What am i doing

 When i enter Mr. Cigars house, it's through the garage.  At the top of the steps, before you enter the door lies a specialty doormat, that has his and his ex's likeness and names as "dog parents".  When you enter the house, it's in the kitchen where on the cabinet is a yellow sticky note.  A love note, from his ex.  Still there.

And every time i see it, i wonder, what am i doing here?

And then i ignore it. Because it's easier.

Tonight, we had an serious conversation, not common, and it led down the path i knew it was leading to eventually - the acknowledgement that he isn't over her. (duh) even if he knows they are over.

mmmhmmm.

We rehashed our first time dating, and the first time breaking up.  

And the second.

And tonight, i think i broke up with him.  Not in an angry way, but in a way that protects me from whatever it is he is going through.  I have no desire to be rebound girl. 

It took me YEARS to get over my ex.  It may take Mr. Cigar years.  Or not.  And that isn't something i can control.  All i can control is myself.  And take care of myself.  

I never wanted another friend.  Our relationship has been so combustible from the start.  But i keep going back for more, because there is something there.  He comes back for......whatever his reasons are.  But i honestly feel that after all these months if he doesn't know how he feels about me.......it's a no brainer.

I'm not about to fall for someone who is still holding on to his ex.  

He's not going to magically heal and fall in love with me.

Thats not how life works.  If he was going to develop feelings, he would need to be over her first.  I've already overstayed.

No anger, but yeah, some hurt feelings.  I could have avoided this had i just paid attention to the signs right in front of my face.  He doesn't want to break up, but thats because he wants to forget someone he hasn't let go of.

I deserve a love of my own.  And hanging around with men who fall short of that isn't going to help me get there.  

He pisses me off , challenges me, scares me sometimes.......but after this weekend i can see myself softening and feelings stirring.

Now is the time to get out.  There should only be two people in my romantic relationship.  And this one is too crowded.