but why tho

 After work i walked for three miles.  With Mr. Cigar.

I know.

What the hell is this love/hate situation.  

He said "are you ready to go walking?" and i said, "meet halfway walk path" and that was that.

Selfish? Stupid? Glutton for punishment? death wish?

Or, i knew i would walk three miles at a good clip because he would gode me into it- and i don't do that by myself.  That motivatation means the world to me.  I have to do this if I am going to continue to lose wieght and if i am going to increase my mobility.

Thats a sorry ass excuse.  I would say that to someone in my shoes.

We have never slept together.  Just pointing that out.  There is no dickmatized going on here.  

Was i comfortable walking with him? No.  He's a slave driver.  He forces me to keep pace, not slow down.  He's more of a sadistic coach than a romantic interest.  

Whats in it for him?  

We talk about money, retirment, life........He tells me i walk "sloppy" and corrects me.  He walks with a cigar.  And i enjoy my back aching and the sweat poring out of me as he stays cool as a cucumber.  That fucker.

"Feel my back".........no sweat.  Meanwhile, i'm drenched.  He says, good.  Keep sweating.  Move.  And i do.

I try to correct my walking, and it slows me down, then he complains.  I did the whole three miles without complaint and i didn't feel like i was going to die.  I could breath. My back hurt and my legs did not. I have 2 more visits with my physical therapist and she said she would show me core excersize for strength.  My legs are definelty stronger but not enough.  My balance had definetly improved, but not enough.  

My idea was that this year i would be the best version of myself.  It's slow work.  But i'm seeing results.

Part of me wants to accidentally see Mr. Tattoo so he can see how far i've come and make him wish he had kept me.  I know, or i don't think, it had anything to do with my appearance, but .......i'm looking good.  And i'm not near done. Maybe i would be public worthy now. 

I like pain, apparently. I like to remind myself that i wasn't it for him.  I have to let that go. It's ridiculous.

So Mr. Cigar.  Why can't we stay away from each other.  I have nothing to offer him.  he has it all.  And yet he is filled with rage.  with pain.  He says he's not.  He definitely is.  He is a walking ball of rage and he does have a drinking problem.  I don't care how much he denies it.

I won't be around him if even a drop of that behavior is taking place. Yes, i will leave, no, i will not feel bad about it.  I'm not anyone's punching bag.  If i'm not driving , i can call uber.  Don't think i won't.  I am really good at leaving.  I've learned.

If i don't like a situation, or i feel unsafe, i have no qualms about vacating the area.  

I don't know why im in contact with him but i am.  I have left many a man over the years without thinking twice about it.  What makes him different?

I see myself in him.  I identify.  Shit, thats what scares me. 

And i have fun with him. We never lack for anything to talk about, debate, learn from each other. I dont like all of him.  I sure as hell do not.  But there is a lot that i do.

And i can't seem to stop.  Maybe i'm sick.  

My therapist said if he choked me once he will choke me again.

That keeps going through my head.  Is she being extreme or am i being an idiot. Or both. 

Those people in the news..........i'm sure it wasn't always bad.  

I am meant to learn something.  I have no idea what, but i am drawn to him almost against my will.  Why.