yesterday

 I felt like i was in a marathon.  Every emotion, then having to just stop and look at the situation from the outside.

Be done.

Of course, it couldn't just end peacefully- i shouldn't have expected that from him.  There was a conversation which ended with me hanging up on him and promptly blocking him everywhere.

The difference with blocking is that for me, it's permanent.  For him, it was used as a tool to punish.  Then he would unblock and reach out.  Childish.

He is back to stalking his ex in the hopes of a reconciliation. You never know what you are getting involved with when you start dating a new person but addictions ALWAYS come out in the wash eventually.  Some people thrive on drama.  I'm not one of them.

Focus needs to be on my continued success with weight loss, physical activity and promotion at work. Boring, not exciting or entertaining, yet highly satisfying.  For me. And thats all i care about now.  

My new boss (i just keep getting more and more of them)  will be making a lot of changes that will require a lot of work. (waving) I am excited and flattered that I am the person he literally demanded to work with when he took the position. i'm ready. Bring it. I'm all yours! and yours, and yours.......

Last night I slept like a rock.  A deep calm restful sleep.  I wouldn't have expected that after the day i had. But after work i did walk around my neighborhood enough to equal 2 miles so maybe that helped. i realized how much nicer it is to take a walk at my own pace and enjoy my surroundings..I spoke to a couple of very curious 10 year old girls about my "tiny dog" who wasn't even with me.  So many people in my neighborhood walk around every night on the "fart walk".   I feel like i am part of my community when i walk at the same time.  It's nice to be seen, and recognized as part of the neighborhood.  Some  people have negative opinions about where i live, in an apartment complex, but this is my home.  I chose it, and i have grown to love it.  Especially when i feel lonely. 

They might notice if I disappear and care enough to check on me. Thats the kind of neighborhood i grew up in.

I cannot understand why my arms hurt so much.

Stepped on the scale and lost more pounds.  woot!  Maybe that slinky dress i bought for the cruise will actually fit me by January.  I just want to rock that thing so hard!  I will look AMAZING.  I bought two slinky dresses actually- one is completely white.  Shows every little bump and jiggle i own.......so i will need to use that as my motivation to exercise and tighten up.  (along with some expensive undergarments!)

I'm looking at the cruise as my "coming out" party.  I will be 58, and in the best shape of my life so far.  I want to strut my stuff and feel that confidence again.  And i will.

So back to focusing on tangible goals that have nothing to do with a male.  I was so tempted to hop on a dating site but i realized ..........i don't want to.  It was a retaliation move, like "look at me you putz" BUT i don't need to play stupid games because i am disapointed.  It's not fair to anyone i might date.  Unlike Mr. Cigar, I wouldn't drag an unsuspecting person into my personal drama.  Its not nice. 

I actually felt wonderful this morning getting ready for work knowing there would be no phone call.  He had become inconsistent so i could no longer rely on that call which took all the joy out of it and made it stressful instead.  I would rush through my shower in case he called.  I only just realized it this morning, while i took a long luxurious shower with no stress. No disappointment over not having a phone call.  I like my mornings to myself- i had made room for him in my rituals, and he didn't appreciate it.

Enough.  I don't have to hate him.  He will be back with his ex AGAIN in no time.  I am sure of this.  I am also sure that once he has her again, he will treat her the same as he always has. I hope she has grown out of him and moved on for her sake.  She knows better than I do how he operates, so i'm sending her "be strong" vibes.  I don't wish him on any woman at this point in his life.