Home sweet home

 Back.  Had a lovely weekend in Philly with the foursome.  It was just enough time away.  

While away I was contacted AGAIN by Mr. Cigar, who apparently can't keep his word, because he did promise to leave me alone, "no problem, no issues"...........must have been another mood.

Here's the thing.  I haven't responded to anything.  I stopped blocking.  Now he has a new dating profile on FB dating and he, of course, "likes" me.  

He didn't act like he liked me when he had the opportunity to make a relationship with me, now did he.

No.  I recall him acting like a raging asshole the morning i was leaving to go spend the weekend with my daughter.  I recall him trying to make me focus on his bullshit rather than my girls.  I recall him not caring very much if i had a safe trip and him literally breaking up with me in a stupid text message.  

Sir.  Please go fuck yourself.

Whyyyyyyy am i writing about this man again?  Because i had an "almost" moment while driving home this morning from Milford.  I ALMOST called this man to ask him what he thought he was accomplishing by continuously contacting me. 

This.  This is what he is accomplishing.  

He can't stand that i won't answer him, and that i don't want him.  I could give two big whoop di doos if he disappears from my life forever.  Bye.

#1.  He choked me out after i told him i didn't want that.  I was foolish, and confused, didn't know how to respond when i came to, and it took a while for what he had done to me to sink in.  I was then angry with myself for not responding correctly (which would have involved my fist and his face) when it WASNT MY FAULT.  

#2 EVEN after i was still emotionally dealing with my own lack of action over his complete disregard for my personal boundaries, i fancied a FUTURE with him.  I thought i felt feelings for him. Turns out it wasn't him, but what I THOUGHT he was, what i wanted him to be.

I'm not brand new.  I've had a few relationships now, and I'm still learning.  There is NO EXCUSE to repeat a lesson i've already learned.  When i man shows you he is not safe...........HE IS NOT SAFE.  When a man shows you he doesn't care for your safety, well being or feelings.........HE DOES NOT CARE.  Duh.

So i did NOT call this small angry man to tell him things he could care less about.  I did NOT give in to my old ways of trying to see his side.  Who cares?  He was an asshole to me.  Why is "irrelevant".  

No contact with someone isn't too hard once I realized he is lame.  He is not good enough for me.   My brain had a version of him that is so much better than he actually is. 

I wanted to be chosen.  Seen.  Heard.  Understood.  Cared for.....loved.  That is what i still want.   

Which is exactly why i've chosen no contact with him.  For myself.  For the parts of me that didn't feel respected, didn't have my needs met, that deserve better than what he was offering.  Could ever offer.  For all the things i learned about him after, how he treated long term relationships, the foul and ugly things he said and did to women he "loved".

Yes, i wanted to be chosen.  To be valued.  To be more than enough.  BUT i was taking what i could get, scared that i will never meet anyone else.............that maybe holding out for the love i deserve is a pipe dream.

But that, was a temporary thought.  I checked myself.  I will NOT waste time on anyone who treats me poorly.  End of story.  There is no reason to ever speak to him, contact him, anything him.  His motives for continuing to reach out are his problem, not mine.  I owe him no space in my head.  

I wish i could have walked away with some funny memories, a few good times and a feeling of "that was nice even if he isn't for me"........but thats not what happened.

There is no history, no shared anything.  Most certainly not shared respect.  Laughing to myself because i thought not sleeping with a man would matter.  Some men just have no respect for themselves so they can never have it for someone else.  Again, not my problem.

Here is the sick and twisted thing.  Part of me likes it.  It means he is thinking about me. Someone, is thinking about me and wants my attention.

That is the younger me, the unhealed, green me.  The yapping puppy dog me.  Look at me, love me, oh please, oh please.

She's still there.  Will always be there.  But now I'm here too.  Present me.  I will protect my peace, my self worth, how I value my Self.........I'm here now.  And that is who did NOT dial his number, did not "hand him his ass" like she wanted to, and will not allow any more of his bullshit to take up moments in my life.

That she........she thinks if we fight it out we will come to an agreement and he will change, to keep her, because he loves her.

LOL LOL LOL

Current me knows thats some stupid bullshit. 

Her parents were fucked up, her marriage was fucked up, her long term relationship was fucked up, all of her important close relationships have been disasters.  What is the common denominator?

Me. Her.  it' us. 

So.  It's me that changes.  It's me that takes care of myself and stops waiting and wishing that someone else would.  It's me that has to tell myself NO, that isn't what is best for you.

There I am, continuing to choose myself.  Continuing to value myself.  Continuing to know i am enough.  Because once i learn a lesson, i don't forget it.