But why.

 I had a rough night.

After coming home from my trip everything is just hitting me square in the face.  I lost Miyagi. I gave Ninja to my son.  My home is empty.

Yesterday i washed my carpets and put them back down.  I gathered all the items that go along with living with four legged friends.  My son doesn't want anything for Ninja, he's acclimated her to using the pet food and litter that they use for Mal.  He says she is settling in nicely and is part of the family.

I know i did the right thing, but it makes me feel guilty.  Ninja lost her best friend (even though Miyagi barely put up with her) and then i not only left her, but rehomed her with my son while i was gone.

What a shitty cat parent.  

I don't want to be responsible for another life.  I don't want to make that kind of decision again.  I waited too long for Miyagi, i see that now.  I let him suffer.  I was blind. I failed him.  I knew he was getting older and i had looked into at home euthanasia for when the time came.  I wanted him home, in his bed, with me and Ninja there.  Like a normal day for him.  But instead, i waited too long and i still don't know what happened.

He was eating in the kitchen and i was in the living room.  I heard crashing, and thought something had fallen.  Then i heard him crying.  I found him laying on the floor spasming with his tongue out.  His little body.  I still don't know what made the crashing sound.  A well meaning friend suggested that this could have been happening while i wasn't home.....that maybe it wasn't his first episode.

But it was his last.  I should have been a better friend and not let him go through this.

I was mad at Ninja because she was still here.  I felt coldness for her.  I wondered if it wasn't her fault, even though i know it wasn't.  I couldn't cuddle her and kept pushing her away.  I have a hole in my heart.

Yes, Miyagi was a dog. 

I don't think i will survive the loss of a person close to me.

I literally hurt.  My brain tells me this is life, this is nature, this is normal.  This happens.  But why does it HURT.  Is it a flaw in creation?  If this happens to everyone, why does it HURT so much when it happens. This hurts. 

Maybe i was wrong to let Ninja go but because she is with my son, and because i know she will be loved and spoiled in a way that i can no longer give to her......i feel it was best for her.  

What do i do with all these well loved things?  Before i left for vacation i filled my sons car with what i thought was most of Miyagi's belongings.  I told him to donate it, or give it to someone he knew would use it,  but NOT to throw it away......and not to tell me what he did with it.  I don't want to know.

I kept some things, and i will make something out of them to remember him.  When i'm old and senile maybe it will make me smile to remember.  I took his name tag off his collar and I wear it on a long chain around my neck so it sits on my heart.  He wore it for ten years.  Now i wear it.

Ridiculous.  But he was literally my best friend in the world.  His little body stretched out along side mine at night.  I couldn't sleep without him.  He went everywhere with me, literally.  I never went a full 24 hours without him.  He moved 5 times in 5 years with me, he snuggled me during heartbreak, when i was lonely, he was always there with me.  When i started to lose my shit he would bark bark bark and redirect my thoughts to quieting him instead of spiraling.  He was my sanity.

And now i have this hole.  

No more pets.  It hurts too much to lose them.  I failed him when he needed me to take care of him. 

The real re-start

 I'm motivated.

I took all the carpets that i had put in storage and brought them back.  I'm deep cleaning them (Its hot as hell in my apartment due to being in the center unit and everyone cranking their heat because of the ridiculous cold weather)  They will dry fast.

I had put them in storage because Miyagi was piddling on them - first sign he was failing since he always used the peepee pads before that.  Yes, my dog was a whopping 5 lbs and had a bladder the size of a teaspoon.  He used peepee pads.  There was no way he was going 8 hours without peeing, or even one hour.  

So....no more buying peepee pads.  Now i can put the carpets back.  

I'd rather have Miyagi back.  

I'm also keeping myself busy. Trying to start what to me, is a new life.  No pets?  No need to come home every day?  No-one to greet me at the door or sit in the window watching me?  I am going to let my son and his wife keep Ninja.  I feel an emptiness inside me.  She shouldn't be here alone all the time and they are home more often.  They have a kitty and Ninja will have a sister.  I think it's best for her.

I feel empty.

Work is picking up so that will keep my brain occupied while i adjust to being completely alone.  No calls to look forward to, no plans to make for dinner, no visiting the dogs at Bills house.......I need a new routine.  A HEALTHY routine that gives back to me.

This weekend it will be really cold again, and i am staying home and doing what i do.  Cleaning, re-arranging, crafting, sleeping, reading, binge watching tv.......alone.  And that's okay.  

minds well

 Last night i broke up with Bill for the final time.

I know, i've said that before - and should have saved myself some time, but there is something about him that i identify with. His fuckedupedness was familiar to me.  

Some time apart, while we were "together" showed me that he is just not enough.  What he offers me is crumbs to keep me around for company.  The only time he actually wants me is when he doesn't have me.  He is the typical type that only wants what he can't have, or take away from someone.  

No judgement.  Thats got to be a lonely life.  It's not one i'm interested in.  I need consistency, intimacy, and companionship.  Someone i can depend on, who wants to share their life with me, not fit me into the empty spaces.  Someone who wants to be involved with my life also.  I don't  think it's "negative" to have expectations, or to want consistent affection.  

But that's what he did. turned it all around and made it about my shortcomings that he "couldn't work around"......Every time he opened his mouth last night he reinforced that i'm too good for him.

Imagine, having me and not being able to keep me.  What a loser.  

Here's what my indicator was....I didn't really care that i didn't hear from him much.  It didn't affect me at all aside from noticing, which I was meant to.  Everything he does is with purpose, this i know about him. But i'm at the point in my life where someone TRYING to make me feel bad has no place.  

So i'm single, as i have been all along.  Maybe someday i'll meet a man who matches me and we will live happily ever after.  But time is going by fast, and I can't live my life hoping for a partner.  I'm settled into being single and happy. I have everything i need, and too much of what i don't need.

I wish it had worked out with Carlos.  That i regret.  Bill? no regrets, just lessons. He never gave me anything to miss. 

I think timing is everything.  It's only a month into 2026 and i've lost Miyagi, but found out my son and his wife are due in July.  The circle of life in motion.  I left the country for the first time, but now i'm so broke i won't be going anywhere for a while.  Well worth it.  I thought i had found my partner, but with time away and some time to think outside of the chaos, I realized I don't want it.  I knew, in my heart, but i needed that time to step away. I was done before he told me he didn't have feelings for me.  Duh. 

No, i won't be dating purposely.  If i meet someone fine.  But looking for him isn't working so.....living my life the way I want to is the way to go.  Being such a homebody doesn't make that easy.  But who knows?  If i'm meant to have another great love, it will happen.  I give it up to the universe and make space in my head and heart for opportunity.

More on the vacation, and pictures coming.  

I hope the memories don't fade

 My first cruise is complete.  Will i go on another?  I could be talked into it, but one is probably enough.  I can see it being very different with a romantic partner.  Not better, just different.

Of course, my anxiety kicked in.  I pretty much followed everyone else for the first few days, and then I got anxious.  There are no indicators that its coming on, it just comes.  I had no time alone for 12 days.  I draw all my energy internally, and with no time alone to reboot, it got to be a lot for me.

There are people everywhere, all the time.  I love Doug, Jen and Eddie, but i don't want to see ANYONE every day all day, EVER.  It's a lot.  And i'm quite sure i became a lot for them too.  But, we all travel well together, thank the gods.  

Thinking about how to break this down - so much to remember.  I'll start with the islands.  Bahamas, Nassau.......sucked ass.  The people were mean, the prices were crazy, the place was dirty and if you wanted to touch a beach it was gonna cost you.  It was raining, so no one was actually on the beach but my mission was to touch the ocean and collect a little bit of sand from each island we stopped at.  There was a literal guard at the beach, which was surrounded by a tall metal fence with all garbage collected at its base. The man at the gate looked at me like i was bothering him.  I asked him how much would it cost for me to run down to the beach, turn around and run back?

Mind you, not one person was on this filthy ass beach to start with.

He looked at me and with a deadpan voice said "$80 per person per day"....I asked him how much for 2 minutes?  Same response.  I said the beach is empty and it's raining.  He just looked at me.  Nice.

And the people ALONG THE PIER, i don't have any idea what the rest of the island is like, are very aggressive, and overwhelming.  This place left a really bad taste in my mouth.  Since i couldn't get sand, i picked up dirty pebbles.  Bahamas can kick rocks.

Bahamas Nassau = No bueno.  No desire to return.

Now, Dominican Republic- we ended up at a private beach because the men were too heavy to go ziplining.  I was very disappointed, since I've been dreaming of zip lining for months.  HOWEVER, we stay together and there was nothing to be done about it except change the plan.  

The ride to the beach was.......an education.  We Americans are very spoiled, and take a LOT for granted.  I saw real poverty.  Houses that are empty shells, falling down, and people living in them.  Lots of mopeds.....moped gangs even.  Traffic is all over the place.  Garbage is part of the landscape, with beautiful mountains in the distance.  The people we came in contact with were friendly.  Our tour guide was funny and fun too.  The beach was pretty, but the sand is just like Connecticut's.  The WATER though.......gorgeous.  It was clean, and we sat on cabana chairs and had drinks brought to us all day.  Can't beat that.  I recorded the ride out because there was a building i wanted to take a picture of and you can really see the difference in what tourists see and experience compared to how the people who work at these resorts live.  If you walked down the beach, you could see where the beauty stopped and the debris and garbage started.  If your town was consistently knocked down due to storms and there was little money to rebuild......you would live the same.  It could happen to America too.  
We need to keep our noses out of the air and appreciate the what we have.  

Dominican Republic = Liked it a lot, would return.

The grand finale thought, was Grand Turks.  This was the deciding factor for me.  I had no desire to go on a cruise EVER but Jen talked me into it because it was for her 50th and Turks and Caicos was the carrot.  It was everything i thought it would be, even though we were only there, in one place for the day.  We booked a private home, with a private beach as an excursion.  There were a total of 14 people.  We spent the day on the beach, just us.  We had gorgeous water, views, and sand.  There was a ton of shells and sea glass to collect.  The weather was perfect, the people who made us lunch and served us drinks (many) were so fun!  We danced, we drank, we sunbathed and snorkeled.  It was literally a perfect day.

Grand Turks = LOVED IT.  

Pictures to be added.

They don't stamp your passport anymore apparently.  I did go have an unofficial stamp added in DR because it was at the port.  I didn't WANT one from the Bahamas, but i was disappointed not to get one at Grand Turks.  Everything is electronic now.  

The shopping was pretty much all the same.  Tourist stuff.  Cheap.  I bought my granddaughter a hand made doll from DR, and collected some shells and sand for her.  I bought Bill (i know, i know) a bag of money.  Not kidding.  It's what he loves.

He's a different entry.

The boat itself, will be a different entry.

For now, i'm doing laundry and trying to get my living situation back on track.

I'm back from paradise!

 Where to start?  I'll make this brief since its 9pm on a Tuesday night and my body has no idea what hit it.  My times are all turned upside down.  I've been having fun.

This year has started out so sad, losing my best friend in the whole world.  Thinking of Miyagi's last hours with me stabs my heart.  I miss him terribly.  No one could have told me how much his absence in my life would feel like a gaping hole.  While i was away i could avoid the pain most times.  But now i'm home and it's so quiet.  

I donated his ashes to a company that makes special wreathes to help grow coral, which apparently, there is a shortage of.  Miyagi's ashes, and other pets, are mixed with a special type of cement and placed into the ocean.  

While i was snorkeling, amateur snorkeling that involved a lot of salty water in my mouth......It occurred to me that the artificial reef structures that are along the coast of Grand Turks are the same thing...and it brought me immeasurable peace to think that Miyagi's ashes would be somewhere in the world that is so incredibly beautiful, helping life to thrive.  I didn't want him in a container on a shelf.......He's not in the ashes.  

I'm very tired.  And it looks like an explosion happened in my living room.  I don't know where to start unpacking.  I'm just ......very tired.

So a little time to percolate on the enlightening time away, with a two day snow delay added....I'm taking yet another day off  tomorrow to get my shit together.

Did i say how tired i am?

Glad to be home.  

Clearing my head

 Coming home from work has been the worst.  It's when i miss him the most.

Today, my son came over to check and make sure his key worked.  He is going to be taking care of Ninja, my cat.  While he was here i gathered most of Miyagi's belongings and asked if he would please give them to someone who needs them, or donate them.  I do not need to know which.  Just don't throw anything away.  There was a lot.

I didn't include his toys, i kept our favorite outfits and the blanket he slept on in his bed.  And his collar.  Just some keepsakes to comfort me.  He is gone.  He is feeling no pain.  I need to remind myself that he had a great life, and we had our time together.

My son is asking about Ninja, and if i still wanted to re-home her.  I did, when Miyagi was alive, because he hated her.  Now, i just feel bad that she is here alone all day and my son works remotely most days, and has a kitten that would be her friend.  If he wants to take her i will let him.  If my daughter wanted her, i would let her take her.  But i need to know she is in good hands.  

Otherwise, her and I will ride it out and get used to our new lives.  I just feel empty.  

Helping Bill with the new puppy takes up some time.  Tonight i'm puppy sitting for a few hours i'll have her and the boys.  It makes me sad, but it also is very different.  These pups aren't mine.  I love them, but it's not the same.  It will never be the same.

Yes, all this over a dog.  If you don't understand i don't know if i feel sorry for you or jealous.  

My vacation starts tonight.  My first time out of the country is coming right up.  I've got my passport burning a hole in my pocket, waiting for it's first stamp.  Here i come.  Wish me luck.

Grief

 I keep thinking i hear him.  And I find myself stopping in the middle of a routine, realizing, he's not there.

This morning i swore i heard his little feet tapping on the floor.

I feel a little crazy.  

Yesterday i thought i did fairly well at work.  I had told them why i wasn't coming in Tuesday, so when they saw me they all were giving condolences, and some sharing their own losses.  It felt good to know i don't work with assholes.  Some people just don't understand the bond.  Especially when it's just you and your dog.  

When i went home it hit me hard when i opened the door and he did not come to greet me.  It was fresh again.  Any scab forming got ripped off.  I was messy.  And i let myself BE messy.  I loved him very much and he was a huge part of my life every single day......i think a few meltdowns are warranted.  Like i tell others, "give yourself grace"......i gave myself grace. 

I'm not sure what to do with his collar.  I've been carrying it around with me in my pocket and i'm afraid i will lose it.  This morning i left it home.  I think, i will take a few of my favorite pictures of him and make a shadow box.  I will put his pictures, his collar, and a piece of his blanket into it.  Maybe some of his hair.  This sounds insane but i have one of his teeth too.  This will be my homage to him because forgetting him isn't something that will ever happen.

I removed his name tag from his collar and put it on a chain around my neck.  He wore this for 10 years and i feel closer to him having it near my heart.

Add some guilt to the emotional rollercoaster. 

I went to Bills Tuesday night and spend time with the boys and the puppy.  Bill opened the door and handed me River and walked away.  I had a few hours of doggie time.  The boys are actually listening to me, but i'm not sure if it's because they just happen to want to do what i'm telling them, or because they are listening to my direction.

I've been very conscious of not being a peer in the pack.  Bill would point out when they were showing dominance and i would re-direct them.  Tuesday, Kane nipped at River through the gate and without thinking i sternly told him "NO". He put his head down like he knew he was in trouble.  

When we were outside Bill was yelling something in the house and i couldn't hear him.  So i automatically told both Kane and Abel "HOUSE" and even though i had literally just taken them out they both ran into the house.

So maybe we are getting there.  Maybe i can be dog mom to two Cane Corsos and a Drahthaar puppy.  Maybe i can let myself get attached.  These are NOT my dogs.  Bill is the boss. I just enforce his rules. I never wanted large dogs because i knew i'm not the disciplinarian that dogs like that need.  And i hate it when people HAVE large breeds and don't train them.  They are making people hate their dog and it's their fault.  They are putting their dog and themselves in danger because they are twats.

So i never entertained the thought of having a large dog.

Here i am now, step momming.  Friday night i'm dog sitting while Bill goes to a party with his business partner......smh.  Funny thing is, i prefer dog sitting to going to a party where i don't know anyone.  I'm not in "meet new people" mode at the moment.

Enjoying the boys, and River also makes me feel guilty.  But they are totally different from Miyagi.  Bill has been really quite supportive regarding Miyagi.  I texted him when i came back from the animal hospital and told him Miyagi was gone.  He was sleeping, but when he woke up he was immediately on the phone to me.  He checked in on me all during that night, knowing i was struggling.  He told me i did the right thing, etc. But he acknowledged how much it hurts, etc.  He was there for me.  And  that has been noted.

I know it's never going to be the same as Miyagi.  We were soul mates. 

This is hard

 On Monday night, 1/12/26, I heard a crash in the kitchen.  I saw my cat on her tower, so i knew it wasn't her.  I went into the kitchen and my best friend in the whole world was laying on his side, tongue out, crying and seemingly unable to move.

I don't know for sure, but I believe he had a seizure.  I grabbed my coat and my wallet, wrapped him in a blanket and drove to the animal hospital with him in my lap.  All the way there i talked to him about the day i met him, why i fell in love with him, all the good times we have had together, what he means to me and how he has improved my life.  I promised him i would not be selfish, i would not let him suffer.

At christmas time my kids had "the talk" with me about Miyagi.  They had seen a huge difference in his appearance and behavior.  I knew he was getting older and starting to lose his eyesight, not being as active, losing weight, and that he had a little doggie dementia.  I always gave him food whenever he wanted it, it was always out for him.  For a while, he was eating at 2am and that meant me having to get up and "touch" his food so he would eat it.

I would do anything for this dog.  He was still eating, peeing and pooping, greeting me at the door to go outside.  He didn't appear to be in pain.  I wasn't going to put him down because he was getting older.

I was worried about going away for a week and not having him with me.  I was scared that something might happen and i wouldn't be able to get to him.  But i'm a worrier.  That is what i do.  

When the vet came in to talk to me they couldn't immediately find what had happened to him.  All his vitals were good, he didn't have a temperature and he was breathing well.  He did have a small heart murmer, his teeth were bad (what was left) and he was underweight.  They could keep him for testing to find out what was wrong.

I could never take him to clean his teeth because they would put him under anesthesia and i knew his little body would not survive it.  Miyagi was a stubborn boy, and would only eat what he has been eating for 10 years.  I tried everything, co-workers tried everything, friends tried everything...he would eat nothing but his food, which he at peice by peice so i couldn't mix it with anything. Miyagi was no dummy.  If i soaked the kibble in gravy, water, milk, anything at all.....he refused to eat it.

I knew this day was coming but i didn't expect it when it happened. I wasn't leaving him there.  I could see he was disoriented, walking in small circles and whimpering, not responding to me.  I considered his sudden weight loss, sleeping most of the time.....and now this possible seizure. I picked him up cuddled him, talked to him and told him i was going to let him sleep.  That he would become an angel because he certainly saved my life on many occasions, and then i let the tech take him for an IV. 

When they came back, i held him in my arms.  I couldn't see his face, but i felt him shaking, heard his squeeks.....i kissed him.  I told him i loved him forever and then the vet added the sleep agent to his IV.  I felt him stop shaking and his little body relaxed.  Sleep my boy.  and then the vet added the medicine that would stop his heart.  She waited and checked.  He was gone.

She left the room and i stood swaying side to side with him in my arms like a baby.  My baby. I held him and remembered the first time i held him.  I consciously engraved this moment into my brain, to remember the last.

I wanted to see his little face again, so I laid him on his favorite blanket on the table. I tucked the blanket around his still little body, and pet his head.  His eyes were open but empty.  His little tongue stuck out and I told him I loved him again.  I kissed him on his head then took off his collar.  That wrecked me.  

Miyagi loved his collar.  When i would bathe and groom him, putting his collar back on was the final step.  He knew he was done.  Right up until the last time he would get zoomies and puff his little chest out because i'd tell him how HANDSOME he was.  

Taking his collar off for the last time wasn't what i thought would be the hardest thing i'd have to do.

The tech came back in and told me to take the blanket.  I told her i wouldn't.  It was his and even if they wouldn't cremate him with it, i wanted him to have it until they did.  I waited for her to take him and I walked out to my car.

leaving his little body was the next hurdle.  My imagination is horrendous.  

But i'm going to be very honest.  I do not believe in the afterlife.  I don't think we need our bodies "when Christ returns".  Our bodies are just casings that hold our spirits, our dreams, our loves and our losses.  When we die we are set free from worldly concerns.  Our body is of no consequence.

I have never visited my fathers grave after he was buried.  He's not there.  I did not ask for Miyagi's ashes back.  He's not there.  

He is in my memory and the memory of everyone who loved him.  And there were a lot of people who loved him.  I had no idea.  He lives in my heart, and right now, in every tear i cry for myself over losing him.  

I don't know what happens to our souls when our body expires.  I hope i meet him again.  I hope when i pass that i find his spirit again. 

People ask me if i'm getting another dog.  Like that would make me feel better.  Like buying a new dishwasher when the old one breaks?  He was my friend.  He was one of a kind and he will NEVER be replaced even if i ever do find another animal that needs me.

For now, i will grieve him until the memories only make me giggle over his antics.  I will be grateful that he was in my life for the time that he was.  I will be strong enough, eventually, not now, to donate his blankets, beds, food and clothing.  He had a lot.  But not today.  Not this week.  I will save his collar and his second-favorite blanket for my own comfort and need to hold something since it can't be him.

I will love him forever.  Until we meet again.  

ugh. Leave well enough alone

 But no, i will not do that again.

I will not throw myself into a relationship on blind faith and hope that the feelings are returned.  I will not behave as a girlfriend/wife for a man who is not committed to me.

Or one who doesn't want to "label" it.

I don't have to be a genius to figure out why.  None of the reasons really matter either because the bottom line is...i'm not the one.  Not today.  Mayyyyybe someday.  But not today.  I have not been chosen.  I am good enough for now though.

I'm not trying to be sarcastic.  To me, a man who cannot say he is in a relationship with me owes me nothing.  Not loyalty, not commitment, no reason to be faithful, or consider me in any way.  Thats what dating is.  When you are figuring it out.  Deciding if this is the one you want to choose.  

And if not, you just keep me on the line until you find the one you do.  Or not.  But there is no relationship.  Because, you never claimed me.  

Carlos did that.  I'd spend time at his house, didn't require that he continue to "date" me by taking me out, keeping my interest, proving himself to me.......I just fell right into being available for him.  And that was a huge mistake that i still regret.  Perhaps if i hadn't been so available, so agreeable, a little less enthusiastic about him..........he would have had time to actually want me.

Or maybe not.  We'll never know.

Bill doesn't want anything on social media.  He is adament about saying he is only spending time with me, and Carlos said the same thing.  I believed him, and i believe Bill.  But i'm not the go between, or the good enough for now girl.  I'm a keeper.  

They call it a situationship.  I call it messy.  Bill has his reasons, that really are none of my business.  What IS my business is how i handle myself, and how i spend my time.  What i make a priority.  And after todays conversation, which wasn't bad, He cannot be my priority.

I come first in my life.  I'm single.  I'm spending time with Bill.  No labels, his choice.  Not mine.  I've been clear how i feel and he has made it clear how he feels.  Thats the good part.  Better to know.  Will i begin dating others now?  No.  But if i meet a man, i'm not committed to anyone.  I'm free to flow...i mean go with the flow.

Yes, i have feelings for him, yes he told me he had feelings for me when we got back together.  Do i feel duped?  A little, yes.  But he's not the only man to say whatever he needs to to get what he wants.

Men always love the way i make them feel loved.  How i adore them.  How i stroke their ego and make them feel less alone.  But you know, they never return that favor.  And my charity work quota is filled.

When a man makes a choice to not claim me, that is completely up to him.  He's not ready, or he has too much on his plate or mind....whatever his reasoning is, it's not enough for me.  There was a time i felt bad about it.  I felt unworthy, not enough looks, personality, money or whatever the story was that i told myself.

But i don't deal in stories anymore.  I am a smart beautiful woman with a good job and a beautiful family.  I have very close friends.  My life is good.  I have my shit together and i'm FUN.  But i'm not for just anyone.  He needs to be worthy of me.  And a man who cannot choose me, is not worthy.

I'm not breaking up with Bill - i'm not looking to fill his place.  I'm going with the flow, as the men like to say.  I'm stepping back.  That is what going with the flow looks like to me.  It looks like i stay home in my comfortable space with my own pets after work.  I also have a comfy recliner i can fall asleep in and not have to drive home after.  It looks like I make plans and if i have spare time, you can take me out.  But i'm not just "hanging" out like i'm in a relationship.  No Sir, no thank you.  I have enough friends.  If you want my time, you can earn it. You aren't offering me anything interesting.  You need to prove to me that i want to be around you, doing nothing, just because you are that good.  THAT is relationship status, when you no longer need to court me.  These men got it twisted.  

I have everything i need.  I don't "need" Bill.  Or any man.  I take care of my own needs.  I want a relationship.  Why would i put effort into "no labels" or anything or one who cannot see that i am the prize?

I don't have to prove it to anyone.  Don't know if i'm "IT"?  Thats okay. I will not continue to lament on how Carlos didn't work out, How my ex cheated on me, how my ex husband chose drugs over his family.......None of it was anything i ever had any control over. All of it was wasted time with only myself to blame because i SETTLED.  Never. Again. 

Someday, a man is going to see me and know he wants me in his life.  He is going to know he wants me, all of me.  Not just the parts he picks.  HE will commit, he will profess love and he will adore me just as much as i adore him.  In public, in front of the world. That is love. 

Until that day, i'm all about me.  Me first, what is best for me only, and frankly, i don't care about making anyone elses life better while they wait for something they think is worth committing to.

I'm not sad.  I'm relieved that my feelings were correct.  I'm getting in deeper and i'm attached to someone who is not in the same place as me.  Doesn't make him a bad man.  But right now, i do not "have a man" and will live my life accordingly.

Whats that song?  If you like it then you should have put a ring on it?  yeah.  THAT.  I deserve to be shown off to the world, proudly.  He should be thrilled he gets to be with me.  

Nothing less.  Fuck that nonsense.

Puppies and double lives

 Bill got a puppy.  I am in puppy heaven.  

Also, puppies have never ending energy, sharp little teeth, and then they just drop and sleep wherever they are.  

And BIG BOYS are very undecided if they will tolerated this little bundle of energy.

Kane says, absolutely not.

Abel says, he just wants to sniff her butt.

Bill says, he's not worried about it. 

The gate between the kitchen/dining area and the great room is doing its job.  Everyone can see each other and the boys watch her run around with her pull rope (bigger than she is).  

AND i got in trouble with the dogs again.  This dog life is complicated.  I took the boys outside, as i do.....and this time, they heard something and both took off running around the house barking.....I yelled to Kane and he turned around and came back to me.  Abel, on the other hand - said fuck off.

I didn't know what to do.

So i ran into the house for Bill, and told him.  Then i got yelled at.

So i ran back outside and yelled for Abel in my "I mean business" voice, and started walking around the house to find him.....but he came running back to me almost immediately.

I was shocked.

But then Bill told me he knew i meant well, but he would let the dogs out from now on.  That pissed me off.  I don't know shit about being the boss with big dogs.  I never had to, and i've been very honest about my confidence in being able to control them.  But whatever Bill, you can do it all then instead of  teaching me.

Later, i took them out again.  At night. Which i said i'd never do again.  But this time, i reviewed the steps with Bill, and then i took them out.  He must think i'm retarded. But i need some time to acclimate into dog mom.  Anyways, a GOOD dog mom.  And with the puppy, her name is River, I get a chance to grow with her.

I think.

Because this morning i woke up sad.  I can't post pictures of the cutie or her dad on my social media.  I don't get bragging rights about how smart she is, fetching already.  She's not mine.  He's not mine.  Not publicly.

I don't want to be one of those women posting pictures and gushing about how in love she is, but i do want to post pictures of  things i do, and things i get excited about....parts of MY life too.....like playing with a puppy all day.  

I leave on my cruise soon.  And i've decided to say nothing about anything until i come back.  It IS strange that i'm taking a cruise with Doug, Jen and Eddie- and that Eddie and i are sharing a room.  I wouldn't like it either, BUT, I wouldn't have agreed to go if Bill hadn't of broken up with me back then. And Eddie is my friend, we travel well together.  I'm not screwing him, or my friends, out of paying for my trip.  I'm going, and i'm going to have a great time.  Bill was invited to come as well when we got back together but he has too many reasons he needs to be home.  That is his choice.

So i get that we might be on a bit of "hold" until i come back.  Hell, for all i know he may break it off with me.  Or me him!  A week apart, with most likely little to no contact, will do us both good.  Give us both time to miss each other, or decide we really don't miss each other at  all.  

I just hope we both agree to the same choice.

What do people remember you for?

 When i was in high school, i alway had a few books going.  There were no audiobooks WAY back in the 1980's so i carried my choices around with me along with all my schoolbooks.  (Also before tablets)  

I was not a good student.  I did just enough to get by.  After skipping most of my freshman year and having to go to summer school (which i paid for) i knew i had to at the very LEAST show up for each class.  That alone would pass me.  

I was a sophomore, and i took a history course about the history of England.  I thought i'd like all the kings and queens - but once i realized i had to learn dates, and people all had the same damn names.....i checked out.  I loved listening to my teacher talk during class - it was story time.  But i hated taking notes then, and nothing stuck.  I failed every test, so i would write smart ass answers hoping my wit would pass me.  It didn't.

At the end of  the semester, as i was taking a quiz, Mr. Mulconory passed by my desk and picked up the book i was reading.  It was a book of poems by Dylan Thomas.  I had a fascination with Death.  Not in a "i want to kill people" way, but a "how does Death fit into life" kind of way.  This fell into line with my serial killer fascination, but in a more normal way. I was more concerned with the people left behind.

But i digress.  He picked up my book, looked at it, then put it back down.  Then he told me to see him after class.  

When the bell rang, he pulled me aside and basically reemed me.  Told me i was lazy, put forth no effort and it was a waste of my brain.  He told me anyone who is reading Dylan in high school of their own free will was too damn smart to throw my education away.  He was mad.  He was red in the face.  He made an impression.

No one had ever insinuated i was smart.  I just read a lot of books.  This man, this grown up, said i was smart.  And i never forget that, or him.  I did not pass his class.  HOWEVER, i did better in all my classses after that.  I put effort in.  During my senior year of highschool i got straight A's.  (Thats because a counselor at Central University told me i should go to community college because i wasn't their kind of student)

I remembered THAT comment when i graduated from College Magna Cum Laude.  Suck it Central.  Granted, i was an adult, had two children and a husband, but i DID get my degree.  

I can never understand why adults say the shittiest things to kids regarding their intelligence.  All it takes is one person to make a kid realize they might be able to achieve.  It's not that hard.

All this because i went to the bookstore at work today to buy a pack of gum and see what he had for logic puzzles. I like Matt, the bookstore guy.  He's always super friendly and we always chitchat about books.  Today, as always, he accused me of waiting too long to visit.  We chatted.  At one point he said to me "When you bought "The Art of War" (by Sun Tzu) I knew you were a real reader.  

I laughed and told him i bought the book as a gift for my son - the look on his face, and then i said "i have my own copy already"......lolololol.  

Books have a way of holding memories, not just when you read them.  Books speak for you.  When i go to someones home and they have bookshelves, with books i've read, i KNOW we are going to be good friends.  The funny thing is not a lot of my friends read!  And i've never seen a man i date read a book either.

Interesting.  

GLP 1

 I hate this shot.  It makes me sick literally.  This morning all i want to do is puke my brains out and i did already.  I'm dehydrated, have a headache, and nauseous.  But i'm getting SKINNY.

FML

It's usually only the day after the shot.  But still, thats one day out of 7 that i feel like shit.

Had dinner at Bills again last night.  Watched some TV.  Went home and went to bed. Slept like the dead and feel like i didn't sleep at all.  boooo.

Forcing greek yogurt down my throat at the moment, hoping it will settle my stomache.  It's so gross.

I can't wait to go home and crawl into bed.  If i don't feel better soon i'm going to leave early and do just that.  

comfort

For years i have said that i would never disrupt my living situation and consider living with a man, ever again.  This comes from all my previous experiences (3) being an absolute nightmare both financially and mentally.

I do not want to be at the beck and call of a man and his needs- meaning "whats for dinner" and "I have no clean socks" and "why do you care if the dishes are done or not?" and cleaning piss off toilet bowl, shaving remnants in the bathroom sink, along with globs of toothpaste.  OR dirty clothes left on the floor all over the place......empty containers in the refrigerator.......

Disrespectful, no regard for anyone else that lives there behavior.  

AbsoFUCKINGlutely NOT.  

I'm a mess.  During the week i am a storm through my home getting ready for work.  And when i get home, i clean it up most of the time.  Sometimes there are dishes left in the sink, but mostly, i try to clean up the same day.  I don't leave potty stains in the toilet, or junk in the bathroom sink.  That is revolting.  I'm not a neat freak, but i do like a tidy home.

I enjoy taking care of my home, and keeping it clean and smelling nice.  It matters to me.  I cannot live with a person who doesn't care, and who makes more work for me.  I clean up after myself, and I do expect that others do the same.  One of the reasons Doug, Jen and I get along so well is because we all clean up after ourselves.  You can't tell i was ever at their house when i leave, and vice versa.  Its common courtesy.

And i've never lived with a man who had that.  Not to mention - the lack of regard for personal space.  I don't want my things to be rifled through.  I don't want to feel like i have to hide things like money or personal items from the past that mean something to me.  

I don't want to be a maid.  or a cook.  or a laundress.  I want to be me, and when i do things it's because WE do things and we share the load.  It can't always be one person cooking, or cleaning, or planning.  It is now because it's just me.  So there's no dropping the ball or taking advantage.  I appreciate the way i care for myself and my home.

Bill- is in constant motion when he goes home.  The dogs, dinner, cleanup, laundry, then go sit and relax.......He keeps things neat and clean.  He is particular.  Lately he's been letting me jump in to his space and help cleanup after dinner.  He feeds me dinner and snacks.  I do dishes.  Maybe wipe down the foreman grill.......help with the dogs.  Slowly.  Before he never let me do anything to help - i just kind of sat there while he ran around.

I'm not a sit and watch kind of girl.

Last night we had a really great conversation about relationships, what is love, living with someone - and I feel like we are both in the same place and on the same page.  Neither is in a rush to move in together.  Between his last experience, and my previous experiences.....that is a scary thing.  BUT,  from my perspective at least.......why date someone at all if you don't see a future with them?  If the idea of living with that person is an absolute "NO".....what is the point?

I know we have some different ideas on what living together would mean.  And that is the point of the conversations.  Getting to know each other deeper to see if there is a future between us.  

I have considered living with him and what that would look like. I think he may have considered it also if we are having these conversations.  For me, security and respect are important to the living situation.  I don't want surprises like the bills havent' been paid and we are months behind on a mortgage.......or the lights go out.  Or there's no money for groceries because the person that was supposed to get them decided to do something else with that money.  Yes, i lived like that before.  And the worst part is I GOT BLAMED for it.

Bill is accountable.  He takes care of his bills, his home and his business.  AND he has expensive hobbies that he manages.  I don't have to worry about those things with him.  He will either take care of it, or he will have that conversation with me before the shit hits the fan.  Life will go smoothly in that regard.  I don't doubt it for a minute.

Respect?  I have a feeling it will always be "his" home, and i will just live there with him.  For Bill everything is about money, and it IS his house.  That means what he says, goes.  Period.  Or i can get out.  I've heard him talk about his ex, and i have the feeling that her being kicked out was a regular occurance if she had a different opinion.

Thats a problem for me.  Thats part of security, of commitment.  You don't kick someone out of their home because you have a disagreement.  I can't live like that, with the threat that if i don't comply i will be searching for new home.  The power is unbalanced there in a very unhealthy way.

Would i buy property with Bill?  If I could, yes.  But the threat of him kicking me out in anger, and the idea that living in this house with him it would never be "our home".......but just his?  I can't buy into that.  I won't.

Maybe she deserved to be kicked out.  I don't know the whole situation and i don't really care.  I'm not her.  But, it's going to take time in together before i can consider that big step and feel like i'm making a informed choice.  Caution to the wind days are over.  I am comfortable where i live and i can afford it by myself.  For me to give that up - thats not something i can have any doubts about.

Personal space - I don't feel like Bill would go through my things, looking for something to be angry about.  I wouldn't do it to him either.  That is respect.  If there are questions, they need to be asked, not snooped.  That goes for cell phones too.  I live my life in a way that my phone can be handed over to him for his investigation at any time if he wants it.  He may find things he doesn't like, but he will never find any betrayal.  Thats how i live.  Otherwise why be in a relationship at all.

What i think may be a problem for him is me having my own bedroom.  It doesn't mean i won't sleep with him in his, or that he can't sleep with me in mine.......I WANT to sleep next to him every night. BUT- there will be times when that is disruptive and sleep is important.  Having a room to myself is important.  I sometimes just need to be alone.  He is going to have to understand that.  Not that i will ignore him.......or shut him out.......not at all.  But a space that i can call mine for my books, my junk that he won't want distributed around the house.  I'd like it to be a room that when my friends or family come over (another thing we will have to compromise on) they can sleep there. 

Being social is important to me.  I don't need to have company every weekend, but a couple times a month is ideal.  Not being able to have my friends and family come visit is a deal breaker.  

I love that we have these conversations and he gives me thoughtful and deep answers, something to think about.  What is compromise?  What is asking too much?  

These are things we will find out about each other as we continue on.  So far so good.  I do wonder what his concerns about living with me are.  I just explained mine.  

While we were talking i asked him "isn't loving someone about accepting all the things about them? Even  the things you might not like?"  I don't want someone to change me, and i don't want to change him.  Compromise and respect for each others differences .......that shows love.  Committment.   We can't be clones of each other.

And we can't be attached at the hip.  We have to have our own hobbies and activities as well as things we enjoy doing together.  This all seems very elementary, but it's not.  I had none of these things previously.  I always felt managed, like i was living my life to fit into theirs.......I won't do that again.

is it a negotiation?

 Partnership is a negotiation, isn't it?  Business and romantic.  You are agreeing to what is agreeable and compromising on differences to come to a mutual agreement. 

Bill and I seem to agree on how relationships work in general.  Expectations, the mechanics of it all.  You cook i clean kind of stuff.  BUT what about the emotional side of it?  The feelings.  

I'm not always excited about Bill.  I don't get giddy when his call comes through.  I'm not rolling my eyes, i'm always happy to talk to him, but i don't get stupid happy about it like a teenager.

Sometimes, the idea of leaving my home to go to his house doesn't sound good to me.  There are times i want to just stay home.  I was starting to think maybe i was losing feelings?  But when i was talking to him last night we got involved in the conversation of "being our age" and how that excitement that used to be there as young people in a new relationship isn't there anymore.  

I think we have been through so much individually, that it's hard to be excited about something we both know can be a painful experience, and lots of work.  The innocence isn't there.  The starry eyed "happily ever after" really is a fantasy and we know it due to experience.

At this point in life, it's more of a calculated risk.  Is this person someone i want to discuss the electric bill with? Groceries? Vacations?  Will our snoring allow us to sleep peacefully together? Can we eventually life together?  Share the routine of life happily?  

Is that boring?  Or is that reality.

He told me he is attracted to me, enjoys when i am with him, is never bored around me.  I feel the same.  I feel the kind of attraction that makes me automatically touch him without thinking about it.  We settle into each others personal space easily.  And it's not about sex.  Yes, he gets me going with very little effort, but it's more of a companionship......we fit together in the kitchen, and on the couch.  There is an easy pattern.  a dance.  

He has a quick temper, prone to yelling at me which at first really pissed me off in the begining.  Now when he starts hollering over something i consider stupid, i just look at him with my eyebrow raised.  Really sir?  Is that how you want to approach me when you want something?  Probably not. I don't jump because you yell.  

I jump when i want to, and only when i want to.  So if he sweetens his tone  i'll do just about anything to make him happy. Compromise.  

Men don't seem to realize the only value they have to me is how i feel when i'm with them. He is starting to.  I see him rope in what he wants to yell sometimes.  And that shows me that he cares.  It's how he communicates - and after the fight we had on NYE, he is very aware that i can also yell very loudly- and i also get furious.  When all my buttons are pushed, atomic bomb suits me fine.  

I don't like getting angry.  I want to be that happy, smiling woman secure in her relationship.  But when certain things are said to me.............you better hold on to your ass.  I'm not a vapid idiot.  I CHOOSE to be happy, smiling, and easy.  You want to test that with me and you are going to learn.  Watch how you treat me.

When i am put in a position of having to defend myself against the man i am in a relationship with, it's not going to be pretty.  That is HIS job.  If i have to do it, i'm going to DO IT.  

So we are learning how to disagree.  Been bumpy.  We are both stubborn. but we both want peace with someone we can love.  

He says he doesn't know if we are going to work out in the long run and that he is watching.  Fair enough.  It's what i do as well.  You can't make everything work.  You have to weigh if it's worth making it work, and that is where we seem to be at.

dreams

 Do dreams tell us what is really on our mind? Are we talking to ourselves in our sleep?

I woke up pissed off.

Got on my scale, lost 3 lbs in one week.  Go me.  Normally any loss gives me a thrill - i'm getting there!  But this morning, i immediately thought "bikini ready?"......knowing the answer is absolutely not.  I am 58 years old.  I didn't wear bikinis in my TEENS.  Well once, but my stomach was so flat my hip bones stuck out and if i was lying down you could see straight down my bottoms.  

That was long ago in a far away place.

Last night Bill asked me if i was going to be bikini ready.  It occurred to me that i will never look good enough for him.  He should probably date a 30something so he can be happy.

I've come too far, and worked too hard to have my body scutinized by anyone.  Least of all a man.  Least of all a less than perfect man.  So yeah, fuck you.

Before i woke up pissed off i went to sleep pissed off.  Thats a lot of pissing.

I'm really mad he did nothing for my birthday.  REALLY mad.  This man spends $$$ on himself like crazy, and can't buy me a card.  

I can't wait to go on vacation and get away from having to think about it.  I'm going to take care of my own damn self and have a great time.  Yesterday i ordered a bunch of stuff from Amazon for the 80's party on board the ship.  This is my inspiration photo since i have next to nothing from my teen years aside from my memory.  i'm not shaving the sides of my head again.  Or dying it.  but the rest is arriving in the mail.  

I don't recall wearing fishnets.....i had ripped tights.  And my boots were't DOCs because i couldn't afford them.  I think the point was being poor back then.  You dressed up garbage.  basically.  I stole my fathers jackets and put pins all over them, wore spiked dog collars......i had a little identity crisis.  I went from Madonna, to Pat Benetar to whatever i felt looked like no one else.  

I'm still a little like that, especially now that i can fit comfortably into "normal" clothes.  It's actually coming back full force.  I do NOT want to look like, or be put in the same box as everyone else.

The more time i spend with Bill the more he proves to me that he can't appreciate me, or refuses to.  I'm pulling back.  I don't want to, but i feel it.  The last thing i need during this newest evalution of myself is to be put down by him.

I'm beautiful in my way, and any man that doesn't see it isn't worth my time.  And when i show my affection and it gets thrown back into my face, it won't be shown again.  Bet.  

Still pissed.

date him

 With some quiet down time to think, and do things around my house I realized that i skipped dating Bill.  We went from a few dates to drama, break ups (when we weren't even really together) and time apart.  We haven't dated for long.  We kinda went straight into relationship. 

I did.  He is dating me.  i'm in a hurry.  I want answers and all the work done already.  The work it takes to get to know someone.  That is what i have been hit with.  Right between the eyes.  

and yesterday i spent the day with him.  I went to his house late morning and we went to the store to pick out new dog food and deer food.  Tractor supply.  Wooooo.  I'm so used to shopping alone that i've forgotten its more fun with someone.  Then we went to his shop so he could finish up some billing quick - and did i mention, i had started day drinking.  he stopped.  I continued.  I was very happy.  

Inwhile he worked i set up Eddie and Cindy - yep.  I asked Eddie and Cindy both if they might be interested and both were agreeable so i connected them and told them it was up to them from here out.  I told Cindy i had been out to lunch with Eddie and he had broken up with the woman he was seeing.  She seems happy.  So does he.  Good luck!  All the conversing i did on the phone, and voice to text messaging and the fact that i went out to lunch with Eddie is what Bill heard.  

I am not going to apologize for my friend taking me out to lunch for my birthday.  And that is all we are.  We didn't talk about Bill, i certainly didn't trash him.  At least Eddie did something for my BIRTHDAY.  Still pissy about that.  No gift, no card, no nothing from Bill.  And i've asked.  He ignores it like he doesn't hear me.

mmmhmm.

I'm not going the rest of my life not being celebrated by the man im with.  So he better get on the stick if he wants me to consider long term.  This means something to me, therefor, it should mean something to him.

Also, i'm not supposed to day drink with him anymore because I get dingy.  And he gets annoyed.  He is very bossy.  And he yells sometimes.  Then i look at him, with my eyebrows raised and wait for him to finish and just look at him.  Talk nice to me buddy.  Yelling doesn't do shit to motivate me.  

It is who he is.  He yells.  He has a quick temper and he likes things the way he likes them.  I also yell but only when i'm really pissed off.  I shouldn't be getting pissed off.

Anyhow, we did spend a nice day together.  And today i went over to his house, he cooked me dinner, i brought him berries from the grocery store, and we played with the dogs a little then I came home.  It's nice to live pretty close to him so we can do these short visits.  And he feeds me steak.

And gives me a nice hello and goodbye kiss. 

But we are dating MB.  We aren't a couple yet.  We just threw ourselves into the deep end without learning to swim with each other.  So now we are.    I know he's not happy about the cruise, but i'm not cancelling.  If we hadn't broken up, i never would have said i'd go, but we did and i did.  Maybe when i come back and he knows Eddie is my FRIEND only, we will be able to move forward.

Not too far away.  And the puppy arrives on Saturday.  I will get to meet her before i go on vacation.

iwork tomorrow.  I'll be glad to go back.

Off to a great start

 I'm sick.  

Woke up New Years Eve with body aches, stuffy nose, sore throat - throwing up and running to the bathroom every 1/2 hour.  I don't know if part of that was the medication i'm taking - or if it is a bug.  I'm on my way to better, so it was probably a combination of both.

Still have the stuffy nose and sore throat.  Better now than in a couple of weeks when i'm on the cruise.

So the big fight on New Years Eve.  Still not resolved. I haven't been in the right place to discuss this with Bill.  I've been mostly sleeping.  I feel like there's a lot that needs to be addressed, but i'm in no hurry to either see him, or address it.

I need some space to think about whats happened and what i want to happen.

I realized that ive been on such a wild rollercoaster ride with him that i'm just going going going and not taking any time to think.  He's here, he's not here - we are together, we are not together.  I know a large part of it is me running away at the first sign of conflict.  I cut and run.  and then he comes back.  I want out of that cycle.  I need time for my nervous system to settle down and take account.  I need to sit back and see this as a whole and decide if i want to continue. I cannot make decisions like this with a bad ass attitude and a bruised heart.  I need time.  Clarity.  

He is a lot.  But this has been a draw for me.  This business with him talking smack about me to his ex.....i'm not liking that at all.  Why would he do that other than to make her feel like she is safe, that i am nothing to worry about.  It's very juvenile, fucked up and it may very well be what breaks us up for good.

It's betrayal.  How would he feel if i talked to my ex boyfriend, or even Carlos, and said things about his physical appearance in comparison to them?  They are both very tall men.  Bill is not.  They are both very muscular men, Bill is not.  Carlos is deep covered in a tapestry of his pain, and Darryl is peter pan a walking good time......Bill isn't.  How would he feel if i were to talk to these men about him?  

Also, i'm going to say this.  My fault completely for reaching out to his ex.  We have had conversations before and i told her i wanted out of the situation, wished them the best, and adios leave me alone.  When i got back with Bill i let it all go.  It was in the past.  But he keeps talking about her, and something told me there was still something going on.  And if i'm not going to get an answer from him, i'm going to find out on my own.  And i reached out.  Her reaction was too big for there not to be something there.

She went off her rocker apparently.  I blocked her when she started getting really nasty.  I knew enough.  He told her i was fat, out of shape, and needed to lose weight.  True or not, why say that to her?  And then she said "and me? i'm too skinny :)" .........she thinks thats something to proud to repeat. You can't fix stupid. 

Some women think they can cut another woman down by cutting on their physical appearance.  Those women should be pitied.  They have no deep connection with other women.  It is a very easy and low swinging fruit to cut on someones appearance.  You don't need to be a bright person.  

I may have told her he enjoys having conversations that are above a third grade reading level with me....i'm not perfect.  But then i blocked her before i got down in the dirt.  I don't care about her.  But i do wonder how a man worth anything would consider himself in love with someone like her. His very association with her lowers his value.

She is trash.  And he?  likes trash apparently.  I feel like i'm lowering myself to date him if thats the kind of women he goes for i'm way out of his league.  I'm working on my physcial appearance but class and brains isn't given out to everyone.  She's proof. 

You can make all the money in the world and still have no class.  I didn't have hurt feelings because he said those things about me to her.  I felt like he's not good enough for me.  And that feels worse.

Some men simply can't tell the truth.  Or they don't know what to do with a woman like me.  I don't want to change anyone.  I just want to know who you really are, the good the bad the ugly.  Show me your soul.  Let me show you mine. Including all the imperfections that make us human.  Let me love you as you are, and do the same for me in return.

But don't betray me.  Don't lie to make yourself look "good".  

Another thing i'm realizing is that he pulls away, and i pull him back.  I still have that need in me to be chosen.  And i think he knows that.  This man does know how to push and pull all my emotions.  But with this step back, i'm wondering if without all the drama, would i want him?  If i had time to think about what i was doing with him......would i still want to be with him?

And thats what i'm doing now.  He's not calling or texting probably because he's so "busy" and instead of me reaching out, i'm going to leave it at that.  I want to watch how he moves and listen to what he talks about with me.  I want to get to know this man.  Is he a liar? A cheat? Is he someone, who, like me, has been so fucked up by our parents that we don't know how to have a normal relationship?

I don't know.  But i'm not making excuses anymore.  I've got nothing but time.  No rush.  No games.  I am giving him room to be the man he is, and decide if that is going to be enough for me.  When it comes to a life of drama, or peace..........peace is going to win.  

Some would say "dump him" but thats because they don't understand what it's like to finally meet someone who lights me up and wants to be with me too.  It's not easy to find.  No one is perfect, least of all me......and relationships always need to be worked on.  I just want to let him show me if he is the man for me, or if he is just another clown.  Like all the rest.

Happy New Year

 I was out cold by 7pm last night, and only woke up to my son calling me at 10pm instead of midnight as is our tradition.  He said he was fighting the battle to sleep and he was giving up.  We said happy new year, and i love you and i went back to sleep with a little help from my cough medicine.

Nothing from Bill after our screaming match on the phone where i called him a fucking twat and he hung up on me.

I guess all that respect i was feeling previously flew straight out the window when he couldn't keep his ex's name out of his mouth and dared to group us together.  

I didn't lose him.  He lost me.  He should go back to the bottom feeder he loves so much because they are one in the same.  They enjoy the drama, the upset, the rush of making up.  I do not.  I want peace in my life.  I've done the fighting for a man that wasn't worth winning in the past.  I do actually learn my lessons even if i need a refresher once in a while.

Yes, i'm sad.  But sadness passes.  Insanity stays with you and ruins your life.

so, here is me letting him go. I won't fight for someone to see my worth. I've wasted too much time trying to prove myself to him.  He is blind. He is selfish.  He is too broken to appreciate what i bring to the table.  I've chased after his attention, tried to convince him i am enough.  He doesn't deserve me. I've given him too many chances, cried too many tears, and lost too much of my peace trying to hold on to him. He made me feel like and option, like i had to earn the right to be chosen. 

He knew without a doubt how important this birthday was to me, how important this new year was to me and he put zero effort into my happiness.  Not only that, but he escalated a situation by not owning his part in it.  He stood firm in his shitty behavior.  

It will always be more important to him to be right than to be happy.  At any cost.

I am enough.  I have always been enough. I am a once in a lifetime woman and he has lost me. 

I am not angry, not bitter.......just no longer available for bullshit.  I will be living by these two sentences this year: "No thank you" and "fuck off".