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i did it.

 3rd or 4th time breaking up?  I lost count.

But this time I did it, and i mean it.  I won't be the backup girl. He can't give me what i need.

And he agrees.

So that was easy.

for him.

ha. From a weekend where i felt like we had come so far to breaking up.......AGAIN.  Thats not toxic at alllllllllllll.  I'm off the rollercoaster.

I'll be the one that got away.  I love hard and i'm loyal.  There are so many good qualities about me and all a man has to do is love me. Expecting to have my feelings returned after months of cat and mouse isn't asking for too much. Expecting that someone be over their ex before dating me isn't a lot to ask for.  It's not asking for enough.  That is about to change.

I'm holding it together because i'm at work but i had to say something because i dont want him to continue calling me, or reaching out. Once again i gave myself to a man who didn't want me.  I'm seeing a pattern.  And i'm seeing myself as the common denominator.  

I'm done.

I choose love over chaos.  If that love ends up being only for myself,  then so be it.  That is enough.

This is the second time i've broken up with someone i care for to save myself.  Maybe it will get easier.

Maybe i won't fall for men who don't prove themselves to be worthy first.  That is my next goal to reach: Don't give my feelings to someone who hasn't shown they deserve them.  No more trauma bonds.  

I can feel the pressure in my neck and shoulders dissipating as i write this.  My body knows.  My brain knows.  And now my heart knows.  It's finally catching up and being a team player.  But i'm inexcusably sad that i tricked myself again.  

He isn't the one.  Not even close.  I will survive this temporary sadness and then i will go back to my peace.

Thats one point for me. 

The second point is that i began to reach out to Mr. Tattoo and i stopped myself.  What would be the reason? The fact that i even pulled his number up should be enough to slap me. STOP poking the wounds MB.  We have some healing stuff to do instead. 

So i'm getting it.  Yay. Me. 

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