watch me now

 Last night he requested that i wear something i feel pretty in and bring my gym bag with workout clothes.  He was taking me to dinner and then we would come back to his house and walk.  

I felt excited.  I haven't ever in my life been told to dress to be taken out.

I don't really have "take me out" clothing.  It's either very casual or very work....or pjs. So I settled on a little black dress with a cutout on the back.  A little fitted but not too much.  Silver sandles and earrings. Thats it. He didn't say "dress up" he said "something you feel pretty in".

And i got the appropriate response, after the dogs tried to sniff up my dress. (which at their size, literally lifts me off my feet)  I did like his reaction.  Is it sad, that after all these years, i've never had this experience?

He took me to The Corner in Litchfield.  Per usual, he knows everyone.  We had such a good conversation, as we do, and i no longer feel as if i need to hold anything back - "i call bullshit" did come out of my mouth.  We laughed, had fun.  More than before.  We took our time, the food was soooo good.  By the time we got back to his house it was dark, and I wasn't walking that small path in the woods in the dark no matter what.

So we didn't walk.

Or anything else.  Well.  Some but - I have a bit of a protective wall around me. I need some time, probably a lot of time, to see it this is a fallback, a mistake, or a choice.  We didn't end well.  He can apologize until he's blue in the face but it's gonna take time.

I don't know how much.

And i expressed that.  I had developed feelings for him, and he dismissed me in a rude way - regardless of why, I was dismissed.  Cut off.  Out of the blue.  

So how do i know he won't do it again?  I don't.

Why am i even trying this again?  Because it's pretty rare that i meet a man i want something with.  I meet all kinds of men, most nice, successful......but i feel literally nothing.

My bestie will tell me it's because i always fall for the ones that don't want me.  But Mr. Cigar did want me, pursued me mercilessly until i went out with him.  It was rocky, but he wanted me.  Until he didn't.

And lets face it.  I'm broken.  I don't mean i'm not worthy, i just mean that "normal" isn't what i am.  I'm aware of this, and when i'm with "the average joe" I can't feel a damn thing for him.  So i am drawn to those who are also broken.

Not mean.  Not assholes.  Just, broken in ways that most others won't understand.  I can see it in their eyes and feel it in their chest.  I identify with the pain.  Broken people need love too.

Excuses?  Perhaps.  But i like being with him.  It's only been a few DAYs and we have seen each other every day- tonight we might not be able to walk either depending on if it rains.  But he's coming over for the first time.

This is new.  Yes, we have a past, however, it had a lot of missing information making it impossible to really know each other.  I've laid down a few boundaries that he can respect, or not.  But i know i can and will walk away from certain behavior without looking back.

Time.  Will. Tell.  And that's all we have.