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run to you

 This blog is like a friend i run to whenever i have something to tell, but can't tell anyone because they will share their opinion and i don't care to hear it. 

So here i am again today.

Mr. Tattoo reached out and we had a very short text convo.

I hate that when i saw his face pop up on my screen my heart lurched.  and that I smiled.  Big and stupid.

And then i engaged.  Happily.

URGH. why do you INDULGE MB?

It is easier to talk to him now.  I'm not waiting for any confirmation of hope.  He's just a guy.  Someone elses guy. 

I've changed.  That experience changed me. I started developing self-respect and setting boundaries - I know what a quality man is and what they expect.  A quality woman.  

I was coming off my wild days, my "experience everything i possibly can so i have no regrets and i'm SINGLE dammit" faze. I did indeed have many experiences i no longer need to wonder about, or regret not trying.  The timing was wrong for us.  Again. 

I was fun for him.  I wasn't someone to be serious about.  I wasn't someone to fall in love with, or care for. 

He never said he was going to either.  So there's that.  The only reason i don't hate him i suppose.  Because i did fall.  Hard. And he moved on to someone else after telling me he didn't want a relationship.  (with me.  He didn't want a relationship with me.)  I was the good time, not the all time. 

Anyways.  He showed me what i want.  And for that i'm grateful. Even if it still makes my chest hurt.

WOW - so much has changed.  Who AM I? lol  

If not for Mr. Tattoo, I would still be playing stupid games with Mr. Cigar.  But you know what?  I've had better than Mr. Cigar, and his behavior made him NOT GOOD ENOUGH for me.  I didn't have to wonder why i was being treated poorly, or why he talked to me the way he did, or even why he keeps trying to contact me now........I didnt have to wonder why i didn't deserve to be treated like i was valued.

It had nothing to do with me, or my worth.  Mr. Cigar will always fuck with women's heads because he just wants confirmation that he is loveable, he has no capability of returning that love.  Not to anyone. He hates himself.  He only understands the drama, the conquest, the control.....that's his curse to carry.

Mr. Tattoo.......he has it in him. Maybe he's found his "one".   He doesn't enjoy hurting women but i don't think he is aware of just how easy it is for women to fall for him.  How easily i fell for him.  

Player.  Playerrrrrrrrrrr.

Handsome, soulful eyes, that voice, his taste, (both in how he decorates and how he TASTES)  that goddamned bathroom (clean and female-friendly) and the fucking candles being lit.  His big clean comfy bed in an ice cold room with hands reaching out to connect, CANDY in the living room, a stocked bar with everything i said i like to drink, and he FED me,  Laughter, silliness, thoughtfulness, tenderness. His stories, His skin under my hands.  Lets not ever forget the sex. as. if. i could.  sigh.  

Stop. That was then.  This, is now. 



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