Aware

 Yesterday after work we went walking again.  I agreed to meet him at his house because he had to mow, (5 acres to keep up with) and as soon as i got there, we hooked up the pups and left.

I have never walked a cane corso.  They only went with us for the first round so they could do their business, and perhaps sniff out any lurking woodland creatures.  Part of the walk was through the woods, into his property, onto the street.  6 times would have been 3 miles.  I made it 4 times before it started to get too dark for the woods section (which was fairly flat but still a trail where i went slower),

Here's the thing.  He motivates me.  He tells me i can do it, look at you doing it! and he pushes.  He wants me to push to my limit, and says i'm in my head with what i can and cannot do, that i limit myself. He makes me want to do it.  Sometimes, just to shut him up.

And he's doing it with me, not just telling me i "should".  

After the walk i had a glass of water and told him "bye now" and he seemed surprised.  Nope, just came for the walk.  Today we will meet half way at the trail we went on Sunday.  And i will then go home.  

I don't know him.  He said it himself.  So lets get to know him.  Over time.  a lot of time.

He is used to giving orders and getting results.  I'm not his employee.  I do need to make note that everything he pushes me on is for my own good.

Ironic. 

He pushes ME to be better.  And i want to.  I am more motivated with his encouragement.  

To be held accountable with my walking and exercising. My reward is, I feel better.  (well, i am sore!)

This time around i am aware and sensitive.  I am protecting myself because I know I was falling for him when he was lying to me.

I don't know if i will ever get over it.  Maybe not.  He told me what happened, and how he was aware and changing it- working on himself.  All more words.  I am waiting for proof of change through his actions over time.  And until then, i will remain reserved.

He knows.  And its going to take a lot of time and consistency and even some disagreements, which we have pretty regularly.  His political views and mine only match up in that we aren't attached to any party.  I do like that we talk about it, and can disagree without it becoming a big fight. We make each other think.  We've had some really intense conversations where both of us have actually seen a different view we didn't expect.

He talks to me like i'm smart.  But he treated me like i was dumb.  My memory is good with things like that.

Stepping back, he treated me poorly, and unfairly - due to his mental and physical condition.  There were many things leading up to his rude dismissal of me.  Thats not for me to fix, or monitor.  But i will be noticing and acting upon any show of disregard.  

He calls me in the morning, told me this morning that he took the long way to work so he could talk to me (feels) and he checked in throughout the day yesterday.   I will see if this daily walk becomes consistent, and he always wants me to tell him when i get home.  He is back to goodnight, and pictures of the dogs.

I told shenanigans i am back with him, and i got support from the women and reluctance from the men.  Understandable considering what i told them. I'm lying by omission by not telling my bestie.  She will have advice that means nothing because she's been married so long and has NO CLUE what it's like out here.

I will always talk about my world and what is happening to me here.  Not everything needs to be said to friends and family.  And his personal stuff will never be dumped here either.  But this is where i sort it out.  Keep myself accountable and on track.

I'll be with him until i see that i shouldn't be.  

It's official.  Jen bought the tickets to go on the cruise in January.  It will be the four of us, Jen, Doug, Ed and myself.  I invited Bill to come and get a cabin but he can't take time during the winter.  His guys are laid off, and he and his partner are the whole crew for snow work. I understand.  And i'm still going. And he says he is fine with me sharing a room with Ed, that he knows he can trust me.

Good, because that should never be a hurdle for us.  His work, which he loves, keeps him close to home.  I am ready to go places, and i won't get upset if he can't go, but he should be aware, i AM going places.

Time will tell.