moth to a flame

 I'm processing yesterday.  We met at 1pm and i left him at 9pm.

That's a lot to process.

I slept last night.  I didn't wake up until the phone rang.  It's a good thing he called because i didn't set the alarm.

And when i heard his ringtone I felt happy.

Many mixed feelings here.  I don't trust him. Also, he pisses me off.  He really is an asshole.  And then he's not.  Part of me hates him.  And the other part recognizes him.

i'm very confused and what i need is time to see proof.  I need to go slowly into these dark waters or i will drown.  With a smile on my face.  But still. Drown.

We sat for a few hours and he did most of the talking telling me things i already knew.  I had already talked to Mary, his ex, not ex.....And they said the same thing but feel entirely different, see it different.  I told him it was none of my business and that i shouldn't have been in the mix at all.

I'm still chewing on everything he said to me.  

I very glad i have an appointment with my therapist on Friday.

I did tell a friend i was going to meet him.  And i did check in periodically.  She said "you broke up with him for a reason"

I did.  Well, he did.  And then i just cemented the door closed.

I don't know him.  Even he says this. He gave me all his reasons about where he was in his head when he met me.  None of it is for me to share here.  Valid reasons?  Not for me to decide.  When he says he was in a bad place, and is still working out of it........i believe him. And he brought me into it. Thats on him. 

i've believed him before and had that handed back to me with a big lesson.  This isn't about him.  This is about me, and how am i going to handle this, and what am i going to decide is the best thing for me.

Part of my brain tells me life is messy, and it overlaps.  Sometimes bad choices get made and we can't find our way out.  But not everyone makes bad choices, MB.      I do.  and i'd like to not do it again.

Giving him another chance is like laying on railroad tracks and wondering when the next train is coming.  Will i get up?  Or will i let him run me over.

He is a wild ride.  And when i'm with him, i'm with him.

I got there early on purpose.  I saw him walk in and look around.  I purposely didn't answer his message of "are you here".  He saw me and i saw him lift.  Thats the only way to describe it.  He said when he saw me he knew it would be okay.  He had in his head that i was bringing a male friend to kick his ass.

What world do you live in to even think that?

I asked him why he showed up if he thought that.  He said he had to see me in person to apologize because texting wasn't enough.  I told him words are air, and mean nothing.  He asked me for time to prove himself.

In my head i thought "all i have is time"

To him, i shrugged.  I was reserved, as i am.  I said little.  unlike me.  I let him say what he needed, and i had a beer.  By the time the second beer arrived i had plenty to say, while laughing - at him? with him? at us?  I flooded.  I said what i needed to say.

And we sat there still.  Not wanting to leave. or stay.  He asked me to go for a walk with him.  I laughed and asked him if he had a cliff picked out.  He said he didn't want to stay here, but he didn't want to let me go either.  He didn't want it to end.  He said it, i thought it.

My brain was swollen.  I shut it down to rest and went on automatic.  What feels right?

Punish him.  To what end.

Give in to him.  To what end.

So i went with him- followed him, to a walking path and we walked.  and talked. and laughed. We went off path on a short trail to the river and he helped me climb the rocks.  In my head i thought "is he going to push me?" but after standing there together he turned and kissed me instead.

What is the worse option?

His kiss felt like home.

fuck.

It felt good to be in his arms.

double fuck.

So i stepped back.  

Did he set this up?  This walk, the view, the kiss.......am i being manipulated or is this just exactly how i have always wanted a relationship to be?  

I'm going to have to figure it out.  He is all in. He wants this. I want time. 

I want to not feel foolish.

When i'm with him, its right.  And when i'm not, i wonder.  Is this a game to him?  How much of his past is an excuse for his stumbles, and are we worth the work.  Because it's going to be work.  

either together or apart we both need to work on our mental health.

I need to work now.  And focus on my life.  And see how he fits.