Therapy

 My provider won't increase my meds for Anxiety and Depression. She wants me to go to therapy instead.  

My best friend has suggested more than once that i return to therapy.

So today i made an appointment for therapy.  It's online. I chose a man because his style was described as "Challenging, direct and solution oriented"  Amen to that!  Lets get this show on the road. 

I was a trained counselor.  I never actually counseled, outside of working at the youth shelter and that was unofficial.  They had a counselor already.  Also, it was a long time ago.

Some skills you use daily and don't even know it.  I can therapize myself like a wiz.  But do i actually listen to myself?  um, no.  Not a lot.  

It's like i can see the answers, but i'm impulsive and i ignore common sense in regard to relationships. I'm doing better with that. Case in point, i did NOT call Mr. Cigar to tell him to go blow, and I do NOT reach out to Mr. Tattoo because i realize he's not interested.

So Therapy.  wonderful. 

Hopefully he will be exactly as described.  I don't need any more hands to hold.  I need some real world solutions to this awful feeling of NOT feeling, or spiraling if i DO feel.  I want to not shut down, or the exact opposite, lose my shit and obsess.

I would like to not want to punch people.  That would be nice. 

I would like to be normal.

Am i crazy that every time i'm in the town that my ex lives in I text him a "wave"?  And he waves back?

Am I a narcissist because all think about is myself and wanting to be happy and satisfied?

Am i a bad mother?

Am i going to be homeless and have to sleep on the street?

Should i do drugs?

Am i unlovable?

Do i talk too much? too little? to the wrong people?

Why do i always feel so alone even when i'm with people who i know love me?

Why can't i turn my brain off?

He's going to earn his pay i can see that.