Make the change

 I have to stop feeding into my own negative mindset.

Who wouldn't feel bad when something they thought they wanted didn't come to be?

Thats life.  It's not a reflection on who i am, or what my value is.

He wasn't it.

Mr. Tattoo wasn't it.

The man who comes into my life, and stays.........he's it.  

I just haven't met him.

I turned off the dating site.  I've been in contact with a few men, and we'll see what happens or doesn't.  No investment in my part aside from giving my number when requested.

This morning i listened to a podcast talking about people who went to school to learn coding, can't find jobs now, mostly because of AI which has basically taken it over.  That retirement plan i had of being a consultant for webpages and databases......that has to be re-evaluated.  Technology moves faster than our education system, so at least i didn't invest  money into learning it.  I learn by doing.  And now i will have to learn something else.

Who knows what the world will look like in 10 years?  Maybe i will be given a ticket and my time will be up.  Maybe we'll all be so techy that we are starving.  Maybe it will be like soylant green.  I'll never forget that movie.  I think thats why tofu really gives me the willies.  I do eat it though......and i think of that movie.

What i'm saying is, i have bigger things to worry about than finding my soulmate.  In the event that he never arrives, my life will still need to be tended to minus the bliss of companionship.  

Its a shame too, because i've learned a lot over the years and i am going to make some lucky man a really good spouse.  I know when to leave someone alone, how not to feed into a fight or a mood, when to offer an opinion and how to live my life.  I'm a catch.  And i look good too.

And i'm fun.  When i get rolling, which neither man ever really got to see......i am funny as hell.  My friends love me, won't have a gathering unless i'm there, so that says something.  I make sure everyone is having fun and feels included.  I am an excellent hostess.  Just don't make me cook unless it's my idea.  People feel comfortable talking to me about personal things, and many come to me for comfort and/or advice.  

Look at my life.  And they want advice from me?  That always cracks me up.  But they are positive the right man will come, and he will be wonderful.  Because i won't accept less than that.  I sabatoge, or weed out the ones who don't hold up.  The ones who can't see past their own nose.  The ones who thought i wasn't enough. or too much.  

They aren't it.

And i remind myself that being in a relationship that doesn't feel good.........doesn't feel good.  It's awful.  I remember longing for the day where i could have my own small place and not have to worry about someone making a mess i had to clean up, or coming home and always knowing what type of mood would greet me there....my own.  Not ever being "in trouble"......i can't really remember that feeling anymore, but i remember having it and thinking "i'm too old to be in trouble"........

I want a partner who i respect, can rely on, and have fun with.  Someone i feel good around and someone who smiles when i walk into a room.  I want to share chores, and take care of each other- share thoughts that are serious and ridiculous.  I want to snuggle up to his back or touch feet while we sleep.  I want to sit quietly in the morning together and drink our coffee while the sun comes up.  And at night i want to have a drink together while we sit outside and decompress from the day.

Travel, friends, family....us together.  

Naturally, and comfortably.

and if sex is included in that, i would love that too.  But i've learned its the intimacy i crave.  Its the touch of someone who cares.  

None of it is complicated, or expensive, or too much to ask for.  But no one has asked.