My way

 Limp Bizkit has been hitting me hard lately- heard "My Way" on the way into work this morning and it hit right. It also brought up a random memory from years and years ago.  When i was a badass.

When i left my husband I went a bit wild.  All those years of being an old lady in a young womans body came back with a vengeance.  I once went on 5 dates in one day.  All coffee dates....i was completely wired for the next 3 days.  

I had a lot of men interested in me.  I was in my 30's, skinny, wreckless and I did not care who you were or what you had.....i wanted fun.  I was ready for good times.

Yes, i had met my next relationship already, but he was on again off again (sound familiar?) and he wasn't looking for anything serious and neither was I.  Getting tied down was the last thing i wanted, i told myself.  Freedom was the ticket to ride.

One night i went out with a co-worker to the Red Dog Saloon, a local biker bar.  She was meeting her boyfriend, a Nomad, and they had a friend of his they wanted me to meet.  I was about it.  Biker, means bike.  Bike means rides and fun.  

This memory came up because of the song, "my way"........i had a Harley barely there tshirt on that said something to the effect of "my way or the highway" and this man had a big problem with it.

He was cute.  Bad boy.  Probably associated (not yet a big no no for me) and a wee bit scary I suppose.  I was in my "you don't scare me" phase, and I was nonchalant when talking wth him. He told me he didn't like my shirt.  I said I didn't much care what he liked or didn't like.

It wasn't a match.

No sense of humor has always been  a big turn off to me.  And the inability for a big scary biker man to come up with something quippy in return? ewww. Sorry, the dumb ones are a turn off.

I've never been into dumb. 

Apparently i enjoy assholes.  But i draw the line at dumb ones.

Then i started thinking, wondering, where did she go?  Where did that woman who could care less about any mans opinion go?  Was it because i basically had my pick if i showed interest?  Was it because i was too tired and broken down by marriage that the idea of caring was just too much?

Or was i given a second chance and i squandered it.

It didn't take long to fall for Wolf, (my ex's nickname when i wrote about him all those years ago).  He looked scary, but he was smart.  Quietly smart.  Ashamed of smart........like it wasn't fitting his persona. But i saw it.  And i fell for him, and all the drama associated with that relationship, without hesitation.

Is that what is happening now?  The familiar cat and mouse game? Who is hunter who is prey?  Am i overthinking as i usually do?  What is drawing me to this man?  He's not very nice.  He has a violent nature, when he drinks he is an unbearable twat, and he thinks he knows everything about everything.

He makes me speechless with anger sometimes.  

And he makes me laugh like a loon. Listens to and dissects music with me.  Discusses business with me like i understand and have something of value to offer with my thoughts. 

He has been successful in motivating me to move, to push, to stop telling myself "i cant'.  

He never has anything sweet to say.  NEVER.  He is a ball buster supreme.

He is obnoxious.

And i see inside him.  

I'm wasting my time, or investing it.  I'm what he needs and he's what i need, or we are toxic.  I can't tell from one day to the next.

What i AM sure about is I'm not losing myself to suit him.  Thats where the conflict always comes in.  I'm not regressing into peaceful little mouse to tame the lion.  "to keep the peace"

Fuck that.

Miss "my way" is a bit much for my age - but she's still there inside me.  I'm still a badass in my own way.  I can still walk away when i know a situation has been bled dry.

I wonder how i can feel so differently about two men who are on complete opposite ends of personality. The last time i felt FEELINGS for a man it was Mr. Tattoo and i still have inklings of regret and longing, and all that with barely knowing him.  He hit all the right spots.  He made me happy.

And Mr. Cigar makes me crazy.  He pisses me off to no end. And i keep coming back for more, as does he.  If not one, then the other- we keep ending up back in each others presence.

Make it make sense.