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I have to

 I'm going to see Mr. Cigar today.  

I know.

I am questioning my own sanity at the moment.  

Has this been coming all along?  Will he be finally ready to leave me alone if i go have a conversation, in public, with him?

I can't feel anything.  I haven't BEEN feeling anything.

This morning the guy i went for a walk with, and then forgot i was supposed to have a date with, reached out after a few days of nothing.  I had not expected to hear from him.  There was nothing there.  But he apologized, and said he would like to take me out......And i told him when he meets his person he will know, and not to try to force a thing that wasn't there.  Then i wished him luck.

He's a nice man.  He deserves a nice woman.

I don't feel nice. 

I'm either in crisis, or i'm doing the right thing for myself.  I'm not sure what it is.  I know I can't tell my bestie because she will have something to say about it.  I don't know why i'm going aside from the same feeling i get picking a scab from a wound.

Is it closure that i'm after?  I don't need it.  Is it because i can't believe a grown man had the audacity to treat me the way he did?  And that i still think about him?  Because i'm crazy?

I feel like i'm slipping backwards but that I need to do this in order to move forward.  To not care.  

He apologized over and over - and that's just words.  It means nothing.  Words mean shit.  He wants to meet privately and i told him i would meet him in public.  

He keeps saying i don't know him that he was in a bad place, that he is working on himself, blah blah blah.........Why do i care?  What does he want from this?  

This may be a huge mistake.  But I think i have to do it.  I need to get out of this horrible place in my head which may be directly connected to how it ended and why.

Or he's just a douchebag asshole and i need to see him with my new eyes. 


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