too short

 Yesterday i went to a wake for a close friends mother.  She was in her 90's and she wasn't always kind to my friend.  

During the last year of her life she required assistance from her children and my friend took on most of the care, due to being closest. They had time to bond, after all these years.  It was a beautiful thing, to have my friend shown love and appreciation after all the years of never being good enough.

Everything happens for a reason.  Life makes us stronger, or it gets the best of us.  Many times both depending on the day.

After the wake i went to my besties house because she was having some of her girlfriends over and was kind of mad i didn't plan on going.  So i went.  I've worked with all these ladies and i like all of them.  We all sat nibbling on charcuterie and snacks, catching up, laughing.  Women need to do this more often.  It's healing.

My bestie talked about a situation she is going through with one of her kids.  She said "fuck" a lot (totally out of character for her) and looked to me to support what she was saying because it sounds crazy.  But it really is happening.  She got the advice and support she needed, and more over, the room to vent and be understood.  All of us mothers.  We get it.  

I came home and as i was getting ready to wind down for the day, thinking about all the women in my life and how lucky i am to have such a strong network.......i rememberd my ring.  I had taken it off at Mr. Cigars house, and put it on top of this fancy cooler thing in his seasonal room because i didn't want it to pinch as i was walking the dog .....damn it all to hell.

I left it there.

Leave it.

I can't.

so i text him that i left my ring, that it is important to me and i'd like to get it back.  Short and sweet, he said he found it and no problem.

This reminds me of having to go to Mr. Tattoos and get my stuff.  How bad do i want this ring back?  It was a gift. I want it back.

I have to figure out how to get it without going to his house, and hopefully without having to see him at all.  The attraction is undeniable, but so is the dysfunction.  He makes sure i know he's in the world - why is my question.  Rather than feeling all emotional and reactionary- i feel pretty calm this time around.  It's not going to work.  

We can think of each other constantly, be attracted and want to be around each other - but his inability to take accountability for his actions, his anger.........his drinking.......is the reason it will never work.  I don't have to cut him out, hate him, or feel anything about it.  When he is sober he is what i want- but he isn't always sober.  And when he drinks he isn't just a jerk, he is dangerous.  And the things he does, wether he is drunk of not.........are bad.  Being drunk isn't an excuse.  

So the games of liking my posts or sending me "eyes" or "poking" me.........none of that matters.  Yes, he is in my mind, but not in the way he wants.  Yes, i'm sad it did't work out, but I feel relief not to have to wonder which Mr. Cigar i was seeing that day.  I like my peace.  I deserve safety at all times.

Life is too short.