Skip to main content

run to you

 This blog is like a friend i run to whenever i have something to tell, but can't tell anyone because they will share their opinion and i don't care to hear it. 

So here i am again today.

Mr. Tattoo reached out and we had a very short text convo.

I hate that when i saw his face pop up on my screen my heart lurched.  and that I smiled.  Big and stupid.

And then i engaged.  Happily.

URGH. why do you INDULGE MB?

It is easier to talk to him now.  I'm not waiting for any confirmation of hope.  He's just a guy.  Someone elses guy. 

I've changed.  That experience changed me. I started developing self-respect and setting boundaries - I know what a quality man is and what they expect.  A quality woman.  

I was coming off my wild days, my "experience everything i possibly can so i have no regrets and i'm SINGLE dammit" faze. I did indeed have many experiences i no longer need to wonder about, or regret not trying.  The timing was wrong for us.  Again. 

I was fun for him.  I wasn't someone to be serious about.  I wasn't someone to fall in love with, or care for. 

He never said he was going to either.  So there's that.  The only reason i don't hate him i suppose.  Because i did fall.  Hard. And he moved on to someone else after telling me he didn't want a relationship.  (with me.  He didn't want a relationship with me.)  I was the good time, not the all time. 

Anyways.  He showed me what i want.  And for that i'm grateful. Even if it still makes my chest hurt.

WOW - so much has changed.  Who AM I? lol  

If not for Mr. Tattoo, I would still be playing stupid games with Mr. Cigar.  But you know what?  I've had better than Mr. Cigar, and his behavior made him NOT GOOD ENOUGH for me.  I didn't have to wonder why i was being treated poorly, or why he talked to me the way he did, or even why he keeps trying to contact me now........I didnt have to wonder why i didn't deserve to be treated like i was valued.

It had nothing to do with me, or my worth.  Mr. Cigar will always fuck with women's heads because he just wants confirmation that he is loveable, he has no capability of returning that love.  Not to anyone. He hates himself.  He only understands the drama, the conquest, the control.....that's his curse to carry.

Mr. Tattoo.......he has it in him. Maybe he's found his "one".   He doesn't enjoy hurting women but i don't think he is aware of just how easy it is for women to fall for him.  How easily i fell for him.  

Player.  Playerrrrrrrrrrr.

Handsome, soulful eyes, that voice, his taste, (both in how he decorates and how he TASTES)  that goddamned bathroom (clean and female-friendly) and the fucking candles being lit.  His big clean comfy bed in an ice cold room with hands reaching out to connect, CANDY in the living room, a stocked bar with everything i said i like to drink, and he FED me,  Laughter, silliness, thoughtfulness, tenderness. His stories, His skin under my hands.  Lets not ever forget the sex. as. if. i could.  sigh.  

Stop. That was then.  This, is now. 



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I love ChatGPT

 I am extremely transparent with my emotions because i do not have the ability to NOT be.  My only option when i'm having any feelings is to talk in a very low, slow, monotone voice and keep my face as blank as i possibly can. Unless they mean something to me. Unless i care about them and how they treat me.  So while i'm perfectly okay with never seeing or hearing from Mr. Cigar again, in light of his true self unveiling, I am overthinking my expression of emotions to him.   I took this little conversation and put it into ChatGPT with no questions or directions and this is what i got back: This exchange captures a painful and emotionally charged moment. Your initial message was heartfelt, vulnerable, and expressed a genuine desire for connection and acknowledgment. His response, while polite on the surface, carried a sharp undercurrent of blame and finality—deflecting accountability and subtly rewriting the narrative as your fault. Ending it with “safe travels ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

Same stuff

 Nothing new to report.   I've been managing my anxiety, trying to, at least.  I know when it's kicking up and i know it's temporary.   Still doing physical therapy, walking, stretching, losing weight VERY slowly.  Not so easy to lose it at my age.  But i have an appointment in September to discuss hormone replacement and i think that may help me out with body aches and lethargy. Mr. Cigar is as busy as ever, yet always manages to make me feel important in his life.  It's been only 3 months and that shocks me a little bit.  Feels like it's been so much longer.  The pace is perfect, and it's nice to not have to make power moves with him.   I need to see my kids.  I think about them daily and know they have busy lives.  But i feel disconnected sometimes.  Same with some of my friends.  It's really hard for me to reach out.  To anyone. And i've also been enjoying my "do absolutely nothing" time. ...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »

Sunday funday

 I stayed in bed until 8am.  Yes, i was scrolling my phone, but still........i was in bed.  Also, i made coffee and brought it BACK to bed.....so yes, technically, i remained in bed until 8am. I have a hard time staying up past 9pm.  And then i can't sleep past 6:30 at the latest.  When did that happen? Yesterday, i was ready for bed by 7pm at the birthday party.   I got to hold, okay, i TOOK the 6 day old premie babie and cradled his little body for a longggg time.  I layed him in my lap so i could see him, and he could strettttttttch his tiny body.  This little boy, normally, would still be baking in the womb.......but here he is, tiny and mighty, in my lap.  His tiny hands, his tiny FEET.  OMG.  New mamma was happy to be with her family and socialize, but new daddy, stayed close.  He talked about all the things CJ does already.......sleep, eat, poop.   He is a very nice young man, very in tune with his sons wh...
Post a Comment
Keep reading »