Never forget

 Today is September 11th, and we will never forget.

Even if part of us wishes we could.

I remember the day clearly. Being torn between which child to get from school first (our three locations being the same distance in a triangle), getting them from class, not knowing if i should go home or the grocery store - Because the grocery store is where you go before a storm........

Coming home and turning on the television and trying to answer my 10 year olds questions and worry over my 12 year olds silence. We watched.  I let them.  It occurred to me that they shouldn't be watching but i remember thinking it was going to get worse.  That this was the beginning and they needed to know how the world works.

Life isn't fair and sometimes it is horribly tragic.  And yet we are expected to go on.  Because we are resilient creatures with a will to survive.  And kill.  There will always be a dark to the light.  Knowing both is important.

I have never met a family that was perfect. It doesn't exist. If people are involve, it will get fucked up.  Sure thing.  Bet money on it.  Humans are the bane of existence.

And yet, I am one.  We are.  And most of us get through life just trying to do our best through our traumas, and through good times that we know will end eventually.  Everything does.  And yet, we carry on.

There are people i work with who do not remember September 11th.  That is crazy to me, when it still sits clearly in my sketchy memory.

Went for a 3 mile walk last night with Mr. Cigar.  He came to my place for the first time.  He was uncomfortable, not in control of his environment.  I could see it.  We left to walk and per usual got into a disagreement- Niceties arent something we've ever really stood on.  But i used to be more selective in what i said.  Not any more.

I have literally nothing to lose in this endeavor.  I'm in the "let's see how this goes" period.  I had feelings for this man only a short few months ago, before his implosion.  Its my choice, my eyes wide open choice, to give this a go.  After dating so long, and only meeting two men in all these years that i give a flying fuck about....yeah, i will give it a second chance.  

Mr. Tattoo moved on to someone else and seems to be satisfied with it.  I feel like the once in a while touch base with my ex has actually helped me completely get over him - yes, i care, but not enough to be involved.  We are two different people then we were back then.

And i am not the same person Mr. Cigar dated a few months ago.  

After our walk, and "discussion" about me not being his next project. Bitch PLEASE, i have my own goals and if they aren't in line with what you want then get to stepping. (said with a head and eye roll) We agree on a lot, but he is bossy as hell.  I don't need a boss who isn't helping me pay bills or do laundry, capiche? The funny thing, or odd thing, is that as much as his bossiness annoys me, it also attracts me.  He wants more, better, more.........and he motivates me.  Even if sometimes with a silent "fuck you" from me.

He walks slightly ahead of me to keep the pace, so i'm never slowing down.  This isn't mosey time, it's cardio and burning calories.  Holy SHIT do i burn calories and this man doesn't even break a sweat.  When he tells me to feel his dry back i hate him a little.

This is love/hate relationship.  And lets not forget he lied to me, and cheated and was a complete loser asshole in how he broke up with me.  Even if i've heard the explanation, and heard the apologies, all that talk means little unless it's backed up.

This morning I felt a twinge when he told me he had appointments tonight (in other words, not walking with me) and how he had signed up for shooting on Saturday morning and afternoon, and Sunday morning.  

Why twinge?  I know he's heavy into shooting and work comes first.  I don't think either of us knew we would be spending time together.  Hell, i just bought tickets for a cruise in January where i'm sharing a room with a male friend...........Life went on.  

But here is where i watch.  Now that he is relaxing, will he continue to see me consistently?  He did tell me his plans which honestly he doesn't have any obligation to do.  I'm reacting to what happened previously.  So now i wait and see if he makes me part of his priority going forward.

Yesterday we got into it because he was pushing me to go to crossfit.  I laughed my ass off thinking he is insane.  Crossfit?  I can barely walk on a flat trail in the woods and you want me to go RUN?  He said i was being negative, that i was discounting it without looking into it first.  I said, i have zero desire to go to crossfit, that i have my own goals and i don't need him setting the bar so high i fail before i start.  He said i was negative again.

I told him, i don't want to.  I have no interest.  And he went on a mini tirade about wanting to do IRON mans together............LOL , then i am not the one for you buddy.  I will support you, go watch, be your cheerleader but no way in  hell am i doing that.  I can only imagine my physical therapist when i tell her.  He said he didn't want seperate lives, where he had to schedule in time to see each other, he wants to do life together with shared interests.

Sir.  Have you LOOKED at me?  Do you think Iron Man competitions has EVER been a dream for me?

So i asked him if he was gonna sit and read books with me, do arts and crafts, and embroidery? Because never has it crossed my mind to invite him to do so.  He said he does read, he reads the news and emails and researches.......

Am i the obstinate one? both of us?  Because i believe you can share a life with someone without having to share every interest or activity.

I brought up shooting.  I told him my permit is progress and he said "you'd have to shoot rifles, and i can't bring a guest to my gun club"

So i stopped walking and i said "you are full of shit"

And thats where the "discussion" kicked in. 

Side note, i think most relationships have one partner that is very "one way", meaning their way.  

I've been in them.  I have no desire to do it again.  I'm not getting forced to acclimate to someone who won't do the same for me.

Do i expect him to read novels with me?  lol  Hell no.  It was a point.  We do not need to share every interest or be attached at the hip.  

I'm not getting dragged through his life so he can control my every move.

I have a life too.  

Like i said. We will see how this works over time.  The days of me being agreeable are over.  When i hear a bullshit statement i'm calling it.  Too bad if he doesnt like it.

I have a feeling he will bounce because he isn't getting control he hasn't earned.  Time will tell.