Repeat your past

 Yesterday was a perfect example of dating someone with a drinking problem.

Due to life experience, i knew this was coming.  

Mind you, we reconnected on Sunday, less than a full week ago.  One of the reasons was that he told me he knew he had a drinking problem and was working on it.  

That is the first step.

over, and over and over again.

I will not go into his personal demons, or his past in this blog because it's not my story to tell.  What i CAN tell is my experiences with him because they happen to me.  In the past, people have read my blog and gotten really ticked off at my point of view and to them I say "tell your own story".  No one reads this blog anymore, it was never intended as something to be promoted or make money off of.  It's just me, writing my thoughts and experiences.  From MY point of view.

With that said, I walked back into this relationship with wide open eyes.  When i saw him walk in to the restaurant on Sunday, i had no expectations other than letting him say his piece.  Curiosity? closure? hope? anger? revenge?  all those thoughts a possibility.  I took it as it came.

But i'm not the same woman he dated, when i was shiny and new with him.  I have dings, from HIM. But i think that is true in any relationship.  When its new, you are careful, you have a lot of energy and positivity, and then life gets in, familiarity gets in. 

I have an appointment with my therapist today.  Guess what the main event will be?

Yesterday started out positively. He called in the morning, we talked as we got ready for work, and wished each other a good day.  Later he called and we had a short conversation.  We keep in tough randomly as we can, but not constantly.  We are both busy at work.  

He had told me he had a meeting scheduled with a new client after work, and then he later told me he was at the gun range (in close proximity to his evening appointment) because he had a feeling it was going to fall through.

My plan, was to go home, change, go walk - then come home, shower, and relax with my coloring books and audiobook.  

We mixed up our wires.  At 4pm he texted me and i knew immediately he had been drinking.  He is obnoxious.  I don't react, but respond. He tells me to come to his house to go walking.  Then he sends me a picture of a bar, and what he's drinking.

Why he did that is beyond me, but it saved me from being around him drunk.

I told him i was going to skip this evenings adventure and go walking by my house, as i had planned.

That did not go over well.  

Normal Mr. Cigar would not have cared at all.  This one, though, took it as a rejection.  Because that is where he is in his head.  I know this from PERSONAL experience.  I identify with it completely.  It's almost a panicked response, a flurry of texts that are both trying to be funny and trying to guilt the other person, because in your adult brain you know it's not a big deal, but your body is responding to it like danger, rejection, hurt......add alcohol and it gets ugly fast.

So i went walking, this is his deal. I didnt get into a nasty back and forth that he was bending over backwards to get me to fight with him.  I have no fight.  This is his fight, with himself.  

I didn't ignore him, or feed into it.  I didn't get  upset, but i wasn't involved either.  I treated him the way i wish i had been treated when i was spiraling.  And then he finally stopped.

What was he doing? drinking more? did he call someone else to come over? was he okay? are we over now? this are the thoughts that started to go in my head as i went to bed.  And i let them slide right through my head without latching on and obsessing.  I have no control over his actions, only my own.  Everything doesn't have to be earth shattering.  Sometimes, moments are just moments and situations are just temporary.  I slept fine.

Do i want to coach myself though this type of situation over and over?  No.  I do not.  BUT i identify with him and his spirals.  He is going to have to figure it out, do the work himself.  But it doesn't mean his whole self is that part.  

I will not associate with Nasty Mr. Cigar.  I don't have to.  He does.  

This morning he texted, not called.  We both said we hated last night.  I know he is feeling embarrassed, and he probably should.   

Writing it here helps me to document and hold myself accountable to MYSELF.  In a strange way i am attracted to his dark side because i recognize it in myself.  I don't have a drinking or drug problem, mine comes out differently.  But i recognize the need, the pain, the history of it.  

Time will tell.