Just do it

 I was so tempted yesterday to go back and forth with Mr. Cigar.  To argue.  

For what.

I controlled my instinct to fight.  Because i don't want the prize.

Yes, i want to have the good parts, the parts that felt right - but the temper, the violence, the downside was way too much.  Maybe this is how it is in DV situations.  The good part is really good.  and then there's the other.  

I have no doubt in my mind that if i carry on with that man I am going to get physically hurt.  What i saw him do.....not out of controlling the dogs, but pure rage.......no i don't need to see more.

And the worst part is that the dogs don't have a choice.  He caters to them, special diets that require a lot of work on his part, they spend the day with him, are rarely home alone, but the flip side is what i saw.  I get that they need a firm hand because without it, they would be dangerous.

But i'm also not new to dogs, which is exactly why i have a 5lber. I grew up around German Shepherds and those dogs will fight to death for their owners.  Treat them wrong, and you have a dangerous dog.  Treat ANY dog with violence and you have the potential for a dangerous dog.  Training them does NOT involve slamming them  to the ground, or kicking, or HANGING them.  THAT is a loss of control, the exact opposite of control. 

Abel needed direction, and that is what i was asking Mr. Cigar for.  The previous day i had walked Abel down the road with a woman jogging and yes he was interested, but I was able to divert his attention with a quick pull on his leash. He was actually quite good with me.  But yesterday the vibe was different and i felt out of control - which you cannot be with a dog that size and breed.  Me asking for assistance should not have been a huge scene.  It's what a responsible person does.  Ask for assistance when needed.

I have gone over that scene in my mind 10,000 times trying to find my fault.  Where i caused it.  Because that would excuse him.  But there is no excuse.  I have also considered that the reason he didn't want to kiss me is that he had been drinking and i would smell it.  It would explain the complete personality change from earlier in the day.  

Is there a good man in there?  I no longer care to find out.  Maybe he'll dry out, go to therapy, get right in his head and be a wonderful partner for someone else.  

Or maybe i'll see him on the news.

Meanwhile- I will acknowledge that it's difficult to let the good part of him go.  The man who motivated me, walked with me, encouraged me, took me to nice places, talked to me about his life and business, the man who is driven and successful.  

Feeling safe with someone is more important than anything else.  

I don't think this will be like last time, where I felt depressed as if something huge had been missed and it was my fault.  I was given a second chance to prove i was correct.  And it didn't take long, did it.  

I didn't block him this time, on anything.  I can let it go.  What he posts or does or sees does not concern me.  I don't need to protect myself.  I won't be responding to messages that i know will come eventually.  No hate.  Just, a conscious decision to do better for myself.