Just no.

 Men complain about women catfishing and i'm here to tell you.........they do the same thing.

15 year old pictures. Before the accident.  There is always and accident.

And little by little all the things come out, in the first night.  On disability (fine) lives home with mom since his divorce 11 years ago (not fine) drinks like a fish ...........

He picked Bleachers in Bristol.  Strange first date, considering the loudness, but what the hell.  I just wanted to go out.  He texted me from inside the bar, where he sat with his back turned from the door.  Strategic? He paid a cover charge to get in and ..........i tried to but my card wouldn't work in the ATM machine next to the door. So i CALLED him, watched him pick up his phone (without turning around) and i told him i couldn't get in, i had no cash.

He was irritated.

First off, i almost ran.  But i figured i was here and the band was supposed to be good.  

He had a drink already and the bartender asked me, naturally, what i would like.  He and I bantered and i tried to give him my card for a tab and he looked at Keith and said "your tab?" ....."Sure" he says.

how underwhelming.

Listen, i can have a good time anywhere.  I will find a way.  But last night was work.  

As he drank he got more handsy and literally tried to kiss me and slip in his disgusting tongue.  WTF.

I pushed him away and told him to knock it off.

By the time the band (which i enjoyed) took their first break i was ready to go.  I would have loved to stay and watch the whole show but this man was slamming down drinks and had not offered to get me another.  So i signaled the bartender and ordered another for myself.

His whole mood shifted.  Like i had shit in his cheerios.

The set ended, and i said it was time for me to go, and he signaled for the tab.  I put down my card and asked if i could go "in" and he said "that is up to you".

Gross.

I paid half just to not sit there and figure out i was paying 50 for 2 drinks and an unwelcome tongue.

FML

He could barely walk.  I aimed him in the direction of his vehicle and then i went to my car.  BYE now. 

Went home feeling like dirt.  

Cried.

got mad.

cried.

It's not Bill.  Its the idea of him.  The idea of a relationship where i can rely on the behavior of the other person.  Where I don't feel so alone.  Capable, yes.  But alone.  Happy, yes. But alone.

Kids grown. Friends with spouses. and me, alone.

Do i know this is better than being alone in a bad relationship?  yes.  i do.  I'm feeling sorry for myself is all.  it's embarrassing.

I will get over it and move on.  I might go out on more dates, but honestly......i'm reminded why these men are single.  

Hell.  I'M single because there is something about me that is too much or not enough.

I'm sad.  My heart hurts.  And this sucks. 

There are worse things in life to shed tears over. I guess i will just feel my way through to the other side, and in time i won't feel like a loser that wasted my time and energy on a troll i didn't even LIKE.  Something kept drawing us together (with NO sex!) and i tend to believe it was the devil.  No joke.

Okay.  No more dates this weekend, that is my first promise to myself.  No plans, no leaving the house.  Just stay home and reset.  Feel the feels, clean and organize or just sit and rock myself......whatever feels right in the moment.

I have a life to live and I need to get right.