE to do it by myself and it's okay to ask for help.  I grew.  I expanded.  I arrived.

Yes, i made a lot of mistakes out in the wild, but thats what we are supposed to do in our 20's and i was busy being a wife and mom.  I'm a late bloomer.

But sharing a life with someone for that long leaves a hole.  We know each other well.  And there's no worry about keeping the shine on, if that makes sense.  Good, bad, ugly....really ugly.......we've seen it in each other.  It took a long time to let go of the hurt, the anger, the rage.  And honestly, it wasn't until we began talking again that i felt it leave my body.  

I don't want him.  I'm not sure who i was to be with him in the first place. This isn't hate.  I have love for him because of our history and I had a HELL of a lot of fun with him.  I used to  attribute the fun to HIM because i never felt likeable.  I did things with him, met people with him, I gave him all the credit.  I have since learned that I am a hell of a lot of fun, i'm smart, witty, joyful.....and part of that history was me.

We were kids in adult bodies with adult responsibilities.  Now he's in the thick of raising his daughter and I am a free bird.  The shoes have switched.  

Anyways my point today is that i can sit on a live and chat away with total strangers, and manage to still be positive and funny when the jerks come in, I hold my own.  I don't even wear makeup or try to make myself look attractive.  If it's after work, it's after work.  If its on the weekend......it's me looking like the weekend.  I'm not there to impress.  I'm just chit chatting with people and finding my own balance.

This will all come in very handy when i start traveling in the van.  I will have learned how to talk to anyone about anything and yet still have firm and clear boundaries.  

I'm likeable.  Thats a new concept for me.  

run to you

 This blog is like a friend i run to whenever i have something to tell, but can't tell anyone because they will share their opinion and i don't care to hear it. 

So here i am again today.

Mr. Tattoo reached out and we had a very short text convo.

I hate that when i saw his face pop up on my screen my heart lurched.  and that I smiled.  Big and stupid.

And then i engaged.  Happily.

URGH. why do you INDULGE MB?

It is easier to talk to him now.  I'm not waiting for any confirmation of hope.  He's just a guy.  Someone elses guy. 

I've changed.  That experience changed me. I started developing self-respect and setting boundaries - I know what a quality man is and what they expect.  A quality woman.  

I was coming off my wild days, my "experience everything i possibly can so i have no regrets and i'm SINGLE dammit" faze. I did indeed have many experiences i no longer need to wonder about, or regret not trying.  The timing was wrong for us.  Again. 

I was fun for him.  I wasn't someone to be serious about.  I wasn't someone to fall in love with, or care for. 

He never said he was going to either.  So there's that.  The only reason i don't hate him i suppose.  Because i did fall.  Hard. And he moved on to someone else after telling me he didn't want a relationship.  (with me.  He didn't want a relationship with me.)  I was the good time, not the all time. 

Anyways.  He showed me what i want.  And for that i'm grateful. Even if it still makes my chest hurt.

WOW - so much has changed.  Who AM I? lol  

If not for Mr. Tattoo, I would still be playing stupid games with Mr. Cigar.  But you know what?  I've had better than Mr. Cigar, and his behavior made him NOT GOOD ENOUGH for me.  I didn't have to wonder why i was being treated poorly, or why he talked to me the way he did, or even why he keeps trying to contact me now........I didnt have to wonder why i didn't deserve to be treated like i was valued.

It had nothing to do with me, or my worth.  Mr. Cigar will always fuck with women's heads because he just wants confirmation that he is loveable, he has no capability of returning that love.  Not to anyone. He hates himself.  He only understands the drama, the conquest, the control.....that's his curse to carry.

Mr. Tattoo.......he has it in him. Maybe he's found his "one".   He doesn't enjoy hurting women but i don't think he is aware of just how easy it is for women to fall for him.  How easily i fell for him.  

Player.  Playerrrrrrrrrrr.

Handsome, soulful eyes, that voice, his taste, (both in how he decorates and how he TASTES)  that goddamned bathroom (clean and female-friendly) and the fucking candles being lit.  His big clean comfy bed in an ice cold room with hands reaching out to connect, CANDY in the living room, a stocked bar with everything i said i like to drink, and he FED me,  Laughter, silliness, thoughtfulness, tenderness. His stories, His skin under my hands.  Lets not ever forget the sex. as. if. i could.  sigh.  

Stop. That was then.  This, is now. 

Uneventful

 yesterday i looked up from my project at work and realized i had stayed past the time i "can" leave.  It was so quiet and i was so involved with what i was doing, the time flew.

I love moments like that, when i'm so absorbed, not distracted - just, ON.

The only other time that happens is in bed, with an outstanding partner.  Time doesn't matter, or even exist. I miss that.

On the way in to work i heard "Got what i got" by Jason Aldean and man......that song hits me in the feels.  I want that.  Unrealistic? perhaps.  But...that is what i want; to invoke that kind of feeling and emotion in ONE man.  I have felt this way with a few men, and the feelings were not returned.

So.

On with my work, my happiness spending time in my home, making plans for the future as a single dingle and plans to travel with my friends and family.  This is what i look forward to, and can depend on.

No, i'm not sad.  I'm reflecting on everything i have in my life to be grateful for.  I have successfully rooted out fake and/or toxic people and i'm a lucky woman to see how many solid people are in my life.

Nothing new to report.  Last night i indulged in giving myself a pedicure and listening to podcasts....Tonight i think I will do some coloring and perhaps a live on TikTok.  

I was remembering how i used to read to the boys at the shelter when i worked third shift.  Ages 11-17 but all had the same curfew and lights out time.....bedtime was the toughest, for them and for staff.  I would put my chair in the middle of the dark hallway lined with rooms that held boys in bunkbeds and read to  them using a flashlight.  They would settle in to listen and most would fall asleep.  Others would quietly beg for "one more chapter".  

I truly loved those times.  I felt as if i made it easier for them, gave them some comfort that young men won't ask for, but still need.  Hell, i wish someone would read to me at night when the weight of the world is rocketing through my head and all the worries and upsets from the day come to the forefront of my mind.  Maybe thats why true crime podcasts put me to sleep at night.  It quiets my little inconveniences.

not ready

 i wrote a very choppy and disconnected ramble about poverty, affordable housing and living in a town where people are allergic to both.

I'm not sure i will post it.  It's a sign of the times when i re-think stating my opinions publicly. 

I may.  But it will need supportive information and data - because it will piss people off if it gets read.

So......

My first cruise.  My daughter has graciously agreed to babysit my precious Miyagi for the time i am away, because i do not want to bring him on a ship or outside of the United States and run into ANY issues.  I am not sure how i will go that long without him.  We've been together for 10 years and i've only ever spent one night (24 hours) away from him.  However, he loves my daughter and granddaughter, is very at home in their home, and gets along with their cats, papichoochoo and Sushi.  She said she will take him to work with her, so he will be going on a grand adventure and will probably not even want to come home with me when i return.

I spoke with the administrator of my program at work, the one that kicks off in January - and we talked about the timeline, and if i should be away.  We agreed that January is better than any other time between that and June, so.....i am all clear for takeoff.  or ship off.  I will just have to prepare to be out of the office which means, the holidays this year will have me getting everything ready to roll out and send, so i can kick it off before i leave.  

When i come back, i will have to catch up, but it's the slowest period of the project compared to what comes after.

I'm all set.

Now, i save money and research.  

I need to know every detail of possibilities so I can prepare myself.  The unknown is very uncomfortable for me.  I like to have contingency plans...i'm a capricorn.  what can i say.

We just had a fire drill/alarm at work and we were out there for quite a bit of time.  It occurred to me as we were all walking back in that i am a chatterbox.  I found myself in the middle of a group of men (i know the bookstore manager, of course) chatting away.  There was a time i would have died rather than talk to a strange man, let alone a group of them.  And joke around?  Assuming i've got something entertaining to say?  No way in hell.  I have definitely found my footing in groups.....the idea that people won't like me no longer sways how i act.  If they don't, they don't.  No skin off my nose.  But that thought alone used to silence me.  Who would want to talk to me?  I think a lot of people feel that way.  I'm glad i feel comfortable talking to just about anyone now.......I really noticed it as i was coming back to the office, with something small to say to everyone......And you know what?  I have no idea if i'm liked or not......and it doesn't matter.

I can't make it up

 Last week Mr. Cigar wants to talk to me......i ignore him.  He's in the dead to me pile.

Friday night i go out with my friends to watch live music and someone i dated was there with a mutual friend who had warned me ahead of time.  When we got there, the place is small and i was with one of the bands.  He wasn't going to NOT know i was there.  So ......while my friends were at the bar getting drinks i went and just sat down next to him at the table.  He turns to see who just sat down uninvited and i got the double take look. Big smile and "ohh" and then his face changed, So i said hello and saw you here, how've you been, High fived our friend and pretty much ran from the table.  I did what i had to do as a decent non bitch human being.

Aaaaaannnnnd i felt his eyes on me most of the night. I had a lot of people to hide behind.  Our mutual messaged me and told me the guy i dated was having "residual feelings" which i found funny coming out of a mans mouth.  This was YEARS ago.  It wasn't even a relationship.  I never went to his house.  Not once.  Done. 

Two down. 

 As I was driving home from Milford Saturday morning, there was a lot of traffic on the merit so i decided to go through Prospect on back roads.  Then i decided to hit the dunkin donuts there, because i used to go there all the time.  Then i decided to take a picture of the d&d and sent it to my ex who promptly responded and then came down to see me.  He lives 2 minutes away.  We sat in the car talking and catching up, and there was no weirdness.  I did absolutely pick on his clothing which is expected.  I sat there, hung over, the previous nights makeup still on my face, and i swear to you.....i felt beautiful.  Comfortable.  No more pain.  Also, no more interest in anything other than our history.

I'm not sure he can say the same.  Not my problem.

3 down.

Saturday night i had my friends over and it was actually a very nice time.  Lots of laughing and Dave brought a cake with a picture on it from our florida trip.  It said "welcome home Ed" and that was actually a very warm and heartfelt moment.  We are sappy.  We are family.  And we drive each other insane sometimes.  I've decided my friends are the love of my life.  I'm not sure any man could fill the shoes as well as they do.  

Doug and Jen spend the night, and Sunday morning we sit around relaxing (recuperating) and talking about the cruise Jen has talked me into agreeing to.  Our birthdays are a week apart and we hate it, also this year is her 50th.....so she wants us to go on a cruise together.  After some threatening and cajoling, she got me to agree.  

I ended the weekend last night when i jumped on TikTok live again because i'm very curious about these challenges they do, and if i can actually make money sitting there talking to strangers and working on whatever project i'm working on.......why not try it?  And it's kind of fun.  I don't have a big following, and thats fine for now.  But then THIS happened...................

Who joins my live?  The ex I just saw.  I laughed so hard.  And THEN because he was in there other friends we have in commen came in too.  It was a little reunion of sorts.  And fun.  Thats not all though, because the guy i saw Friday night also joined for a few minutes...... playfully.  Thats not all.  Several men i've gone on dates with joined!  None of them knew anything about the others......and they were all playing off each other....

If you've ever seen the meme about "what would you say if you walked into a room and all your exes were there together?"........You say nothing.  You just talk and have fun with all.  And i managed it.  I'm not sure how......and i'm also not sure if i'm a great big whore (i had only slept with 2 so probably not but STILL)  I was actually a bit in my element.  I even recruited one of my female friends to get a list of single females together for my ex of 13 years.  Everyone is a friend now.  Ex seems outdated.

Wild.  

Sometimes its pretty boring, because so many people come in and out and its just me talking for now......i can add people in to the live and i might try that soon.  I'm sure it's never going to be what it was last night (i hope) but i'm getting pretty comfortable doing the lives and perhaps i can pick up a following of like minds.  It's one way to spend my evenings, other than scrolling.

Also the concept of just making my friends the love of my life isn't new to others, but it resonates with me........what have i been thinking?  

why not the right guy

Mr. Cigar just reached out again.  Wants to know if i'm open to a conversation with him, he would like to see me if i'm not seeing anyone....

I ALMOST responded "Show me proof you got a lobotomy and I might consider it"..........but i refrained.  I will not give him the satisfaction of opening that door.  Not happening.  It's not worth blocking him either because he finds a way to reach me through different accounts of his.  It's not for any love of me either, it's only because he can't get me to respond.  I can't win.  

Why him though?  Never Mr. Tattoo. Never anyone i would want a second chance with.  

Fuck my life.  I'm doomed to date assholes or be single.  

Maybe i'll meet someone tonight, or not.  But i WILL have a good time.......it's already begun.  

actually excited

 I can't wait for tonight.  It's no big deal, just going to see a band i know with my friends.  I haven't been out like this for months.....I don't have to drive, I will know some people there ("i'm with the band") and i'm ready to just let the darkness go for a few hours and cut loose.  Have a few drinks, dance a little, flirt a little if i'm lucky, and know that i'm going home with people i love.  

Sounds like a good night.  

Tomorrow I go shopping with Doug so he can pick the steaks and then home to get ready for the shenanigans gathering.  I'm less ready for that. I feel pretty guarded in a group i never used to feel guarded in.  I think it's because i grew boundaries, my life took a different direction, I grew out of the craziness and wild times i indulged in for a while and .......now i'm boring. 

Last night in the chat one of the women was very obvious with her comments about spending quality time with Eddie.  There was some fun banter in the group before she started making obvious comments....which, is actually a pretty big no no.  She was never one to be discreet and every man i ever brought around the group was approached by her.  (I know this sounds strange to people who don't know, but generally this was acceptable before i grew out of the "lifestyle")  I used to actually judge the men i was dating based on how they responded to her.  Would they bang anything?  Were they selective, as i am?  Or could anyone just throw their twat at them and they'd dive in.

Well.  The group chat died at that point, literally because i stopped interacting.  They could have carried on, but they didn't.  Most no longer participate in the lifestyle that brought us all together.  As i said previously, Ed and i have history.  It was fun, but it was never a romantic thing.  I have moved on, he was in a serious monogamous relationship until recently and i maybe had in the back of my head that perhaps.......Because Doug and Jen want it so badly.  They think we'd be perfect together,. that we ARE perfect together. What we are is very easy with each other.  There is a comfort there. 

But i am deeply aware that he is fresh out of a long term relationship and that he is on the prowl.  I don't know when the "quality time" with our friend occurred, could have been back then, could have been recently.......either way, it's none of my business.  BUT......i judged.  Now i see him as someone who will bang anything. Would be hard to change that visual in my head.

Am i crazy?  Men think with their dicks.  They lead with their dicks.  They go for low hanging fruit for quick thrills and no attachments.......i know this because i've BEEN this with Mr. Tattoo.  I watch how this female friend operates and I wonder if she likes being the one that everyone has been with.......in the tristate area.  

So Ed is officially friend zoned and that makes it easier to hang out with him.  Do you boo.  I will even assist in helping you get what you want.  My freak days are over. 

Just found out a guy i dated who got hurt feelings when it didn't work out will be there tonight with a mutual friend.  The friend was giving me a heads up.  My response was "say hello, i won't bite"........I don't have room in my heart for drama.  It was years ago, we didn't date that long.  It was never a love match.  

He was a poser bad ass when i know real bad asses.  He was puffy chest and drama - liked to set me up in situations and wanted me to get upset.....fuck that.  Men do what men do, and you can accept it or move on.  I moved on.  Hopefully he has too.  

Do you have to be sad to create art?

 The dark cloud is still hanging over my head.  I wear my red lipstick, i plaster on a smile and i head out the door to go to work and pretend all is right with the world in my head.

It's not that anything is wrong.  It's just........not right.  I'm just sad.  short tempered.  Thats just how it is right now, and it will eventually pass.  

Last night i pulled out my Dirt shirt.....thats the bands name, and I haven't done anything to the shirt since it was given to me.  I needed to cut it up, add some me to it so i can wear it Friday night.  So i started cutting, and then i got freaked out because i "messed it up" and thought "how can i fix this mess" so i grabbed my box of doo da's and found a heavier chain necklace, grabbed my box of safety pins and went to town.  While i was doing it i was concerned that this is more of a punk look....and then i decided i like it and if anyone else doesn't, that is none of my business.  

Funny that i've been planning this outfit since i found out i was going.  But i have a few versions because i know Jen is going to veto my favorite wide leg army pants........she thinks they are too big, BUT i love the pockets!  So i'm gonna try to get them past her, but i also brought my trusty ripped black jeans and i will wear fishnets under them because they are REALLY ripped. My favorite platform maroon patent leather army boots.....and i'm ready to go.  I might just texture the hair up and let it be crazy- and of course the black eyes.  Done.

Perhaps i will have fun and feel good.  I will look like it, at the very least.

I found a beautiful second hand leather jacket on line but i won't buy it.  I'm in between sizes and losing weight steadily so i don't want to buy anything major until i hit my goal. I don't even know what main goal is to be honest.  For me, size 10.  For my doc, who knows.  I know where i feel good, and thats it for me.  

My physical therapist is a wonderful person and has been a huge support to my progress.  She will get me on that trail next year, and i will hike it like it's nothing.  That last big hill will not make me have anxiety, i will strut my ass right to the top and then i'll give the finger to it. Double fingers.  I only wish Mr. Cigar was a different guy and that he could be there to see the difference....so i could give HIM double middle fingers.  Maybe drop my pants so he can kiss my ass.

The thought makes me feel nice.  I like it.

Anyways, thats my goal with the physical therapy ....that trail is waiting for me.  

My latest achievement, which is less than perfect, is walking up my steps without holding the railing.  Sad, isn't it.  But for me, it's something.  I try not to think about it (because most of my problem is in my head) and just go up.  No holdsys.  It's a balance thing and a security thing.  I'm working on it slowly.

My ass is starting to pop out......hehehehe.  Welcome home honey.  

Big weekend ahead.  Trying to look forward to it.  I'm entertaining Saturday night - cooking steaks on the grill for my friends.  What the actual fuck was i thinking?

maniac laugh

 My daughter hates that i am hyper vigilant around people i don't know......The reason i prefer the country over the city is........LESS PEOPLE.  

More people, more potential for idiots who think it's a good idea to bother me, or someone i'm with.

It's not.

Especially if i'm alone.  When i'm alone, it's literally no holds barred.  I do not care if i embarrass myself, i will get really aggressive and really LOUD with anyone who thinks they are going to intimidate me.  MEN, when a MAN thinks he is going to intimidate me.  I have no fear.  I have a lot of built up aggression that needs an outlet and the man who thinks i'm an easy target is gonna be sorry he woke up that morning.

I've been scrolling the internet and my algorithm keeps showing me abusive situations, either by a loved one or a stranger. It's making me all kinds of mad.

I've taken a LOT of shit from men i've loved in the past but never them physically abusing me.  The day i lay down and let a man beat me up is never going to happen.  He's gonna get hurt.  We will both be arrested for good cause.  And i will not look back.  I did once, and I was wrong to do it.  Won't happen again.  I had the knock down drag out brawl with a man who "loved" me.......and i stayed till the bitter end.  You see how well that turned out. I learn from my mistakes.  A man who lays hands on you, whether or not you are scared, does NOT love you.  Whether or not you fight back, he is no longer safe.  And why be with a man you can't feel safe with?  

Strangers.......i don't mess around with people.  I don't bother them, and i don't want to be bothered.  I will try and talk my way out of a situation always.  But if i can't, it's gonna be messy.   i'm not a fighter, but i AM a survivor and if i have fight, i don't care about whats dirty and whats fair.  I'm just gonna survive. 

As a woman, that split second you take to think about how to respond is the one that gets you hurt or killed.  You have to believe in your core that you have a right to live unharrassed and without fear.  And when that is threatened, you need to get mad. 

Anyone who has the audacity to get in your physical space, and tries to hurt you.....you need to believe that they want the worst ending for you, and you need to make sure it doesn't happen.

I feel for women's videos i see posted, where the man they are with talks to them horribly, where you know in your heart that the abusive language is only the beginning of the escalation to physical violence.  

The older i get the calmer i become, the less drama I can handle - the more i'd rather wear beautiful dresses, paint my nails and have a soft attitude - that feminine energy i've never had the luxury of living.  I like the way it feels and i haven't needed a man around to do it.  It's for me.  But there will forever be that underlying bitch that is ready to take someone down in a heartbeat if they try something wild with me.

So much violence everywhere, especially against women.  Don't be a sad story.  Be smart.  Be aware, and never be afraid to take care of yourself, in whatever way you have to. 

Best Friend

 I don't know how she puts up with me sometimes.  She is the only one that I talk to almost daily, because she calls me.  If i don't answer, she texts me to answer my phone.  She doesn't let me not talk to her.

She is the one who is going to know i'm missing if i'm ever missing.  She will be the one to send up the alarms.  She is probably the only one who cares for me at that level.  

And yesterday i answered her call, grumpy about it. I'm still struggling with the dreaded "D" word. She says "I called you yesterday and you didn't answer" and i said "I don't want to talk to anyone on Sundays" (which is true) and she said "SINCE WHEN"....she gives me shit.  Because she is the only one who can.  And i give HER shit, because i'm not scared of her.   Yell all you want I aint skeert. 

We are total opposites - yet have remained friends for over 50 years.  We have plans to terrorize a nursing home when we are too old to take care of ourselves.  We are going to share a room and talk AT each other.  No one will understand us, but we will understand each other.  We drive each other crazy.  It seems right to drive everyone around us crazy when we get to the exalted age of "We don't give a fuck",  

I will be listening to heavy metal, she will be listening to country.  I will be tripping balls on acid (thats the plan)  and she will be taking a shit ton of boring medication.  I will be doing shots for breakfast, and she will take all day to drink one coffee. I will be wearing red lipstick and having my extra long (finally) nails painted blood red, or black.  She will be rejoicing in not having to wear any makeup, but will still use the cream to prevent swollen under eyes.  My clothing will still be black, and hers will have some kind of glitz or sparkle on it.  I will be barefoot, she will have carefully curated shoes to match her glitzy t-shirts. I will be listening to true crime podcasts, or watching horror movies.....she will be reading romance novels and watching rom-coms. 

Opposites.  And we know each other inside and out better than anyone else in the world, including, even especially, our children.  

And ........the most important thing.........she's the older one. HAHAHAHAHA

 

Happy Monday

 just saw a video of a man i follow saying "If that man keeps finding a way to contact you even though you have blocked him in every way possible....he is the one.  OR he is completely pyscho."

Hmm.

When speaking to Mr. Cigars ex/not ex - she told me that he always found a way to reach back out to her on facebook.  That was his modus operandi.  Is, apparently.  And he doesn't hide who he is.  He says nothing, just sends the eyeballs emoji.  Like a psycho.  I've stopped blocking because it doesn't seem to matter.  I'd rather just ignore him, and refuse to give him access.  He needs mental help.  A true Narcissist and i hate using that word because it seems like every woman uses it for every break up.

I have a bad habit of attracting Narcissists.  But Mr. Cigar, he is so textbook it's not funny. Has me on edge, and that's not good for me.......or him. 

Last night i started watching the documentary "One Night in Idaho" by accident because i was watching the documentary "Helter Skelter" and doing my nails. It ended and went straight into One Night in Idaho, which i've had zero ability to watch.  It's heartbreaking and at this point, my emotions and mental health don't need any extra weight.  

BUT, it started, and i was watching it before i really realized what i was watching.  They've done it very well.  I was right though, it upset me and yet i couldn't stop watching.  I only watched the first episode because i saw myself staying up all night to finish and being a basket case. 

I'm not sure if i will continue to watch it.  I was freaking out in the shower this morning because i thought i heard someone in my apartment.  There i am, soaking wet, dripping all over the place and dashing out of the shower (element of surprise) to beat the shit out of whoever is in my place.  My heart hammering in my chest.....running around wet, naked and ready to rumble - It must have been a sight.

No one was there.  Just my pets looking at me like "oh, what now"

So thats how my day started.  

Sunday funday

 I stayed in bed until 8am.  Yes, i was scrolling my phone, but still........i was in bed.  Also, i made coffee and brought it BACK to bed.....so yes, technically, i remained in bed until 8am.

I have a hard time staying up past 9pm.  And then i can't sleep past 6:30 at the latest.  When did that happen?

Yesterday, i was ready for bed by 7pm at the birthday party.   I got to hold, okay, i TOOK the 6 day old premie babie and cradled his little body for a longggg time.  I layed him in my lap so i could see him, and he could strettttttttch his tiny body.  This little boy, normally, would still be baking in the womb.......but here he is, tiny and mighty, in my lap.  His tiny hands, his tiny FEET.  OMG.  New mamma was happy to be with her family and socialize, but new daddy, stayed close.  He talked about all the things CJ does already.......sleep, eat, poop.   He is a very nice young man, very in tune with his sons whereabouts.  Mama picked well.  

Then there was the 1 year old blue eyed peanut.  She gravitated toward me, and several times her grandmother stated "she likes you, here".....and plopped her into my lap.  One year olds are a bundle of energy, wiggles and in constant movement.....she made me tired.  But SO cute.  And i was honored to be one of the chosen few who did not make her cry.  I remembered all the words to "little white duck" and "wheels on the bus" as if i had just been singing it all along.

Which maybe i have.  Don't judge.

MY granddaughter turns 7 this year in a few days.  I missed her so much yesterday.  I missed out on her early months and years because of COVID.  That time was difficult, and my regret is that i couldn't be there more often - to see her, and to help my daughter.  I missed out on my only grandchilds early years.  She is my world.  I would do anything for this girl.  She is my second chance to do things right, now that i know what right is.

I don't think my son is going to have children.  My daughter has told me she will not have any more.  So........thats that.  Stingy children not giving me a bunch of grandbabies!  But they are smart not to do what they do not want to do.  They have made conscious choices in their lives.  

As i was sitting there, watching the generations, i was again struck by the fact that I am now the old lady in this scenario.  I shared that thought with the other grandmother, who used to be a nemesis years ago, when we were the ones herding children....and we gave each other knowing looks and laughed.  We still have it in us.  But in THIS setting we behave as expected.

Funny because Jen reached out to me last night and informed me we are going to see her brothers band Friday night because he specifically asked for me to attend.  Probably because if i go, she will go.  She hates the music.  I love it.  Heavy metal, 80's style.  They have a huge following and know just about everyone in the Connecticut band scene....they just came back from a tour overseas.  We are going to have a blast!  From holding babies to wearing black and fishnets......my life is full.

Also, i've been going live on TikTok. One day a friend of mine was on there folding his laundry and i thought......wtf.  I can do that.  So i went live the first time, unraveling a blanket and then re-hand knitting it.  Last night i went on sitting there doing diamond painting.  People join the room and some stay and chitty chat.  It's weird, but fun.  I posted in the facebook group that i was going to be going live and they should join and hang out.  Seems no one had TikTok, but they were all downloading it and creating accounts so they could watch.

Is that weird?  Don't care.  It's kind of like going out and meeting people, but in the comfort of my own home.  And if i do it enough, i become a "content creator" and can actually make some money.  THAT is crazy.  it's also not the goal.  People like to build other people up, just to tear them down.  I am just looking for some company when i'm bored.

So....if "you" read this, and you have TikTok, you can find me there. @silverfocks       Say hello.   

oh yeahhhh

 i'm feeling nyself baby!  Hit a goal this morning when i stepped on the scale.  Did a little happy dance, and now it's time to work on the next goal.  It feels good to see results.  Slowly.....but getting there.

Mr. FB texted me at 2pm yesterday saying he hadn't heard from me.  I ignored the text.  If he was actually wondering why he hadn't heard from me, he would have asked me in the morning.  Something better came up for him, and it didn't work out, so he reached back out to me.  I'm not slow Mr. FB.  Better luck next time....with someone else.

Yesterday i cleaned out my closet.  Literally.  The big scary one with all the stuff that has no other place to go lives.  My craft supplies.  I needed to evaluate what i have so i don't repurchase (no spend remember) and also, to throw away the stuff i've been holding on to for years but haven't actually used.  Now the closet is leaner, and i can find what i need easily.

I keep purging stuff i don't use because when i say i'm getting ready for van life, i'm not kidding.  I found a bunch of notebooks that i had written notes about van life so i merged them all into the one i had created with sections in a binder.  So now that is all in once place, easy to reach and add to.  

I also painted a birthday card for my granddaughter.  I started it over 5 times and i like the result, even if it's not "professional" .  I hope it will mean something to her if she keeps it.  This kid keeps everything I give her, which is why I really started thinking about what will age well with her.  Of course i had to get her fun stuff for her birthday, and comfy stuff.......she loves a good blanket.  Thats my girl.  Her mother may kill me over the shouting game i got for her but it's a sneaky way for her to learn while having fun and it will grow with her.  Loud Librarians.  Looks hysterical.  

Today i am supposed to clean and do chores.  I don't feel like it.  Screw it.  The floors and the laundry can wait until tomorrow.  I'm going to do some diamond dots and listen to a true crime podcast before i have to get ready to leave for a birthday party.  

My mood is picking up.  I hope i'm on the upswing and that it centers out at a good place and stays there for a while.  

I did some rearranging and setting up a cozy area for myself in the living room.  I'm ready for fall, snuggling down and reading, solving puzzles, and binge watching television when i'm not out having fun with my friends.

Let's go!

Philly

 Doug and Jen invited me to go to Philly for the weekend.  The last time we went we were in search of the worlds best pork sandwich.  It was closed. 

So we are trying it again in a few weeks.  Only this time, we invited Eddie to come with us.

I smell a set up.

Here's the thing.  I adore Eddie.  We are very easy with each other, like we've been a couple for decades.  But we aren't.  We  talk to each other once in a while, text each other disgusting jokes occasionally, and always gravitate towards each other when the whole group is together.

Eddie is easy.

So away we four (not our usual 3) will go for a long weekend.  And then we come back to our normal lives.

There's no one to piss off.  He's single, i'm single.  So for now, it works. 

He knows me.  He's seen and heard about the guys i date and how it ends up.  He probably thinks i'm insane.  He is probably also entertained by my stories. 

Anyways - Mr. FB never contacted me again after our telephone conversation Tuesday night.  I don't expect to, because if he was still interested he would have reached out regarding details for todays lunch date. 

What makes a man reach out to a stranger, ask her out, and then flake out?  Shrug.  

I have to wonder what kind of energy i'm putting out to attract flakey men.  Oh well.  More time for me.

Drag your ass

 back to work.  I've been out sick since Monday afternoon.  It's a combination of med changes and mental health, i think.  All i did was sleep.  get up, eat something, go back to the couch or bed and sleep some more.  I was dizzy and nauseous sometimes vomiting bile.  I thought it was worthy of not being around people.

I agreed to a phone call with FB man Tuesday night.  It was supposed to be short, but he is a talker.  Seems like a nice man.  Maybe a touch of Aspberbers?  Something.  The great thing was he talked to me like a person, no sexual innuendos.  No testing the waters.  Just a nice conversation.  He did tell me that he was scrolling facebook and saw my profile picture which was "gorgeous," and he realized we had a friend in common so he took the chance and reached out.  He was very happy i responded. (ha, wait till he meets me in person and realizes i'm not gorgeous)

Obviously, this reminds me of Mr. Tattoo.  Where I was the random woman reaching out to him.  The difference is a friend had suggested we might get along.  I had a bit more to stand on, however, to him, i was probably some crazy lady on facebook.  He bit though......there is something about being approached randomly that stirs the curiosity.

I fell head over heels; he satisfied his curiosity, and here I am today - on the receiving end.

After our talk, I feel like Mr. FB has a life he loves and isn't desperate to fill a spot.  Check.  He lives on his own and pays his bills. Check.  He doesn't have any serious health issues at age 66.  Check.  He is physically active which i would hope means he can be "active".....tbd.   He was a high school teacher for special education for over 35 years.  That takes a certain personality.  Perhaps my affinity with working at the youth shelter would match with his.  We have a need to help those who need help, to empower them.  Check.  

And yet, not an ounce of excitement can be found in my gut to meet another man.  

I'm doing this because he could be the one i didn't expect.  He did come to me.  Literally, as I was sitting in my living room looking at facebook.  So thats kinda funny.

The nice thing is he hasn't been driving me crazy with constant text messages, which at first made me think he had lost interest in getting together.  I'm not used to someone who isn't texting me all the time.  I like it.  It seems .......normal.  

So, we'll see.  I'll go to lunch and we will hit it off, or we won't.  50/50.  

It's okay, probably more than okay, to not have butterflies or excitement. Just curiosity. 

if I can't have this I don't want it

essential need 

downslide

 It's happening again.  I knew it was coming with my apathetic attitude and road rage.  It's here.

That feeling.

I went to work this morning and could barely contain myself from crying.  I hate this feeling.  So before it got any worse, i excused myself, and came home.  And slept. and slept some more.  Now i'm up and ....quiet.  Nothing holds my interest.  I tried to watch a movie, television, read my book, looked at my paints and considered experimenting........no, nope, and nope.  

So i scrolled mindlessly and got an unpleasant shock.  I forgot to block him on instagram, and there was his face with what is supposed to be a funny look.  Not funny to me. So now i feel sick to my stomach also.  I had really hoped to never see his face again.  

I'm not usually like that.  But then, i never got choked out before either. 

That fucker. And looking at his picture i wonder to myself, how the hell does he get women?  How did he get me?  That charisma and charm .....gotta watch out for those men.

Like i did with Mr. Batts.  He made me massively uncomfortable and was super pushy.....for all i know he's a great guy.  For someone else.  I don't like repeating myself when i'm uncomfortable.  

What kind of switch up is this?  I was drawn in to my ex of 13 years because he seemed like a lone wolf.  I never felt afraid of him, but there were times i was unsafe with him.  He was an animal on the bike, with me or without me on it.  Any kind of machine his adhd would kick in and he had to test out its speed......any car, anything with an engine.  I'm surprised we didn't die.  But his quiet way of looking at me like only i existed - the way he walked, held me - took over, for a long time that kept me.   He could be charming too.  When he felt like it.

Mr. Tattoo.  I didn't feel charmed.  I felt on fire. Weird.  Maybe we knew each other in a previous life - there was some kind of "knowing" there.  I felt safe, but wild.  I felt comfort and ease - but in the end, not enough.  Or too much. 

I've dated a LOT.  I have sat with many men and heard many stories.  Some were jerks, some were very nice, some just had a lifestyle i didn't see myself being part of.  Some were boring.  Or just out to get laid.    Regardless of what their end game was, they were just average joe's like me, looking to connect with someone.

A man from facebook reached out to me last week and we talked.  The next day he asked me out to lunch.  I haven't heard from him again.  Nor have i reached out to him.

I'm pretty ...........done?  Yeah, i'm over it.  Over dating.  

For the minute. LOL.  No, for some reason i feel like it's the only thing in my life making me unhappy.......so why do it.

from 2016 to present

The Core Shift

• 2016: Love is a fight, breakups are battles, healing is about removing the invader.

• Now: Love is optional, life is wide, healing is ongoing, and you are the center of your own story.

Ropes and release

 I listened to a podcast this morning from "Modern Love" regarding kink, and rope play.  This was put out by the New York Times so i don't think the purpose was for titillation as much as information.  I found myself really listening as i was getting ready for work.

I know a bit about this.

About pain in general and about very specific purposeful pain.

I don't want to write about it, there are a lot of great articles and ways to find out the details from sources that are a lot more knowledgeable and articulate than i am.

What i got caught up on was the speakers experience of release - It's not sexual, although after the release there is gratitude an union on both sides of the rope, the top and bottom.  So while it can certainly turn into sex it doesn't have to.  Thats not the point in the grand scheme of things.

Back in the day i spent some time in bondage clubs because i was writing a paper on deviant sexual behavior for a psychology class i was taking at the time.  Kink was considered deviant back then, and now in some circles.  Very off the cuff, but i'd say there is a higher percentage of damaged people participating in kink, for sure.  But aren't we all damaged in one way or another?

The paper got me interested, and i saw a small light at the end of the tunnel but my husband at the time was far from willing to discuss it.  He didn't understand why I wanted him to "hurt" me.  He couldn't wrap his mind around what i wanted to investigate as a couple.  The idea, (solution?) died as soon as it was birthed.  

It was years later, after having been divorced forever and just leaving a 13 year relationship with my "bf" that i was re-introduced to the world of kink.  It sounds taudry. Parts of it can be. I think i partook in all the different levels of decency within legal and moral limits. 

The acts themselves were not the point.  The reclaiming of self was.  The freedom of having control over my sexuality after it had been held hostage to two long term very traditional relationships for my whole life was my experience.  But it wasn't until this morning as i was listening to this podcast that another missing piece fell into place. 

It was about accepting my body with all it's imperfections, seeing it as a tool and not a thing to be used by someone else for their purposes.

A couple of years ago when i went to florida with my friends we went to the nudist beach.  I felt challenged "I didn't think you would want to go" so I made it a mission to go strut my big girl ass around on that beach like i had a right to.

I almost drowned that day, but thats a different story.

People on that beach, and there were not a lot, didn't give a good damn what anyone thinks.  The long timers look like raisonettes .....wrinkled and brown all over.  All kinds of bodies, big, small, fat, skinny, young and mostly older.  I mean, Florida.  

A switch got thrown as i sat there trying to work up the courage to take my top off.  Who cares?  And wouldn't it feel wonderful to feel the sun on my breasts?  Off with the top.  

I'm not ashamed of my body, but i've never been accepting of it either - not even when i was a young small hard body - I never felt proud or happy with my body.  Now i'm a big woman, losing wieght at an age when elasticity is practically gone and i am the MOST comfortable in my body.  And that didn't happen until  quite recently.

Part of being at peace with yourself is accepting who you are - all the good, bad, different than others, and sames.  We are who we are and we try to be the best we can be and sometimes we just aren't.  And its okay.  We are still allowed to love ourselves, even on the worst days.

Kink kind of introduced me to the idea of "to each his own".........what works for you may not work for others.  People participate for different reasons.  None of them wrong.  

I had a friend who would spank my ass so hard it would be covered in bruises for weeks.  He knew how to do it- with the build up.  He only ever used his hand on me.  And i was a stubborn brat, i would not ever quit or ask for him to stop.  Each slap would release me from my thoughts, my thinking too much, my worries, my inadequacies, my failures, my losses........Each slap brought focus to that sting, that pain - concentrated into one place physically, not mentally.  I craved it.  When the bruises would start to fade i would be sad.  They were the proof- they were the visual proof of my bearing the pain and surviving, thriving, carrying on.  Healing.

People would cringe when they saw pictures of my proudest sessions.  They couldn't understand and thats okay.  He understood how to release me, how to talk to me, "tell me to stop", "no, I will not"....SMACK.  

It's been years since i've had a spanking.  I don't think i could bear what i did then - I no longer want that level of release, I no longer need it.  It served it's purpose - It purged the pain i carried inside and while it left its marks on my buttocks, they faded as i healed.  

Rope play is painful - it is a different type of release for both.  The tops need to be needed, the bottoms need to let go and feel without the noise, the aftercare of real feelings although temporary.  

I'm rounding in circles - I realize this.  

Changes

 I've never experienced a man as seeing me as smart first.  fuckable maybe, cute possibly. some may even find me funny.  

how am I presenting myself?

I think it's time for a really good haircut. I think I need to revamp my wardrobe. I think it's time for my appearance to match my inner self. 

I don't feel like a rough and tumble biker girl or a free-spirited hippie anymore. looking at my clothes I see and extreme divide between one role or the other. but then there's my work wardrobe which is classic. 

with the weight slowly coming off, I think it's time to reevaluate how I am presenting myself to people in public. 

Dreams and cancelled dates

 I repeated my dreams out loud to myself in the shower this morning so i could remember, write it down and try to interpret them later.

I'm in a restaurant with a bunch of my friends, and i have my cat in a stroller.  We are all sitting at a table wrapped in blankets waiting to order and i can't decide so i let them choose for me.  I let ninja out of the stroller because the waiter says they have cats in the restaurant because of mice, and i say she is the best hunter.  The food comes and i'm so happy because i'm hungry.  But it's jammy eggs.....disgusting.  I'm so upset.  Everyone is telling me to eat it, it's so good.  I want to puke.  Then they all leave the table and i'm sitting there wondering what the hell is going on.  I look at the other tables and they are filled with Diablos.  The mc club.  I wonder if my friend is here, but i start trying to get ninja back in the stroller so i can go find my friends.  I can't catch her and the waiter keeps bringing me cats that aren't her.  Finally i get her but she won't go in the carriage.  My friends son, Junior, trys to help me and i ask him where did everyone go?  Then i look again and the people have all melty faces with big uneven eyes.  

Now I'm in the house i grew up in.  I have to get ready for school but i don't want to shower in the only bathroom because it's dirty and i hate it.  I decide to get ready without a shower and i'm furious.  I go outside to catch the bus.  Now i'm walking down the yard of the house i owned with me ex husband.  It's on a corner and i don't know which street the bus stop is on.  I realize i should drive, but there's no cars in the driveway.

When i woke up it was to the alarm, which means i woke up late.  So because of these dreams i'm like "WTF".....i'm already starting this day on the wrong foot.  I look at my phone, Mr. Batts had texted me in the middle of  the night - trying to sexy talk.

another WTF.

Do i need to repeat myself to him?  No i ignore it.  Now i don't want to go out tonight.  As i'm in the shower he texts me good morning and i respond.  Then he goes into how he's thinking about me.  I think, maybe it's gonna be a nice thing.......like he's looking forward to tonight.  But no.  He tells me he's touching himself.

GTFO

I told him I didn't want to go out with him tonight.  He acts offended. "what???"......i told him we are looking for different things.  He says "If you don't want me to think of you, thats just fine with me"

Oh buddy.

Gaslighting me is not a good idea.

I did not respond.  Nor will I.  Done.  Fuck off.

I was going to ask him "do i have kids?  do you know where i work? If my parents are alive?  Because i bet a million dollars he can't answer those basic questions after talking for almost three weeks.  

Fuck off.

I've been trying to talk myself out of not wanting to go out with him, thinking it's my fucked up brain wanting to hide in the house in peace and not deal with another unknown man.  But no, i should have been listening to my instinct. 

I'm getting better at this.  The pickings are slim. Supposedly successful men are just as piggish, if not worse than the average male.  Worse, is that they are entitled on top of it.

I love sex.  I mean, i really love it.  But i'm not entertainment.  They want to date a respectable woman but they don't approach with any kind of respect.  How are you gonna talk to a woman like that and then think i will take you seriously.  Some things never change.  

If i was in a relationship with a man and he texted me naughty in the morning - that would be different.  Like I said, this man remembers nothing of what i've shared with him - his goal is to get laid.  Keep looking. I learned the hard way that following my hormones with a man is not the way to go, and with this guy.......not even a twinge of hormones going on with me. 

Below is the AI interpretation of my dreams which almost scares me.

 let’s look at how the elements of your dream might reflect or mirror something in your waking life. Based on what I know about you — your strong sense of independence, recent reflections on relationships, emotional boundaries, and desire for meaningful connection — this dream feels emotionally loaded in a way that might tie into your recent personal growth and relationship dynamics.

---

🔹 You’re in a restaurant with friends, but you’re disconnected

In waking life:

• Are you feeling surrounded by people but still alone emotionally?

• Are there moments where you’re invited in but still feel like you're not quite part of things, or not fully seen for who you are?

• Letting your friends order for you may reflect difficulty asserting your preferences or needs — especially if you're tired of always being “the strong one,” or feel like expressing your needs gets minimized or misunderstood.

---

🔹 Ninja, the cat, is symbolic of your emotional intuition or vulnerability

Letting her out because “she’s the best hunter” suggests:

• You trust your instincts and even take pride in them.

• But then you lose control of her — and people keep bringing you the wrong thing in return.

• Could this mirror recent interactions where you’ve trusted someone with a piece of yourself — emotionally or otherwise — and they didn’t handle it well? Or where you’re looking for something real and keep getting shallow substitutes?

---

🔹 The jammy eggs and people pressuring you to accept what repulses you

• This is huge. It screams of someone saying, “You should want this,” when you absolutely do not.

• Whether this is a relationship dynamic, a job situation, or even a cultural pressure (like being expected to be "fine" with crumbs or the bare minimum) — you’re internally rejecting it, while others try to convince you it’s good.

• You don’t buy it. And your body (in the dream) wants to vomit. That’s powerful.

---

🔹 Everyone leaves, and you’re left with strangers (Diablos) and distortion

• This may reflect a recent abandonment — literal or emotional. Someone you cared about distanced themselves or changed on you.

• The Diablos may represent dangerous or volatile people from your past or symbolic of stepping into emotionally unsafe spaces.

• You try to regain control (Ninja), but you’re getting unhelpful input from outsiders. You’re seeking connection — but the people around you are twisted, melty, not trustworthy.

• This could echo the moment you realize: “These people are not my people.”

---

🔹 Back in your childhood home, and later your ex-husband’s

• Returning to old houses symbolizes revisiting old emotional frameworks — who you used to be.

• The dirty bathroom suggests you don’t want to revisit old wounds — maybe related to family, shame, or lack of self-worth.

• Then you transition to your ex-husband’s house — a place of previous partnership — but now you’re alone, unsure where to go, and with no means of transport.

• This could reflect that while you’ve grown immensely, part of you is still working through what it means to be truly self-directed, without needing someone else to “drive” the narrative or give you direction.

---

🧠 Final Reflection

This dream screams of:

• Trying to reclaim yourself in spaces where you’ve historically lost pieces of your identity

• Fighting to hold onto your intuition (Ninja) in the face of others’ expectations or false reassurances

• Feeling disoriented by abandonment or shifting relationships

• And confronting old emotional frameworks that no longer serve the woman you are now

You’ve been processing a lot lately — especially around romantic disappointment, emotional loyalty, and asserting your worth. This dream is your brain trying to consolidate your growth with your pain — saying, “Let’s not forget where we’ve been… but let’s not stay there either.”

Clear out illness

 What the hell am i buying?

Today after work my bestie and her husband are coming to pick up the deck swing i HAD TO HAVE and bring it to their new house, where they have the space and will probably use it.

(They also have the beautiful deck furniture i bought for the house in Wolcott about a year before i had to move out due to the breakup)

So i can visit it all.  And be reminded not to buy any more stuff.

In fairness, i wanted the deck swing for a long time.  Years.  I pictured myself lounging on my deck reading my book.  The reality is that it's not very comfortable to lounge on.  It's more of a sit and swing while you talk to someone and have a glass of wine or two.

I don't have people over very often.  Perhaps that should change......no probably not.

Anyways, I inherited a huge grill (and yes, i managed to set it up and use it all by myself after a few tries) and between the swing and the grill, something has to give.

I chose the grill.

And here we are.

I will use my big comfy camp chair that resides in the closet when i want to lounge on the deck and read my book.  It's more comfortable anyways.

I love sitting on decks.

I'm watchful for bears now, since the last one decided i was interesting and came right up to the deck.  Puts a little excitement into the lounging aspect.

I'm annoyed.  Mr. Batts seems to think i'm here for his entertainment, or he enjoys texting with me.  I have to admit, i'm not a big fan of the texting.  I'd rather date. See each other in person and get to know each other that way.  Texting is very flat, and my awkward sense of humor doesn't always come across correctly. Plus, it's one dimensional.  He's making me into what he wants in his head, not what i really am.  And vice versa I guess.

I'm just annoyed in general.  So this must be the perfect man if we are going by my ability to select a partner.

Sigh.  I'm wanting to cut him off but i have no real reason to do so, so i'm just going to go with the flow.  We are supposed to go out Thursday night.  He seemed to think it was last night.  I told him he is mixing up his ladies.....I mean, i know he's not dating just me for christ sake.  I'm wondering if its bad that i don't care.  

What happens happens.  I am tired of thinking about it. 

Gorgeous

 I'm lucky.

I live in a beautiful area and most times i drive through it not even paying attention.

This morning, I did.

Whats that saying?  Appreciate what you have and don't worry about what you don't have.

Succinct.

Dressing a little artsy today, with the flowy trendy pants and a beautiful see-through top (that i have a tank under obviously)  Jewelry, crazy hair, red lips.  Platform Sorel sandals........i'm feeling myself today.

Nice to go into my closet and know whatever i choose will fit.  It won't be too tight.  i won't look like a stuffed sausage.  If anything, it may be too big.  and thats easy to fix.

Saw my GP yesterday, and actually requested she up my dose of meds.  Im feeling pretty bitchy lately- and literally nothing to bitch about.  She told me to go back to therapy and gave me an additional script for "as needed".  

I'm happy.  But i'm not happy.  Everything is setting me off.  Stupid stuff is setting me off. 

Am i even interested in the man i'm talking to?  It's hard to tell.  Give it time.  

I did start reading an actual physical book yesterday and it felt lovely.  It's good.  It grabbed me immediately- "The lost bookshop" by Evie Woods.  It's been out for a while, i picked it up at the GoodWill when i was shopping with Jen and Doug.  Thought i'd bring it on vacation, but knew i'd not touch it, so here we are........reading it now.

Books have always been such a comfort to me.  I have so many that i've purchased that i havent read because i have the kindle which is lighter and easier.  Plus i can read spicey books and no one knows.  BUT the physical act of reading an actual book is almost a religious experience, with rituals, and senses......I need to give the kindle a break for a while.

Okay.  Lets be positive today.  Let's make an actual effort at choosing to be happy.  This is a phase.  It too shall pass.

stalked?

I understand being curious - i reach out to Mr. Tattoo once in a while because, lets face it - i'm curious.

Is he happy?  How's his dog.  Has he retired? Does he have everything he hoped to have?

Why?

I don't know. Do i need a reason?

But i don't reach out thinking we don't have a past, or that nothing happened and broke off.  He crosses my mind as the one that would have been perfect for me if he had wanted anything beyond a situationship.  I valued everything about him.  I enjoyed his company.  (in retrospect i would not have gotten so completely shitfaced in front of him.  Something i rarely do)  His ways just made me comfortable, and happy.

And he lit me up sexually.  Can't forget that.  I could say he set the standard. 

But stalking isn't something i've particpated in since my ex.  I did stalk that man on social media, and via text and any way i could because my need to poke my wound was so strong.  I punished myself by wanting to know about his life without me.  Was it better? Worse? Did he miss me? Even think about me? or was I forgotten?

All very reasonable things to think, but not to act on.  So eventually, i stopped punishing myself.  It took me years.  But we had been together for 13 years, so i wont beat myself up over how i coped.  I did not bother him in his new life.

Why am i thinking about this now? Because Mr. Cigar, the guy who basically told me i wasn't "at his level", who dismissed me rudely and acted like a juvenile - a slow juvenile.....seems to have an interest in my life.  He now reaches out to me using different accounts.  I block each one as they pop up.

I have zero desire to know what he wants, or to ever hear from him again.

Go. Away.

He isn't what i thought he was and his mask came off mighty quick.  When they show themselves to you, you must believe them.  He is an ugly bitter little man.  He has hurt many women with his lies and behaviors.  He is not my problem.

BECAUSE of that, it makes me a little nervous that he keeps attempting to reach out.  No good is on his mind.  He wouldn't know how to be anything but a selfish self serving prick.  I do not like being on his mind.

So keeping an eye on that.

The audacity

 Audacity - boldness or daring, especially with confident or arrogant disregard for personal safety, conventional thought, or other restrictions. Synonyms: foolhardiness, temerity, grit, spunk, nerve.

I have Mr. Cigar blocked on all ways to reach me short of showing up at my house - which, in a way, i wish a motherfucker would.

Hearting my profile picture on facebook from a different account that has his name on it is so.....not surprising.

He probably has multiple accounts because he gets blocked on the regular. 

When i get blocked, i figure its because the person has no desire to ever hear from me, or speak to me again.  It's kind of clear to a normal person.

A psycho though, will find ways around it.

I blocked him on that account to.  Go fuck yourself.  I literally can't stand him.  A lying cheating fake of a "man"......water seeks it's level. 

I don't think he knows that i know all about him.  That i have had women reach out to me after i posted him on "Are we dating the same man" and tell me their horror stories.  I don't think he knows i was in contact with his "ex" who was not his ex.  

I'm all set, all done - he's been put into the past - But he pops back up like i'm supposed to what?  Not block him?  Does he think it's even safe to contact me?  Because this bitch choked me out without my consent and I'd love to even the score..........but i won't.  Because i'd rather just stay away from shit.

GRRRRRR.  I've never been treated so horribly, by anyone.  Not even the cheating ex boyfriend, not even the drug addicted ex husband.  

Can i pick them or what?

I was wrecked over Mr Tattoo but he never treated me badly.  Not once.  He pissed me off at the end, but he didn't lie.  He was what he was and he never acted like he was something else to use me.  But even he is in the past.  

And here i am going on a lunch date today with another possible predator. lovely.  If he has a penis he is a potential threat.  I'm sick of this.

Mr. Batts.  He is full blown 100% Italian.  My bestie who is also 100% italian is always telling me NOT to date italians.  I find that funny.  Nationality does not make the man.  But she insists.  Here's the thing - I practically grew up in her house.  I'm italian by association.  BUT i'm also a woman who has taken care of herself since the age of 16 and i'm not needing or taking any shit from a man.

I need to pay attention because he has already pushed limits and had to be put into his place. He probably thinks i'll fall to his feet because he is another successful male.  Semi-retired, full plate with friends and family- has his own home, blah blah blah.  I vetted him through friends we have in common (which obviously means nothing since i did the same with Mr. Cigar) and they all say he is friendly and social.  They have nothing bad to say about him.  The couple i met in florida when i went out for drinks with Eddie also know him and hold him in high regard.  Right in front of Eddie the woman told me he would treat me like a queen and take me all over the world......

I'd like it if he just treated me like an equal and a person he cares about.  

Why is that so hard to find.

Anyway, these Mediterranean males - the traditional ones - these are the ones i seem to get along with and consider as potential partners.  Maybe it's because they cook.

Here i am, raised myself since i was 16 with no family but my children and friends, can't cook, swears too much, fiercely independent and  opinionated....that seems like more of a clash than a peaceful union.  

Yet....i keep trying. I don't need anyone to take care of my life, but i do want someone to take care of my heart. Keep it safe.  Value it like i would value theirs. 

Since this is the last guy i spoke with on the dating site i'll see where it goes but i'm all set moving forward.  I can't do this year of dating bullshit i thought i was going to do.  I don't know how to meet men but that's fine.  I'm good.  Winter is around the corner and it will be time to cuddle down inside with my fake fireplace and a good books.

Maybe some wine. 

imposter

 I understand imposter syndrome.  Every time i have to compile a report that is for the leadership....i'm thinking "are they crazy letting me do this?"

I mean, i know i know how..........but......i just feel like an imposter.

sometimes.

And a cook.  Lately, i've been actually cooking recipes that i find so interesting. 

I've been looking at Vegan recipes because they are usually high in protein, and taste great.  This is a bean salad that i served with a Red Hot.....which is kinda funny.

I'm easily bored with cooking- so this new spurt of interest is only because i'm still losing weight and would like to keep it off- so changing how I eat will depend on finding things i really enjoy that are actually good for me.  This salad has a kick to it......and i like beans, so win win. 

Back to physical therapy and my balance is SUCK.....Stand up straight with your feet together then close your eyes.  I'm fine until i close my eyes........they, i'm tipping over.

Do it on an unstable surface.........I look drunk, and thats with my eyes open.

And I always knew i walk funny but now she is correcting me.  So strange.  Not knowing how to correctly walk after all these years of crashing around.

Simple exercises done repetitively really do make the difference, and when i see the improvement i'm so excited.  "Look at me ma, no hands!"  She must think i'm insane.   

My new trick is to walk up my front steps without HOLDING ON.  I still feel risky, like i'm going to topple over........but i do it.  

Wait till i can walk up a normal flight of stairs without holding on.  Won't THAT be a score???  

Told you, it's the little things.

I have a lunch date tomorrow.  What shall i call him?  Mr. Batts.  This is the last man i was talking to on the damned dating site before i closed my account and went on vacation.  He has hung tight.  Checked in daily while i was away, just a little text.  Cute.  I agreed to go out with him once i got back, and ....he didn't forget.  He was a little too much when i started talking to him.  I put him in his place and didn't expect to hear from him again.  But he was back the next day.  He also said the dreaded "I don't like to make plans" thing to me.  So i again, put him in his place. And now he asked properly for a date.  

He wanted dinner, i gave him lunch.  We'll see how it goes.  I admit, his flirting is getting to me.  It's been a loooooonnnnng damn time.  Over a year. Yes i've dated a lot but thats all.  Not even with Mr. Cigar.  

I am locked down, like fort knox baby.  When they don't work out, i don't have regret.  The right one will work out........and i'll probably give him a heart attack.  If he's lucky.  

Or maybe i'll jump this man regardless.  You know, keep the gears oiled.  I don't want to forget how! I'm a grown up.  I have needs.  I just wouldn't expect it to turn into anything more.  Learned that the hard way.  

Better idea to keep my heart closed, than my legs.  LOL......okay, not funny.