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 It's happening again.  I knew it was coming with my apathetic attitude and road rage.  It's here.

That feeling.

I went to work this morning and could barely contain myself from crying.  I hate this feeling.  So before it got any worse, i excused myself, and came home.  And slept. and slept some more.  Now i'm up and ....quiet.  Nothing holds my interest.  I tried to watch a movie, television, read my book, looked at my paints and considered experimenting........no, nope, and nope.  

So i scrolled mindlessly and got an unpleasant shock.  I forgot to block him on instagram, and there was his face with what is supposed to be a funny look.  Not funny to me. So now i feel sick to my stomach also.  I had really hoped to never see his face again.  

I'm not usually like that.  But then, i never got choked out before either. 

That fucker. And looking at his picture i wonder to myself, how the hell does he get women?  How did he get me?  That charisma and charm .....gotta watch out for those men.

Like i did with Mr. Batts.  He made me massively uncomfortable and was super pushy.....for all i know he's a great guy.  For someone else.  I don't like repeating myself when i'm uncomfortable.  

What kind of switch up is this?  I was drawn in to my ex of 13 years because he seemed like a lone wolf.  I never felt afraid of him, but there were times i was unsafe with him.  He was an animal on the bike, with me or without me on it.  Any kind of machine his adhd would kick in and he had to test out its speed......any car, anything with an engine.  I'm surprised we didn't die.  But his quiet way of looking at me like only i existed - the way he walked, held me - took over, for a long time that kept me.   He could be charming too.  When he felt like it.

Mr. Tattoo.  I didn't feel charmed.  I felt on fire. Weird.  Maybe we knew each other in a previous life - there was some kind of "knowing" there.  I felt safe, but wild.  I felt comfort and ease - but in the end, not enough.  Or too much. 

I've dated a LOT.  I have sat with many men and heard many stories.  Some were jerks, some were very nice, some just had a lifestyle i didn't see myself being part of.  Some were boring.  Or just out to get laid.    Regardless of what their end game was, they were just average joe's like me, looking to connect with someone.

A man from facebook reached out to me last week and we talked.  The next day he asked me out to lunch.  I haven't heard from him again.  Nor have i reached out to him.

I'm pretty ...........done?  Yeah, i'm over it.  Over dating.  

For the minute. LOL.  No, for some reason i feel like it's the only thing in my life making me unhappy.......so why do it.

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