Make the change

 I have to stop feeding into my own negative mindset.

Who wouldn't feel bad when something they thought they wanted didn't come to be?

Thats life.  It's not a reflection on who i am, or what my value is.

He wasn't it.

Mr. Tattoo wasn't it.

The man who comes into my life, and stays.........he's it.  

I just haven't met him.

I turned off the dating site.  I've been in contact with a few men, and we'll see what happens or doesn't.  No investment in my part aside from giving my number when requested.

This morning i listened to a podcast talking about people who went to school to learn coding, can't find jobs now, mostly because of AI which has basically taken it over.  That retirement plan i had of being a consultant for webpages and databases......that has to be re-evaluated.  Technology moves faster than our education system, so at least i didn't invest  money into learning it.  I learn by doing.  And now i will have to learn something else.

Who knows what the world will look like in 10 years?  Maybe i will be given a ticket and my time will be up.  Maybe we'll all be so techy that we are starving.  Maybe it will be like soylant green.  I'll never forget that movie.  I think thats why tofu really gives me the willies.  I do eat it though......and i think of that movie.

What i'm saying is, i have bigger things to worry about than finding my soulmate.  In the event that he never arrives, my life will still need to be tended to minus the bliss of companionship.  

Its a shame too, because i've learned a lot over the years and i am going to make some lucky man a really good spouse.  I know when to leave someone alone, how not to feed into a fight or a mood, when to offer an opinion and how to live my life.  I'm a catch.  And i look good too.

And i'm fun.  When i get rolling, which neither man ever really got to see......i am funny as hell.  My friends love me, won't have a gathering unless i'm there, so that says something.  I make sure everyone is having fun and feels included.  I am an excellent hostess.  Just don't make me cook unless it's my idea.  People feel comfortable talking to me about personal things, and many come to me for comfort and/or advice.  

Look at my life.  And they want advice from me?  That always cracks me up.  But they are positive the right man will come, and he will be wonderful.  Because i won't accept less than that.  I sabatoge, or weed out the ones who don't hold up.  The ones who can't see past their own nose.  The ones who thought i wasn't enough. or too much.  

They aren't it.

And i remind myself that being in a relationship that doesn't feel good.........doesn't feel good.  It's awful.  I remember longing for the day where i could have my own small place and not have to worry about someone making a mess i had to clean up, or coming home and always knowing what type of mood would greet me there....my own.  Not ever being "in trouble"......i can't really remember that feeling anymore, but i remember having it and thinking "i'm too old to be in trouble"........

I want a partner who i respect, can rely on, and have fun with.  Someone i feel good around and someone who smiles when i walk into a room.  I want to share chores, and take care of each other- share thoughts that are serious and ridiculous.  I want to snuggle up to his back or touch feet while we sleep.  I want to sit quietly in the morning together and drink our coffee while the sun comes up.  And at night i want to have a drink together while we sit outside and decompress from the day.

Travel, friends, family....us together.  

Naturally, and comfortably.

and if sex is included in that, i would love that too.  But i've learned its the intimacy i crave.  Its the touch of someone who cares.  

None of it is complicated, or expensive, or too much to ask for.  But no one has asked.  

mood swings

 I feel bipolar.

But i'm at work.

This isn't about Bill as a person.  It's about what he represents.  Another failed relationship.  If i'm honest, it was mostly off more often than on.  But it felt like a relationship.

Because i cared.  When normally, i really don't.

Maybe this is my karma.  How many men have i cut off when they thought we were getting off the ground?  More than i want to admit.  When i see them getting attached, or having expectations- and i realize i could care less if i see them again........i break up with them.

But i don't drag them first.

Thats just shitty.

I got dragged.  and pulled back, then dragged again.  I LET IT HAPPEN because i believe in romance.  Or love if you want to call it that.  I don't think it just happens.  I think there is interest, and then a need to make it work.....a longing for that person in your life.  And that is love.

And i haven't had any in a long time.

Not the adult, romantic, crave me love.  Lust, yeah.  I can make men lust for me.  But love?  I don't evoke those feelings of wanting to protect me, care for me, have me in thier life.

I just don't.

And that makes me feel unworthy.

And makes me cry.

little bitch.

I prefer happy, singing, me.  Sad me sucks.

Let's go all the way

 Listened to 80's dance music on the way into work this morning and it got me all pumped up.

My teen years.  The best, and the worst part of my life.  

My first life challenge, being homeless at 16.  My first love.  My first choices as an individual - even if i was so young.

And look at me now bitches!  Look at me now.

I think i should listen to 80's dance music every morning........it brings me back and shows me how far i've come.  On my own.  Solo.

And here i am, still solo.  Still doing it.  I got rid of everyone who tried to hold me back, or hold me down. I raised two independent people who do the same.  

Now it's about what do i want next?  What am i shooting for?

Retirement is so unknown........i have no idea what the world will be like at that time.  I'm living for TODAY, striving to do my best NOW.  The future isn't something anyone should depend on.  

I just replaced the water cooler bottle in one swing.  Yeah, I did that.  

I may have been a little annoyed that someone left it dry for someone else to replace it.......but it doesn't matter if annoyance gave me a little push.  Whatever it takes.

I'm tempted.  I was thinking about this over the weekend, and i don't know if i'm talking myself into or out of a possible flirtation.......at work.  Which is a big no no.  

He's in facilities.  

He's always been extra nice, but i thought that was just how he is to everyone.  I really don't pay attention to men at work as anything other than men i work with.  But i've been looking good lately, I know i have.  And i know i carry myself differently.  I feel better.  I dress better.  I stand straighter.

And i'm noticing him noticing me and i had to wait and see if it was my imagination but i don't think it is.  We have bantered back and forth over the past year - he's good at keeping up the jokes.  I have always liked him, i just never thought of it being "liking" him.

Anyways.....i need to chew on that.  I don't like mixing it up at work with friendships or romances.  There should NEVER be any question of my professionalism.  

At the same time, i see married people who work in different departments making it happen.  And even Doctors are doing it.  In all honesty clinical staff all seem to be screwing each other in rotation......but leadership is a different ballgame. 

Stupid idea.

tempting.

but stupid.

I can just enjoy a mild flirtation because i am single and don't owe anyone my loyalty.  

Time for more tunes.

Taking myself back to the start

 Before i met Bill i was in a really good place regarding men.  Take them or leave them.  The only one that actually made any impact on me was Mr. Tattoo.  

So i had my day of soothing my wounds yesterday, eating brownies, not exercising, doing stuff around my home.  I had waves of tears, and let them come.  Get it out now darling, because tomorrow is another day.

I woke up this morning to Bill "liking" and "hearting" my pictures on FB.  And "poking" me.

Thats pretty childish.  I'm on his mind and that is the amount of effort he can give me.  If it wasn't pathetic, i would laugh.

Instead, I let me come out.  I don't care about dating rules, and how a woman is supposed to respond or not......i'm myself.  

I texted him. Lots of effort there. lol  I said "i seem to be still on your mind" to which he says "of course silly"

Playing childish games and i'm silly.    He say he's trying to be better and not trying to hurt me.  LMAO. Dude.

I said, "That's irrelevant. (his favorite word)  We know where we stand.  I'm not the one.  That means letting me go."

and he responded with exactly what i expected.  Okay i will leave you alone i apologize.

No he's not sorry.  He wants his fan girl to not forget him.

Eventually i will.  It will take time.  But i will move on because that was the choice.  I did send him one more text and told him he should ask himself why i'm still on his mind. 

He will pop up again in a few days.  He told me i'm predictable, but he's the one that is predictable.

Low effort men aren't on my list of things to do.

Besides that, my inbox is full this time around and i'm talking to a few gentlemen that actually know how to hold a conversation without calling me names or putting me down.  I may even accept a few invitations to go out.  Who knows?

however, the next time i catch a vibe like i did Friday night, i will just turn around and get back in my car.  I don't need to be polite to losers.

See?  Each date i learn.  Each man i get attached to, (two in 9 years what a streak) I learn.  They don't want me and guess what?  I survived.  It doesn't break me not to have my feelings returned.  It makes me stronger for the next man.

And more importantly, for myself. 

Just no.

 Men complain about women catfishing and i'm here to tell you.........they do the same thing.

15 year old pictures. Before the accident.  There is always and accident.

And little by little all the things come out, in the first night.  On disability (fine) lives home with mom since his divorce 11 years ago (not fine) drinks like a fish ...........

He picked Bleachers in Bristol.  Strange first date, considering the loudness, but what the hell.  I just wanted to go out.  He texted me from inside the bar, where he sat with his back turned from the door.  Strategic? He paid a cover charge to get in and ..........i tried to but my card wouldn't work in the ATM machine next to the door. So i CALLED him, watched him pick up his phone (without turning around) and i told him i couldn't get in, i had no cash.

He was irritated.

First off, i almost ran.  But i figured i was here and the band was supposed to be good.  

He had a drink already and the bartender asked me, naturally, what i would like.  He and I bantered and i tried to give him my card for a tab and he looked at Keith and said "your tab?" ....."Sure" he says.

how underwhelming.

Listen, i can have a good time anywhere.  I will find a way.  But last night was work.  

As he drank he got more handsy and literally tried to kiss me and slip in his disgusting tongue.  WTF.

I pushed him away and told him to knock it off.

By the time the band (which i enjoyed) took their first break i was ready to go.  I would have loved to stay and watch the whole show but this man was slamming down drinks and had not offered to get me another.  So i signaled the bartender and ordered another for myself.

His whole mood shifted.  Like i had shit in his cheerios.

The set ended, and i said it was time for me to go, and he signaled for the tab.  I put down my card and asked if i could go "in" and he said "that is up to you".

Gross.

I paid half just to not sit there and figure out i was paying 50 for 2 drinks and an unwelcome tongue.

FML

He could barely walk.  I aimed him in the direction of his vehicle and then i went to my car.  BYE now. 

Went home feeling like dirt.  

Cried.

got mad.

cried.

It's not Bill.  Its the idea of him.  The idea of a relationship where i can rely on the behavior of the other person.  Where I don't feel so alone.  Capable, yes.  But alone.  Happy, yes. But alone.

Kids grown. Friends with spouses. and me, alone.

Do i know this is better than being alone in a bad relationship?  yes.  i do.  I'm feeling sorry for myself is all.  it's embarrassing.

I will get over it and move on.  I might go out on more dates, but honestly......i'm reminded why these men are single.  

Hell.  I'M single because there is something about me that is too much or not enough.

I'm sad.  My heart hurts.  And this sucks. 

There are worse things in life to shed tears over. I guess i will just feel my way through to the other side, and in time i won't feel like a loser that wasted my time and energy on a troll i didn't even LIKE.  Something kept drawing us together (with NO sex!) and i tend to believe it was the devil.  No joke.

Okay.  No more dates this weekend, that is my first promise to myself.  No plans, no leaving the house.  Just stay home and reset.  Feel the feels, clean and organize or just sit and rock myself......whatever feels right in the moment.

I have a life to live and I need to get right. 

i sure pick em

 Bill stopped by and when i saw his truck pull in i met him outside.  I said "thanks for the oranges" because if this wasn't an excuse to see me i don't know what was.

AND he forgot my earrings.  I told him to chuck them.  He said he would bring them by and i told him to leave them on the doormat.

I wouldnt say i was mean.  But i'm not encouraging any ideas of staying in contact with me.  I did ask him how his date was last night.  That paused his little troll smile, ha!  He said nothing was going to change until he did.

No shit sherlock.  I told him dating women for his ego and leading them on is a trash look, and he should get his head right before messing around with womens emotions.  Someday he's going to play with the wrong one.

Then i smiled, and said "Okay, bye!" and walked away.  He laughed and i did not turn around.  Byeeee!

Then i came into the house and burst into tears.

What a mind fuck.  I will never understand men like him.  Just leave me alone.

And on that note....

Tonight was cancelled because two people have covid and jen has ear infection.  We are old people.

I told.....Keith...that i wasnt going out with friends tonight and he asked me where we should meet, not even missing a beat.

I'm going.  Im going to shower, put on makeup, smell nice, and put a smile on my face.  Life goes on.

At least we will have a good conversation.   

We can talk about cars and bikes and physical therapy.  Go me. This man doesn't deserve to have a half ass woman show up.  I'm on it.  

I feel good

 Mr Cigar contacted me through the dating site that we both jumped back on (yes i gave in).  He wants to drop off my earrings and food that he bought me (oranges and fennel because i was going to make him a salad i grew up eating) so i said fine.

If he shows up today i will be surprised.  Cheap fashion earrings i could care less about....

I might be meeting friends out tonight at a friends bar in waterbury. Its a hole in the wall dive bar called Howards.  We havent had a night out in a while and im looking forward to relaxing with friends and a few beers. Jen has an ear infection so if she isnt going i will suggest a different pace to meet this new guy

I told a man on the dating site thats what im doing tonight and he asked if he could buy me a drink? Fine, if he has the balls to show up and meet me while im out with my friends i give him props.  Its a public place, come on over. The more the merrier. 

He lives in Naugatuck, bald head.....rides.  He reminds me of Mr. Tattoo and i wonder if thats the attraction for me.

Had therapy this morning and discussed why i get attached to emotionally unavailable men. But honestly, these men can get attached, just not to me.

Their loss.

Eventually i will meet the one.  Until then i plan my life with friends and family.  They are smart enough to love me, and accept my love. 

what did i do? love myself.

 I cooked a huge meal and destroyed my kitchen.

Brocoli Rabe, sweet and hot italian sausage, penne pasta..........lots of garlic and olive oil.  Then i put the shredded parm on top.

I ate a small bowl and then looked at the mess i had created.  ewwww.

I danced.

While i cleaned the kitchen i put on my favorites playlist and danced, by myself, joyfully and with abandon.  I did this with no alcohol. No cannabis. Just relief.

I practiced gratefullness.

I admired my bright red dutch oven.  I love it.  It's so heavy and bright and it makes me happy cooking in it.  

I meditated.

Before bed and after the cleanup i sat down and pulled out my coloring books.  I picked all my favorite colors of markers and i mindlessly colored.  outside the lines.  not perfect.  I just let my mind go blank.

I took rest.

Clean Pj's, fan on, meds taken, I crawled into my comfy bed with Miyagi and I remembered to put on my cpap mask.  I listened to the stand up comedy channel for 15 minutes while i fell asleep.

I slept deeply, and with peace. 

yesterday

 I felt like i was in a marathon.  Every emotion, then having to just stop and look at the situation from the outside.

Be done.

Of course, it couldn't just end peacefully- i shouldn't have expected that from him.  There was a conversation which ended with me hanging up on him and promptly blocking him everywhere.

The difference with blocking is that for me, it's permanent.  For him, it was used as a tool to punish.  Then he would unblock and reach out.  Childish.

He is back to stalking his ex in the hopes of a reconciliation. You never know what you are getting involved with when you start dating a new person but addictions ALWAYS come out in the wash eventually.  Some people thrive on drama.  I'm not one of them.

Focus needs to be on my continued success with weight loss, physical activity and promotion at work. Boring, not exciting or entertaining, yet highly satisfying.  For me. And thats all i care about now.  

My new boss (i just keep getting more and more of them)  will be making a lot of changes that will require a lot of work. (waving) I am excited and flattered that I am the person he literally demanded to work with when he took the position. i'm ready. Bring it. I'm all yours! and yours, and yours.......

Last night I slept like a rock.  A deep calm restful sleep.  I wouldn't have expected that after the day i had. But after work i did walk around my neighborhood enough to equal 2 miles so maybe that helped. i realized how much nicer it is to take a walk at my own pace and enjoy my surroundings..I spoke to a couple of very curious 10 year old girls about my "tiny dog" who wasn't even with me.  So many people in my neighborhood walk around every night on the "fart walk".   I feel like i am part of my community when i walk at the same time.  It's nice to be seen, and recognized as part of the neighborhood.  Some  people have negative opinions about where i live, in an apartment complex, but this is my home.  I chose it, and i have grown to love it.  Especially when i feel lonely. 

They might notice if I disappear and care enough to check on me. Thats the kind of neighborhood i grew up in.

I cannot understand why my arms hurt so much.

Stepped on the scale and lost more pounds.  woot!  Maybe that slinky dress i bought for the cruise will actually fit me by January.  I just want to rock that thing so hard!  I will look AMAZING.  I bought two slinky dresses actually- one is completely white.  Shows every little bump and jiggle i own.......so i will need to use that as my motivation to exercise and tighten up.  (along with some expensive undergarments!)

I'm looking at the cruise as my "coming out" party.  I will be 58, and in the best shape of my life so far.  I want to strut my stuff and feel that confidence again.  And i will.

So back to focusing on tangible goals that have nothing to do with a male.  I was so tempted to hop on a dating site but i realized ..........i don't want to.  It was a retaliation move, like "look at me you putz" BUT i don't need to play stupid games because i am disapointed.  It's not fair to anyone i might date.  Unlike Mr. Cigar, I wouldn't drag an unsuspecting person into my personal drama.  Its not nice. 

I actually felt wonderful this morning getting ready for work knowing there would be no phone call.  He had become inconsistent so i could no longer rely on that call which took all the joy out of it and made it stressful instead.  I would rush through my shower in case he called.  I only just realized it this morning, while i took a long luxurious shower with no stress. No disappointment over not having a phone call.  I like my mornings to myself- i had made room for him in my rituals, and he didn't appreciate it.

Enough.  I don't have to hate him.  He will be back with his ex AGAIN in no time.  I am sure of this.  I am also sure that once he has her again, he will treat her the same as he always has. I hope she has grown out of him and moved on for her sake.  She knows better than I do how he operates, so i'm sending her "be strong" vibes.  I don't wish him on any woman at this point in his life.

its been a day

 Yeah.......he is blocked on all social media and on my cell phone.  He cannot contact me again when he cycles through his emotions.  If i didn't block him, he would be back.

And i would be watching his page.  And i don't need that temptation.

What a disappointment.  I didn't fall one time but several.......for this crap.

I am no longer a pick me girl, I don't feel like i have to be chosen to be happy.

To be chosen by the right man, yes.  

He ain't it.

these games.

I'm tired.

Please let me have learned my lessons.

Let someone from my past come back to me, ready to love.  ready to have a life with me.

someone who wants my love.

Because no more new men with secret hangups.....

i did it.

 3rd or 4th time breaking up?  I lost count.

But this time I did it, and i mean it.  I won't be the backup girl. He can't give me what i need.

And he agrees.

So that was easy.

for him.

ha. From a weekend where i felt like we had come so far to breaking up.......AGAIN.  Thats not toxic at alllllllllllll.  I'm off the rollercoaster.

I'll be the one that got away.  I love hard and i'm loyal.  There are so many good qualities about me and all a man has to do is love me. Expecting to have my feelings returned after months of cat and mouse isn't asking for too much. Expecting that someone be over their ex before dating me isn't a lot to ask for.  It's not asking for enough.  That is about to change.

I'm holding it together because i'm at work but i had to say something because i dont want him to continue calling me, or reaching out. Once again i gave myself to a man who didn't want me.  I'm seeing a pattern.  And i'm seeing myself as the common denominator.  

I'm done.

I choose love over chaos.  If that love ends up being only for myself,  then so be it.  That is enough.

This is the second time i've broken up with someone i care for to save myself.  Maybe it will get easier.

Maybe i won't fall for men who don't prove themselves to be worthy first.  That is my next goal to reach: Don't give my feelings to someone who hasn't shown they deserve them.  No more trauma bonds.  

I can feel the pressure in my neck and shoulders dissipating as i write this.  My body knows.  My brain knows.  And now my heart knows.  It's finally catching up and being a team player.  But i'm inexcusably sad that i tricked myself again.  

He isn't the one.  Not even close.  I will survive this temporary sadness and then i will go back to my peace.

Thats one point for me. 

The second point is that i began to reach out to Mr. Tattoo and i stopped myself.  What would be the reason? The fact that i even pulled his number up should be enough to slap me. STOP poking the wounds MB.  We have some healing stuff to do instead. 

So i'm getting it.  Yay. Me. 

no focus is bad

 I need to focus on me and whats good for me.  

This man will continue to call and reach out because i have become a safety blanket.  I don't want that job. He is going to have to heal from his ex on his own or start paying me for counseling services.

Men are just plain stupid.

He doesn't have feelings for me if he is still hung up on her.  It's that simple.  I have to be done.

He stresses me the fuck out.

Relationships should be a comfort, should be easy.  Or shouldn't be at all.  My need to be chosen is wasting my time and blocking my direction.

Maybe i will go tonight.  And we will have this talk. And i will go home. 

I don't want a man who doesn't care if i'm present or not.  Fuck his phone calls.

I will be sad, and then i will have peace.  I won't have to wonder when she's coming back, because she will.  I don't have to worry who he will chose, because i already know. I've left a 20 year relationship with two young children and i've healed from being cheated on in my 13 year relationship.  This should be a CAKE WALK.

Toxic bonds are strong bonds.

I must do this for myself.

My last PT appointment today and I gave her a little thank you gift.  She helped me adjust my new walking sticks (for trails) and taught me how to properly use them.  I have to use them on flat ground until i am completely used to them.  This morning, i joined the gym at work and i just got the confirmation email that says i'm official.  My card will now open the door 24/7 no excuses.  

I'm doing this for myself.  

My PT therapist and i were joking around and she told me i can't hit anyone with my sticks.  Took all the fun out of it.  Then i said i'm going to start drinking raw eggs for protein, like the body builders do because i HATE eggs now.  She said no, i would die from Sal manella and i said "we all got to go sometime" I thought we were gonna pee our pants She said thats not the way to go.  I said "as long as i'm hot, i don't care"

And I realized it's true.  I just want to be the best version of myself once in my life.  I started late, but i will get there.  

Protein and water, no hitting anyone with sticks, and exercise......and no fucking avoidant little bitches. 

I've got shit to do.  I don't have time for games.  

I don't listen

 to myself, or anyone else.

I just go full bore into situations I know are not for me.

half of me understands this is trauma, that i identify with the feelings, that they are familiar, and yes, exciting.

the other half has grown out of the drama and just wants peace.  Peace alone, or with someone, but peace. This half doesn't find it entertaining or exciting - this half understands relationships that start like this end like this.  

And yet, i keep siding with the familiar.  I KNOW better.   I know that while i'm over here playing games with this man I could be living a joyful, peaceful life alone, making myself available to the right man.

Okay here's the fuckery in my brain - What if i hadn't drawn a line with Mr. Tattoo?  What if i had happily kept going to his house when he called?  What if i had just enjoyed him and not tried to keep him?  Would we have eventually just ended up together by accident?  Or would he eventually grow bored with having sex with the same women he didn't have any feelings for?  

Do feelings grow and over time you nurture them to bloom?

Or are they just there.  or not. 

What do healthy people feel when they fall for someone? 

I had a crush on my husband in high school.  We would see each other in the hall between classes and he would make direct eye contact with me and smile.  I felt fuzzies every time i saw him.  Then he graduated and i thought that was it.  His brother died that summer, and my mother asked me if i knew the family.  I wrote him a letter because i was away- and he wrote back.  When i returned, we continued to write until November.  We had our first date on Thanksgiving.  It all just happened.

I met my ex, Wolf, through a friend while i was still living with my husband, but had asked for a divorce and was having the police called on me nightly for just coming home.  I tried to stay away from home to avoid the nightly police visit and spent time with my friends from work.  One of them told me i needed a "distraction" and showed me wolfs picture on a website we were both on "hot or not"........we started talking and eventually met one night when i went out with my gf.  We kissed. I hadn't felt that feeling in YEARS, and i had forgotten what it was like.   

That was it.  I moved out about 2 weeks later, after a summer of collecting furniture at flea markets and tag sales and storing all the stuff to restart my life with two children by myself.  I honestly didn't think anything of Wolf during that time- i was too busy and too scared.  He actually called me the day i was moving out and apologized for not having called me sooner.  I told him i couldn't talk, i was moving.

I remember clearly thinking i didn't have time for this guy. 

And 13 years later, with many ups and downs and tears - it was over.  With nothing to show for it.

I have thrived since then.  The pain and depression actually forced me to thrive.  I've done nothing but better since we broke up.  

But i still can't pick the right man.

OR maybe there were right men and i was just asking too much too soon.  Maybe my need to be loved is scary to them.

I am the one that runs hot or cold.  On or Off.  I see that.  I see that i don't make my life easy with men.

Mr. Cigar wants me over for tacos tonight because i've been talking about tacos all week. I might go.  I haven't gotten through this day yet.  I don't know if i will feel like chin up, or stay home and just cry.

I do have to make a choice.  And stick to it.  I've given him too much power that hasn't been earned.

What am i doing

 When i enter Mr. Cigars house, it's through the garage.  At the top of the steps, before you enter the door lies a specialty doormat, that has his and his ex's likeness and names as "dog parents".  When you enter the house, it's in the kitchen where on the cabinet is a yellow sticky note.  A love note, from his ex.  Still there.

And every time i see it, i wonder, what am i doing here?

And then i ignore it. Because it's easier.

Tonight, we had an serious conversation, not common, and it led down the path i knew it was leading to eventually - the acknowledgement that he isn't over her. (duh) even if he knows they are over.

mmmhmmm.

We rehashed our first time dating, and the first time breaking up.  

And the second.

And tonight, i think i broke up with him.  Not in an angry way, but in a way that protects me from whatever it is he is going through.  I have no desire to be rebound girl. 

It took me YEARS to get over my ex.  It may take Mr. Cigar years.  Or not.  And that isn't something i can control.  All i can control is myself.  And take care of myself.  

I never wanted another friend.  Our relationship has been so combustible from the start.  But i keep going back for more, because there is something there.  He comes back for......whatever his reasons are.  But i honestly feel that after all these months if he doesn't know how he feels about me.......it's a no brainer.

I'm not about to fall for someone who is still holding on to his ex.  

He's not going to magically heal and fall in love with me.

Thats not how life works.  If he was going to develop feelings, he would need to be over her first.  I've already overstayed.

No anger, but yeah, some hurt feelings.  I could have avoided this had i just paid attention to the signs right in front of my face.  He doesn't want to break up, but thats because he wants to forget someone he hasn't let go of.

I deserve a love of my own.  And hanging around with men who fall short of that isn't going to help me get there.  

He pisses me off , challenges me, scares me sometimes.......but after this weekend i can see myself softening and feelings stirring.

Now is the time to get out.  There should only be two people in my romantic relationship.  And this one is too crowded.

Full switch

 This weekend started out like most others.  I work from home on fridays and this allows me to switch off laundry and do some basic chores while i'm on calls.  Multi tasking at its finest.  Fridays are my "busy" days because i'm trying to get all the weeks left over stuff off my desk, and plan for the next week.

Mr. Cigar went out to lunch with an old friend (translated to old lover) and her cousin who were visiting from out of state.  We had not made plans to see each other, and we didn't.  Friday was a chill night for me and i went live on tiktok and ended up in a group on someone elses page chatting away.  More new friends.  It was fun.  

Saturday i was supposed to be going to a shenanigans gathering but the host this time fell ill and needed to cancel.  Unfortunately, i have a LOT of appetizer meatballs that everyone loves.....i hope i can freeze them or i will be eating them all week.  When plans got cancelled i let Mr. Cigar know and he invited me to meet him at his place later to go out for dinner.

He likes it when i dress up.  He also takes pride in how he dresses which is very nice.  So i took the time to glam it up a bit.  It didn't matter where we were going honestly.  I just enjoy giving him what he wants.  So i wore a beautiful button down silky blouse that i've been wanting to wear, slim cut dark wash jeans (that fit perfectly) and my leopard booties with the kitten heals.  Casual, but "more". 

He took me to DeFrancos Restaurant in Litchfield, where we sat outside and enjoyed the beautiful weather.  A very casual place, however the pricing.......jesus.  We shared an appetiser of broccoli rabe (my favorite) and had shrimp and scallops for the main.  For a "casual" place, the food is top notch.  He was attentive and complimentary- i was relaxed and enjoyed myself.

He paid the bill, as he has been every time he has taken me out this round.  Now, i do not expect this, but our first go around was less than satisfactory - He really was a miserable fuck.  He is still the same smart ass man, quick with a comeback, but he feels different.  That anger isn't there, that sparking tension that always made me on guard is gone.  He still busts my ass but the meanness isn't present.

I'm still watching.

I don't want to make this something it isn't.  Or get smacked in the face with reality.  Time takes time.  

We went back to his house and played with the boys then sat our full bellies down in front of the television to watch the news on several channels - which i really like.  We don't agree on everything but the important things........i like that he watches more than one channel and calls out the descrepencies on all....like i do.  The news is a reality tv show, scripted for views.  On this we agree 100%.  So it's kind of fun picking on the content and postulating on what is really happening.

It was getting to the time i usually leave and he asked me if Miyagi had eaten before i came over, which i confirmed, wondering why he would ask such an odd thing. Then he asked me if i would stay.  

I haven't ever stayed over.  Once, i fell asleep because we had been drinking and stayed until 2am but left. He has never invited and i have obviously never asked. I like that he considered Miyagi.  I said yes, but i would need to leave very early because i haven't ever left him that long.  

We went upstairs to bed, where we talked and laughed and ........went to sleep.  slobs.  I had a hard time sleeping because big dogs in a silent house are very loud.  Of course they chose to groom their balls in the middle of the night.......lord.  At one point i woke up and there were two massive heads on  the bed next to each other just staring at me.  I was startled and when i squeeked, they were delighted and thought it was time to play.  I told them sternly, go lay down. and........they did.

i have taken them both outside in their yard (5 acres mind you) and walked around with them off leash by myself.  Cane walks the perimeter, and waits for me to catch up, then carries on.  Abel stays close but wanders........We have never come across an animal, or person and i don't know what will happen if that happens.  They listen to me because they choose to, i'm not pretending i have any actual control over these massive beasts. Mr. Cigar is the pack leader and when he is around their eyes are on him at all times. Let's face it, i'm the fun one.  

One day we were sitting on the living room floor seeing how flexible Mr. Cigar can be (discussing yogo classes) and Cane came and sat down in my lap.  Mr. Cigar yelled at him and then told me that was a power move and not to allow it.

I thought he was crazy.

But i looked it up.  It is dominance after all.  And here i thought he just liked me and wanted to cuddle.  Mr. Cigar does not allow them up on the couch with us unless he invites them to their spots.  Listen, i'm still traumatized over the dog walking freak out that he had on Abel.......but there is a small voice in my brain that reminds me he has total control over these bully dogs. Two of them.  And he's not a big man, although his energy is huge.  

I'd still never be able to treat a dog that severely, and that is why I have a 5 lb dog.  He caters to their food, and they are definitely well taken care of.........maybe i was wrong about the walking episode, but i still hated it. It still scared the shit out of me.  And him yelling at me not to touch the "fucking dog" still pisses me off.  BUT. They aren't my dogs.

We woke up extremely early and had coffee - the day before he had said he wanted to take me to lunch to meet some friends of his, a couple, that he shoots with.  So while we were talking about that he asked if i would come back earlier and go shopping with him before we went to lunch.  

Who is this man.

What the fuck is happening here?

This is how i've experienced relationships in the past.........doing stuff together, the daily stuff of life.

What is this trap??????  Ha.  thats me being "negative".......and i'm kidding.

It felt normal, easy and right.

I went home took Miyagi for a walk and spent some time with him - showered, picked an outfit for later and went back to his place.

We went grocery shopping - then came back to the house and i went outside with the dogs while he unpacked the loot. This, may have been one of my favorite moments, where i could see this as a normal saturday together.

But i'm watching.

Now is the fun part - We got ready together.  Usually it's me getting ready and the guy has put minimum effort into his appearance and is waiting for me.  Not Mr. Cigar.  We shared the space in his master suite bathroom and he groomed while i made up.......he dug into my makeup bag for tweezers and this sounds strange to me, but i had fun getting ready with him.  We checked each others outfits, he asked my opinion on sports coats......he fixed my zipper in the back.....we admired each others choices and complimented each others appearance.  

I don't know how to explain this.......i've never had that.  And i liked it a lot.  

Then we took the hour long ride to the Black Rabbit restaurant in Lakeville, CT.  It was very casual so the sports coat stayed in the car, but i reminded him that it was better to be over dressed then underdressed.....We looked good. I of course, had all black on,  which fits in anywhere.  His friends were an extremely nice couple - She is very italian with the beautiful accent and spicy personality - he is very handsome and charming - their vibe was funny and easy.  I enjoyed myself and i believe they liked me too.  

I have to say this because I was nervous and felt a little stupid for being nervous.  Not because they had to like me as Mr. Cigars friends, but because these people are extremely wealthy.  Extremely.  Way out my understanding of wealth kind of wealthy.  

And they were funny and nice just like us normal folk. Who would have thought.

It was a lovely weekend - exactly how i would imagine a life together should be.  Meeting up with friends, doing chores, sharing life together not completely separate in the same area but not up each others ass either.

Wish me luck.

Watch

 I'm stable and reliable........until it comes to men.

I have a girlfriend who i love dearly, and we both agree that she is extremely high maintenance.  She is a LOT.  And she has no luck with dating.  Even before she had her daughter she had nothing but drama in her love life.  

I'm starting to think thats me too.

I don't have drama with my friends or family.  Glitches once in a while, but never full out drama or confusion over our "status". 

When i'm single, there is literally no upset.  Even with work, and with uncertainty with life in general.....no personal drama.

Enter a man and i lose my mind. 

Am i controlling?  over myself, yes.  Am i negative? yes, when the situation is clearly negative.  But i'm also the one that always finds the bright spot.  I can always find the positive outcome from a shit situation.

Unless it's with a man.

Why.

I notice when something slips, when something has changed.  When things don't add up.  The problem is I voice it, and then they get defensive.  

What have i learned from previous experience?  When a question is avoided, or met with defensiveness or deflection........something is up.  Otherwise, a straight answer would be delivered.

So i watch.  And my guard goes up a little more instead of going down.  And i start to care a little less about the outcome, because me?  I'm not a fan of the unknown, or the unsure.

Good bad or ugly.......if he doesn't make it known where i stand with him, then i am not a priority.

Good to know. 

Keep walking

 Yesterday in physical therapy she added straps, and made it more difficult, but manageable......so i'm improving.  Then she told me to slow down on another excersize, or she would add wieghts to it if it was so easy.

I love her.  I have come a LONG way with her.  Am i moving like a 30yr old? No.  But i am 60% more mobile than i was when i started with her.  I'm ordering her a little gift for my appointment next week because it is going to be my last.  And i'm sad.

She suggested that if i am going to continue walking on trails (i told her a trail through the woods is part of my 3 mile walk sometimes) that i get walking sticks.  Mr. Cigar made fun of me when i told him, but i'm doing it.  I want to walk trails with confidence.  

So much of my problem is in my head.  Imagine living 57 years and the first part of your life you are called clumsy constantly and screamed at not to run! It has an impact.  But when i realized just how much of my mobility i had lost in recent years, i decided to get back on track.  

And here we are.  Improving.  And wanting to do better each time.  Mr. Cigar is a slave driver, and he says i don't expect enough of myself, that i need to keep pushing.  I am, but at my own pace.  He is a runner, and i am not.  We are not  the same.  He does motivate me though............even if sometimes so he will just shut up.  Getting a compliment out of him is impossible.  So i will pat myself on the back for my achievments so far.

I'm proud of me.

Yesterday while we were walking he was telling me about some of his female friends.  Hmmm.  Noted.  I have learned to listen to what men tell me and not share my opinion if its negative.  But i can here! LOL

They sound like a bunch of drunks.  Oh, what fun.  

Not that I don't drink and party with my friends, but i'm not going to one of the guys house by myself and getting lit up with him.  That sounds sketch.  Sorry.  I definetly COULD, but why?  I don't like that.  I didn't like it when the ex did it, and i'm not overjoyed that any man i date would go spend an evening with a female friend drinking together at her house.

Nope.  Sketch.

Funny thing is, if the shoe was on the other foot, he would NOT like it and it would get LOUD.  

smh.

Yesterday he said a few things that made me say "do men share a handbook on the stupid bullshit they need to say to women?"  And he looked shocked.

So they do?  Because i've heard some of this stuff before from other men.  And i didn't believe it then either.

After our hour walk i gave him a kiss and went home.  It's a work night.  I've been just walking with him this week.  I am getting to know him better, and vice versa.  There doesnt need to be any sexy time involved.  I'm actually avoiding it.  

This is new for me.  Spending time with a man (almost every day) and doing something physical that isn't sex.  I like it.  It's good for me.  I don't think he likes that i leave immediately but we accomplished what i came to do..........walk.  Plus i want to go home and shower.

Maybe someday he will catch on and suggest i shower at his place.  Or not.  I'm not handing him the keys to my castle.  Figure it out.

He said i could be "so hot" but i have to keep excersizing.......oh?  I told him that was his opinion, that many men already find me hot.  The look. And then i said "do you think i'm doing this for mens opinions?  I work out for myself, so I feel better.  Not for men"

More negging.  Also noted. One thing i can say is that no mans opinion of me will make me be down on myself.  Where one doesn't like me there are 10 that do.  So........don't play with me. 

Work is getting interesting and has been in the news.  Lots of good changes coming up hopefully.  

My way

 Limp Bizkit has been hitting me hard lately- heard "My Way" on the way into work this morning and it hit right. It also brought up a random memory from years and years ago.  When i was a badass.

When i left my husband I went a bit wild.  All those years of being an old lady in a young womans body came back with a vengeance.  I once went on 5 dates in one day.  All coffee dates....i was completely wired for the next 3 days.  

I had a lot of men interested in me.  I was in my 30's, skinny, wreckless and I did not care who you were or what you had.....i wanted fun.  I was ready for good times.

Yes, i had met my next relationship already, but he was on again off again (sound familiar?) and he wasn't looking for anything serious and neither was I.  Getting tied down was the last thing i wanted, i told myself.  Freedom was the ticket to ride.

One night i went out with a co-worker to the Red Dog Saloon, a local biker bar.  She was meeting her boyfriend, a Nomad, and they had a friend of his they wanted me to meet.  I was about it.  Biker, means bike.  Bike means rides and fun.  

This memory came up because of the song, "my way"........i had a Harley barely there tshirt on that said something to the effect of "my way or the highway" and this man had a big problem with it.

He was cute.  Bad boy.  Probably associated (not yet a big no no for me) and a wee bit scary I suppose.  I was in my "you don't scare me" phase, and I was nonchalant when talking wth him. He told me he didn't like my shirt.  I said I didn't much care what he liked or didn't like.

It wasn't a match.

No sense of humor has always been  a big turn off to me.  And the inability for a big scary biker man to come up with something quippy in return? ewww. Sorry, the dumb ones are a turn off.

I've never been into dumb. 

Apparently i enjoy assholes.  But i draw the line at dumb ones.

Then i started thinking, wondering, where did she go?  Where did that woman who could care less about any mans opinion go?  Was it because i basically had my pick if i showed interest?  Was it because i was too tired and broken down by marriage that the idea of caring was just too much?

Or was i given a second chance and i squandered it.

It didn't take long to fall for Wolf, (my ex's nickname when i wrote about him all those years ago).  He looked scary, but he was smart.  Quietly smart.  Ashamed of smart........like it wasn't fitting his persona. But i saw it.  And i fell for him, and all the drama associated with that relationship, without hesitation.

Is that what is happening now?  The familiar cat and mouse game? Who is hunter who is prey?  Am i overthinking as i usually do?  What is drawing me to this man?  He's not very nice.  He has a violent nature, when he drinks he is an unbearable twat, and he thinks he knows everything about everything.

He makes me speechless with anger sometimes.  

And he makes me laugh like a loon. Listens to and dissects music with me.  Discusses business with me like i understand and have something of value to offer with my thoughts. 

He has been successful in motivating me to move, to push, to stop telling myself "i cant'.  

He never has anything sweet to say.  NEVER.  He is a ball buster supreme.

He is obnoxious.

And i see inside him.  

I'm wasting my time, or investing it.  I'm what he needs and he's what i need, or we are toxic.  I can't tell from one day to the next.

What i AM sure about is I'm not losing myself to suit him.  Thats where the conflict always comes in.  I'm not regressing into peaceful little mouse to tame the lion.  "to keep the peace"

Fuck that.

Miss "my way" is a bit much for my age - but she's still there inside me.  I'm still a badass in my own way.  I can still walk away when i know a situation has been bled dry.

I wonder how i can feel so differently about two men who are on complete opposite ends of personality. The last time i felt FEELINGS for a man it was Mr. Tattoo and i still have inklings of regret and longing, and all that with barely knowing him.  He hit all the right spots.  He made me happy.

And Mr. Cigar makes me crazy.  He pisses me off to no end. And i keep coming back for more, as does he.  If not one, then the other- we keep ending up back in each others presence.

Make it make sense. 

but why tho

 After work i walked for three miles.  With Mr. Cigar.

I know.

What the hell is this love/hate situation.  

He said "are you ready to go walking?" and i said, "meet halfway walk path" and that was that.

Selfish? Stupid? Glutton for punishment? death wish?

Or, i knew i would walk three miles at a good clip because he would gode me into it- and i don't do that by myself.  That motivatation means the world to me.  I have to do this if I am going to continue to lose wieght and if i am going to increase my mobility.

Thats a sorry ass excuse.  I would say that to someone in my shoes.

We have never slept together.  Just pointing that out.  There is no dickmatized going on here.  

Was i comfortable walking with him? No.  He's a slave driver.  He forces me to keep pace, not slow down.  He's more of a sadistic coach than a romantic interest.  

Whats in it for him?  

We talk about money, retirment, life........He tells me i walk "sloppy" and corrects me.  He walks with a cigar.  And i enjoy my back aching and the sweat poring out of me as he stays cool as a cucumber.  That fucker.

"Feel my back".........no sweat.  Meanwhile, i'm drenched.  He says, good.  Keep sweating.  Move.  And i do.

I try to correct my walking, and it slows me down, then he complains.  I did the whole three miles without complaint and i didn't feel like i was going to die.  I could breath. My back hurt and my legs did not. I have 2 more visits with my physical therapist and she said she would show me core excersize for strength.  My legs are definelty stronger but not enough.  My balance had definetly improved, but not enough.  

My idea was that this year i would be the best version of myself.  It's slow work.  But i'm seeing results.

Part of me wants to accidentally see Mr. Tattoo so he can see how far i've come and make him wish he had kept me.  I know, or i don't think, it had anything to do with my appearance, but .......i'm looking good.  And i'm not near done. Maybe i would be public worthy now. 

I like pain, apparently. I like to remind myself that i wasn't it for him.  I have to let that go. It's ridiculous.

So Mr. Cigar.  Why can't we stay away from each other.  I have nothing to offer him.  he has it all.  And yet he is filled with rage.  with pain.  He says he's not.  He definitely is.  He is a walking ball of rage and he does have a drinking problem.  I don't care how much he denies it.

I won't be around him if even a drop of that behavior is taking place. Yes, i will leave, no, i will not feel bad about it.  I'm not anyone's punching bag.  If i'm not driving , i can call uber.  Don't think i won't.  I am really good at leaving.  I've learned.

If i don't like a situation, or i feel unsafe, i have no qualms about vacating the area.  

I don't know why im in contact with him but i am.  I have left many a man over the years without thinking twice about it.  What makes him different?

I see myself in him.  I identify.  Shit, thats what scares me. 

And i have fun with him. We never lack for anything to talk about, debate, learn from each other. I dont like all of him.  I sure as hell do not.  But there is a lot that i do.

And i can't seem to stop.  Maybe i'm sick.  

My therapist said if he choked me once he will choke me again.

That keeps going through my head.  Is she being extreme or am i being an idiot. Or both. 

Those people in the news..........i'm sure it wasn't always bad.  

I am meant to learn something.  I have no idea what, but i am drawn to him almost against my will.  Why. 

too short

 Yesterday i went to a wake for a close friends mother.  She was in her 90's and she wasn't always kind to my friend.  

During the last year of her life she required assistance from her children and my friend took on most of the care, due to being closest. They had time to bond, after all these years.  It was a beautiful thing, to have my friend shown love and appreciation after all the years of never being good enough.

Everything happens for a reason.  Life makes us stronger, or it gets the best of us.  Many times both depending on the day.

After the wake i went to my besties house because she was having some of her girlfriends over and was kind of mad i didn't plan on going.  So i went.  I've worked with all these ladies and i like all of them.  We all sat nibbling on charcuterie and snacks, catching up, laughing.  Women need to do this more often.  It's healing.

My bestie talked about a situation she is going through with one of her kids.  She said "fuck" a lot (totally out of character for her) and looked to me to support what she was saying because it sounds crazy.  But it really is happening.  She got the advice and support she needed, and more over, the room to vent and be understood.  All of us mothers.  We get it.  

I came home and as i was getting ready to wind down for the day, thinking about all the women in my life and how lucky i am to have such a strong network.......i rememberd my ring.  I had taken it off at Mr. Cigars house, and put it on top of this fancy cooler thing in his seasonal room because i didn't want it to pinch as i was walking the dog .....damn it all to hell.

I left it there.

Leave it.

I can't.

so i text him that i left my ring, that it is important to me and i'd like to get it back.  Short and sweet, he said he found it and no problem.

This reminds me of having to go to Mr. Tattoos and get my stuff.  How bad do i want this ring back?  It was a gift. I want it back.

I have to figure out how to get it without going to his house, and hopefully without having to see him at all.  The attraction is undeniable, but so is the dysfunction.  He makes sure i know he's in the world - why is my question.  Rather than feeling all emotional and reactionary- i feel pretty calm this time around.  It's not going to work.  

We can think of each other constantly, be attracted and want to be around each other - but his inability to take accountability for his actions, his anger.........his drinking.......is the reason it will never work.  I don't have to cut him out, hate him, or feel anything about it.  When he is sober he is what i want- but he isn't always sober.  And when he drinks he isn't just a jerk, he is dangerous.  And the things he does, wether he is drunk of not.........are bad.  Being drunk isn't an excuse.  

So the games of liking my posts or sending me "eyes" or "poking" me.........none of that matters.  Yes, he is in my mind, but not in the way he wants.  Yes, i'm sad it did't work out, but I feel relief not to have to wonder which Mr. Cigar i was seeing that day.  I like my peace.  I deserve safety at all times.

Life is too short.  

Just do it

 I was so tempted yesterday to go back and forth with Mr. Cigar.  To argue.  

For what.

I controlled my instinct to fight.  Because i don't want the prize.

Yes, i want to have the good parts, the parts that felt right - but the temper, the violence, the downside was way too much.  Maybe this is how it is in DV situations.  The good part is really good.  and then there's the other.  

I have no doubt in my mind that if i carry on with that man I am going to get physically hurt.  What i saw him do.....not out of controlling the dogs, but pure rage.......no i don't need to see more.

And the worst part is that the dogs don't have a choice.  He caters to them, special diets that require a lot of work on his part, they spend the day with him, are rarely home alone, but the flip side is what i saw.  I get that they need a firm hand because without it, they would be dangerous.

But i'm also not new to dogs, which is exactly why i have a 5lber. I grew up around German Shepherds and those dogs will fight to death for their owners.  Treat them wrong, and you have a dangerous dog.  Treat ANY dog with violence and you have the potential for a dangerous dog.  Training them does NOT involve slamming them  to the ground, or kicking, or HANGING them.  THAT is a loss of control, the exact opposite of control. 

Abel needed direction, and that is what i was asking Mr. Cigar for.  The previous day i had walked Abel down the road with a woman jogging and yes he was interested, but I was able to divert his attention with a quick pull on his leash. He was actually quite good with me.  But yesterday the vibe was different and i felt out of control - which you cannot be with a dog that size and breed.  Me asking for assistance should not have been a huge scene.  It's what a responsible person does.  Ask for assistance when needed.

I have gone over that scene in my mind 10,000 times trying to find my fault.  Where i caused it.  Because that would excuse him.  But there is no excuse.  I have also considered that the reason he didn't want to kiss me is that he had been drinking and i would smell it.  It would explain the complete personality change from earlier in the day.  

Is there a good man in there?  I no longer care to find out.  Maybe he'll dry out, go to therapy, get right in his head and be a wonderful partner for someone else.  

Or maybe i'll see him on the news.

Meanwhile- I will acknowledge that it's difficult to let the good part of him go.  The man who motivated me, walked with me, encouraged me, took me to nice places, talked to me about his life and business, the man who is driven and successful.  

Feeling safe with someone is more important than anything else.  

I don't think this will be like last time, where I felt depressed as if something huge had been missed and it was my fault.  I was given a second chance to prove i was correct.  And it didn't take long, did it.  

I didn't block him this time, on anything.  I can let it go.  What he posts or does or sees does not concern me.  I don't need to protect myself.  I won't be responding to messages that i know will come eventually.  No hate.  Just, a conscious decision to do better for myself. 

apology

 I'm a believer in accepting apologies.

But they need to match whatever the apology is for.

This morning i woke up to a text message - basically telling me to accept his apology because he never used to do even that.

Oh, my fluttering heart.  How fucking romantic and grown up.

I ignore it, thinking, more must be coming.

nope.

Here is the clear structure of a GENUINE apology:

Acknowledgment- state clearly what you did or said that caused harm.

Responsibility: Own your role without excuses or deflection

Expression of regret: communicate genuine remorse

Impact recognition: Show how you understand how your actions affected the other person.

Amends/ Repair: Offer to make things right, or change behavior

Commitment to change: Explain how you'll do it differently in the future.

Extra step, Invitation: give the person space to respond.

Not everyone is raised the same.  I've been on my own since 16 with no adult influence beforehand aside from my fathers advice on boys......And i figured it out.  You have to want to do it. 

My response just now to his early text apology was:

Your anger is huge and your apology is weak.  Not impressed.  Have a good day. 

I think we both may enjoy the drama of the back and forth.  This must be the childish draw i have to him.......i'm familiar with this behavior.  

But i have moved into my adult period in life, where peace is more important to me.  That is the difference.  All these "feelings" are exhilarating and make me feel excitement.....because its base.  It's juvenile.  And its beneath me and what i deserve.

This acceptance of his initial apology in person last Sunday was genuine, i wanted to believe it, i wanted this to work.  But it's very obvious it's not.

It takes two.  And lip service to very big issues doesn't cut it. 

Just received yet another TEXT (the laziest form of communication)  saying "okay. I guess i failed"

Yes, Sir.  And that kind of response will keep you failing at women.  Good luck.  

truthful

 It would be easy for me to just skip this entry, skip talking about tonight.  But it wouldn't be real.  If this blog is anything at all, it's truthful.  Even when i look like an idiot.

No apologies for last night.  Just texting and talking like normal today, and me pretending last night didn't happen.  

And i liked talking to him, i was perfectly okay letting last night go silently into the night to die its horrible death. Because i'm great at avoiding.  

So we talked all day on and off and he asked me to come to his house tonight to walk.  "your turn" he said.  Like i haven't been the one going to his house all along.  He has been here ONCE and he couldnt wait to leave.  

I was looking foward to seeing him, because i missed him last night.  Yes, that sounds ridiculous and it is.  He is so all consuming that when he isn't there or calling, its a huge quiet space.  I go to his house and say hello to the dogs.  He is cranky, even though all day he was fine on the phone with me.  I go to him to give him a kiss hello and he chicken pecks me.  I tease him "what? no kiss for me?" and he gives me a less quick kiss.  But he can't get away from me fast enough.

I should mention here that i talked to my therapist today and told her about the choking incident.  She told me that i did nothing wrong, that my reaction of not having a reaction was normal in that type of situation, it is survival mode, making nice in order to be able to leave.  I don't know if she's right,, but it brought all the feelings up again.  And I didn't tell her, but it reminded me of how he broke it off with me too.

So i'm pretty raw, after last night, todays therapy.........i just want to see him and be reminded of why i am doing this again.  And he is angry.  His energy is huge.

He hooks up the dogs, and we start down the driveway.  I ask him a question about Abel, how i should be walking him and he yells at me why am i asking him, just walk him.  His neighbor comes outside and says "Hiiiiii" and now Abel wants to go there.  He's a cane corso....he's not small, like Miyagi.....and he starts to drag me.  I yell for Bill, and he gets pissed off and gives me Cane instead.

Cane is ....huge.  And no way can i control him.  And he knows it.  

What the FUCK is he handing his dogs over to ME for????  And then getting pissed at me and yelling.  YELLING at ME...this motherfucker.  Who the hell does he think he is?  King?  fuck out of here.

And then he freaks out on the dogs.  And i mean, freaks out.  He slams Abel on the ground so hard i thought he killed him.  I was in shock  Then he pulled him up on his choke and the dog was literally hanging......Cane did something and he kicked him.  I couldn't believe my fucking eyes.  And i was scared.  Then he lets the dog down and this dog runs to ME cowering and i see his leash wrapped around his leg and Mr. Cigar PULLS it so hard i can't believe this dog doesn't have a broken leg.  I yell that his leg is wrapped up stop it, and he screams at me to leave the fucking dog alone.

Something in my head snapped.

literally, i felt it.

HE created this situation and he's mad at the dogs and me?  Fuck this guy.  I turned around and walked back up the driveway with smoke coming out of my ears.  I hope the dogs get him in his sleep.  That fucker.

He drags the dogs in the other direction.

ask me if i leave when i get to my car.  No.  I do not.  I'm waiting for him to come around and when he does he yells at me what am i waiting for, lets go, get walking........and i'm like "the fuck?"......and he continues to walk away like i'm going to chase him.........and I know i'm making a big mistake being here.........i go to my car and i leave.

I tried.  I tried to have faith that he really wanted to be a better man and make changes. Changes HE said he wanted to make, i didn't tell him to.  But he's WORSE and i've only known him a total of 3 months......this is supposed to be the honeymoon period.

I have no one to blame but myself.  I led myself straight into the lions den hoping he would be a kitten, with me at least!  And here i was, so impressed with how he treats his dogs......and then THIS. 

What is it about me, that i get involved with the broken ones?  Because i'm broken.  Because i just want someone to see me and understand me too.  

For fuck sake if my doctor doesn't increase my meds i'm probably going to try to date Charlie Manson. EVEN IF HES DEAD.  I literally hate myself at this moment.  

FUCK.

Repeat your past

 Yesterday was a perfect example of dating someone with a drinking problem.

Due to life experience, i knew this was coming.  

Mind you, we reconnected on Sunday, less than a full week ago.  One of the reasons was that he told me he knew he had a drinking problem and was working on it.  

That is the first step.

over, and over and over again.

I will not go into his personal demons, or his past in this blog because it's not my story to tell.  What i CAN tell is my experiences with him because they happen to me.  In the past, people have read my blog and gotten really ticked off at my point of view and to them I say "tell your own story".  No one reads this blog anymore, it was never intended as something to be promoted or make money off of.  It's just me, writing my thoughts and experiences.  From MY point of view.

With that said, I walked back into this relationship with wide open eyes.  When i saw him walk in to the restaurant on Sunday, i had no expectations other than letting him say his piece.  Curiosity? closure? hope? anger? revenge?  all those thoughts a possibility.  I took it as it came.

But i'm not the same woman he dated, when i was shiny and new with him.  I have dings, from HIM. But i think that is true in any relationship.  When its new, you are careful, you have a lot of energy and positivity, and then life gets in, familiarity gets in. 

I have an appointment with my therapist today.  Guess what the main event will be?

Yesterday started out positively. He called in the morning, we talked as we got ready for work, and wished each other a good day.  Later he called and we had a short conversation.  We keep in tough randomly as we can, but not constantly.  We are both busy at work.  

He had told me he had a meeting scheduled with a new client after work, and then he later told me he was at the gun range (in close proximity to his evening appointment) because he had a feeling it was going to fall through.

My plan, was to go home, change, go walk - then come home, shower, and relax with my coloring books and audiobook.  

We mixed up our wires.  At 4pm he texted me and i knew immediately he had been drinking.  He is obnoxious.  I don't react, but respond. He tells me to come to his house to go walking.  Then he sends me a picture of a bar, and what he's drinking.

Why he did that is beyond me, but it saved me from being around him drunk.

I told him i was going to skip this evenings adventure and go walking by my house, as i had planned.

That did not go over well.  

Normal Mr. Cigar would not have cared at all.  This one, though, took it as a rejection.  Because that is where he is in his head.  I know this from PERSONAL experience.  I identify with it completely.  It's almost a panicked response, a flurry of texts that are both trying to be funny and trying to guilt the other person, because in your adult brain you know it's not a big deal, but your body is responding to it like danger, rejection, hurt......add alcohol and it gets ugly fast.

So i went walking, this is his deal. I didnt get into a nasty back and forth that he was bending over backwards to get me to fight with him.  I have no fight.  This is his fight, with himself.  

I didn't ignore him, or feed into it.  I didn't get  upset, but i wasn't involved either.  I treated him the way i wish i had been treated when i was spiraling.  And then he finally stopped.

What was he doing? drinking more? did he call someone else to come over? was he okay? are we over now? this are the thoughts that started to go in my head as i went to bed.  And i let them slide right through my head without latching on and obsessing.  I have no control over his actions, only my own.  Everything doesn't have to be earth shattering.  Sometimes, moments are just moments and situations are just temporary.  I slept fine.

Do i want to coach myself though this type of situation over and over?  No.  I do not.  BUT i identify with him and his spirals.  He is going to have to figure it out, do the work himself.  But it doesn't mean his whole self is that part.  

I will not associate with Nasty Mr. Cigar.  I don't have to.  He does.  

This morning he texted, not called.  We both said we hated last night.  I know he is feeling embarrassed, and he probably should.   

Writing it here helps me to document and hold myself accountable to MYSELF.  In a strange way i am attracted to his dark side because i recognize it in myself.  I don't have a drinking or drug problem, mine comes out differently.  But i recognize the need, the pain, the history of it.  

Time will tell. 

Never forget

 Today is September 11th, and we will never forget.

Even if part of us wishes we could.

I remember the day clearly. Being torn between which child to get from school first (our three locations being the same distance in a triangle), getting them from class, not knowing if i should go home or the grocery store - Because the grocery store is where you go before a storm........

Coming home and turning on the television and trying to answer my 10 year olds questions and worry over my 12 year olds silence. We watched.  I let them.  It occurred to me that they shouldn't be watching but i remember thinking it was going to get worse.  That this was the beginning and they needed to know how the world works.

Life isn't fair and sometimes it is horribly tragic.  And yet we are expected to go on.  Because we are resilient creatures with a will to survive.  And kill.  There will always be a dark to the light.  Knowing both is important.

I have never met a family that was perfect. It doesn't exist. If people are involve, it will get fucked up.  Sure thing.  Bet money on it.  Humans are the bane of existence.

And yet, I am one.  We are.  And most of us get through life just trying to do our best through our traumas, and through good times that we know will end eventually.  Everything does.  And yet, we carry on.

There are people i work with who do not remember September 11th.  That is crazy to me, when it still sits clearly in my sketchy memory.

Went for a 3 mile walk last night with Mr. Cigar.  He came to my place for the first time.  He was uncomfortable, not in control of his environment.  I could see it.  We left to walk and per usual got into a disagreement- Niceties arent something we've ever really stood on.  But i used to be more selective in what i said.  Not any more.

I have literally nothing to lose in this endeavor.  I'm in the "let's see how this goes" period.  I had feelings for this man only a short few months ago, before his implosion.  Its my choice, my eyes wide open choice, to give this a go.  After dating so long, and only meeting two men in all these years that i give a flying fuck about....yeah, i will give it a second chance.  

Mr. Tattoo moved on to someone else and seems to be satisfied with it.  I feel like the once in a while touch base with my ex has actually helped me completely get over him - yes, i care, but not enough to be involved.  We are two different people then we were back then.

And i am not the same person Mr. Cigar dated a few months ago.  

After our walk, and "discussion" about me not being his next project. Bitch PLEASE, i have my own goals and if they aren't in line with what you want then get to stepping. (said with a head and eye roll) We agree on a lot, but he is bossy as hell.  I don't need a boss who isn't helping me pay bills or do laundry, capiche? The funny thing, or odd thing, is that as much as his bossiness annoys me, it also attracts me.  He wants more, better, more.........and he motivates me.  Even if sometimes with a silent "fuck you" from me.

He walks slightly ahead of me to keep the pace, so i'm never slowing down.  This isn't mosey time, it's cardio and burning calories.  Holy SHIT do i burn calories and this man doesn't even break a sweat.  When he tells me to feel his dry back i hate him a little.

This is love/hate relationship.  And lets not forget he lied to me, and cheated and was a complete loser asshole in how he broke up with me.  Even if i've heard the explanation, and heard the apologies, all that talk means little unless it's backed up.

This morning I felt a twinge when he told me he had appointments tonight (in other words, not walking with me) and how he had signed up for shooting on Saturday morning and afternoon, and Sunday morning.  

Why twinge?  I know he's heavy into shooting and work comes first.  I don't think either of us knew we would be spending time together.  Hell, i just bought tickets for a cruise in January where i'm sharing a room with a male friend...........Life went on.  

But here is where i watch.  Now that he is relaxing, will he continue to see me consistently?  He did tell me his plans which honestly he doesn't have any obligation to do.  I'm reacting to what happened previously.  So now i wait and see if he makes me part of his priority going forward.

Yesterday we got into it because he was pushing me to go to crossfit.  I laughed my ass off thinking he is insane.  Crossfit?  I can barely walk on a flat trail in the woods and you want me to go RUN?  He said i was being negative, that i was discounting it without looking into it first.  I said, i have zero desire to go to crossfit, that i have my own goals and i don't need him setting the bar so high i fail before i start.  He said i was negative again.

I told him, i don't want to.  I have no interest.  And he went on a mini tirade about wanting to do IRON mans together............LOL , then i am not the one for you buddy.  I will support you, go watch, be your cheerleader but no way in  hell am i doing that.  I can only imagine my physical therapist when i tell her.  He said he didn't want seperate lives, where he had to schedule in time to see each other, he wants to do life together with shared interests.

Sir.  Have you LOOKED at me?  Do you think Iron Man competitions has EVER been a dream for me?

So i asked him if he was gonna sit and read books with me, do arts and crafts, and embroidery? Because never has it crossed my mind to invite him to do so.  He said he does read, he reads the news and emails and researches.......

Am i the obstinate one? both of us?  Because i believe you can share a life with someone without having to share every interest or activity.

I brought up shooting.  I told him my permit is progress and he said "you'd have to shoot rifles, and i can't bring a guest to my gun club"

So i stopped walking and i said "you are full of shit"

And thats where the "discussion" kicked in. 

Side note, i think most relationships have one partner that is very "one way", meaning their way.  

I've been in them.  I have no desire to do it again.  I'm not getting forced to acclimate to someone who won't do the same for me.

Do i expect him to read novels with me?  lol  Hell no.  It was a point.  We do not need to share every interest or be attached at the hip.  

I'm not getting dragged through his life so he can control my every move.

I have a life too.  

Like i said. We will see how this works over time.  The days of me being agreeable are over.  When i hear a bullshit statement i'm calling it.  Too bad if he doesnt like it.

I have a feeling he will bounce because he isn't getting control he hasn't earned.  Time will tell.

watch me now

 Last night he requested that i wear something i feel pretty in and bring my gym bag with workout clothes.  He was taking me to dinner and then we would come back to his house and walk.  

I felt excited.  I haven't ever in my life been told to dress to be taken out.

I don't really have "take me out" clothing.  It's either very casual or very work....or pjs. So I settled on a little black dress with a cutout on the back.  A little fitted but not too much.  Silver sandles and earrings. Thats it. He didn't say "dress up" he said "something you feel pretty in".

And i got the appropriate response, after the dogs tried to sniff up my dress. (which at their size, literally lifts me off my feet)  I did like his reaction.  Is it sad, that after all these years, i've never had this experience?

He took me to The Corner in Litchfield.  Per usual, he knows everyone.  We had such a good conversation, as we do, and i no longer feel as if i need to hold anything back - "i call bullshit" did come out of my mouth.  We laughed, had fun.  More than before.  We took our time, the food was soooo good.  By the time we got back to his house it was dark, and I wasn't walking that small path in the woods in the dark no matter what.

So we didn't walk.

Or anything else.  Well.  Some but - I have a bit of a protective wall around me. I need some time, probably a lot of time, to see it this is a fallback, a mistake, or a choice.  We didn't end well.  He can apologize until he's blue in the face but it's gonna take time.

I don't know how much.

And i expressed that.  I had developed feelings for him, and he dismissed me in a rude way - regardless of why, I was dismissed.  Cut off.  Out of the blue.  

So how do i know he won't do it again?  I don't.

Why am i even trying this again?  Because it's pretty rare that i meet a man i want something with.  I meet all kinds of men, most nice, successful......but i feel literally nothing.

My bestie will tell me it's because i always fall for the ones that don't want me.  But Mr. Cigar did want me, pursued me mercilessly until i went out with him.  It was rocky, but he wanted me.  Until he didn't.

And lets face it.  I'm broken.  I don't mean i'm not worthy, i just mean that "normal" isn't what i am.  I'm aware of this, and when i'm with "the average joe" I can't feel a damn thing for him.  So i am drawn to those who are also broken.

Not mean.  Not assholes.  Just, broken in ways that most others won't understand.  I can see it in their eyes and feel it in their chest.  I identify with the pain.  Broken people need love too.

Excuses?  Perhaps.  But i like being with him.  It's only been a few DAYs and we have seen each other every day- tonight we might not be able to walk either depending on if it rains.  But he's coming over for the first time.

This is new.  Yes, we have a past, however, it had a lot of missing information making it impossible to really know each other.  I've laid down a few boundaries that he can respect, or not.  But i know i can and will walk away from certain behavior without looking back.

Time.  Will. Tell.  And that's all we have. 

Aware

 Yesterday after work we went walking again.  I agreed to meet him at his house because he had to mow, (5 acres to keep up with) and as soon as i got there, we hooked up the pups and left.

I have never walked a cane corso.  They only went with us for the first round so they could do their business, and perhaps sniff out any lurking woodland creatures.  Part of the walk was through the woods, into his property, onto the street.  6 times would have been 3 miles.  I made it 4 times before it started to get too dark for the woods section (which was fairly flat but still a trail where i went slower),

Here's the thing.  He motivates me.  He tells me i can do it, look at you doing it! and he pushes.  He wants me to push to my limit, and says i'm in my head with what i can and cannot do, that i limit myself. He makes me want to do it.  Sometimes, just to shut him up.

And he's doing it with me, not just telling me i "should".  

After the walk i had a glass of water and told him "bye now" and he seemed surprised.  Nope, just came for the walk.  Today we will meet half way at the trail we went on Sunday.  And i will then go home.  

I don't know him.  He said it himself.  So lets get to know him.  Over time.  a lot of time.

He is used to giving orders and getting results.  I'm not his employee.  I do need to make note that everything he pushes me on is for my own good.

Ironic. 

He pushes ME to be better.  And i want to.  I am more motivated with his encouragement.  

To be held accountable with my walking and exercising. My reward is, I feel better.  (well, i am sore!)

This time around i am aware and sensitive.  I am protecting myself because I know I was falling for him when he was lying to me.

I don't know if i will ever get over it.  Maybe not.  He told me what happened, and how he was aware and changing it- working on himself.  All more words.  I am waiting for proof of change through his actions over time.  And until then, i will remain reserved.

He knows.  And its going to take a lot of time and consistency and even some disagreements, which we have pretty regularly.  His political views and mine only match up in that we aren't attached to any party.  I do like that we talk about it, and can disagree without it becoming a big fight. We make each other think.  We've had some really intense conversations where both of us have actually seen a different view we didn't expect.

He talks to me like i'm smart.  But he treated me like i was dumb.  My memory is good with things like that.

Stepping back, he treated me poorly, and unfairly - due to his mental and physical condition.  There were many things leading up to his rude dismissal of me.  Thats not for me to fix, or monitor.  But i will be noticing and acting upon any show of disregard.  

He calls me in the morning, told me this morning that he took the long way to work so he could talk to me (feels) and he checked in throughout the day yesterday.   I will see if this daily walk becomes consistent, and he always wants me to tell him when i get home.  He is back to goodnight, and pictures of the dogs.

I told shenanigans i am back with him, and i got support from the women and reluctance from the men.  Understandable considering what i told them. I'm lying by omission by not telling my bestie.  She will have advice that means nothing because she's been married so long and has NO CLUE what it's like out here.

I will always talk about my world and what is happening to me here.  Not everything needs to be said to friends and family.  And his personal stuff will never be dumped here either.  But this is where i sort it out.  Keep myself accountable and on track.

I'll be with him until i see that i shouldn't be.  

It's official.  Jen bought the tickets to go on the cruise in January.  It will be the four of us, Jen, Doug, Ed and myself.  I invited Bill to come and get a cabin but he can't take time during the winter.  His guys are laid off, and he and his partner are the whole crew for snow work. I understand.  And i'm still going. And he says he is fine with me sharing a room with Ed, that he knows he can trust me.

Good, because that should never be a hurdle for us.  His work, which he loves, keeps him close to home.  I am ready to go places, and i won't get upset if he can't go, but he should be aware, i AM going places.

Time will tell. 

moth to a flame

 I'm processing yesterday.  We met at 1pm and i left him at 9pm.

That's a lot to process.

I slept last night.  I didn't wake up until the phone rang.  It's a good thing he called because i didn't set the alarm.

And when i heard his ringtone I felt happy.

Many mixed feelings here.  I don't trust him. Also, he pisses me off.  He really is an asshole.  And then he's not.  Part of me hates him.  And the other part recognizes him.

i'm very confused and what i need is time to see proof.  I need to go slowly into these dark waters or i will drown.  With a smile on my face.  But still. Drown.

We sat for a few hours and he did most of the talking telling me things i already knew.  I had already talked to Mary, his ex, not ex.....And they said the same thing but feel entirely different, see it different.  I told him it was none of my business and that i shouldn't have been in the mix at all.

I'm still chewing on everything he said to me.  

I very glad i have an appointment with my therapist on Friday.

I did tell a friend i was going to meet him.  And i did check in periodically.  She said "you broke up with him for a reason"

I did.  Well, he did.  And then i just cemented the door closed.

I don't know him.  Even he says this. He gave me all his reasons about where he was in his head when he met me.  None of it is for me to share here.  Valid reasons?  Not for me to decide.  When he says he was in a bad place, and is still working out of it........i believe him. And he brought me into it. Thats on him. 

i've believed him before and had that handed back to me with a big lesson.  This isn't about him.  This is about me, and how am i going to handle this, and what am i going to decide is the best thing for me.

Part of my brain tells me life is messy, and it overlaps.  Sometimes bad choices get made and we can't find our way out.  But not everyone makes bad choices, MB.      I do.  and i'd like to not do it again.

Giving him another chance is like laying on railroad tracks and wondering when the next train is coming.  Will i get up?  Or will i let him run me over.

He is a wild ride.  And when i'm with him, i'm with him.

I got there early on purpose.  I saw him walk in and look around.  I purposely didn't answer his message of "are you here".  He saw me and i saw him lift.  Thats the only way to describe it.  He said when he saw me he knew it would be okay.  He had in his head that i was bringing a male friend to kick his ass.

What world do you live in to even think that?

I asked him why he showed up if he thought that.  He said he had to see me in person to apologize because texting wasn't enough.  I told him words are air, and mean nothing.  He asked me for time to prove himself.

In my head i thought "all i have is time"

To him, i shrugged.  I was reserved, as i am.  I said little.  unlike me.  I let him say what he needed, and i had a beer.  By the time the second beer arrived i had plenty to say, while laughing - at him? with him? at us?  I flooded.  I said what i needed to say.

And we sat there still.  Not wanting to leave. or stay.  He asked me to go for a walk with him.  I laughed and asked him if he had a cliff picked out.  He said he didn't want to stay here, but he didn't want to let me go either.  He didn't want it to end.  He said it, i thought it.

My brain was swollen.  I shut it down to rest and went on automatic.  What feels right?

Punish him.  To what end.

Give in to him.  To what end.

So i went with him- followed him, to a walking path and we walked.  and talked. and laughed. We went off path on a short trail to the river and he helped me climb the rocks.  In my head i thought "is he going to push me?" but after standing there together he turned and kissed me instead.

What is the worse option?

His kiss felt like home.

fuck.

It felt good to be in his arms.

double fuck.

So i stepped back.  

Did he set this up?  This walk, the view, the kiss.......am i being manipulated or is this just exactly how i have always wanted a relationship to be?  

I'm going to have to figure it out.  He is all in. He wants this. I want time. 

I want to not feel foolish.

When i'm with him, its right.  And when i'm not, i wonder.  Is this a game to him?  How much of his past is an excuse for his stumbles, and are we worth the work.  Because it's going to be work.  

either together or apart we both need to work on our mental health.

I need to work now.  And focus on my life.  And see how he fits.