Even I get sick of writing about men. The reason i do is because a partner is the only thing missing from my life and i've made such unsuccessful choices in the past that i don't want to do it again.
Other than that, I love my life. Yes, i suffer from depression and anxiety but not for any lack in my life. Not for any toxic people in my life. Standing at a distance and looking in to my life there is plenty of room for growth and experiences, but what i have right now at this moment is enough. I am grateful, and i appreciate the wealth of love in my life from the people i share it with.
I do have other things going on in my life, but this blog doesn't reflect that. Because it's not upsetting, it's not a knot to untangle or a mystery to solve. It's not a risk.
Mr. Cigar isn't going away. And every time he reaches out, i have to be honest, there is a temptation there to respond. Depends on the day which kind of response. But i know in my heart that he isn't it. He is familiar drama. I've been on that ride with one man or another for my whole adult life. Every time he reaches out I think "am i wanted?" which is my deepest desire. The problem is, his reaching out has nothing to do with me and everything to do with his own demons. I'm just the one that won't come back and that makes me a challenge to him.
He isn't a good man. The more i reflect on him and what we had in that 3 months I see how it could have gotten very bad very fast. What i know about him from his OWN MOUTH in how he treated his past relationships, and how he treated me......no. Not good. My need for validation is not worth the actual danger that this man is. No matter how bored or lonely I am, i will never reconnect with him. It will never be different, but it would certainly get worse. He is chaos and pain.
And i reject that.
The feelings i still harbor for Mr. Tattoo are not about him. It's been well over a year since i've even seen him, or heard him. He is a fond ache in my heart for what could have been, and for how i felt in his presence. He showed me how i need to feel in a relationship and some characteristics to look for. But the man himself? He is unknown to me. I've made him larger than life due to the feelings he awakened in me, but he is a soft note in my past. I need to let the fantasy go.
Here is where i am at this moment: I honor my ability to still love deeply, and my refusal to indulge in temptation to accept crumbs from any man.
It's a better place than i was last year and i'm going to take it as a win and growth in the right direction.
So.
I was a bit abrupt with the man i went walking with last week, when he texted me while i was away this weekend. When i didn't hear from him yesterday, i was ready to just forget him. BUT, instead, i reached out first and said hello.
We had nice chit chat and I felt good about reaching out. He wasn't petulant, didn't refer to my abruptness...just shared he was going bowling (he has a very active life which i appreciate greatly) and then told me how bad he was sucking at it. LOL.
Lets see what happens over time, with me not leading or expecting or wanting.......but yet, still being available.
Plenty of activity on FB dating and all of it is shit. Last night i went live on TikTok again and per usual there was someone (probably a kid) that was inappropriate and instead of ignoring it, this time i asked why. What makes you come on to the internet and represent yourself in this way, when you could make real connections without being rude.
I like this line of talk and might continue it. Also, i'm getting a LOT of coloring done while i'm live, so it's relaxing and makes me sit still for an hour.
I believe Jen has booked our trip for next year, and i'll be getting on a big boat with a lot of people. I hope she knows what shes in for. I'm sharing a room with Eddie. I have thought about "what if" i'm in a relationship with someone by then and the solution is easy. That person can get a room too and i'll stay with them instead or they can understand that i'm not giving up the trip because they can't go too.
Same with Eddie. If he dates someone who doesn't like it then that will be up to him to handle. I agreed to pay in to share with him, and thats not changing. I know he would never leave me in a lurch. Worst case scenario is that one of us has a room to ourselves. Not a bad thing.
In other news, i can apply for senior housing at age 62 and it's based on your income WHEN you move in......so. I'll start reviewing Wallingford, Milford, Cromwell and Farmington......possibly even NYC......to make my kids happy. But i'm still doing van life. I'm going to travel damn it. It's the only thing making me happy about retirement. I may be alone, but i'll be meeting people i've been talking to for years, and making new friends and seeing new places.
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