off to a great start

 The male therapist that i chose contacted me and told me he wasn't able to take on new clients.  So i searched for another therapist with the same style and came up empty.  I then made an appointment with someone else, only to have her contact me and say "something has come up" and she needs to reschedule.

I am off to a great start with this therapy i'm not even wanting.

BUT the new therapist offers me a same day appointment, meaning last night.  So last night i sat on a facetime with Beth for over an hour discussing my status in life.  Yay, how fun. 

I like her, but she seems a little soft in approach.  However, she's also just meeting me, so maybe she's holding off.

What did MB learn in her first night of therapy?  Well I realized that the timing of my descent into "who gives a shit" is consistant with my boss retiring to part time, the "unknown" of what my position was turning into, the lack of choice or control i felt as the New Chief insisted I was the one he wanted to support him, and the feeling of slipping backwards in my career.

There is nothing wrong with being support staff, however, i had made moves to NOT be support staff - I have my own independent program that is meaningful and important to the organization.....and I still have it, that hasn't changed.  But now, i'm supporting a Chief.  Which i thought i had left behind me.

My mind has been working this through over and over again.  I should be flattered.  I should feel secure in my employment.  I should, i should, i should.  So why don't I?

I guess I felt like my career was where i wanted it pointed. And now, it's pointed somewhere else for the foreseeable future.  Do i hate what i do?  Absolutely not.  But i didn't choose it.  That is the crux of it. 

Grow up MB.  Autonomy happens when you don't depend on anyone else and you are depending on an employer.

She didn't say that.  I did.  Last night in bed while our conversation was mulling in my mind. 

And i still feel unimpressed and bored by life in general.  

Also last night, i realized I was supposed to be out on a date to go see free live music on the green in Southington, and i forgot.  I don't have to feel bad, because he went and sent me a picture.  Now, we never discussed this again after his invite, last week, so i'm giving myself a pass.  He really should have followed up with me.  But he didn't.  And he went without me....and sent me a picture......?

I don't get it.  So i said " I thought we were going to this together?"  and then he went into "i'm so sorry, i feel bad now, blah blah blah......"  Well, i didn't want the man to feel bad, i forgot, he didn't follow up and thats what happens.

And then i thought, well, he must not have really wanted me to go with him.  Then i thought i was being negative and tried to reframe it in my head.  Nope.  Same outcome.

And, i didn't care.

Is that how i'm supposed to feel?  No big deal, i could give a shit?  if i ever see or talk to him again? did i say that?

I don't feel anything either way.  Almost like i'm forcing myself to even respond to him.  This morning i get a "good morning" text and i literally cringed.

What. The. Fuck. iswrongwithme.